alysrainyramblings - Hello Poetry

I want your dark. To feed my dark. I want to feel your rain. Together a midnight storm of sadness and fear. Unleashing of hurt in a terrifying and comforting way. A juxtaposition so beautiful. But only we understand. For this storm is silent, private. And our lightening sets flames. A fiery passion that will burn so brightly if we let it. I want your sun. In those rare moments where we can look beyond the dark and see it shining. Deep breaths and sighs of relief and safe spaces where we feel okay for once. Where laughter and humor isn’t armor, but actually pure. Because we know it’s normal to feel. And together we can feel everything.

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Apr 26

Apr 26, 2026 at 11:46 AM UTC

Your dark

I want your dark. To feed my dark. I want to feel your rain. Together a midnight storm of sadness and fear. Unleashing of hurt in a terrifying and comforting way. A juxtaposition so beautiful. But only we understand. For this storm is silent, private. And our lightening sets flames. A fiery passion that will burn so brightly if we let it. I want your sun. In those rare moments where we can look beyond the dark and see it shining. Deep breaths and sighs of relief and safe spaces where we feel okay for once. Where laughter and humor isn’t armor, but actually pure. Because we know it’s normal to feel. And together we can feel everything.

14

Forty three and not going to make it to forty four. At this point I sound like the boy who cried wolf. I’ve been talking about it, and fantasizing about it, writing the notes and making the plans. For years and years this roller coaster of looking up and crashing back down again. Every time I think I hit rock bottom, I rise, I breathe, I smile for a moment, only to fall harder next time. I’m only here for others. If I were living for myself I’d be gone by now. It’s so painful inside my head. Inside my heart. Living as a constant failure, unworthy of being loved. If I were everyone else around me, I wouldn’t love me. Maybe it’s conditional, out of obligation… Because I’m your daughter, because I’m your wife, because I’m your mother, you have to love me. But you shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it. I wish that you would realize. Should I make them hate me before I turn 44, so they can see my leaving will be for the better good of everyone?

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Sep 30, 2025

Sep 30, 2025 at 2:19 PM UTC

Forty Three

Forty three and not going to make it to forty four. At this point I sound like the boy who cried wolf. I’ve been talking about it, and fantasizing about it, writing the notes and making the plans. For years and years this roller coaster of looking up and crashing back down again. Every time I think I hit rock bottom, I rise, I breathe, I smile for a moment, only to fall harder next time. I’m only here for others. If I were living for myself I’d be gone by now. It’s so painful inside my head. Inside my heart. Living as a constant failure, unworthy of being loved. If I were everyone else around me, I wouldn’t love me. Maybe it’s conditional, out of obligation… Because I’m your daughter, because I’m your wife, because I’m your mother, you have to love me. But you shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it. I wish that you would realize. Should I make them hate me before I turn 44, so they can see my leaving will be for the better good of everyone?

9

I cannot give any more of myself Nothing brings me joy I am emotionally tapped out I am a failure at everything I do, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’m done trying It’s time to give up. This will be my last poem. I’m sorry. I love you.

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Feb 26, 2025

Feb 26, 2025 at 7:28 AM UTC

Finished

I cannot give any more of myself Nothing brings me joy I am emotionally tapped out I am a failure at everything I do, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’m done trying It’s time to give up. This will be my last poem. I’m sorry. I love you.

8

Empty voids long to be filled. I wish you were enough. This simple life. Taking care of everyone. During your late nights, and weekends away. Lonely and broken. Pain deepening within my heart. You stare at me with your eyes closed. You hear the sniffles of my silent cries. You see my tears and say nothing. And then you leave. As if you don’t care that I’m falling apart in front of you. I seek comfort in strangers. Strangers who make false promises Hopeful to feel their warmth. Basking in small temporary happiness. Vulnerability and opening doors Their hands a bandaid on the cracks on my heart. But when they take them away, it only breaks more. Feeling worse than ever. More lonely and broken than I would have been, If I had just sat alone and cried. I guess I deserve this.

