I am 18 years old and I have seen more than enough.
I have made it through the darkest nights
where I just wanted to die.
I am paying the consequences for the pain
that others have cost me.
I have scars and lines littering my body
and I can not eat bread or go one day without
thinking about calories.
I am terrified of annoying people and can not fathom
someone staying by my side forever.
The demons will not leave but I have something stronger.
Hope breeds eternal misery
and they say relationships do not heal you but
I have to disagree with that.
My relationship with God, my Abba
is the remedy.
Jun 29, 2016
Jun 29, 2016 at 12:44 AM UTC
Do you want to know what depression looks like?
Let me tell you.
It is not the story of the the skinny girl who will not consume calories and then the prince charming comes into the picture and sleeps with her in the most innocent sense to protect her. It does not involve him kissing her scars and saying they are beautiful.
No, in reality it is you by yourself. Alone. Sad. Scared.
Your body is painted in blood and you are crying so hard you practically throw up.
It is grotesque scars and cuts that you can not make up an excuse for because the cat does not cut that deep.
It is demons and blackness and fear.
It is the lonely nights that consume you.
It is you.
Feb 18, 2016
Feb 18, 2016 at 11:12 PM UTC
They are healing
and that scares me.
I don't want them to leave
I need them
I have to make more.
Without them, who am i,
I am nothing.
Dec 29, 2015
Dec 29, 2015 at 12:28 PM UTC
Black beads are my favorite
Red ones are okay but black are the best
They are perfectly round and the light glistens
off of them ever so slightly
It is addicting to collect them
When they disappear you just want more
These stupid black beads are ruining my life
I want them gone, but
They are a black hole,
******* you in and you can not escape.
Nov 12, 2015
Nov 12, 2015 at 8:39 PM UTC
It happened again tonight.
The demons came back
and they hit right where it hurts.
I feel so weak.
What is wrong with me?
Aug 29, 2015
Aug 29, 2015 at 10:58 PM UTC
I wish I could tell you
but I can't.
I want to tell you how I rip my thigh open
and starve all day.
How I feel dizzy all the time but continue to work out
and only consume water,
but I cant
because you will be disappointed
and I will feel more pathetic.
Aug 11, 2015
Aug 11, 2015 at 6:23 PM UTC
It is a vicious cycle you see
you keep everything bottled up because you do not want to hurt people
you do not want to bother them with your petty, useless problems
but then it destroys you on the inside,
so by trying to not destroy and hurt people you end up hurting yourself.
You want to open up and tell someone about the storm in your head
but you push them away right before you hit your breaking point
because you are scared they will not understand,
and you let the storm continue to brew in your mind.
It is a paradox you see, by desperately trying to not ruin someone you ruin yourself but you do not realize because to you you are not a person, you are a mistake.
Aug 3, 2015
Aug 3, 2015 at 2:53 PM UTC
My life is composed of things I didn't ask for,
it has been overtaken by tears, sadness, and blades.
I don't know how this monstrous disease took over, it just did.
It was fine one day and the next- wiped from my memory.
I wish I could figure it out but
all I know is I am closed up tight like a shoe box filled with memories-
I am here, but I am stuffed away, ignored, and overlooked.
You ask why I have these issues and I can't tell you for fear of rejection
so I tear my skin open just to acquire the feeling of being alive
and I don't dare tell someone for they will say I am weak and pathetic.
Jul 30, 2015
Jul 30, 2015 at 3:19 PM UTC
This is for the girls who are not skinny enough
and the boys with lack of muscular arms and six packs.
This is for the kids who take a blade to their skin when it gets too hard
and then cry themselves to sleep at 4 am.
This is for the kids who can not sleep without the drugs
and the ones who sleep to forget the reality in which they live in.
This is for the kids whose daddy's ran away
and mommy is working 3 jobs to just buy dinner.
This is for the kids whose parents do not care
and the only thing they give are bruises.
This is for the kids who hate themselves so much
and the ones who are trying to find love.
This is for the teenagers who are doing their best
and the adults trying to find their way in this big world.
This is for everyone who does not hear it
and those who do not believe it.
You are enough.
Jul 27, 2015
Jul 27, 2015 at 8:16 PM UTC
At age 6 I never planned my dream wedding.
I never sat in my room and thought of the perfect guy.
I never talked to my friends about the happy ending.
At age 6 i was always in the dirt playing.
I looked for bugs on the ground and the sky.
I looked for ghosts while pretending.
At age 14 I never had a first kiss.
I never went to the mall with a boy.
I never told gossip stories at midnight.
At age 14 I only wanted success.
I stopped trying to find joy.
I stopped the internal fight.
Now I am age 17,
I never wanted to be this way.
I never wanted to quit everything
but the skies are grey
and I have broken both of my wings.
Jul 9, 2015
Jul 9, 2015 at 10:32 PM UTC