I want to stop
I swear i will
I’ll put down the fork and spoon and I will be still
Leave me alone
Let me heal
But every time you try, you see, it’s not just food I steal
I steal happiness and memories and sleep
I steal all the smiles full of teeth and money you cant keep
Because we spent it all on hospital trips wondering why I cant eat
And they’ll give me medicine
And then the cycle will begin again
——-
When I was 16 I finally was fit
I could run and jump and sing until I made myself sick
It’s fine during the daytime when you see me standing tall
But at night i’d crumple and i’s fall
You don’t know what I hid inside my walls
Because I hid happineiss and memories and sleep
I hid all the smiles full of teeth and money we couldent keep
Because we spent it all on hospital trips
Wondering why I can’t eat
And they’d give me medicine
And the cycle would begin again
————-
Now im almost 22 and I’ve destroyed my home
Muscles turn limp and my heart is stone cold
I only feel happiness with a mouth full of food
I know this cant be the life I choose
And i bit off more than I can chew
Maybe my lifes better without you
Because you aren’t happiness and memories and sleep
You aren’t smiles full of teeth but you gave me money that I still need
Because you aren’t perfect so why should I be
And i’ll take my medicine
But I won’t come home again
Because home isn’t giving in
And I’m so much more then when i eat
Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 2:04 AM UTC
I got a twitch in my nose
Just can keep still
Because you'll never know
That I love you for real
It's cute when we say it
But it's more than that
It's the feeling of taking a leap
Knowing it might be a step back
Don't know how you'll react...
But I love you
The whole you
The person in and out
Who's crooked smile
is the only thing I think about
And even when your mouth
droops down into a frown
I want to be the one to help you through
Whatever it is you need to do
to make you smile again
But will "more than a friend"
make you frown?
Nov 4, 2019
Nov 4, 2019 at 12:08 AM UTC
Deep dive
No jump is ever too high
Don’t really care if I die
Can’t be worse than all my insides
Jumping
Up and down on my Boxspring
Hit the ceiling now I’m flailing
On the floor my blood is spilling
Deep breath
Get your cell and call an ambulance
Better yet hit up my therapist
Whosever willing to take care of this
Nov 3, 2019
Nov 3, 2019 at 11:50 PM UTC
Want to invest my time
But it seems like a waste
People melt like cough drops
Gone, but I still got the taste
Nov 3, 2019
Nov 3, 2019 at 11:43 PM UTC
One foot
Two foot
One foot back
Walking down the isle for the wrong occasion
Take my place in line in the precession
Until now you were holding it together
I'm next in line-- eyes lock on eachother
Face to face and I can mutter
is "I'm sorry about your father".
Break down in front of the alter
Time is still as we cling to one another
The same church we grew up in together
Familiar yet strange to remember
When the world's to big for you
split it down the middle
We can bear this load
Together we'll see it through
Oct 28, 2019
Oct 28, 2019 at 8:58 PM UTC
A rose is sweet
But Rosé is sweeter
Got me a bottle
When the world's a little bitter
Pour me a glass
or 2
or 3
I got nobody,
No place I gotta be
It goes
down
down
down
into the pit
I dig
down
down
down
until I'm buried underneath all my ****
...
This
sweet
sweet
sweet
Oblivion
I'm a
sweet
sweet
sweet
sweet
Contradiction
...
Hey Mr. Sun, how are you
Haven't seen you in a month or 2
or 3
or 4
I'm fine, give me more
One bottles' just a bottle until I hit the floor
Oct 28, 2019
Oct 28, 2019 at 7:29 PM UTC
Do you ever want to down?
Like, just ******* drown.
Maybe someone could hold me down
It feels good to drown
I am forced to make the bad decisions
like there was no option for good
I know it's self sabatoge
But man it feels good
You see,
The effort is the stressor
So hold me down
Please hold me down
I don't want to think right now
Because if you don't hold me down
I'll swim
For how long?
-don't know.
Where?
-don't know.
Will I make it?
Will anyone care?
If I try to swim and don't make it, will anyone care?
Or
--wait---
I mean ridicule.
Will they ridicule me?
See,
That's why I need you.
Because it's all on you.
It's not my fault if I drown
If your hand pushes me down
I'll think about the stars I'll never see
I wouldn't see them regaurdless
Blacked out reality is quite easy
Swishing dreams in my mouth is easy
...
But if your arm gets tired
And I'm too hard to sink
Maybe we could swim together?
Sep 6, 2019
Sep 6, 2019 at 12:56 AM UTC
Dear Room,
You have been pink
You have been blue
And yellow, then pink again
I even drew Whinnie the poo
And now you're white
With one wall blue
And I have loved 15 years with you
Soon another little girl may burst in
With different color to choose
But I will always remember
That you were me, and I was you
Sep 6, 2019
Sep 6, 2019 at 12:30 AM UTC
I was dead
Every kiss, from the beginning: empty
Nothingness
It was easy to feel nothing
Nothing was nothing
or maybe it was him...
Dead
The lies were rotting his insides
Plastic encasing his face
Or maybe it was me...
Pushing and pulling my weights on my ankles
They were toys, not chains.
And he didn't like that.
...
Maybe it was us...
Maybe we killed each other
Grinding each other into dust
Into nothingness
I wished I pulled away
but I so badly wanted to feel
So I kept forcing the gears to grind
I wanted to feel what my thoughts were screaming
"This boy is a God-send!"
Maybe that's why I buried my bible...
My spirits were slashed
I had rather we decay together
Than to loose faith in feeling
But faith isn't fact
because on paper we were vile
We needed to burn our book
...so I did
My insides caught flame
but I remember is the glow of the embers
The story distorts as new anecdotes are cached
All that pain for more numb nothingness.
My faith was placed wrong pile
I relished in the the absence
but the body that desperately wanted to feel
Was telling me from the start...
No flame
No spark
No love
Just blind faith
in numb nothingness.
Jul 17, 2019
Jul 17, 2019 at 10:24 PM UTC
Sometimes it hard to see
Though the foggy land we walk
Sometimes its hard to know
There's support among the talk
Chatter blurs my head with things unsaid
Should I have even tried at all?
There's only one way to know
I guess I need to fall
When it gets dark, it gets easier
Not knowing who's around
Their candle light burns in my eyes
No peace of mind as I hit the ground
I know they've tried
And opened up their eyes
But mine don't seem to work
I just want to try to get there
Without getting hurt.
Todays the day, is always the day
But somehow it's still tomorrow
"One foot in front of the other"
Is just talk among my sorrow
No one can do it for me
I'm lost and scared and cold and lonely
But the worst sound of all is my own voice
Making promises continuously
Feb 12, 2019
Feb 12, 2019 at 10:04 PM UTC