aiimeenolan - Hello Poetry

it’s been 7 weeks. 7 weeks since we last had contact. i should be over you. i should be forgetting that you even exist. i shouldn’t have these feelings anymore yet i still find myself wandering back to our fantasy. the one where only you and i existed. i still create new plots and stories to add to our fantasy. do you? do you long for even just an acknowledgment from me? like i do you? or have you forgotten that i even exist. did everything you say mean nothing? how could you hold such poison in your mouth without burning your tongue.

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Apr 4, 2022

Apr 4, 2022 at 7:50 PM UTC

what is wrong with me?

it’s been 7 weeks. 7 weeks since we last had contact. i should be over you. i should be forgetting that you even exist. i shouldn’t have these feelings anymore yet i still find myself wandering back to our fantasy. the one where only you and i existed. i still create new plots and stories to add to our fantasy. do you? do you long for even just an acknowledgment from me? like i do you? or have you forgotten that i even exist. did everything you say mean nothing? how could you hold such poison in your mouth without burning your tongue.

2

i don’t know how to say this but, i love you. and i know you don’t love me so why does my love keep building up and spilling out of me like an overfilled cup of water. the butterflies in my stomach are alive and dancing around at the mere thought of what we had. i don’t know. i don’t know how i could love you when you just abandoned me. you dropped me like i was the last petal of the dandelion you were picking apart. you turned me into an emotional mess who’s only way of coping is listening to taylor swift and sobbing in my bedroom while i scroll through dm’s and dating apps trying to find someone else but despite my attempts to get over you, your sweet nothings remain in my eardrums as if they built a home and live there. your words are stuck in my head like they are tattoo’d on my mind. i love you but it has been five weeks since we last spoke. you don’t care but i care about you so much. why? why am i being this cruel to myself? i guess i find comfort in the distress.

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Mar 22, 2022

Mar 22, 2022 at 6:32 AM UTC

i love you, still

i don’t know how to say this but, i love you. and i know you don’t love me so why does my love keep building up and spilling out of me like an overfilled cup of water. the butterflies in my stomach are alive and dancing around at the mere thought of what we had. i don’t know. i don’t know how i could love you when you just abandoned me. you dropped me like i was the last petal of the dandelion you were picking apart. you turned me into an emotional mess who’s only way of coping is listening to taylor swift and sobbing in my bedroom while i scroll through dm’s and dating apps trying to find someone else but despite my attempts to get over you, your sweet nothings remain in my eardrums as if they built a home and live there. your words are stuck in my head like they are tattoo’d on my mind. i love you but it has been five weeks since we last spoke. you don’t care but i care about you so much. why? why am i being this cruel to myself? i guess i find comfort in the distress.

1

those goodbyes to friendships where you never actually say goodbye, you just drift into a state where it’s too awkward to even say hello, the glances you share after the realisation sits in that you aren’t that close anymore but there’s still an unspoken bond a bond which even the sharpest sword couldn’t split. the pain in your chest when you see them with their other friends and reminisce on how you used to be the person who caused that horrible laugh that you loved so dearly, the secrets that you shared and told each other you would bring to your graves now find their way into the ears of another who, also, promises to bring to their graves. the impulsive thoughts to just call them up and invite them to coffee to catch up even though neither of you know what to even say so you just delete the message. years go by, but there’s still that hope that the fact we never said goodbye means we still have our bond.

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Feb 9, 2022

Feb 9, 2022 at 5:41 PM UTC

friends

those goodbyes to friendships where you never actually say goodbye, you just drift into a state where it’s too awkward to even say hello, the glances you share after the realisation sits in that you aren’t that close anymore but there’s still an unspoken bond a bond which even the sharpest sword couldn’t split. the pain in your chest when you see them with their other friends and reminisce on how you used to be the person who caused that horrible laugh that you loved so dearly, the secrets that you shared and told each other you would bring to your graves now find their way into the ears of another who, also, promises to bring to their graves. the impulsive thoughts to just call them up and invite them to coffee to catch up even though neither of you know what to even say so you just delete the message. years go by, but there’s still that hope that the fact we never said goodbye means we still have our bond.

8

the feeling where my mind is suddenly engulfed when you entered my life the feeling where i suddenly am unable to fathom how i lived a life with you not in it the way i crave to be the thing that inhabited your mind the way your words of sweet nothings etched itself onto my skin like you were marking your territory. i am yours in mind, body and soul. we are the creature separated by zeus and were bound to spend eternity searching for our other half a soulmate, who’s exact thoughts are the same as mine, making me think we are the same person. are you even real? are you sure you’re not a fake body to which my mind so cruelly created? god i hope you’re real.

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Feb 8, 2022

Feb 8, 2022 at 9:38 PM UTC

obsession

the feeling where my mind is suddenly engulfed when you entered my life the feeling where i suddenly am unable to fathom how i lived a life with you not in it the way i crave to be the thing that inhabited your mind the way your words of sweet nothings etched itself onto my skin like you were marking your territory. i am yours in mind, body and soul. we are the creature separated by zeus and were bound to spend eternity searching for our other half a soulmate, who’s exact thoughts are the same as mine, making me think we are the same person. are you even real? are you sure you’re not a fake body to which my mind so cruelly created? god i hope you’re real.

12

exulansis. the tendency to give up talking about an experience because people are unable to relate to it. exulansis. the moment i finally built up courage to come forward about what you did to me. the moment i told my parents and was only met with anger as i refuse to name my abuser. the moment as i freeze up anytime the experience is mentioned. the moment i still haven’t been allowed to heal from this excruciating trauma as you are still in my life. the moment i cannot talk about this experience as those who attempt to console me only meet me with pity and sadness. the moment i realise i am alone in this recovery.

