SOMETIMES WHEN LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES
MY MIND BEGINS TO WANDER
REPLAYING PAST EVENTS, QUESTIONING PAST DECISIONS
IF I'M LEFT TOO LONG ON MY OWN
DEVOID OF HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP
MY MIND SLOWLY DISINTERGRATES
AND THE WALLS I'VE BUILT AROUND ME COME CRASHING DOWN
SENSING MY VUNERABLE STATE
THE VULTURES START CIRCLING
AND THEN COMES THE WAIT, WITH BREATHES ABATED
CRUMBLING BRICK UPON CRUMBLING BRICK
UNTIL THE LAST STONE FALLS
THEN LIKE STARVED WOLVES THEY POUNCE
ANXIETY SINKS IT'S CLAWS INTO MY FLESH
INFUSING MY BLOOD WITH PANIC
THIS BLOOD-BORNE DISEASE MANIFESTS IN EMBARRASSMENT
TURNING INTO ANGER
BUT IN THE WORST CASE SCENARIO
WHOLE BODY SPASMS EVOLVE
INTO WINDPIPE CRUSHING HEART PALPITATIONS
PUBLIC APPEARANCES ARE NOT ADVISED DURING THIS TIME
Jul 31, 2019
Jul 31, 2019 at 5:13 AM UTC
Whenever I think of putting pen to paper
Intangible thoughts into words
And translating the foreign tongue of my heart
My body starts to shake, my cold blood begins to boil
And tears fill my eyes, but they refuse to flow
Explaining depression is like trying to conquer writers block
Unfortunately, I suffer from both
To my parents, I’m just stressed
To my siblings it’s typical me
And to my friends, it’s taking a joke too far
My mother says she doesn’t understand
Depression doesn’t exist in her culture, but patriarchy does
So, I smile and say it’s nothing, but the ***** in me rears her ugly head and screams
‘Look at me, don’t you recognise the face you wake up to everyday
The feelings you were taught to stomp out and ground down for your husband’s morning coffee
I am you…’
But the coward in me smothers these silent pleas
My father is more eloquent than my mother
He brandishes words as if they were swords
But throws them like poison daggers, twice as deadly
So, he twists and mangles my words, skewering my perception
The heart’s silent screams turning into never ending tears, turning into rivers of blood
I tell him how much I despise him and how I wish I were dead
But one look at my mother’s stricken face, her warning glare,
Reduces my courage into ash and I degrade myself further with an apology
My siblings are a confusing, unpredictable bunch
My brothers don’t know what’s going on, but they understand
How I envy their innocence and ignorance
My older sisters are more complicated
One is my rock, the only thing keeping me from ending it all
She says she’s been here before, that I need to be strong and that she understands
But that only makes me feel guilty for never being there for her
She’s leaving home soon and all I can think is ‘What about me?’
Our eldest sister is a nassistic sociopath
She thinks she’s helping…
Now I don’t have many ‘friends’, but I do have a Best Friend
When I tell her that I’m depressed, she doesn’t ask me why
On most days, she’s my polar opposite, the Yin to my Yang
She’s as skinny as I am fat, loves horror movies which I hate
She can’t stand anime, this is her only flaw
But on some days our stars align
And it’s eerie how much our life experiences mirror each other
To my other friends I just laugh everything off
As if curing this emptiness was as easy as getting over a broken heart
May 29, 2019
May 29, 2019 at 7:33 AM UTC
I've got a confession to make
I know it wasn't my place
But the gun found in my possession I had to take
No choice, but my fears to face
Now the ************* lie dead in the sun
And bake!
❤️❤️❤️❤️
It's double or nothing
In trouble for something
Cause I'm high on sprite
And flyer than a kite
Nov 17, 2018
Nov 17, 2018 at 1:07 PM UTC
When I say I’m afraid of loving you
What I mean is I’m afraid of loving anyone
You are not the problem
I’m the broken one
With a bruised, twisted, knurled muscle
I barely recognise as my heart
How can I expect you to love me
When I can’t love myself
Nov 17, 2018
Nov 17, 2018 at 12:54 PM UTC
The things I’d like to do to you
Or more specifically
The things I’d like you to do to me
Up against the wall
Spread out on a table
A bed, yours or my mines
Any surface will do
As long as I get you, all of you
I won’t complain
I want it rough and fast
Or sweet and slow
Scratch that
On second thought the nastier the better
Run your fingers through my hair
Grip it firmly and bite my neck
I’ll run my nails against your back
Claws sinking into skin
We engulfed by wild passion
There is screaming and yelling
Nibbling and biting
I’m not sure who is loudest
But as we pound into each other into oblivion
I really don’t care
It hurts but you like it and that is what makes it so good
Nov 17, 2018
Nov 17, 2018 at 12:47 PM UTC