Anxiety is a noose around my heart, duct tape on my lips. It's tears down my cheeks. Anxiety is the best frenemy I've never had or wanted. Yet he is the only constant in my life.
Jul 19, 2016
Jul 19, 2016 at 12:29 PM UTC
What do you do when it feels like everything that you knew, everything that you were used to tumbled down?
What do you do when you want to reach out but your arms refuse to allow you to?
How do you react when you can feel your heart break underneath your chest and no matter how hard you try you can't stop it?
Last words.
What were my last words to you the day that you left? What did my mind decide to allow you to hear from me your last time? It's funny because you hear so many stories about situations like this happening to other schools, to other kids and you never expect it to happen to somebody that you know and then it does and suddenly you can't breathe. How do I breathe again without you here? I'll miss you forever and that scares me because I don't like the feeling of drowning but I suppose I'll have to become accustomed to it now.
(b.c.)
Feb 17, 2016
Feb 17, 2016 at 9:08 PM UTC
One
If I could, I would wrap you up in a box and send you away along with all the feelings I once had for you. I would keep you away, put you in my attic so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.
Two
**** you. **** you for walking around, acting as if I meant something to you.
Three
How dare you? How dare you waste my time? I was good to you. I gave you my all, and yet you had the audacity to spit it back out and tell me you don't love me.
Four
You destructive creature. You destroy everything in your path. You monster. You never loved me. I was your accessory. I was your hype man. My only purpose was to make you look good.
Five
You are a phenomenal liar. You actually had me going when you said that you loved me. You are amazing at making something so fake seem so real.
Six
I have this box in my room. It's filled with all the laughs I shared with you, the I love you's, the late night conversations, the butterflies I felt the day you asked me out. Take it. Because they no longer belong to me.
Seven
You tell me that I've changed. That you miss the old me. What you don't understand is that I lost the old me so long ago that I don't even know who she is anymore. She is out there somewhere. She is wondering. She is lost. She has no home.
Eight
Why would you make me believe that you could be my home?
Nine
I hate you
Ten
but I miss you
Eleven
and I still love you
Twelve
Why don't you love me back?
Thirteen
What did I ever do for you to treat me like this? Take my memories because I don't want them anymore.
Fourteen
If I could, I would cry the memory of you out of my system. I would pick myself up and take myself to the hospital, attach myself to the nearest IV and drug myself up until I forget about the way you kiss me, the way you hug me, until I forget you ever existed. You see, as I am writing this I'm curled up underneath my bed sheets with a white flag sewn to my heart because I have given up. I give up. I surrender. I have nothing left to give to you. You took it all away the day I fell for you. I landed face first. Debris flying everywhere, yet, you selfish monster, you made me pick everything up on my own. You never even attempted to catch me. You never even tried.
(b.c)
Apr 8, 2015
Apr 8, 2015 at 12:24 PM UTC
I am so clueless and I'm crying so much and I'm trying to cry the memory of him out of me and it hurts. Each tear burns because it reminds me that he caused them. All I can imagine is him. All I can see is him. He has clouded every inch of my thoughts and I'm going ******* mad because all I can think about is his hands. Those hands can't touch me anymore. His lips can't kiss me he is no longer mine and I wanna scream. I held onto him so tightly and maybe it was too ******* tight because now he is gone and slipped right through my fingertips. I'm so mad because if I close my eyes hard enough I can imagine him telling me to my face that he doesn't love me anymore and it ****** me off because love isn't supposed to have a ******* expiration date. Love isn't something you can just drop. It can't be forgotten but maybe he can. I'm so upset. I am so ******* upset.
(b.c)
Mar 21, 2015
Mar 21, 2015 at 10:06 AM UTC
Whenever we text, I have decided to stop typing the phrase "I love you" because it hurts too much when you don't send it back.
(b.c)
Sep 18, 2014
Sep 18, 2014 at 10:01 PM UTC
To the boy that sits next to me in English class.
I adore everything about you.
I adore the way you wish you were taller, even though I personally think you are the perfect height.
I adore your hands, how they are so large compared to mine.
You, my friend, are a true piece of art.
A beautiful creation of light skin, light brown hair, long eyelashes that adorn your beautiful blue eyes, and dark pink lips.
I would not mind sitting down and studying you for hours with my eyes and hands.
I would not mind experiencing the foreign feel of your skin underneath my fingertips.
I would not mind exploring every inch of your body.
I don't believe there is such a thing as perfection, but if somehow perfection did exist, you would be pretty **** close.
