My soul yearned, will want, and will seek for a way out.
A freedom and a home it sought.
As my soul yelled for help,
It impatiently waited for my body to go limp.
A polite murderer: I guess that’s just the way my soul is wired.
The need to be understood, seen, and admired.
Makes my soul want to tear it self away.
And blind the whole world with its divine light as people -from its beauty and horror- sway.
I, sometimes wish if my soul was to be contempt with its golden cage:
my body.
But, I yearn to escape this cage the more that age.
I yearn to be more than a nobody.
But how do you become great as your feet are shackled.
As you find yourself wasting on the floor; by reality you were tackled.
In a river of diluted red streaks,
your tears flow never endlessly down your cheeks.
For your soul gave up before your body.
Congratulations: you have become another faceless nobody.
There is a name for this phenomenon.
A phase I wish I could look beyond:
growing up, maturing, entering adulthood.
Why did we have to outgrow childhood? That I never understood.
Apr 22, 2023
Apr 22, 2023 at 11:41 PM UTC
I keep missing a man I never met.
A person whom my soul grieves every minute of the day.
A happy place to turn to when I’m upset.
Only to remember, that he isn’t here yet.
He never was, and may never be.
Because I need to be capable on my own.
But the thing is, I’m ok alone. I’m doing fine alone. But my heart clenches for another heart to sync my beats.
A soul that speaks my mother language like I do.
I don’t want it to be an unhealthy obsession or to make my life revolve around him or for him to carry the center piece of my heart that is meant for God.
I want an arm to sleep in. Someone to love the lovey pieces of me and someone to love the parts that I hate about myself. Because no matter how many times I’m told to love myself before I want to be loved I can’t help but disagree.
I love the beautiful parts of me. But the old ugly scars, the bald spots, the strawberry skin, the mean, selfish part of me…it’s toxic and unnatural to fall in love with these parts of myself.
But a soulmate, they see the pain those pieces of me cause, they see my clear dislike for them. And for that they love those parts of me: because to him it’s my most sensitive vulnerable naked self hiding a little kid thinking she’s too stupid and worthless for the big adventures in the world. To a lover, my flaws are nothing but a proof that I am not a dream and rather a reality. A soul flush against them, a soul having so much faith love and respect for them that it timidly shows their scars and faults whilst crossing my fingers to be accepted and loved regardless.
My heart aches and calls for the man who will hold me in his big strong arms. A man who will whisper in my ears that it will all be ok. When the morning comes he will help me wake up because heaven knows getting up is the hardest part of my day.
I hate waking up only to face a reality I in all means wish to procrastinate facing it. I do wake up when I’m alone. I do wake up now with no man. And I face reality regardless. But is it so bad to want another soul to help me bear the weight of the average day?
Is it weak of me to wish for a soul that loves me dearly that never picks up every little bad habit I have and reproach me for it?
Is it bad to want more than a parent that blames?
To want more than a friend that wants what’s best for you but can never really truly see your soul?
All of the paradoxal parts of your soul?
Is it so bad to want more than a friend who turns a blind eye to your ugly pieces?
Is it so bad to want someone to believe in my possibly non existent ability to achieve my unrealizable dreams?
I am grateful for thé love i have in my life. For my friends. For my little siblings that have so much expectations for me yet I continue doing exactly what hurt me as a child to them. Yet I continue to disappoint them. Yet I continue to shove my ugly soul down their throat. Only to show them glimpses of the beautiful energy in me. Oh how I hate who I become when my sisters catch me in a bad mood.
How I hate that the antidepressants don’t do **** anymore. How I hate that I feel completely utterly like an ugly mess. Is it so bad to wish for a Prince Charming to make me feel like a beautiful princess that regardless of her apparent weakness and helplessness she has a magic power that no one holds but her?
A magic power that only worked after the appearance of Prince Charming. I can understand the anger of women. Their anger towards men and Disney. Their obsession with doing it all alone. I understand it all. But is it so bad that I haven’t lost hope? That I believe in a soul mate? That I hope and can only hope that our roads will cross?
Don’t tell me to get up on my own. To do all of that on my own. Because I will. I will become better and I will become beautiful on my own. But is to so bad to wish for a man to watch me evolve?
Is it so bad to wish for a masculine energy other than that overly exposed part of me?
Is it so bad that no man has ever lived up to the standards of my soulmate?
Is it so bad that no soul has been able to fluently understand my language?
Whatever fate holds for me. I hope that God would make me come out of strong and beautiful. But God will you please please allow my soul to meet its companion.
For God, I need no one but you. But you know, you know how the journey is much more pretty and less bitter when surrounded by the souls I was intertwined with before they became ripped apart and each was given a temporary house: a body.
But my house will never be a home if there is no one to come back to. God I miss him so much. Don’t tell me he doesn’t exist. He might have died. Heck we might no even exist in the same era.
But he existed I can feel him. In the cries of my soul. In the grieves of my soul. In the longing of my soul. In the back of my head. A distant memory that I can’t remember but that always haunts me. I can feel him in the way I’m so loyal to a person that I don’t remember.
God please have mercy on me and let our souls intertwine again during this life. The want is turning into a dull ache in my chest to violent thudding against my rib cage to a full hollow heart.
Apr 6, 2023
Apr 6, 2023 at 8:29 PM UTC
When in doubt, choose the route
that guarantees your softness.
The one that thrives in your kindness.
Put as much space as possible,
between yourself and what makes you bitter.
Be wild, carefree and highly improbable.
A surprise box painted with pink glitter.
Filled with pleasant mysteries and treasuries.
Some, for the world to discover.
Some, meant for your lover.
Others, for your friends to cherish.