0

Jan 8, 2022

Jan 8, 2022 at 8:31 PM UTC

exulansis

exulansis. the tendency to give up talking about an experience because people are unable to relate to it. exulansis. the moment i finally built up courage to come forward about what you did to me. the moment i told my parents and was only met with anger as i refuse to name my abuser. the moment as i freeze up anytime the experience is mentioned. the moment i still haven’t been allowed to heal from this excruciating trauma as you are still in my life. the moment i cannot talk about this experience as those who attempt to console me only meet me with pity and sadness. the moment i realise i am alone in this recovery.

10

altschmerz. the weariness with the same old issues that you've always had. the same boring flaws and anxieties that you've been gnawing on for years. the 15 year old with the hopefulness in their eyes that one day they won't have to look at themselves in the mirror with disgust at what they see, hoping one day that they can gaze upon their being in any reflective surface and look with amazement at the way they look, with the realisation having settled in that our body is our true lover, the lover who tries so hard to keep us alive even though we plague it with the negative thoughts from our minds, she will always love you, even if it unrequited.

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Jan 5, 2022

Jan 5, 2022 at 5:24 PM UTC

altschmerz

altschmerz. the weariness with the same old issues that you've always had. the same boring flaws and anxieties that you've been gnawing on for years. the 15 year old with the hopefulness in their eyes that one day they won't have to look at themselves in the mirror with disgust at what they see, hoping one day that they can gaze upon their being in any reflective surface and look with amazement at the way they look, with the realisation having settled in that our body is our true lover, the lover who tries so hard to keep us alive even though we plague it with the negative thoughts from our minds, she will always love you, even if it unrequited.

8

sonder. the realisation that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own. sonder. the realisation that i am selfish to think i am the only person in the world who feels lonely, as if i am the chosen one who the world has thrown her worst battles at, as if i am unique in any way, shape or form when there are exact replicas of my being walking around, with their thoughts and hobbies and feelings and emotions and experiences imitating mine.

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Jan 4, 2022

Jan 4, 2022 at 6:19 PM UTC

sonder

sonder. the realisation that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own. sonder. the realisation that i am selfish to think i am the only person in the world who feels lonely, as if i am the chosen one who the world has thrown her worst battles at, as if i am unique in any way, shape or form when there are exact replicas of my being walking around, with their thoughts and hobbies and feelings and emotions and experiences imitating mine.

7

the only word to truly describe me. the most perfect representation of who i am. on the outside i look like a human with regulating emotions but on the inside i am nothing but a ball of numbness. any feeling of happiness, excitement, sadness or anger vanishes almost as quick as it appears. the only one who truly stays is numb. my best friend. this saddened numbness plagues my mind like an infestation, she built a home and refuses to leave without a fight. a fight i have tried to win many of times yet always lose no matter the battle strategy or number of soldiers. my army is no match for numb. numb fights on her own as her mere presence is enough to obliterate me on the battlefield that is my mind. i say she is my best friend but i do not like her. she tricks me into keeping her around by brining comfort along with her. comfort and numb don’t mix well. numb has also tricked comfort. i don’t know what else to do. gather more soldiers or let numb invade.

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Dec 9, 2021

Dec 9, 2021 at 9:38 AM UTC

melancholy

the only word to truly describe me. the most perfect representation of who i am. on the outside i look like a human with regulating emotions but on the inside i am nothing but a ball of numbness. any feeling of happiness, excitement, sadness or anger vanishes almost as quick as it appears. the only one who truly stays is numb. my best friend. this saddened numbness plagues my mind like an infestation, she built a home and refuses to leave without a fight. a fight i have tried to win many of times yet always lose no matter the battle strategy or number of soldiers. my army is no match for numb. numb fights on her own as her mere presence is enough to obliterate me on the battlefield that is my mind. i say she is my best friend but i do not like her. she tricks me into keeping her around by brining comfort along with her. comfort and numb don’t mix well. numb has also tricked comfort. i don’t know what else to do. gather more soldiers or let numb invade.

6

i am a broken soul longing to go home. i feel like a fraud living on this earth. home. my house isn't my home. my real home is somewhere not in this realm. it is a place where my soul no longer feels the coldness of an empty being. the house i am in is this world. this world is a prison cell and i am unable to escape even though the doors are wide open with the keys sitting in my own hand.

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May 19, 2021

May 19, 2021 at 9:48 AM UTC

home

i am a broken soul longing to go home. i feel like a fraud living on this earth. home. my house isn't my home. my real home is somewhere not in this realm. it is a place where my soul no longer feels the coldness of an empty being. the house i am in is this world. this world is a prison cell and i am unable to escape even though the doors are wide open with the keys sitting in my own hand.

7

Dear younger me, The person i am now? you would be so ashamed. A shell of a person, a burnt out flame. Wasted potential, unfinished poems. Crushed dreams, a broken home. A fallen flower, a disturbed mind. To myself, I am so unkind. Dear younger me, you would be so ashamed.

0

Apr 10, 2021

Apr 10, 2021 at 9:20 PM UTC

younger me

Dear younger me, The person i am now? you would be so ashamed. A shell of a person, a burnt out flame. Wasted potential, unfinished poems. Crushed dreams, a broken home. A fallen flower, a disturbed mind. To myself, I am so unkind. Dear younger me, you would be so ashamed.

15