I felt…nothing. My limbs were almost like static, I couldn’t move my arms or my legs, twist my head, lift my chin. It wasn’t that I couldn't but rather, I wouldn’t. It felt as if time was frozen and as I stared at my hands I wondered how long I could sit here and watch myself without moving. It would be a comfortable eternity to sit and stare, feel weightless and fixed in my spot. No cares, responsibility or anywhere to be, at least no regard for them. Anytime I tried to focus on one thing, the sound of static in my head grew louder, like when I was just a child and the old, dinosaur television with the huge back attached, would emit that static when there was no channel station. It was hell and yet almost content like living in a conscious limbo where there were endless opportunities to take any sort of action. Yet, jaw clenched, hands twitching, aching to make a move, were denying themselves the very pleasure. The desire to make any sort of action drowned out by the white noise dominating over any sense of will. The questions directed towards me only powered the surge of static within my bones and my mind.
-
I can hear him. The words he’s saying. And keeps repeating. But I cannot, will not, bring myself to answer.
“Are you okay?” He asks.
My head shakes side to side.
“Are you coming to bed with me?”
Another shake of the head.
There’s silence.
The more he asks those questions, the tighter my jaw sets and my teeth gradually sink into my tongue.
He sets forward now and my gaze locks onto him. I will him to understand the look in my eyes to stay away but he does the exact opposite. He sits next to me and my teeth are grinding together, praying he doesn’t touch me. That he doesn’t look at me with the soft eyes that match his voice when he repeats the question, “Are you okay?”
A single tear sliding down my cheek is the only response. I don’t move. I don’t want to. My body is screaming don’t touch me but his soft voice, the warmth of him right next to me. More tears fall.
He puts his hand on my shoulder and the sobs become audible. The breathe I was holding, gone.
I can hear myself screaming like I’m in the other room listening, like I’m not within my body for the process. Deep sobs wrack through my body and gibberish spews from my lips as I gasp for air. My arms feel numb and I don’t remember putting them on my face but here they are, just like the arms wrapped around me I didn’t notice until now, squeezing tighter as if they’re trying to get every single drop of this out of me. It feels like minutes but it could have easily been an hour. There is no sense of anything but trying to expel the breathe from my lungs that come out as screams and gurgled coughing. There are some words I can make out through the whimpering and I can’t tell which is which. “No.” “Why?” They’re caught in the gasps for air. Sensed in the drawn out screams that slowly melt into incomprehensible sobs.
If he had just kept his hands to himself this wouldn’t have happened.
But that’s the first clear thought I’ve been able to make up all night. The smallest part of me sighs in relief, comforted that I’m not completely lost to oblivion.
I can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or not. At least some sense of semblance has returned to formulate some words into a clear thought.
She’s gone.
She let herself slip away in the sliver of a moment. When they stepped out of the room just for a glass of water and to check on her elderly mother. I guess she thought it would be easier that way, or rather choose in that instance, to let go.
That was her moment.
And this is mine. For her.
Nov 30, 2018
Nov 30, 2018 at 2:09 AM UTC
Sometimes i wonder what I did to deserve the life I have
And to have you be a part of it...
...And I wonder how bad it is
For all those people who sadly relate to this
When my interpretation of this is happiness with you beyond measure
It’s crazy to think about which perspective people are taking this from and how different it can be from yours
Sep 10, 2018
Sep 10, 2018 at 4:45 PM UTC
For the longest time I always felt that love was a feeling and not a choice. That once the good and euphoric feelings were gone that was it. But it's a choice, love is being with someone even when they annoy the hell out of you. When there's nothing better to do but sit at home and stare at each other.
Love is choosing to stay with someone through thick and thin. I choose to love you, care for you, be there for you in good and bad, all of it. I choose to spend my life with you and enjoy all good and push past all the bad, together.
Jul 18, 2017
Jul 18, 2017 at 5:36 AM UTC
"The century I've grown up in is not the one I was born in"™
"My mind is a realm of its own existence" ™
______________________________________
These are not poems but rather quotes deemed quite brilliant by myself and it could be the lack of sleep and being awake at 2:30AM talking, but these are my favourites.
Jul 18, 2017
Jul 18, 2017 at 5:33 AM UTC
Baby you and me
are perfect as can be
Like birds in a tree
or fish in the sea
Without you by my side
would be like Superman without kryptonite
You fit me better
than my favorite sweater
And write the sweetest love notes in a letter
You make me so happy, can't you see?
Come to me so we can be
Together forever never apart
maybe in distance, but never in heart
Because the feelings I have are true for you
If you were here than I could show you
That you are my world it's plain as can be
You are mine, and I am yours
Forever and ever babe, and even more
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 12:54 AM UTC
I don't mean to be selfish
but I need you at night
To keep me
from getting trapped in my own thoughts
Your voice is the only thing
that keeps the monsters away
Your the light
in the dark recesses of my mind
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 12:51 AM UTC
I like to be left alone sometimes
But I get lonely
Sometimes it's a good thing for me to think
But too much time alone is bad for me
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 12:49 AM UTC
I'm just a doll come to life
Only activated when people come to me
I am a blank canvas ready to be painted
By conversations and events of the day
I am a mindless soul wandering throughout life
Turning on when people need me or want me.
I am not an individual,merely stitches of multiples put together as one: ideas, personality, tendencies, not original but not cliche.
Who I am is pieces of different persons seen together in different colors and taste of personalities.
I am only made of others but none of myself personally. Each person is their own to be what they choose
But I am only a canvas a thought of their muse
I only self activate on the blue moon
For I am only made from recycled blues
Oct 8, 2016
Oct 8, 2016 at 3:08 PM UTC
I don't know if what we have is a
Fairy tale
Happily ever after
But it feels right
Definite; solid
I've learned that love:
Isn't always heart racing
Sweaty palms
Thinking about them 24/7.
It's when they **** you off
Look ridiculous
Your both having a bad day
Things are routine and boring
Nothing is going right
One of you is sick
Your too busy to hang out
And yet
They still cross your mind
and an involuntary smile crosses your lips
It feels right even when your not always sure
You want to make it work
You want to spark it back up
There is effort and mutual respect
And playful fun times
And being serious when you need to be
Picking the other up when they fall down
Being there through ugly and pretty times
Love is never giving up even when you think you finally should.
It's a choice
A commitment
Mutual effort
A friendship, but
more than that
Not every day has to be the honeymoon phase
So long as there is
Mutual want
Care
Happiness
There is something good there
Jun 6, 2016
Jun 6, 2016 at 4:00 PM UTC