what is this feeling
this melting away
my insides are weak
in a slow panic
can’t seem to grasp it
why I am this way
I’m on the rise
yet falling
afraid I’ll fall alone
will her steps meet mine?
am I no longer lost
or blinded by an empty hope?
slipping into darkness
an array of thoughts
swarming like moths in a lampshade
hurtful possibilities emerge
saboteur of my own vessel
can another ever love me
want me, need me
as I them?
submerged in cold matter
I’m fragile
forced to live on
my eternal wandering
for a chance to become fully alive
to share my life
what sings to my soul
is an endless desire
I fear that may never change
that my soul will live in shadows
never truly seen or heard by another
I am the only true observer
and that is the feeling of loneliness
that makes me sink into myself
it hurts to be here
painfully present
meaningless
and inevitably forgotten
May 17, 2020
May 17, 2020 at 11:21 PM UTC
I've lived a little
I've loved a lot
I lost myself to you
We tied our dreams up in a lovers knot
But none of them came true
My solid ground soon turned to quicksand
The warm winds turn to frost
Where does love go
When it has no plan?
When everything is lost?
The only thing that I forgot
Was that we walk alone
I'm learning how to stand again,
A steady hand again.
I'm going to be O.K.
I'm going to be just fine
I'm gonna be alright now
I'm going to make a break
I'm going to take my time
I'm going to be alright now
Alright now
You said you'd love me bigger than the universe the sun and all the stars
You said that there was nothing that we couldn't overcome and yet we fell apart
We fell apart
May 14, 2017
May 14, 2017 at 8:21 PM UTC
I speak out of tone
The cradle rock
Fable stone pages
One fell swoop
Star stricken in remission
Abuser, the unforgiven
Chastised, can't take flight
Hostile winds envelope
Tangled threads of my kite
Stitched into the soul
Whirling chaos, devour the whole
Numbness born of pain
I want none of this
Empty bliss
Selflessness
Black and white
So vivid
I am
Silently livid
The same story rewritten
Somehow shameful
Could be worse
Yes
Baneful
Jul 14, 2016
Jul 14, 2016 at 6:22 PM UTC
subservient is the shade that follows
oh, how she wallows undoubtedly so
bewildered as each footstep eludes
pulled back to the frailties we seek to conclude
entangled beneath the iron tides of time
fixated on my own rotten vision
kept lying and dying awake
forcefully keeping our eyes wide
still faced with how we shiver
until the silence starts to glimmer
May 4, 2016
May 4, 2016 at 7:46 PM UTC
I feel the need to say something to someone
why am I not enough for myself?
who is it that needs to listen?
its some form of self inflicted torment
I unknowingly bring upon myself
my mind only knowns how to cause harm to itself
something inside me calls for something else
I'm never getting there
no matter what signs may come my way
I am hindered by my own lack of will
its been so long in the darkness
I've lost sight of everything
this is all I know
**** this existence
i don't know what I'm doing anymore
right now there is nothing. just meaninglessness. lost and dead.
the only thing keeping me breathing is to avoid more negativity
because i don't know, maybe hell really is a place
and not just that, I've always tasted it, I'm there in some ways
maybe death is a more exaggerated form of imagination
and my earthly presence is a bittersweet existence
maybe this is my mercy, for the lost and ******
we can only hurt our minds and soul
but given grace to have a primary state constricted by time and space
I can only assume at best my top priority is to purify myself
but how? no one can do this but me
I'm alone and isolated from the rest of you
yet taunted because we are what appears to be close
but it means nothing without connection
to me you and everyone else are just some ignorant drone
indulging in meaningless ********
your schooling, your work, family, friends.. your memories
will all fade and be swept away by the tides of time
who the **** are you? what are you?
we're dropped on this planet, ignorantly acting out
participating with the rest of existence, never questioning
when one day you might stop and wonder
we have no divine guidance, or intervention
we're on our own left to live out a meaningless existence
and perhaps it was better to keep our eyes closed
because I've caught myself in a trap of eternal melancholy
and I can never strip myself of the moment
its always here, my awake and aware is just painful
being quiet and observant of everyone and everything is useless
I have nothing to put in to anything here
and I feel guilt because I can't experience love or joy
to share my good feelings with someone
to have those things that make life worth living
maybe I can touch them but I can never own them for myself
I think others can, and perhaps they never once had to think of it
but I do, I think to a sick amount I don't even think I know because I've had so little contrast
contrast is what I need, if I ever experience pure joy again
only then can I see just how depressed and miserable and deprived I was
and then that itself brings me back down, because I mourn for myself
therefor any spit of hope or joy is always out of reach for me
the only thing that makes me feel okay is alcohol,
and thats just sometimes.
maybe its better to be an alcoholic than to be depressed
I don't understand why I lack the simple ability to make myself feel better
why I'm given no helping hand? no other soul can help because they could never know exactly what I'm experiencing.
therefor we have a disconnect.
this is why I'm isolated, so lost and bewildered
no one can see it
its so simple to hide, people are fools
this is why I crave so deeply so something unworldly
to be visited by some benevolent being of divine intelligence
to hold me, to look deep into me and for us both to just KNOW.
thats all I want. will I ever get that? i don't know,
I've heard stories, just stories. as much as it sounds wonderful I can't fully adopt someone else's faith because their experiences are not my own.