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Jan 30, 2025

Jan 30, 2025 at 1:27 AM UTC

Selfish heart

Empty voids long to be filled. I wish you were enough. This simple life. Taking care of everyone. During your late nights, and weekends away. Lonely and broken. Pain deepening within my heart. You stare at me with your eyes closed. You hear the sniffles of my silent cries. You see my tears and say nothing. And then you leave. As if you don’t care that I’m falling apart in front of you. I seek comfort in strangers. Strangers who make false promises Hopeful to feel their warmth. Basking in small temporary happiness. Vulnerability and opening doors Their hands a bandaid on the cracks on my heart. But when they take them away, it only breaks more. Feeling worse than ever. More lonely and broken than I would have been, If I had just sat alone and cried. I guess I deserve this.

23

You left me breadcrumbs of false hope, Bits and pieces of you, Just enough to keep me holding on. But never as much as I needed. While I gave so much of me. Poured my soul out until it was left empty. You always made me feel like I was never enough. One eye on me, the other searching for something better. The whole time. But deep down I knew, you didn’t want me in the same way I wanted you. I had to walk away first. Make if seem like it was my decision, because I couldn’t bare the embarrassment of feeling unwanted. And still I sit here checking up on you. Wishing you’d reach out. Wishing you’d chase me. Pathetic. And now the night is still and quiet I hear theese echoing thoughts in my head Hoping and wishing you were missing me But knowing you probably don’t.

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Jan 25, 2025

Jan 25, 2025 at 11:41 PM UTC

Breadcrumbs

You left me breadcrumbs of false hope, Bits and pieces of you, Just enough to keep me holding on. But never as much as I needed. While I gave so much of me. Poured my soul out until it was left empty. You always made me feel like I was never enough. One eye on me, the other searching for something better. The whole time. But deep down I knew, you didn’t want me in the same way I wanted you. I had to walk away first. Make if seem like it was my decision, because I couldn’t bare the embarrassment of feeling unwanted. And still I sit here checking up on you. Wishing you’d reach out. Wishing you’d chase me. Pathetic. And now the night is still and quiet I hear theese echoing thoughts in my head Hoping and wishing you were missing me But knowing you probably don’t.

18

In my dream I disappear. No one knows me, No one cares. I stop feeling everything too much. Stop caring that I’m not enough No choices to make, no right or wrong No one even knows I’m gone. I’d go willingly, with no resistance To exist there in non existence. Not awake and not asleep. No thoughts or memories to keep. No past or knowing where I’m from In darkness, emotionless and numb. A hollow heart, no love, no pain And the world goes on just the same. No one knows me, no one cares, In my dream in which I disappear.

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Jan 19, 2025

Jan 19, 2025 at 7:13 PM UTC

Disappear

In my dream I disappear. No one knows me, No one cares. I stop feeling everything too much. Stop caring that I’m not enough No choices to make, no right or wrong No one even knows I’m gone. I’d go willingly, with no resistance To exist there in non existence. Not awake and not asleep. No thoughts or memories to keep. No past or knowing where I’m from In darkness, emotionless and numb. A hollow heart, no love, no pain And the world goes on just the same. No one knows me, no one cares, In my dream in which I disappear.

16

A common theme of my words. Hiding behind a persona. While seeking validation elsewhere. You cannot see my pain. You cannot hear these thoughts. I wish you would feel the way I feel. Looking in empty places. Can you find me? I’m here- waving flags from afar. Don’t you see this obvious me? I need to let you go. I need to be where I am needed. If I cannot be where I am wanted. Giving up on looking for something I’ll never find, For the thing that’s right in front of me. No more hiding. Ready or not, here I come.

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Jan 14, 2025

Jan 14, 2025 at 2:45 AM UTC

Hide and Seek

A common theme of my words. Hiding behind a persona. While seeking validation elsewhere. You cannot see my pain. You cannot hear these thoughts. I wish you would feel the way I feel. Looking in empty places. Can you find me? I’m here- waving flags from afar. Don’t you see this obvious me? I need to let you go. I need to be where I am needed. If I cannot be where I am wanted. Giving up on looking for something I’ll never find, For the thing that’s right in front of me. No more hiding. Ready or not, here I come.

