I'm just barely getting by
Holding it together as long as I can
Keep a straight face
Don't think about it
Don't look at it
Don't touch it
Don't you ******* dare
I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye
And it's burns in an unfamiliar way
I haven't come to terms with the fact that you aren't in my life anymore
Things are changing
You are leaving
And I am leaving too
I always thought you'd be there
An active part of my every day life
The one person who would always be with me
Through thick and thin
And I just cannot get myself to understand that you are not
It hurts too much
So I change the subject
Even though I'm the only one around
And eventually I have to touch it
To see if it still hurts
And each time I do, it is worse than the time before
And I hate that I still wait on your texts
I hate that I still need you
I hate that this is all so hard
I don't understand why people would want to risk falling in love, if it could end like this
If it could hurt this much
I know that's what everyone says
"I'll never fall in love again, I'll never be happy again"
But you will
Whether or not you will ever be in love enough or happy enough to fill that gaping hole...well that's another question
Knowing how special something was that you had
And knowing that the likelihood of you finding a love like that again is 7,423,569,767 to 1
It's devastating
And I want to forgive you
I want to move forward
I want to take it back, just like I said that I would
Any under any other circumstance I would...
I did
Until I couldn't anymore
May 19, 2016
May 19, 2016 at 6:37 PM UTC
It's 2pm and it's pouring outside.
Mother Nature is singing of sorrow.
I am numb, for the most part.
Until that ache in my chest begins.
I've never felt anything like this before.
I can feel my heart being ripped in two.
After so many years we merged together.
So nicely you couldn't even see a seam.
Now we're parting ways and trying to find ourselves.
Trying to distinguish what part goes where and with who.
Trying to leave it how we found it.
Trying to figure out which parts are me and which parts are you.
And I guess I should feel free.
I should feel a weight being lifted.
I should be something...
But I am not.
I am invisible.
Hiding in the shadows.
Watching my life like a television screen.
Covering my eyes at the gory parts.
You won't see me anymore.
That piece is dead.
I'm sad to say, as much as I don't want it to be...this is the end.
And I'll write you one last goodbye one hundred times over.
I'll say I'm really letting go.
That it's easy.
That I'm fine.
But deep down I know I'm not.
if I thought I could keep you and be happy I would...
I did.
Many times.
But at some point you have to accept what is.
And it's not what it was anymore.
We're at our crossroad.
You in one vehicle and myself in the other.
I'm looking at you in the rear view mirror...
And I'm driving to a home I don't know.
May 19, 2016
May 19, 2016 at 4:38 PM UTC
I can feel myself slipping
Everything is slowly fading to black
The stars don't shine anymore
They've all burnt out
Their flame distinguished
Nothing left but steam in the craters it created in the earth when it fell
Much like our love
And I hope it doesn't have to be this way
I'm hoping we haven't touched down yet
I'm hoping that we can move forward
I'm hoping we can forgive and forget
I just feel so heavy
Too heavy to make a move
My lungs struggling to breathe under the weight
My heart slowing down
My Fingers are turning blue
The blackness sets in again
I just can't move
So I just lay there
Slowly being crushed
Gasping frantically for air
Until I just give up
She's coming soon to take me
To offer me my last kiss
To release me from my agony
And I welcome her with open arms
As her wings open in elegance I just stare in awe
She smiles at me and whispers
Shhhh it's okay, I'm here now
Just close your eyes and think of something happy
And my mind goes to you
She kneels in and kisses me
I see your face and you're smiling at me
Giggling in fact, at something I had said
And as I closed my eyes for one last time all I have are regrets
May 18, 2016
May 18, 2016 at 2:56 PM UTC
I always thought I knew what heartache was.
I thought I'd felt the worst of it all.
That it could never hurt more than it was hurting right then.
That at least if I had my heart broken in the future, it couldn't feel any worse than it did in that moment.
But I was wrong.
As each day passes I find that it breaks a little more.
I never thought I'd be without you.
I never thought it could hurt this bad.
Almost 8 years we spent together, and I don't know how to let that go.
I don't know how to pretend that it doesn't hurt or that I don't think of you always.
I don't know how I could ever be as close to anyone as I am to you.
I took all of my armor off and exposed my tender underbelly.