I've never had a real personal experience with God or entities or whatever you want to call it.
I've tried so hard I need to stop because I fear I'm making myself schizophrenic or something. there is no clear path to anything greater than whats here on Earth. I'm constantly questioning and I can't stop, I'm never getting an answer either, its painful and I'm just suffering every step along the way. Part of me has given up on life already. but I literally can't, I keep going on, still talking and moving when I'm prompted. I just feel like a machine with the only purpose to do things for other people. I'm really not all here, because I hate being here so much, my mind just wants to run away so bad. I kind of hate myself. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling so much remorse. I want less and less to do with the outside world, I have nothing to give, and it has nothing to offer. It all feels like a bad dream I can never wake up from. I'm honestly just waiting until I die, I have many different ideas about what it could be after death, no matter how many times I read about it or hear the millions of people pledge their faith in some concept, I will just never ever know for sure, and that scares me. I already feel guilt for not living a good life, mostly for other people who are stuck with the fact they know me. my family are too good of people to let me go. I love them, and it makes me sad. If I had no one in my life maybe it would make things easier. no one to let down, no one to be a burden to, no guilt, no pain for failed relationships. I already feel a foreigner on this ugly planet stuck to deal with these elitist ****** who run the whole show. I'm not meant for this life or anything for that matter. maybe the best thing that could happen is for every fragment of a soul I might have to be scattered throughout the cosmos and be left unconscious. because being conscious is just a painful burden.
Jun 14, 2015
Jun 14, 2015 at 6:22 PM UTC
sometimes I wake up still dreaming
a mute marry in me
we didn't want to let go
its brings a jolt to my being
like fragile love softly fleeing
the best ones being in a lovers arms
could be a reminder, some kind of alarm
feeling its more real than daylight
as it hits my sore callus eyes
I want to rush back to sleep
and its a gamble I take
to find my way through the ether right back to your embrace
its a journey I could never forsake
how you wrap yourself around me
its so hot and you feel like home
then again I awake inside some senseless drone
Jun 5, 2015
Jun 5, 2015 at 11:07 PM UTC
there are no words
no labels or logical understand
I am beyond my own reach
untouchable and unattainable
only the constant aching for contrast
stands ever present in the wake of despair
I'm the disposal service to all my worlds ****
swimming blind in heavens eyes
light runs from me
God is a fantasy
I'll take this daily dread
live and die
silent and alone
May 28, 2015
May 28, 2015 at 7:59 PM UTC
its a cozy little chaos
I am the eye in the storm
a stranger in a strange land
embraced by a mournful trance
though beyond this cloud lies no boundary
gently rocking in heavens wake
destined to roam this solitary state
known to myself as the eternal pariah
who found death behind the masks of many
animated figures dance around in pretty shackles
indulge in fruitless conversation to every last breath
embedded by such relentless contradiction
and I silently swell in frustration as the crowds cheer
steal away my attention
again and again
so terribly haunted by your glory
always deprived of simple pleasures
and I'm always standing still
always in hibernation
hidden away from myself
oh how blindly I’ve spun this web
I dream to orchestrate a new serenade
leave behind the masquerade
Mar 20, 2015
Mar 20, 2015 at 4:48 PM UTC
i got so many ******* things to say
but nothing anyone wants to listen to
you just want to turn away from the dark
pretend im not here
and run off to those fake pretty lights
you go with the rest of them
stuff your fat ******* face
with the **** your told to consume
maybe my negative face will find a place
and the world falls silent behind my incessant screaming
it couldn't be more wrong and ****** up
why don't you ******* see????
perhaps I knew a place far beyond this
I know how much better life could be
and thats why I hate it so much right now
could i be just like you?
Feb 15, 2015
Feb 15, 2015 at 6:52 PM UTC
here goes another day
heads spinning with a rock in my stomach
bearing my crosses, counting my loses
I’ll never be what I want to be
I'll never see what I want to see in me
and I don't care
no I don't care
my body disregards feeling, there's something reeling in me
through the wilderness of sorrow, that's where I'll go
this life is dull and I’m bleeding through the cracks in my soul
but my wounds don’t show to these strangers, they don’t know
we pretend we’re one and the same
but we’re as separate as stars
I like to think that we are
Dec 1, 2014
Dec 1, 2014 at 1:41 PM UTC