i don't want to write
because i know if i do
i'll only be staring back
at reflections of you
but my words have been silenced
for long enough, they cry
to be let out
to be shouted to the sky
it's hard to remain
so calm and even-keeled
when i'm stitching shut a wound
that isn't ready to be healed
but i'm back on my feet
i've gotten off my knees
learning that i'm the only one
i need to please
you can call me cold
i really don't care
but for once i feel okay-
i'm becoming happy, i swear
it's been about three weeks
and he's still constantly on my mind
and while each thought reminds me
of a better time
i'm unlearning the taste
of his lips and his words
forgetting what it felt like
to be someone's "girl"
because being with him made me forget
that i am my own
i don't belong to him or
anyone else
and i am my home
if you want to make "home" a person
don't make it anyone but you
you're the only one guaranteed
not to just pass through
so i guess this is the start
of my journey to self-love
of acceptance and growth
and belief in the above
and while i'm still not great
i know i'll be there on my own
so thank you, ex-lover,
for teaching me how to be alone.
-a.c.b
Feb 17, 2019
Feb 17, 2019 at 12:44 PM UTC
i find it hard to believe
that everything happens for a reason when
after two years of drowning in my own sadness
i found happiness
and three months later he was ripped out of my arms.
i find it funny how
one person can trick you into thinking
we're not all going to end up alone
but really
after 80 some-odd years on this planet
we are alone for the rest of eternity
so i guess i don't see the appeal
of finding someone for those short several decades.
i find it quite ironic
that the source of your infinite happiness
and eternal despair
can be the same exact boy with olive skin and dark freckle under his right eye
he who can start a panic attack rising in your chest
with one glance across the crowded gymnasium.
remind me how to forget.
-a.c.b
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 3:45 PM UTC
i told you not to make promises you can't keep
yet you still swore to me
you were in this for the forever.
you promised me you wouldn't leave,
and then you left.
should i even be surprised?
they've always left.
-a.c.b
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 4:51 PM UTC
you made your decision
and now we both have to live with it;
don't even ask-
yes, it's too soon
no, i'm not ready to be friends
no, i cannot talk to you like normal.
why?
because i can't erase your memory from my mind,
because i can't forget your lips
or skin
or how it felt to lay in your arms
or the way the setting sun would color your small room
as we rolled around on top of your sheets...
you made your decision
and now we both have to live with it;
don't tell me how heartbroken you are
and expect me to sympathize...
you broke my heart,
and now you have to live with it.
-a.c.b
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 4:49 PM UTC
1. ?
2. ??
3. ..???
4. ...
5. you don’t.
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 3:21 PM UTC
you know it's bad
when i would rather deal with my unmedicated depression
than this loss of you.
-a.c.b
Jan 28, 2019
Jan 28, 2019 at 3:42 PM UTC
at 16 years old i fell in love with a boy
with the most beautiful brown eyes i'd ever seen
god if he looked at you the way he does at me
i promise you'd fall too, but
i only paint in blue now
it's not his fault but
i'm kind of really worn down now
it's not his responsibility but
he's breaking all his vows now
says he's always there but
finds an out somehow now
i wish someone would just teach me how
now
to feel okay getting out of bed in the morning, i mean
i know it's the middle of january
and the skies are always grey
but the coldness is much deeper
and the frost comes by and freezes anything liquid
so i guess it makes sense that frozen tears are tripping
down my face
dripping over lace
lies and cries and "yes, i'm fine"s
and it's not just the snow
it's always the rain
disdained complaints of a battle with pain, i mean
every time i open my eyes a little piece of me dies
even with his lips
speaking poetry to the skies
i am still not sleeping at night
my lunch goes uneaten
even the way he touches me
never translates to my dreaming
the nights are always cold now
i've got no one to hold now
'cause the only other person that's ever slept in my bed
is off with the boy who only loved me in my head
i SWEAR i'm happy for them
oh, can't you tell?
i swear i'd smile for you
if i wasn't living in Hell
she was caught in those oceans
the same way as i did
but this time it's all them
it's not one-sided
and that was the first
start to the worse
syllables falling apart when we
used to be well-versed
i'm burst, feel cursed
no way to reverse
i'm sorry this is all over the place
it's a little unrehearsed
but he's running
and she's with him,
he finally found someone that can keep up
i never joined track freshman year so
i can't keep up
but i miss her
more than i kiss him
and yeah, that's a lot--
i guess that's the difference
'cause yes, i found my prince
but we're both struggling to be strong
finally buckling under the things
we've been hiding for so long
but the darkness is the one thing
not changing with the seasons
conspiracy against my own heart
is still technically treason
call me an anti-hero-- i was that night
body on the floor seizing,
doing all the wrong things
for all the right reasons
i'm both objective, subjective, painfully adept at
burning bridges and then regretting the decision
envisioned a better revision
not this painfully clear collision
incision, indecision
no good at provision
my words have become jumbled,
the truth blurs to lies
but he really does have
the most beautiful brown eyes.
-a.c.b
Jan 24, 2019
Jan 24, 2019 at 7:58 PM UTC
i fell in love with a shadow of a man,
all smoke and mirrors,
but the smoke is thick and dark-
it circles around my lungs and squeezes
when he is not with me;
he embodies the mirror 'cause god
the only time i see myself
is when i'm looking up at him.
i fell in love with a shadow of a man...
and now i am nothing
but smoke and mirrors.
-a.c.b
Jan 22, 2019
Jan 22, 2019 at 6:35 PM UTC
staring at my smile
cracking in the mirror
wondering if i could save myself
if my mind was a little clearer
it's like i'm driving through the fog
with my high-beams on
spiraling into the same long night
to the tune of our song.
i've always been a little too used to
people saying there's always there
then picking up the phone and only being greeted
by the same empty air
but with him i hoped would be different--
my angel, ripped and scarred
fell for him unconditionally
a little too fast and a little too hard.
he suffers from the same
lack of happiness as do i
drowning in sweaty cotton sheets
as the flashbacks start to cry.
but while he's off fighting
his own demons' shrine
i'm left there alone because
he's got no time for mine
it's day 10 of this madness
and i'm worn down to the bone
it's late here and i can't do this anymore
just thought you should know
that if you're going to stay in my life
you have to put in the time
to talk me down from this ledge
every
****
time.
-a.c.b
Jan 21, 2019
Jan 21, 2019 at 5:09 PM UTC
my words have always been the strongest part of me.
solid, loud;
they scream my thoughts for me when i can't even get out a whisper...
but lately i haven't been writing as much.
my once resilient syllables are now translucent snowflakes
floating in the air, shattering on my bedroom floor
with each tear.
they are unsure of themselves, a string of vowels and consonants
so violently aware
that there's been a change;
my words have finally failed me.
-a.c.b
Jan 20, 2019
Jan 20, 2019 at 11:36 AM UTC