I want to discover what makes you smile.
I want to memorize your laugh and store it in my mind, so I can bring it out and listen to it on a bad day.
I want your hand prints to be imprinted on my body, the smell of your cologne on the shirt you like best on me.
I want to study you until I memorize the way that every hair falls, until I memorize your heart beat.
Give me the feeling of your arms wrapped around me.
This is my only desire.
You know, I hate you for making me think these thoughts and experience these emotions.
I hate you and I freaking adore you, but you will never adore me because of her.
And when I sit in my bed alone at night, wishing that I could experience the treasure that is you, you're sharing your laugh with her.
You're sharing your smile with her.
I bet she doesn't even admire the way that your laugh is so loud and melodic like I would.
I bet she doesn't appreciate the fact that you have grazed your fingertips upon her ever so gently.
I bet she doesn't admire your lips.
How they are this beautiful shade of dark pink.
She probably doesn't cherish the moments that her head lays upon your chest as you embrace each other like I would.
She doesn't admire you like the beautiful work of art that you are.
(b.c.)
Sep 4, 2014
Sep 4, 2014 at 1:35 AM UTC
Today my mother asked me if I was depressed. She proceeded to explain to me that she was worried because I never left my room and I just looked sad all the time. As she was explaining to me her reasoning, I thought about the way I've been feeling. How it felt as if everyday I was walking on quicksand. How it was getting harder and harder for me not to cry. How I would be constantly fighting an internal battle.
"Stay in bed, darling. Stay in bed."
"No I can't I have school today"
"Don't eat that. You're not worthy enough to eat"
"But I'm hungry I haven't eaten in 6 hours"
"Don't call your friends they don't care and they all hate you anyways"
"But I'm lonely"
I am constantly screaming at myself.
I am constantly fighting a battle that I feel hopeless in.
It's getting harder and harder to breathe everyday and it *****
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Pretending has become a habit of mine.
I don't enjoy lying to myself and others.
Every once in a while I tend to break into my parents liquor drawer because I like the feeling I get when I sip *****
It makes me feel light and airy, and for just a couple of hours, it makes me forget how much I hate myself.
I don't feel time passing by anymore.
I don't know the difference between night and day because everything is just a big blur.
I've lost all feelings and emotions except sadness.
"Are you depressed?" My mother asks me.
"No."
(b.c.)
Aug 29, 2014
Aug 29, 2014 at 8:27 PM UTC
IT'S ALRIGHT, I UNDERSTAND. WHO WOULD CHOOSE A SIMPLE STAR WHEN THEY COULD OWN THE SUN? WHO WOULD CHOOSE A SINGLE LETTER WHEN YOU COULD OWN A NOVEL? WHO WOULD CHOOSE A GUST OF WIND IF YOU COULD OWN A TORNADO? I GET IT. I GET IT. I GET IT. I WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO EVERYTHING SHE IS.
Aug 25, 2014
Aug 25, 2014 at 9:35 PM UTC
You will always end up hurt.
I do not care how strong physically and mentally you are,
there will always be tears shed and hearts broken.
Because you cannot do something so physically intimate and
expect it to not be mentally intimate.
That is like jumping off a cliff and hoping you don't fall.
You cannot make pretend love.
You cannot look at someone and see them as an object.
For they are not an object, they are human
Someone will fall, and they will fall hard.
They will spend their time praying that each kiss is real.
They will pray that its more than just physical.
They will pray that rough touches and loud moans are more than lust.
They will spend their time hoping and praying
that you will see them as more than a quick distraction,
but, darling, this is not a fairytale.
They will not fall for you all because you kissed them differently.
They will not see you in a different light.
For this started as physical and it will stay physical.
(b.c)
Jul 13, 2014
Jul 13, 2014 at 5:35 PM UTC
I remember the first time I saw you.
You had this light gray shirt on and
your dark brown hair was styled to the side.
You wanna know a secret?
Gray looks exquisite on you.
You have these dark brown eyes and freckles that adorn your cheeks.
You know, I never even knew that I liked freckles until I met you.
I remember the first time I talked to you.
You're voice was the right kind of deep.
It wasn't too high or too deep. It was just perfect.
I remember the first time I hugged you.
Your long arms wrapped around my small figure,
and for those few seconds, everything felt complete.
I remember the first time you called me pretty.
For just a second, in that moment in time, I actually believed it.
Jul 3, 2014
Jul 3, 2014 at 2:00 PM UTC