May love in your life never perish.
Mar 30, 2023
Mar 30, 2023 at 12:10 PM UTC
As the universe expands. The starry night dims. Stars drift rather away. Dark lonely nights are more common now. But as long as there is that one star that twinkles at me every brightly. I shall keep my fire alive.
Sep 29, 2022
Sep 29, 2022 at 6:14 PM UTC
I survived in order to live.
But I ended up in an endless circle of survival.
A circle only broken by death’s knocks at the door.
He joined me in my grief of the life I never lived .
For I had no life to give him, and he found nothing to take.
Sep 27, 2022
Sep 27, 2022 at 5:25 PM UTC
As I contemplate the starry sky.
An angry dragon breathes fire, ready to fly.
As the fire engulfs the earth beneath me,
I am already 10 feet high, the golden flames are all I can see.
We fly away from this mess of land.
The dragon flies lower, my feet touching the cool surface of the sea.
I don’t want this ride to end, I don’t won’t to land.
But every beautiful thing comes to an end.
We have arrived at never land. My heart beats rapidly in excitement of meeting a friend.
I guess all ending are in fact beginnings.
As I regard never land,
I relise that all the tales are true,
Everyone is young with a juvenile hue.
Time ticks incredibly slow.
Worry less Kids are swimming in the lake’s flow.
My heart aches for the youth back home.
The ones whom the lands of stress are all they can roam.
Peter Pan -an old friend who always forgets me- skips my way,
He stops in his path looking at me quizzically “why are you so gray?”
The lost boys walk towards us,
Before I get the chance to discuss
The lost boys begin to chant:
“In never land you are forever free,
With absolutely nothing to rant!
For In these lands you can swim and eat your weight in glee!
We are all young and carefree”
“You might have no wings,” they sing
“But you can forever use the fairy dust.
In these lands there are no sins such as lust.
You can swim the lake or the ocean as you wish,
Be careful from the mermaids but the fish!
O the fish! They’re all your friends.
Speaking of friends, here is a friendly advice : always take with you a magnifying lens,
For this land is full of wonders that are worth to be discovered !
And whatever it is that you have uncovered,
Share it with the lost boys!
We love new things, we love toys!”
Their voices fade as they move away.
I guess I can get used to waking up in this land everyday.
But the youth back home.
It’s almost like they’re kept away by a gnome.
Kept hidden from this beauteous ground.
Left to bleed from their souls wound.
Aug 20, 2022
Aug 20, 2022 at 12:27 PM UTC
Regardless of how you might be so flawless,
Regardless of how tough,
You will forever be in need for solace.
But when the words are not enough,
When the strokes of a brush can’t explain,
When the hustle ceases to provide you with reverential gain,
When the tender sounds of music can’t calm,
When the turbulences of your soul hold more energy than that of an atomic bomb,
What on earth can possibly make your soul find the alleviation it starved for?
Maybe the realms that are worth to explore,
Are the heavens above, for the answer is non existent on this mortal planet.
Anything else that would make you believe otherwise, is nothing but a spell: an enchantment.
Aug 20, 2022
Aug 20, 2022 at 11:12 AM UTC
Ignoring the fact that it has no engineman, no plan, no back-up, and it's passengers couldn't keep up.
My life feels like an empty train with no destination.
It's goal is to move away as far as it could with no hesitation .
Maybe I'm supposed to be the one driving.
If I do, then I might as well just forget about arriving.
Actually, can this thing even be on auto-mode? I see no concrete railroad track.
So far, I've been letting it do it's job and fall back.
But lately it's moving so fast, I kind of want to go back.
Just a while ago I was in station twelve, I got distracted and wasn't aware of the train leaving. Ever since, I've been wandering around, grieving. From time to time I would get glimpses of my train. I would call out for it, but it refused to stop or even slow down. So I chose a town, and settled in. It was called town sixteen. Before I got comfortable, my train came by to fix it's engine. And I was getting sick from my routine. So I decided to get in, and it was great.
Little did I know that this joy was yet to fade.
I got to see all sorts of forgotten views: passion, friends, peace, God...
Little did I know that the temporary serenity was a fraud.
As we approached station seventeen, the train was gaining speed. "Slow down!" To the thickheaded machine I plead. I was not keeping firm ground. That before I knew it, I fell to the ground.
Out of the train I was shot.
My face felt hot.
Covered in blood and broken glass.
I have completely ruined someone's freshly cut grass.
I was so embarrassed and miserable, my own train threw me out.
Full of self-doubt
I decided to out run that thickheaded train.
I ran and ran and ran...
but in vain.
After some struggle, I came up with a simple plan:
to follow the most used railroad.
The freshly traced marks on the sand, I followed.
Thus, I arrived to the common land.
Everyone was so busy, going in all different directions at impossible speed. That no one bothered to give me a hand.
Not that I cared anyways.
For I too had my ways…
Ways that I hoped to discover anytime soon.
Aug 19, 2022
Aug 19, 2022 at 7:38 PM UTC
But to save others, One shall not need to be saved
Jul 23, 2022
Jul 23, 2022 at 4:40 PM UTC
Ignoring the fact that it has no engineman ,no backup-plan, and it's passengers couldn't keep up.
My life feels like an empty train with no destination.
It's goal is to move away as far as it could with no hesitation .
Maybe I'm supposed to be the one driving.
Yet, I'm not the biggest fan of land, I prefer diving.
Can this thing even be on auto-mode? I see no railroad track.
Blue, green, white and black.
Maybe I should build a submarine instead.
I think I will paint it red.
But to find the manual I most take charge of the train.
What a pain.
Dec 26, 2021
Dec 26, 2021 at 1:35 PM UTC