you can lie to yourself
you can wake up in the morning
and you can smile because
you no longer feel the warmth of
his skin on your skin
you can sing aloud
in the name of independence
and you can spread your arms and your legs
to take up all the space in bed
yes, you can do these things
but your dreams will never lie
the colors of nighttime leave no
room for falsities
and try as you might
you cannot push away the boy
who you sing to when the
world is asleep
because he is the boy your heart wants
Aug 27, 2019
Aug 27, 2019 at 12:40 AM UTC
he looked down at me
and all i could think was
boy
boy do i miss you
and how can you speak like
we are strangers
how can you speak like
you don't know me
when i love you still
i love you still.
Aug 29, 2018
Aug 29, 2018 at 10:16 PM UTC
dear grandma,
i could not fit into my jeans, yesterday. the new ones with a rip in the knee and stiching on the pocket. it's been a year and my waist has grown another inch and grandma, i got scared. i got so scared i broke one of my rules and looked at the old photographs. yes, the ones i promised i wouldn't look at but grandma, listen to me. i was a wisp of a person. my frame was like a fading memory, the kind that you know won't hold on for long before it falls away. i saw a picture of myself like that. and grandma, i cried. but not because it was sad. i cried because i want to be that fading memory of a person again. hell, i cried because i was prettier, then. i cried because i am not hungry anymore. i cried because my cheeks are full and my thighs graze when i walk. grandma, i cried because i lost the only part of me that i loved.
Aug 22, 2018
Aug 22, 2018 at 11:21 AM UTC
I think of him less now
and it frightens me
the best artists are heart broken
but I feel myself mending
Aug 15, 2018
Aug 15, 2018 at 3:52 PM UTC
the hardest part was
seeing her in the sweatshirt
i'd thrown into a paper bag
and dropped at your feet
Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 11:20 PM UTC
love is not made of giving and taking in equal parts
it is not a favor for a favor
i owe you nothing
love is not a compromise reached after long deliberation
it is not hurting on Monday
and healing on Tuesday
love is not touching because you will leave if i do not
it is not feigning naivety
when you see me cry
love is not the untimely squandering of innocence
it is not the suffocating grip of guilt
it is not your unwelcome touch
love is not
love is not
love is not
Jul 10, 2018
Jul 10, 2018 at 11:15 PM UTC
when the blush of the earth sings lullabies
to the tired city
and the amber laughter of little girls
can be felt on the mouth of the wind
she likes to go to the river path
because
the sun's golden milk dribbles
down her freckled shoulders
and the stars are so violently alive
they seem to
waltz across the watery sky
Jun 30, 2018
Jun 30, 2018 at 1:32 PM UTC
To listen to love songs without the phantom touch of his fingertips. To watch the movies I love in spite of the memories, not because of them. To take long walks through the city and see places instead of moments. To forget that night we biked through the city until the sun went down. To pass him with indifference. To kiss another boy and enjoy it. To love and be loved and to do it better this time.
Jun 18, 2018
Jun 18, 2018 at 11:25 PM UTC
forty nine minutes before midnight
my sweaty palms are stitched together
by fingertips
head tilted back, eyes shut tight
i whisper a wish
one all too familiar on my pleading lips
words are so easy
when uttered in solitude.
the minute passes.
i flick a switch and kitchen light falls away like glass.
in the darkness i notice my breaths:
they are no longer mine but the sick respiration
of a girl who has become
what she stole
from herself
Jun 14, 2018
Jun 14, 2018 at 7:08 PM UTC
dear matthew,
you taught me to love
in the fading twilight of winter
when my heart was breaking beneath
the weight of my own twisted lies
and the ugly truth behind my own
pretty face
i loved you but i hated myself
and in my incessant self-loathing
i lusted for the minute hand of a clock
more than i lusted for you
my cheek shone like shards of glass
in heavy summer air
scintillating blades that had borne the
blow of god’s fingers
one time too many
i was angry at the world
and you
were a part of this world that i despised
so much
you stayed
on the nights when i retreated
to that dark corner within myself
when i sobbed that
i was taking up too much space
and cursed a god i used to believe in
when i recoiled at your kind words
because you lied like
the scale never would
and i learned that trust could only be found
in numbers
so i hated you for loving my body
with bone white skin stretched thin
over angular bones and
cavernous cheeks and
sunken eyes too wild to be healthy
i hated you for loving my body
even as it softened
when i longed for the sharp edges
i could no longer find
and you kissed me as if to say
arcs are even more beautiful
i cried at night because i could not
make you happy
your fingertips on my skin
were ten reminders of how much i’d grown
and though i tried
i could not shake the suffocating
grip of inadequacy that clenched the softness
of my waist
when you told me to get out of my box
i tried to
but the truth was that i could never love myself
for the sake of someone else
love
what is it, anyway?
the first time i called it love
i was not sure if i meant it
but when i lost myself in
the inexplicable colors of nighttime
kissed the sharpness of your jaw
and held your heartbeat in my palms
god knows i was telling the truth
matthew, i am not sorry for my own pain
because hurt is the humanity
in human experience
but i am sorry for yours
because i could not see it
when it was there
i am not sorry for that wednesday in march
when i threw your clothes in a grocery bag and
tried to forget
but i am sorry for every moment
before then
for being a coward
for my blinding perfectionism
for not kissing you in the street
when i knew that i wanted to
for making a big deal out of
the little things
and ignoring
the big things
i am sorry that i didn’t stand up for myself
i am sorry that i didn’t stand up for you
but most of all,
i am sorry that you had to know me
when you did
when i could not give you all of my love
because i was only just learning how
to give it to myself
-- amanda
Jun 12, 2018
Jun 12, 2018 at 7:00 AM UTC