Spring, March:
I am the happiest I have ever been
There are no birds where I live but I swear I hear them in the morning
I do not put on any masks today
My smiles are the curves my muscles have formed themselves
My senses are greeted by the smell of the earth after its affair with the rain
The fragrance of freshly cut grass and flowers newly welcomed into this world enter my soul
And for some reason, it feels like it decided to root itself inside me and call it home
I am growing a garden inside of me
And I know I’ve said this last year,
But I can feel it in my soul,
This is gonna be my year
Summer, July:
It’s been a while since I’ve truly felt the sun embrace me in a million kisses
Don’t get me wrong,
It never failed to greet me in the morning
But today, today was different
It arose to wake me up for my destiny
As if waiting expectantly and surely for the moment I am to shine brighter than itself
And for some reason, I feel it too
The heat does not bother me
The sweat on my forehead assures me that I am doing hard work
Fall, October:
It’s a bit chillier than expected
I can feel a light breeze enter my spine
The same way I would when entering a haunted house in a theme park
Or the moments I’d get a text saying “we should talk”
It feels like something bad is about to happen
But my mom always told me never to worry about the what ifs that could possibly never happen
Winter, December:
My feet have sank into the inches thick of snow
I swear I am trying my hardest but I just can’t seem to lift them up to move faster
Or move any step forward at all
I look back and all I see is snow
I have forgotten where I came from as well as where I am heading
Wait, no, I remember
Wait, no, let me get my feet out of this snow first
Wait, what
Winter, January:
I am freezing
And I am cold
I am still stuck
I am still waiting
But now, I’m lost
I haven’t moved in so long that I have forgotten the smell of flowers in March and how it felt when the sun showered me with kisses in July
Or maybe it was all just a dream
Maybe I was meant for only here
Winter, February:
But no
I remind myself that winter only comes and stays for three months
Every month after is not just a dream
It is all reality
And I am only tasting the cold
But maybe experiencing the crisp winter air is what I needed to appreciate the fragrant ones that is up ahead
Darling,
The seasons will come and the seasons will change
But who you are and what you’re capable of was never dependent on the breeze that filled the earth
You may have forgotten where you’ve come from
Or maybe even doubting where you are to go
Your feet may be stuck
But remember that the ice is bound to melt in a month or so
You are a warrior in training
So don’t give up before the real fight
Learn to make snowangels
And enjoy the rest
Sip some hot coco and bundle up
There is a reason for every season
And you might not see it yet
But hope that is seen is not hope at all
Every season has its purpose
But seasons do not define you
Remember that God is control
The same God that filled your lungs with the aromas of daisies in April
And allowed the sun to embrace you in June
Is the same God who is with you in the winter
And you might feel like He’s far away
But honey, He’s just preparing your flowers for March
Do not settle for single stemmed half bloomed roses
When your Father is preparing you an entire garden
The waiting may make you restless
But sometimes rest is what we need
So hold your head up and get ready for the thawing
Do not let three months define what happens in a year
Remember, there are four seasons that come annually
Do you not remember what comes after the cold?
Spring, March:
The ice have all melted
And I can see the roads again
Dear self,
March will always come
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 2:01 AM UTC
Take twos are for the brave
Not for the fainthearted or proud
There is patience in hugging a cycle
Unsure of and if there is much to add
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 1:56 AM UTC
If I could be anything for forever,
I’d be all my little dreams
Waiting, growing, and hopefully crashing
To reach that one point in which I am
Or possibly could be
Oct 8, 2018
Oct 8, 2018 at 1:55 AM UTC
This one’s for us who were never chosen—or at least forgot how that felt like
Who tried to their best to get anyone to say “yes, I’ll stay”, “yes, I’ll fight”, “yes, I choose you”
Even if it’s just for today
Or even if it’s just for a minute
I’ll take it
Because I have been craving to be someone’s exception for so long
I have transformed my house into a rehabilitation center for broken people
Who eventually tried to break me too
And now I come home to this hollow space in between my ribs
Because they drained every last drop of love I could possibly give
The funny thing is that I thought they’d fill it with theirs
But I guess they believed that we live in a world where it’s such a rare commodity that all you should ever do is take
And so I learned a lesson, and I let my heart run on temporary “I love you’s” which I take from anyone who passes by regardless of intention
And I am always deceived into thinking that maybe this one would stay
That maybe I could make this one stay
So we make up a million justifications for their doing the bare minimum which they say is their best
We magnify affection with uncertain motivations only to disregard the latter qualification
And so we’re surprised when all their words return empty
And all they leave are stained sheets and apologies
Which are really just code for broken hearts and tired lungs
Because we’ve been running a race for two which was said to be just for you
This one’s for us who have forgotten but have been chosen by the One who matters most
Who says, “Beloved, I have chosen you 2,000 years ago and I’d do it again.
