I received a message yesterday,
from an unexpected sender.
Someone I had not spoken to in years.
The last we spoke was in high school.
At the time,
I was dating a guy who loved to manipulate and lie,
and she was falling for him as our friendship grew.
We had a falling out,
after they both broke my heart,
and for so long I held so much anger for her.
I no longer trusted friends,
and I was insecure about everything.
I had never known such deceit.
But after we all parted ways,
I began to reflect on it all.
A part of me felt sorry for her.
She fell for him the same way I did.
How could I hate her for that?
The last thing I expected was an apology.
Especially after the bitter words we shared before.
She explained how awful she still felt,
and how she just wanted forgiveness.
It was a strange feeling to put something from the past to rest,
because so much happen that I never got closure for.
I had already decided I never would get closure for any of it.
I'm so glad I was wrong.
Nov 11, 2020
Nov 11, 2020 at 3:21 PM UTC
I often think I never loved you.
I was just a dumb kid after all.
What fifteen year old understands love?
I think I just felt comfortable with you.
My lips had never touched another's.
My arms were use to your embrace.
Your family had welcomed me as their own.
I didn't know how I could break away from it.
Even as you hurt me,
and left me crying countless times,
I couldn't take the steps to get away from you.
The thought of leaving you plagued me.
What would it be like to smell your cologne,
and to recognize it as just another scent.
Nothing special.
Or to walk the halls of our school,
without you holding my hand.
You see,
I don't think I loved you.
I was just afraid of being alone.
I was use to you.
You were just there.
You were just familiar.
Nov 4, 2020
Nov 4, 2020 at 11:22 AM UTC
Obsessions.
They are what keep my brain from the trauma.
From the darker side.
In school I was the weird girl,
the one who talked about the things she loved too much.
The one who couldn't just LIKE something.
Whether it was a band or movie,
I would obsess.
I'd find a song I loved,
and overplay it until my ears would bleed.
I'd read a book,
only to read the same book five more times right after.
I began to think I was just a strange person.
I just had obsessive tendencies.
Then I notice something...
These obsession always spark after something bad happens,
or after my brain decides to go to dark place.
These obsessions are my minds way of protecting itself.
Because it's much nicer to obsessed over a band,
or a movie no one else cares about,
than to sit and dwell on all the awful turns life could take.
So let me obsess.
Let me be weird.
It's for my own good.
Oct 23, 2020
Oct 23, 2020 at 3:14 PM UTC
It's been four months since you made that decision.
Four Months.
How?
How has it only been four?!
I feel like it's been a lifetime,
since we've heard that laugh of yours,
or since you've picked on me and made me feel like I belonged.
Time seems to be almost at a standstill,
as we still try to figure out why you did what you did.
Four months ago,
you decided to leave.
Four months ago,
our lives changed forever.
I just wish we would've known before.
Maybe we could've saved you.
But here we are...
Four months from June 1st...
still crying those same tears.
Still wishing you wouldn't have left us.
Oct 1, 2020
Oct 1, 2020 at 1:39 PM UTC
I'm thinking about you again today.
I think about you every day to be honest.
I just got through reading a long post your mom made to you.
It breaks my heart that you'll never get to read it.
You'll never get to see how much you were truly loved.
I go to your facebook page every other day as well.
I don't even use facebook anymore,
but I guess there's a part of me that still hopes it's all a dream,
and that one day I'll go on your page,
and it will no be a memorial page.
The pictures that read "Rest In Peace" will be gone.
Your last message to us wouldn't be there.
Instead you'd have posted something funny,
or replied to one of your friends dumb posts.
I still hope that you'll message me back,
and I'll come home to my husband laughing at something you said.
But I know it won't happen.
Deep down inside,
I know you're gone.
But it's just not fair.
It's not right.
You should be here with us.
You should still be laughing,
and smiling,
and breathing.
Your mom shouldn't have to miss her first born.
Your dad shouldn't have to drive your truck to feel close to you.
Your siblings shouldn't have to know life without their big brother.
I just don't get it.
I know you were hurting...
but it's like your hurting never went away.
Like a nasty parasite,
your pain latched onto everyone who loved you,
the minute your soul left this earth.
None of us will ever be the same again.
June the first was when you turned our world upside down.
We've been feeling the shockwave ever since,
and I don't think that feeling will ever leave us.
We miss you Ivan.
I just wish you could see how much we miss you...
Sep 25, 2020
Sep 25, 2020 at 10:26 AM UTC
If someone would've told me last year,
that I'd be where I am now,
and that this year would change my life forever,
I probably wouldn't have believed you.
And I know what you're probably thinking.
"This whole virus has changed everyone".
But that's not what I'm talking about.
I was a germaphobe and anti social before the pandemic.
What changed my life was the loss of two friends.
They were 22 and 23.
One took his life on March 16th.
The other took his life on June 1st but passed away on the 2nd.
Both went the same way,
but knew nothing about the other.