I showed you all of me.
Told you every secret I have.
Even the ones I swore that I would take to my grave.
And now I have to say goodbye.
You say you're still hopeful but I can see it in your eyes.
I feel it when you speak of the things I don't want to hear.
I'm just biding time.
Just waiting and pretending it's not here yet.
Even though I know that it is.
I feel that I only have a few days left with you and as each day passes I'm one step closer to not having you in my life.
At least how I thought I'd have you in my life.
I still speak of the future and catch Myself in mid sentence, or try to pretend that I hadn't said that.
Try to pretend that it doesn't hurt.
Try to pretend it isn't real.
Next June we were supposed to get married.
The day that I'd been looking forward to since I knew I loved you.
We went to the DI yesterday to look around.
I saw some wedding dresses and cried out happily as I went to walk towards them, only to remember midway step through that was not my future anymore...
At least not with you.
I was so embarrassed and heartbroken but I didn't want you to know.
You heard me and asked what I said and I said nothing.
You heard me though, and you told me that was still not off the table.
I want to believe you, but I just feel it in my gut and I can't shake it.
I'm just watching you slowly slip away and there's nothing I can do about it.
No amount of I'm sorry, or I didn't mean to hurt you can ever make it go away.
And I know that.
That's what kills me.
Later that evening we were talking about dinner and somehow came to talk about prime rib.
I mentioned that I had planned to make that for Christmas this year, and that you know that I just have to have turkey on thanksgiving.
And it hit me again.
That moment where you realize that last years Christmas really was the last.
They said it would be her last Christmas too.
And it was.
And I don't know how to handle that.
I don't know how to face the pain I've caused you.
I don't know how to get right with the fact that I was not there when you needed me.
I don't know how to cope with the fact that I could be so cruel.
It was never my intention and I will never forget or forgive myself for that.
I quickly changed the subject, hoping that you hadn't heard me.
That you hadn't heard that change in my voice
That you hadn't seen the look of devastation throughout my body.
I think I did it well that time.
Or maybe you heard and you realized it too...
I can't help but to cry, but I can't let you see me.
So I go to the bathroom and turn the fan on so you can't hear me.
Try to pretend everything is fine.
Try to enjoy what is very likely one of our last days.
That's the killer...
Watching something you love die before your eyes.
Knowing that it's coming and just watching it all disappear.
Every plan we had slowly denigrating
My heart is broken
And I don't know that it will ever heal
I don't know how I'm going to tell everyone that we aren't getting married.
I don't know how you answer all of the questions.
I don't know how to hide the hurt.
A part of me wishes that I hadn't told them.
I want to be the only one who knew so that I could just be alone in my grief.
Not have to face that.
Because when I do, it's really over.
And We can't just "slowly grow apart" and hope no one notices...
I have to face this heartbreak dead on and it is you I look to for comfort
But you won't be there
You won't be there to make it better
To make me feel safe and loved
There will be no more "well at least we have each other"
No more us.
I will love you my whole life
And long after
May 15, 2016
May 15, 2016 at 3:47 PM UTC
On a scale of one to ten how bad does it hurt?
The doctor always asks this before giving you any form of relief.
And you lie and say it's an 8 when it's really a 5.
Afraid the remedy related to the number won't be strong enough.
Afraid you'll still feel the pain and there will be nothing more to stop it.