I’d choose you and I still am choosing you over and over
Through your faults and your pride
And your hundred “I’ll try’s”
I know that tomorrow you’ll betray me after saying sorry tonight,
And so I’ll take as many lashes as the times you’d turn your back
You might not be the best but you are worth the fight.”
And so He stretched and raised His hands so we could raise ours a little higher
So we don’t have to guess what the standard of love is because He displayed it using His hands as paper
He didn’t just choose you once but did so a hundred million times
And for every single moment we forget
We can look down on our palms and see how whole they still are
Feel the smoothness of your back and see the absence of scars that should’ve reminded us of our wrongs
So no matter how loud the noise gets,
Take a moment to hear His voice in the silence which reminds
That you can stop giving a piece of yourself to those who are just passing by
The love He gives is not one of barter but a gift wrapped in the very cloth He was buried in
The stained sheets He will make new
The apologies you will never hear again because every word He utters shall meet you full
Beloved, we have always been an exception
His favorite creation
The ones who no matter how far, He pursued
Who ran for two in the race designed only for you
So this one’s for us—the one’s who were given the best so we never have to settle
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 11:18 PM UTC
When he leaves, there will be a lump in your throat
His footsteps will be louder than it’s supposed to be
You will watch him walk away and you will want to run after him and try to make it work
But don’t
His prints will leave marks like how it would on an ocean kissed shore
You will cry, or maybe not, but you will be able to think of nothing else but the fact that it ended
The entire two years you’ve spent together will flash before your tightly shut eyes and you will beg to fall asleep but couldn’t
Like that time you drank 3 cups of coffee, 2 kopikos, and 1 booster C
Your body will refuse to shut down, you will feel your heart beat towards its death, and you will wait in pain because there is nothing else you can do
You will wake up, look in the mirror and see every single thing that is supposedly wrong with you
Call your friends up, invite them over
Melt into their arms, cry and eat at the same time, do not be afraid to look broken, because you are
Even birds break their wings, it’s okay to not fly for a while
After a few days, weeks, months, you will pat yourself at the back and say you’ve moved on
Your lips will learn how to curve itself upward again and you will make the corniest of jokes
A song will play and the tape that plastered your world back together will surrender to the weight of your heart
Your eyes will shimmer but this time not from the light within
But from the fluorescent lamps that bounced from your tear glossed eyes that is trying its best to just get through the night
Life will teach you a new lesson and it is that moving on isn’t linear
It is not like going through school, where every grade you surpass advances you to the next
There will be days that you will regress
Days where you will stalk him on Facebook and see if he’s doing any better
And it will seem like he is and that will break you more
You will doubt if your love was ever real, if you were ever good enough, and if yes, why couldn’t it just be you?
If he calls,
Say hi
Do not tell him when you’re not okay
He is not home anymore
Do not tell him you miss him
Like it was a rewind button for life
It is not
You will look for affirmation everywhere, anywhere really
But like all wounds, it will heal
It will leave a mark and you will put fences up
Make sure to pound them in real deep
Not to isolate yourself from the world, but to keep the weak out
Plant flowers around it and take a walk regularly
You are not a prisoner of your past
Feel the pain and ask it how it is
Don’t ever wish for the same love
But love harder
Because sometimes, people don’t know how to
Show them
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 11:11 PM UTC
Let’s cut to the chase this is a piece about how he left
I sat down and told myself I should start with retellings of scenes you’d see in movies
But I’m not like him
I refuse to captivate you with flowery words only to realize they’ve wilted from the moment they bent out of my lips
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I wish he was like the others
Those who sat me down and told me it was over
Or sent me a text saying “We need to talk”
But no, he, he took his time leaving
Like he would always do every time he’d walk me home
He’d stop on sidewalks and point out the smallest things that would mystify him
Just so I’d forget he’d be leaving in the end
He left while holding my hand
His grip just enough to not let go but not tight enough to want to keep
Like receipts you’d hold on to while looking for a place to throw it in
He left with ok’s
Do you want to eat? Ok.
