I come from a broken family.
My mom and dad met when they were in college and had me. Things didn't really work out between them so they never got married. My dad went off and met a woman he eventually married and my mom reconnected with an ex-boyfriend she had while she was working abroad and got married too.
Now I've got half-siblings, an older sister, a younger brother and a precious little baby girl born when I was 18. See, I never really connected with my older sister, she grew up with her dad and just had short vacations with us. For the longest time, it was just me and my brother against the world but lately, I feel like I don't even know him any longer.
So, yeah. It's just me.
Don't get me wrong, I like being alone. The quiet and the solitude is something I appreciate. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't ever feel lonely. Growing up, I had to mature early because I was technically the oldest and just like any other Asian households, that meant I get to bear responsibilities. Yay! Not.
I never got to experience what it was like to just be a child. It was always, "I'm preparing you for when you get older" or "You need to learn this now so you can survive adulthood". The funny thing was, from that point forward up until today, that's all I've ever done.
Survive.
I feel like I haven't really lived yet.
There are a lot of things in my life that I rushed because I felt mature. I felt like I was ready to take things on but apparently I wasn't.
I regret a lot of things.
Wish I never did this or never said that. Should've done this instead of that and so many other things that no matter how hard I dwell on, I can't really change anymore. So, everything just takes a backseat because heaven forbid I ******* talk about my thoughts and feelings with my family, right?
I don't really trust the adults around me, even when I was a kid. I always thought that they're just waiting for me to **** things up so they can scold me. I mean, I guess I trust them to a certain extent like feeding me and giving me a roof over my head, that type of thing, but never really anything beyond that. I learned never to expect because I just get heartbroken every time.
Imagine a child getting disappointed all the time she hoped someone would care and listen? That does something to you.
I'm aware that there are lots of things wrong about me. Mentally and otherwise. I'm functional, yes, but there's just this weight I can't ever seem to push aside no matter how hard I try not to think about it.
It's there, lingering.
Festering.
Brewing inside me like a storm that's about to bring the house down if I don't do something, anything, to contain it.
I always have to watch myself, hide myself away because I'm scared that once people see how broken I am, they'd feel disgusted just like how I feel disgusted about myself. The shame, it's always there. For what, I don't even know and I don't know if I want to.
Normally, I'd talk to a friend or someone willing to hear me ***** about things that bother me or if I just want to rant and avoid bottling my feelings up, cause history knows that never ends up well. But this? This is a part of me that I keep locked away and I'm not really ready for everything to come out in the open.
So this would have to do for now.
This should have to do for now.
Feb 4, 2024
Feb 4, 2024 at 12:43 PM UTC
❝ while he runs from darkness
she purposefully turns off her light
he saves her flicker and makes it burn
like a california fire guided by his wind
she spreads through the mainland
curving through the hidden crevices of the world
her scorching heat;
felt and seen and adored
as he runs from the darkness,
her light continues to burn a fire blue
the shadows slowly melt away from her touch
and he feels her warmth and basks in it
she thought she has saved him from the monsters
she thought she has saved him enough to stop running
but the shadows crept back in
slowly, until it consumed him entirely
and off the ledge he went
her savior,
reduced to nothing but a pool of dusk
and emptiness
and sadness
she was but a flicker but he preserved her
a flicker which continued to burn in her heart
so she savored the beauty of his grey tones;
found and accepted his darkness
in all the bright places ❞
Mar 23, 2023
Mar 23, 2023 at 3:32 AM UTC
❝ a bright light you once were
filled with the radiance of your raging red;
you illuminated through a flowering future
but then the dark clouds sought you out
and rendered your light invisible
the land roared for your pastel orange of peace
but the darkness has swallowed everything
your sons and daughters walked blindly,
trapped and lost within the dark woods of chaos
they sought out for you and your warmth
only to be greeted by the harsh cold
and blood curdling gargles
eventually the clouds rolled away and left you tainted
but as you struggle to reclaim your lost kindle
we bask in your greyish faint light
and hope that your waltz to the symphony of change
will soon take you to the path of a glorious self recreation ❞
Oct 20, 2020
Oct 20, 2020 at 4:14 AM UTC
❝ a man curses his self-created hell;
a trap he weaved for himself
that later on evolved
into a labyrinth of intricate design
his choices,
the basis of his sorrow
a product of ignorance
that drowns him
in the ocean of confusion
he becomes lost
in the prison of darkness
floating in the sea
of perpetual gloom
searching for the light
with eyes open
but senses shut
stumbling about for eons
and eons
blaming fate,
God,
circumstances,
but never himself ❞
Oct 20, 2020
Oct 20, 2020 at 4:09 AM UTC
❝ i am a dead tree
that kids fill with carvings of 'i hate yous'
sticky webs of old lies and deception
clings around my withered branches
that sit dead and blind my sight
my roots are watered
by polluted streams while
acid rain runs through my veins
like a fracking well with oily leaks
that causes me to choke
and cough up bad blood
angry winds pass though me
and i stand engulfed with stillness
for i am afraid the slightest of movement
may cause me my demise
i remember the days
when i was but a young tree
i provided home for the birds
and shade for the people
to protect them from the sun's raging heat
but now i am useless
and hated
and left alone
but lo and behold
i see my farmer striding towards me
with an axe in his hands to chop me down
he delivered blows to my body
that led me into bits and pieces
to be thrown in the fire
i smiled and thought;
at least i was still of use for warmth
during the cruelty of cold days
but as i fell from once my might
i had glimpsed on a little green
a sapling growing from the earth
reaching upon the skies
in this i had learned
life and death go hand in hand
that from ashes unto ashes
and to dust we must return
but alas it is not the end
as for the end signals a new beginning
and as so does chances of a new life ❞
Oct 20, 2020
Oct 20, 2020 at 4:04 AM UTC