17

Feeling dark today. Consumed with dread Rolodex of the year past spinning in my head. Trying to look forward. Maybe a fresh start? Emotional pain manifests physical in my heart. Put on the countdown. Pour the Prosecco. While the degrading words for myself echo. Disgusting and hopeless. A failure. Pathetic. I’m the only one to which I can’t be empathetic. Walking around with unhealed scars. Not sure how I’ve even made it this far. Inside I fantasize about my life’s end. Outside an expert at playing pretend. I can’t go on like this forever. How do I continue to hold it together? Swallow it down. We still aren’t done. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

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Dec 31, 2024

Dec 31, 2024 at 11:50 AM UTC

New Year’s Eve

Feeling dark today. Consumed with dread Rolodex of the year past spinning in my head. Trying to look forward. Maybe a fresh start? Emotional pain manifests physical in my heart. Put on the countdown. Pour the Prosecco. While the degrading words for myself echo. Disgusting and hopeless. A failure. Pathetic. I’m the only one to which I can’t be empathetic. Walking around with unhealed scars. Not sure how I’ve even made it this far. Inside I fantasize about my life’s end. Outside an expert at playing pretend. I can’t go on like this forever. How do I continue to hold it together? Swallow it down. We still aren’t done. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

16

Eyes lift upon daybreak To dread and worry most days. The mundane routine. The dog and the coffee and the mouths to feed. Numbly through the motions. A shell of myself. Carrying on. Rotting from the inside. Keeping normalcy. Emotionless. Hiding behind my hair to let a tear fall. Daydreaming of escaping to nowhere. To darkness. To a sleep I never wake from.

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Dec 28, 2024

Dec 28, 2024 at 10:57 AM UTC

Shell

Eyes lift upon daybreak To dread and worry most days. The mundane routine. The dog and the coffee and the mouths to feed. Numbly through the motions. A shell of myself. Carrying on. Rotting from the inside. Keeping normalcy. Emotionless. Hiding behind my hair to let a tear fall. Daydreaming of escaping to nowhere. To darkness. To a sleep I never wake from.

12

Roaring fires Sweet smells rising from oven Mixed with the crisp pine of a freshly cut tree And the sound of their voices. Excited with anticipation and spirit. From cold icy air to warmth in my home. And it’s always been my favorite. I bask in the joy of these little things. Comforted by the familiar tunes and films we watch year after year. But this empty feeling in the depths of my soul, stagnant and ever-present, won’t let me embrace my usual happiness. Wanting to enjoy but this uneasiness, this overwhelming darkness, clouding my surroundings. Push it down and push it down. Ignore it again. I’ve become an expert at pretending. False laughter. Trying to keep it all together for everyone else. He told me, “You’re the glue,” but what good am I if nothing sticks? Adding to this never ending list, Feeling broken and hopeless. So yes, it’s always been my favorite. But this year feels different. I’m just not myself anymore.

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Dec 21, 2024

Dec 21, 2024 at 1:13 PM UTC

Holiday

Roaring fires Sweet smells rising from oven Mixed with the crisp pine of a freshly cut tree And the sound of their voices. Excited with anticipation and spirit. From cold icy air to warmth in my home. And it’s always been my favorite. I bask in the joy of these little things. Comforted by the familiar tunes and films we watch year after year. But this empty feeling in the depths of my soul, stagnant and ever-present, won’t let me embrace my usual happiness. Wanting to enjoy but this uneasiness, this overwhelming darkness, clouding my surroundings. Push it down and push it down. Ignore it again. I’ve become an expert at pretending. False laughter. Trying to keep it all together for everyone else. He told me, “You’re the glue,” but what good am I if nothing sticks? Adding to this never ending list, Feeling broken and hopeless. So yes, it’s always been my favorite. But this year feels different. I’m just not myself anymore.

21