Afraid that it might never feel as good as it's going to feel in this moment
This moment is the last you get
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid this pain in my chest will never stop
And no matter how many bottles of ***** you go through it will never feel that way again
That moment when you're anticipating the pain but it's not real yet
You're just looking at it
And then the words come out and it's reality
Your world is crumbling and there is nothing anyone or anything can do to stop it
So I lied and said it was a 10 when it was really a 15
May 13, 2016
May 13, 2016 at 4:20 PM UTC
Tonight I'll stand on the ledge
Stare down at the rocks below
Watch as the waves crash in and kiss the shore
The ones I've stared down at one too many times
And I'll fantasize about the fall
And the blood
And the carnage
It comes in waves, you know
And I never see it coming
Tonight I will show no mercy
But according to you I never have
According to you I am selfish and unkind
But my dear, I've always tried to give that to you
I am honest but not always open
I tell you the bare minimum
The superficial things
Because I don't know how to speak
To say those things out loud
To describe the pain inside
And I wont break your heart in order to fix mine
Tonight I'll play the martyr
I'll take all the blame
I'll carry that burden
And I won't say a word
I thought she'd go away
But It's almost been two years
I convinced myself that if I pretended it was all okay
It would be with time
There is a fire in me
Raging through my veins
Growing higher and higher with each trespass
And it's not dying down
Tonight I will stay quiet
Ill hear your silent pleas
That high pitched screaming
The one that only dogs can hear
"It's the atoms settling in"
Ringing in my head
As the blood drips from each ear I am calm
It is silent for a while
Until you've caught your breath
Your resentment seeping from your pores
Tonight I will not fight
For I am selfish in your eyes
A monster in disguise
Plotting my revenge and playing nice
Growling at you with your heart between my teeth
Always threatening to bite down
Daring you to make a move
Showing no sense of remorse or empathy
Is that really how you see me?
Tonight I'll pick up the pieces
Pack up the memories
And sort them one by one into nicely labeled boxes
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
It is always the same
And I'm tired of fighting
Tired of going back and forth between taking your name and taking my things and leaving
And I know you are fully aware that when that happens I will not look back
And that scares you
Tonight I'll expose my soul to you
I will not hold back
I'm not one to show my emotions
To bare my scars to the onlooker
It took you 6 years to even get to know me
The person I truly was inside
You always leave me here
To cleanup what you leave behind
Tonight you will be angry with me
Until you meet my eye
And you're just left with the pain of the day
You push me away to test me
But baby, this isn't a game
I can't guess what you're thinking, nor should I have to
I've been honest with you
And always kept your best interest in mind
And maybe you don't like it
You'll say I'm merciless yet again
And I will gladly let you believe that
Because I know that's easier for you
Tonight we'll just pretend
May 13, 2016
May 13, 2016 at 4:18 PM UTC
It’s 3am and I can’t sleep
My hearts too heavy to dream
My eyes burn as I walk through the halls
Trying to find shelter from my thoughts
I’ve got a strange feeling
I guess heartache is what it’s called
And I carry her with me everywhere I go
I’ve learned to hide her well
Leave the room inside my head where she lies, when they ask
Deny her existence everywhere I turn
But when it gets quiet I can hear her crying
Moaning through the halls that she paces each night
Mourning the loss of the one that she loved
I think I died that night
The one where you left me alone
Lied and said it wasn’t her who had called
And I believed you
I believed that you wanted to be with me but you had a client emergency that couldn’t be avoided
But you promised you’d be home just as soon as you were done
1 hour, you said
3 hours passed
I cried myself to sleep praying not to see another day
You left me alone and I died that night
It was 3am when you returned
The smell of her all over your skin
The taste of her spit still on your lips
I felt more disgusting in that moment than I have ever felt in my entire life
I realized where you had been as you slid your hand down my pants
You looked at me and you knew that I knew
You panicked and ran off to take a shower
You tried to burn her fingerprints from your skin
Tried to wash away all of the guilt and shame
Tried to maintain the lie
I paced through the living room
Trying to grasp the reality that had recently become my own
It hurt
It hurt like hell
It was 3am and I died that night, and each night since then
Apr 13, 2016
Apr 13, 2016 at 5:19 PM UTC
You’ll never know how many times a day I fantasize about running a blade across my skin.
Feeling that dull burn and the pull of my flesh against the blade.
The sweet crimson relief pouring from my soul.
I feel the blackness in me.
It’s toxic, flooding my veins with poison.
Causing sepsis within my heart.
Killing what is left of me.
I need to release it before it eats me alive.
It can’t get out if I don’t make an opening!
It’s fingers reach through the wound and slowly tears me apart.
Pulling at my skin until the hole is big enough for it to slink out of.
I am frozen.
Forever haunted by my shadow.
Forever tormented by her words.
Apr 13, 2016
Apr 13, 2016 at 5:07 PM UTC
Devastated
Lonely
Confused
Hopeless
I’ve felt this way for months
The sky has been crying since
I often wonder if it sees me suffering?
If it’s nature trying to console me?
