Stop this.
I’m still a child.
I’m still five, and the memory of splashing in the despairing rain with my green raincoat and Dad is not a lifelong treasured memory; it was just Dad trying to occupy my yesterday when the rain wouldn’t let up.
I’m still seven, and we had to put Oscar down last night. He was my first best friend with a thousand untold secrets and a million shedding hairs. I don’t understand what being put to sleep means.
I’m still nine, and my best friend and I decide to start a dog walking business. We constantly complain because we are too young to get any serious customers who didn’t patronize us. We can’t wait until we’re older.
I’m still eleven, and my brother and I are learning to surf. We have a constant rivalry, despite us both being as unbalanced as two upright sloths on a hamster wheel.
I’m still twelve, and we talk about what we’ll do when we finish school. We decide that we’ll go to Borneo together, and then come back home and study to become vets, my best friend and me. We can’t wait to finish school.
I’m still thirteen, and my first crush told my best friend he likes her. He asks me for help in asking her out. I help; she doesn’t know I like him. She says yes.
I’m still fourteen, and I’ve left my best friend and moved away. A new school, new city, new life, and it terrifies me.
I’m still fifteen, and this time it’s my turn. My first date, first kiss, first boyfriend. It’s a new world for me.
I’m still fifteen, and it’s my first heartbreak. He left; my second dog was put down; Pa was diagnosed with Leukemia. Three heartbreaks rolled into one.
But I’m sixteen now. I’m not a child. I can drive and have *** I can travel without permission, I’m trusted to deal with peer pressure and drugs and alcohol. This isn’t child’s play anymore.
I’m not sixteen. I’m still a child.
Where did it all go? Why did I want to grow up?
I don’t want to grow up.
> a.t.
Feb 24, 2017
Feb 24, 2017 at 10:22 PM UTC
I'm scared, I'm scared,
I'm running for the hills,
Don't make me do this today.
I know I was excited
Last week, last night,
But now there are things in my way.
There are people, thoughts, humming, buzzing, taunting, teasing, out there, and I know it's only in my head, my head, it's stupid, I'm weak, other people don't care, don't care, don't care…
I can't.
Not today.
Please.
> a.t.
Dec 28, 2016
Dec 28, 2016 at 7:29 AM UTC
Command or conform,
You don't have a choice,
For that's the way of the world.
Lead the pack
Or be the pack;
Your mind laying dormant and furled.
You'll be governed by strict rules,
But no, think for yourself:
Do the good, fight the evil,
Put your life on a shelf.
For when people say follow your dreams,
They don't really mean follow
It's a masquerade for *co-align with us
Or we'll leave you dry and hollow*
If you lead,
You're honourable, worthy,
But only for a while;
For if you infringe the decisions of the pack,
They'll watch your ousting with a smile.
But that is the law of the land,
The way the world works.
If you follow, you're weak
But if you lead, it hurts.
> a.t.
Dec 28, 2016
Dec 28, 2016 at 5:52 AM UTC
Here, little one
Come and follow me;
The roads may be scary
And the oceans deep.
Walk with me and keep me company,
I'll see you safe and through
Listen to my mediocre teachings
Mon petit chou chou
The demons in your head,
May command your feet;
But there's plenty of terrible ones
Waiting for you to meet.
So follow, little stargazer
And when these things ring true,
Just remember, my darling:
They're not stronger than you.
Your mind commands a thousand seas,
You're smarter than you know,
Have confidence, adventure, belief;
There's a long way left to go.
And trust me, little stargazer
With this you'll get through.
It's hard, I know, but you can fight,
For I was once like you.
> a.t.
Dec 28, 2016
Dec 28, 2016 at 5:49 AM UTC