Both shared in the same struggled,
but had no idea that someone else who understood was out there.
After their deaths,
I realized my life was forever changed.
The word suicide broke my heart anytime I heard it,
and it just brought back the pain of what I wasn't able to prevent.
I take depression more seriously now.
I've started asking people if they are okay,
to the point that it's probably annoying.
But I can't help it.
I've started wanting to just help others.
I think every day that if I could just save one person,
my life would be complete.
I just want to help someone.
I think about who I was a year ago,
and how she had no idea what would happen,
to the boy she met in middle school,
or the guy she had just become friends with.
I think about how innocent she was,
to not know this pain.
How lucky she was,
to not have this hole in her chest.
But I also think of how blind she was,
to the way others felt.
And how I will never be blind like her,
ever again.
Sep 23, 2020
Sep 23, 2020 at 2:25 PM UTC
Every time I here sirens,
I think of you.
I think of the lights I saw.
The reds and the blues.
I had no idea it was you.
And to this day,
I still flinch at the thought,
that it could be someone else I care about.
Sep 17, 2020
Sep 17, 2020 at 4:25 PM UTC
I realized yesterday,
that I've written many poems,
but only shared a few.
I think it's because I've convinced myself,
that my words are too much,
and that no one wants to read another tragic tale.
No one wants to hear about me,
my messed up emotions,
or my dead friends.
No one wants to read about,
the days I felt like I was drowning.
There's no point in sharing what others find boring.
But then again,
it helps when I share.
I feel like even when no one seems to care,
at least I got my thoughts out there.
At least there's a chance that someone who's struggling,
will see that they aren't struggling alone.
So from this day forth,
I won't hold back.
I will pour my soul out for the poor and unfortunate.
I will tell you the stories of heartbreak,
I will tell you about the one's I've lost.
Even if you don't care to listen.
Sep 17, 2020
Sep 17, 2020 at 4:20 PM UTC
June the first...
About thirty minutes after 9 AM.
I got the call.
I remember not allowing myself to believe you'd leave.
I messaged your Facebook,
telling you how much I cared about you.
I reminded you that we needed you to stay,
so you had to keep fighting.
I remember feeling so on edge that day,
but still not letting myself let go of that hope.
I believed so strongly that you'd breathe on your own again.
The next day,
All of us were on pins and needles.
Your mother was posting pictures of you,
strangers in states you'd never even been were praying for you.
Then 3:07 came.
You took your very last breath.
You took a part of us with you.
I cried so hard that I didn't think I would ever stop.
I wanted to scream at you...
but I also just wanted to hear your voice again.
I wanted to wake up,
only for someone to tell me it was just a horrible nightmare.
But I couldn't.
This was reality.
You were gone.
And the worst part of you leaving,
was the fact that I didn't know where you went.
Could you still hear me when I talked to you?
Were you watching over us?
Or were you too far away now.
Or were you even around at all anymore.
Were you simply just gone?!
I questioned everything after you left.
But eventually I had to come to terms with something.
That something was that you were not here.
No matter where you were or weren't,
you would not be HERE again.
I wouldn't see you or hear you again,
except for in my dreams where I pleaded for you to tell me why...
the one's where you smiled and refuse to answer.
I had to start letting go.
Once I started to let go,
I began to see things clearly again.
The pain of losing you was still there,
and I know it will never leave,
but it wasn't keeping me from living anymore.
I decided I couldn't let you go in vain.
I had to start living a life you'd be proud of instead.
So here I am...
Almost four months later,
on this rainy day,
thinking about how much I miss your dumb jokes.
Thinking about how happy I am that I got to know you.
I still wonder where you are,
but I just hope it's somewhere beautiful.
Sep 16, 2020
Sep 16, 2020 at 1:51 PM UTC
I know we haven't spoken in awhile.
And we each live completely different lives,
but there's some things I've currently realized about you,
that I've just got to get off my chest.
So here it goes...
Thank you.
Thank you for being the only guy who didn't lie to me.
You were honest,
even when it broke my heart.
When you weren't serious about us,
you told me.
When you liked another girl,
you told me.
You never kept any of it a secret.
I saw you as the enemy for a little while.
I saw you as the first boy to break my heart.
But you weren't trying to hurt me.
You couldn't help that I fell for you so fast.
It wasn't your fault that you didn't feel exactly the same.
You were never obligated to feel anything for me.
You were just a teenage boy,
trying to figure out life.
I'm thankful that you broke up with me.
Because the guy after you wasn't so kind.
He broke me in ways I can't even explain.
In ways that you would've never even dreamed of.
Thank you for being a gentleman.
I'm sorry for thinking you were anything other than that.
I hope you are living a full and happy life.
I hope you meet that girl of your dreams.
I hope she's everything you've been searching for and more.
Thank you, again.
For being the only one who broke my heart in the kindest way.
Aug 20, 2020
Aug 20, 2020 at 4:31 PM UTC