That’s crazy, I know
But I still can’t help but wonder
Every time I start to cry, I mean really cry, it starts to pour
When my spirits start to lift, the weather soon does after
The sky has been grey for at least 3 days now
It’s beautiful
It reminds me of home
I feel safe in the darkness
So I let it swallow me whole
Enveloping me until there is nothing left but black
This is my sanctuary
This is how I escape
This is how I will make it out alive
This is how I become sane
Or is this how I become insane?
I never could tell the difference
What’s the difference between pain and love?
There’s a fine line
With just one stumble, you could fall out of one and into the other
Good or bad?
Right or wrong?
Easy or hard?
These simple questions hold a multitude of different answers
They have millions of questions inside them
Three simple words
That’s it
Three simple words are so easy to say
They hold so much meaning
They get used too easily
Easy or hard?
Easy or hard?
Which would you choose?
With the easy road, it never gets fixed
It never gets resolved
It could possibly end it all
The hard road is filled with struggle
It’s filled with sacrifices and pain
But it’s worth it if you can get there
Which would you choose?
Do you know the answer?
What if you walked that hard road, but they went the easy way?
Right or wrong?
Right or wrong?
Is it right that they do wrong?
Are you right?
What if you’re wrong?
What if you took the easy way thinking it was the hard way?
How do you know the difference?
How do you keep sane?
Left, no right?
Right again!
Left, Left, Left.
Search inside, find your moral high ground
Good or bad?
Bad or Good?
Neither?
Do you know?
What do you stand for?
Keep searching
Unlock that door
Find the key
Find the key
Break it down if you have to
There!
Over there!
The answers you’ve been searching for!
Crack the code
Crack the code
What if I can’t crack the code?
Was this all a waste?
Was this not the hard road?
Slipping, slipping, slipping
Psychosis is sinking in
She is my best friend
Coddling me like a child when I can no longer stand on my own
Sinking in, deeper and deeper
Black
So much black
She is my only friend
She speaks to me silently, but from where I can not tell
Who’s that?
Who’s there?
Yes, I hear you!
Hello!
I understand
Thank you
It’s good to not be alone
Apr 13, 2016
Apr 13, 2016 at 5:05 PM UTC
I don’t know what we are now
I just know it’s not what it was
I fear that you don’t want to change
I fear you can’t see through my flaws
There are so many thoughts running through my head
It’s hard to keep track of what is real and what is not
I feel like I’ve been side swiped
You were hiding in my blind spot
Fragments of memories scattered all over the floor
Picture perfect memories, that don’t seem so perfect anymore
I dream of you when I’m not asleep
I dream of what could be
I’m at a loss for words now
This wasn’t anything I could foresee
What do you say, when you have said it all before?
I’m running out of breath
What do you say when no one’s listening anymore?
This silence is making me deaf
I’m unlocking all of the secrets
The door is open now
I’m just hoping we can make it through
But these trespasses, I can’t allow
I know I’ve made my fair share of mistakes
But I feel I am doing my part
I feel like nothing I do will ever change this
I fear it might be too late to restart
I know that is not what I want
I know what I want is you
But I’m afraid that you are unavailable
I fear there is nothing more I can do
It’s hard to feel so helpless…
It’s hard to feel so powerless and alone
We’re at a crossroad now
And it’s up to you to find your way home
I’ll be waiting here patiently
But I can’t wait forever
I will help you anyway that I can
I know if we try, we can make it through this endeavor
I’ve seen you at your worst and loved you through it all
My love for you is unconditional
But I can’t get past your wall
This wall you’ve put up is putting a barrier between us
It is keeping us apart
I can’t get in if you don’t take it down
We can never have a fresh start
The lying has to stop
It isn’t doing anyone any good
I know that you are just afraid
Afraid of being misunderstood
I understand where you are coming from
But you never know until you try
You break my heart a little more
Everytime you lie
I know that it will take time
But my heart will one day heal
This situation has caught me off guard
The whole thing is just so surreal
I’m going through the motions
I’m trying to find my way
I’m trying to read your morse code
But the message, you won’t convey
I need you to talk to me
I need to know the real you
I need you to be honest with me
It’s the least that you could do…
Apr 13, 2016
Apr 13, 2016 at 5:01 PM UTC