the real truth is
i want to feel
i want to cry
the real truth is
i am lone
but surround by friends I'd die for
it used to be so neat, so nuclear
now it's hard to see clear
i am a bundle of habits
of sins, of needs
your favorite culprit
i should go
so i can be good
i should go
but not forever
(god no)
i need to try
i need to cry
Dec 10, 2021
Dec 10, 2021 at 9:31 PM UTC
I saw you
As you stared at me
Two deers caught in each other headlights
As brief as a flash, blinked, and you’d miss it
I am only reminded of my heaviness when you are there
Standing – Floating – Watching
As ghostly as any ghost, then
Gone – Vanished – Nothing
I am alone, again, cursed to remain here
I tried to follow in your footsteps
Untangling, unknotting, unravelling
Myself from a generation of debt and duty
These twisted roots of familiar obligations
How did you escape such a similar situation?
I wasn’t born light, like you.
I was born heavy, brother.
I will have to earn my lightness.
Sometimes on rainy days
when the weighty pain becomes unmanageable
I find myself slipping into the tangible delusion
Of ascribing meaning to everything
That maybe you think of me as much as I think of you
That you see my pain and want to help
But it’s just too much for you right now
When you’re ready, you’ll come back to me
You’ll come back.
Sometimes the little lies we tell ourselves
Can be enough to get us through this life
But not tonight.
Dec 2, 2021
Dec 2, 2021 at 8:47 PM UTC
On one of my daily walks
I spotted a little daffodil – perfect and yellow.
I didn’t realize that the season had changed.
Been so busy just trying to survive,
I didn’t notice that it was Spring.
Looking at that little daffodil,
My thoughts went to you - as they do.
And made me feel a little less alone.
Sometimes it is the smallest of things,
That keeps you going, keeps you alive.
As sure as the daffodils are to bloom.
I am sure I will see you again soon.
Until I can safely say hello,
I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Every time I see some yellow.
Feb 11, 2021
Feb 11, 2021 at 12:31 PM UTC
I felt awkward accepting your love at first.
I didn’t quite know how to handle it nor what to do with it.
It was more than the little kernels I normally got.
So, I let you love me.
Like letting in rays of sunshine
Warm my insides.
How could I ignore a love so pure?
Who am I to be picky when I shall die in a car crash any day now?
I’ve shied away from loving long enough.
If I can’t stop the sun shining, then I won’t stop you loving me.
May 10, 2020
May 10, 2020 at 3:42 PM UTC
I haven't figured out how to be alone and not lonely
Only wishing I could go back to how it was before
But there are more things on my mind
There are more things to do
I haven't figured out how to do it on my own
Just me and a homegrown sadness
That keeps me company with
Those late night cigarettes and cold coffee
Staring out at windows starry-eyed at nothing
Mar 14, 2019
Mar 14, 2019 at 2:37 PM UTC
Let me have this one moment before you go.
Let me hold on to it before it will slip through my fingers.
All I have are these moments we shared.
They stay fresh on my mind,
The way our flesh entwined.
For once, lost in idleness.
Soon, the moment will lose its sharpness.
As time fades the memory made.
Until all that remains is a fleeting feeling.
A bittersweet leftover of a lover's emotions
shared with another.
Aug 7, 2018
Aug 7, 2018 at 1:30 PM UTC
It's a thousand tiny cuts that you receive
From the moment you're born
Waiting for someone to tell you that you are beautiful.
You yearn to stay youthful
You've learned the indisputable fact.
Your inherent value as a person
Reduced to your physical appearance
And given a numerical value online
For what is a selfie without it likes?
This is enough to make anyone cynical
Because everyone is the enemy
Like buskers on a busy street
All are competing for the attention
Of the passing indifferent crowds
All singing to be seen, to be known
Even just for one fleeting moment
It is a strange but primary emotion of the human condition
Decreed at birth to need validation
And this foundation is firmly instilled in us.
We never learn to fuss about it, as society reminds us
That there is nothing to discuss.
Sign up and accept the terms and conditions.
Show yourself to the world.
Nothing beats the sensation of adoration.
Even now, right now, I am showing myself to you.
So tell me I'm pretty, world.
Tell me I matter.
Tell me I exist.
Jul 24, 2018
Jul 24, 2018 at 11:45 PM UTC
There comes that moment of sudden awareness
When you raise your head and see the bigger picture
See the links between everything in your life
And make the connection that makes the most sense to you
My connection will be different to yours
Some will see undeniable proof that the Earth is flat.
Others will see a plan of salvation lay out for them.
It does not matter about absolute Truths.
Chasing such is absurd
Because if no one can see it
Nor perceive it
Then does it really exist?
All people see are their own truths instead
Ascribing meaning to the Chaos
That's the 'real connection between us all
The interconnectness of all things lay in the connections we all make
We are all bending reality ever so slightly to fit the narrative we have crafted for ourselves
Telling ourselves stories to make sense of everything - and we all have stories
I will not seek solutions by a judicious study of the discernable reality, looking for The Truth.
I will act and create my own reality
Until eventually, everything connects.
May 16, 2018
May 16, 2018 at 2:47 PM UTC
The first kiss was nice.
I was suddenly reminded of all the fun we had.
I felt my heart swell with old memories
Of dancing in your room at night
Or laying in the afternoon sun.
The time I melted into you
And you said you loved me.
That first kiss was nice.
Then you kissed me again.
I recalled how it ended.
The hurt and pain of the separation.
The feeling of not being want,
Of not being good enough.
My heart shriveled up as it remembered the heartache.
The second kiss was not nice.
May 16, 2018
May 16, 2018 at 2:33 PM UTC
Stop the car now.
Sing to me.
While no one is watching.
I want to hear you.
Here before we go further.
A song of the hills.
And of the now.
I want to know you.
I want to be known by you.
Apr 26, 2018
Apr 26, 2018 at 10:55 AM UTC