Let’s visit a museum today! – Ok.
Whatever. Goodnight. Just leave. – Ok.
I hate you – Ok.
I love you – Ok.
He said it too much, I’ve forgotten how his voice sounded saying anything else
He left with “You don’t understand”
Which was funny because he never really tried to let me
Like how my dad would tell me to go inside my room because “grown ups” had to talk
He left with silence and eyes that never met mine
He left a long time ago
With his body right next to mine
His fingers touching the veins that ran at the back of my hand
He left a long time ago
No one just wanted to say it out loud
Because no one ever wants to be the villain of the story
So, I, I let go
I pushed him out the door because someone had to do it
He’d been standing right in front of it for so long, like a student waiting to be given a hall pass I guess that’s what Catholic school taught him,
To never leave without asking permission
So, here it is
Love,
I have always tried to keep you
But let’s face it, you always wanted to leave
You just didn’t want it to be your fault
So, I’ll let it be mine
You can go tell your friends about your heartbreak now
Sep 11, 2018
Sep 11, 2018 at 11:06 PM UTC
Love is pausing movies to explain what's happening
It is retelling all 7 episodes of Star Wars without hesitation
Love is following you around after a fight at 10 in the evening to make sure you're safe
It is a smug face that says "Sorry, babe. I guess you're stuck with me."
Love is uncomfortable sacrifices you won't take back
It is looking when they're unaware and thinking to yourself "It's all worth it."
Love is fighting over the aux cord but letting the other one win anyway
It is hugs from the back that don't really help you walk any better but makes you feel safer than you've ever been
Love is saying sorry even when it hurts your pride
It is knowing that pride, in the first place, means nothing
It has no place in love
Love is saying "We'll be okay" even after all the words thrown like darts is aimed at a spot named you and never misses
It is having faith
It is knowing with complete certainty, that love is not just a word that when not said means an absence
That through the tears and the pain, it is like flowers that will certainly bloom
It is the sun covered by gloomy clouds
It will clear
And it will shine brighter than ever
I hope you stay long enough to see it do
Feb 8, 2017
Feb 8, 2017 at 9:33 AM UTC
Minsan **** itinanong sa akin kung ilan na ang aking minahal
Na tila ba ang bilang na pilit ibinubunyag ang parehong bilang na ibabawas sa kabuuan ng aking pagsinta
Mahal, okay lang; ikaw ay aking naiintindihan
Alam ko kung paano ang paulit-ulit na pananakit at pagkabigo sa digmaan ng pag-ibig ay walang iniwan kung ‘di abo ng pag-aalinlangan at pagkukumpara sa mga bagong kasintahang ipinalit sayo
Alam ko ang lasa ng pait na sumasalubong sa iyo sa bawat paghinga
Kung kaya’t nung iyong tinanong ay walang magawa kung hindi ika’y pagmasdan Titigan ang bakanteng mga matang wala nang mailuluha
Mga kamay na pagod na kabubuhat
Mga labi na wala nang ibang alam bigkasin kung hindi “patawad”kahit hindi alam kung para saan
Wala akong magawa kung hindi ika’y pagmasdan
Dahil alam kong hindi mo na naririnig ang anumang salita maliban kung ito’y “paalam”
Kaya hayaan **** ipadaan ko na lamang sa pagyakap ng hangin at pagbati ng mga bituin ang mga katagang isinusuka ng iyong mga tainga
Kasi mahal, mahal kita
At hindi ako titigil hanggang sa makita mo ang parehong taong tinatawag kong akin Hayaan **** punan ng umuumapaw kong pag-ibig ang natuyong lawa ng iyong pagmamahal
Pagmasdan mo kung paano pagsasama-samahin ng araw-araw na aking pagyakap ang pira-piraso **** puso na nagkalat
At alam kong pagod ka na kahihintay sa mga tunay na bagay kung kaya’t pinipili mo na lamang ang mga “pwede na”
Pero andito na ako,
At mahal, pangako, tapos na ang pag-aabang
Hindi lahat ng nagsasabing mahal kita ay nagsisinungaling
Minsan **** itinanong sa akin kung ilan na ang aking minahal Tinanong kita kung ilan na ang nanakit sayo
Sabi mo, isa
At saka binanggit ang sariling pangalan sabay sabi “tapos na”
Jul 23, 2016
Jul 23, 2016 at 3:25 PM UTC
The first time I was ever made aware that something might just be wrong was after I watched the third movie that said so
I’ll let you in on a little secret
You see, Daddy never read to me
He never volunteered and I never asked because I didn’t know that I should have
He gave me books to read with my own eyes
And now, I ask why
But all I have are maybes
Maybe it was because he didn’t want me to hear happy endings from a man’s mouth
To believe that men are the givers and dictators of life’s ends
Maybe it was because he was never a fan of “the ends”, that if he was ever to tell me something at the end of the night, it would be “I love you” and not “goodbye”
Or maybe he knew me too well to know that I’d believe anything he said and those stories were not his messages, not the lessons he wanted to teach
I’ll let you in on a little secret
You see, Daddy never read to me
But every night, he would tuck me in and call me princess
So that I don’t have to wish to be like Cinderella or Belle and know that I already am one
He gave me books to read with my own eyes
And each were of a different genre
So, everyday, I would run and tell him that I wanted to be something different: a spy, a humble turtle, a Hardy Boy, a girl who could talk to animals
And each time he would laugh and say “You’ll find something new to be tomorrow, Princess”
Nineteen years later and here I am,
A poet, a dancer, an almost okay singer, an aspiring lawyer, and the future President of the Philippines (please vote for me one day)—none of which my father ever told me to be
Not decided by whether or not a prince came and said this was me
There’s a reason why story books are read before you sleep
Maybe it’s to help you dream of the next thing you can be
But also know that story books do not tell you who you are
You see, Daddy never read to me
But I never doubted if he loved me enough
Because I saw my Daddy slay the dragons himself and let me go to find myself
He would always remind me of who I will always be, but he let me decide what else there is for me
Jul 23, 2016
Jul 23, 2016 at 3:22 PM UTC
Ang unang pahina:
Para sa kauna-unahang nilalang na mabubuo sa aking sinapupunan
Sinasabi ko na sayo ngayon pa lang na ika’y aking papangalanang “tao”
Dahil alam kong dadating ang panahon na iyong susubukang alamin ang kahulugan ng itinatawag sa iyo
At nais ko na sa iyong paghahanap ay iyong maungkat ang balde-baldeng mga salitang nakalimutan na ng ating lipunan
Sabay nating tutuklasin kung sino ka nga ba sa isang mundong mapangdikta
Na sa bawat pagsabi ng “Magpakalalaki ka nga!”
Alam mo na upang maging isa ay kailangan **** maging tao muna
At sa unang araw na ika’y magpapaiyak ng sinuman sa ngalan ng “pagiging lalaki”,
Ay sisimulan ko ang pag-uukit ng mga linya sa iyong mga palad
Upang sa tuwing padadapuin ang kamay sa sinuman sa ngalan ng karahasan ay una kang masasaktan
Anak,
Gusto kong malaman mo na kahit di ko pa alam kung ano ang iyong paboritong kulay
Alam ko na ang nasa kaibuturan mo
Dahil tulad ko, ika’y isa rin lamang nilalang
Pupunuin ko ang kwarto mo ng libu-libong salamin
Dahil alam kong darating ang panahon na bubulungan ka ng kung anu-anong mga korporasyon na nagsasabing ika’y kulang pa
Kinukutsya ang bawat aspeto ng katawan **** di sakto sa kanilang imahe sayo
At nais ko na sa iyong pagising at pag-uwi ay di matatakasan ang tignan ang sarili sa salamin
Umaasang maaalala ang ipinangalan sa iyo ng nanay **** nakatayo rito ngayon
Tao,
Isang araw ay itatapon kita sa mundo
Hindi iiwan pero hahayaang mamili para sa sarili
Tandaan ang pangalan mo at unawain na hindi lahat ng likha ng tao ay tama
Balikan mo ako sa iyong unang galos.
Jul 23, 2016
Jul 23, 2016 at 3:20 PM UTC