Why do I long for what ive never had? Why am I constantly recalling "memories" of which I have never been a part of?
How can these memories feel so real? I was never there, but I can feel like I was. I can smell the breeze, feel as though the blades of grass are gently brushing my palms, feel the light gracing my skin.
How can I insert my being into these obscure false memories of comfort? Even if these memories seem traumatizing, even if they seem confusing, I still yearn to be in them.
Why do I find comfort in the unsettling? Somehow my breath can feel so heavy, yet my mind rests easy. Something that can hurt so bad, can be so healing to me.
Empty space feels so welcoming. My bones are cold, yet I feel so warm.
The embrace of people who dont even exist. The embrace of people who arent even people. It rivals anything that anyone in this world has ever made me feel.
Sep 6, 2022
Sep 6, 2022 at 9:00 PM UTC
I'm constantly changing. I'm constantly trying to conform to what everyone wants from me. I feel like I only exist for others, that I only live for others. I'm told that im friends with everyone, yet I feel like a friend of everyone is a friend of no one.
Its tiring work to change for every new face. To be what they like, to be what they want. I just want them to smile. I want to make people smile, because of me. I want them to feel like they have a friend in me, even if I don't have a friend in myself.
I change how I act and I change how I look. I change my hobbies, my interests, my life story, everything. Everything to make someone happy.
I want everyone to like me, regardless of if I like myself
Sep 6, 2022
Sep 6, 2022 at 8:45 PM UTC
why do I always need to be told what to do? I've been asked this more times than I can possibly count. I always respond with a shrug, stating that I'm simply just indecisive.
I mean, what else could possibly be the cause?
it couldn't possibly be from the nights when my face was flushed red and my eyes were pouring. The nights where the skin on my face burned and stung from the salt, where my face was frozen in an expression of fear and...disgust?
was I disgusted by them?
no, silly.
I was disgusted by myself.
I was shaking, from what I have no clue, and I shouldn't assume the cause.
But how could someone whose touch was once warm and comforting, now feel so mind-numbingly cold? how could this place which used to be a safe space, now have me in constant fear?
How could a promise made to me at birth, be shattered so easily? I was told I lost their trust. I was told I wasn't good enough. I was told that they wished I had never come into their lives. And I listened. Because they're right. I'm not good enough. I never will be.
The nights where I would sit with my back to the wall, screaming silently at myself. I would curse myself, for how I was always letting people down How I could never shut up and listen, and that was the reason I was always wrong.
Countless nights spent wishing that I wasn't myself.
But- of course, this couldn't be the cause. after all, he told me to stop assuming.
Sep 6, 2022
Sep 6, 2022 at 8:36 PM UTC
what is emotion?
I feel as though I should know. I feel like out of everyone, I should know...right?
If I don't know what emotion is, then what are these things constantly filling my brain, choking my conscience, intoxicating my mind with these wretched feelings? Yet when I am asked "how I feel", I can never answer. I dont know how I feel. I don't know if I want to know.
A small part of me wants to remain oblivious. A small part of me wants to ignore everything that my mind is clouded with. I wish I knew, but I wish I didn't.
I shouldn't feel this confused, I shouldn't wonder if my smiles are real, or if my tears are true. I shouldn't get upset when someone asks if I need help. I shouldn't be jealous of something I never had.
Maybe my expectations are too high. But- then why do I feel like im asking the bare minimum?
I don't want to bother people, but at the same time, I want them to be bothered by me. I want them to be concerned. I want them to be there for me, yet I wish they would just leave me already.
Sep 6, 2022
Sep 6, 2022 at 8:17 PM UTC
All you do is make everything worse
Before you, I was much happier
Could you be any dumber
Disappear already
Even your family hated you
Failing is the only thing you do
Go ahead and think you are wanted
Hating you is just common sense to me
I wish that you were never even born
Just another deplorable accident
Killing yourself would be best
Love isn't given to everyone
Maybe it's mere genetics
Nobody loves you
Obnoxious personality
People feel pity for you
Quit acting so immature
Running won't fix anything
So sad that you trust everyone
Thinking that you'll ever be happy
Under-achieving is your talent
Vile excuse for a person
Why are you so ugly
Xenodochial idiot
You're the worst
Zero purpose
Mar 25, 2021
Mar 25, 2021 at 11:59 PM UTC
Dreams are your mind's way of giving you advice.
It's your choice whether or not to take it.
Mar 25, 2021
Mar 25, 2021 at 2:19 PM UTC
A stone bench with glass bead mosaics portrays the image of a perfect spring afternoon. Sun is shining down, but not with blaring heat.
Birds chirping, butterflies soaring through the air, and sounds of distant laughter.
Remenants of the morning dew sparkle like diamonds.
A small brown book with yellowed pages and a tattered leather cover.
Words stamped into the cover have sadly become illegible.
A smooth blissful voice reads tales from the old book.
Every Saturday, at 2:00 pm, I would sit on that stone bench.
No matter the weather, her stories, her smile, her voice, her love, would always warm my heart.
I still sit down on that bench at 2:00 every Saturday, just waiting to feel that warmth again.
Mar 23, 2021
Mar 23, 2021 at 3:55 PM UTC
Addison decided to take the long way home, through the forest. She ran into Xia punching a tree in anger. She saw Addison. She turned to her. “Stay away from me you ****** Xia said as she stepped back. “Oh, do I scare you?”, Addison said in a smug voice. “You don’t scare me!”, Xia said, straightening her posture. “Oh ok.”, Addison said in a sarcastic tone. “I bet I'm way more powerful than you! My magic element is one of the strongest ones there is.”, Xia said proudly. “And what is that, the element of insecurities?”, Addison said. “That's it, newbie! I challenge you to a battle! No wands. Just our own magic.”, Xia shouted. “Why would I waste my energy on you?”, Addison replied. “Oh, looks like somebody’s scared”, Xia snarked. “Fine. Only to shut you up.”, Addison said.
They walked to the restored training course. Addison dropped her wand and Xia did too. Xia shot a fireball towards Addison. Addison dodged it with ease. “Fainfol Istium!”, she said. “What’s that suppo-”, Xia started before she fell to the ground. “Somebody needs a nap.”, Addison said. She put her bag on her shoulder and started walking home.
When she opened the door, Gemma squeezed her. “How was your day? Was it ok? Did you make friends? What did you do? Did you learn anything new? Did you get in trouble?”, Gemma said quickly. “C-cant...b-breathe”, Addison said between gasps for air. “Oh. Sorry, sorry”, Gemma apologized. Addison coughed then took a deep breath. “My day was actually not that bad. But I'm going to my room to take an eternal nap.”, Addison said as she wobbled up the stairs.
Mar 23, 2021
Mar 23, 2021 at 2:56 PM UTC
Do you have no shame?
Not even a little common sense.
Cover yourself up. Show some decency.
Must you have such insolence?
Truly disgraceful behavior.
Everyone can see right through your clothes.
And right through you.
Mar 5, 2021
Mar 5, 2021 at 1:42 PM UTC
When they sat in her office, Tallora turned to Addison. “Miss Zodine. This is not the type of behavior we tolerate here at Trinity Academy. I order you to bring back Xia this instant!”, Tallora said. Addison sighed and recited the spell. “Amere Invictis Elovar”. Xia re-appeared in the office, with leaves in her reddish-brown hair. “Are you alright?”, Principal Tallora asked her. “No! This freak put me in a tree in the schoolyard!”, Xia said, furious. “Oh, I'm sorry...I meant to send you to a tree in the forbidden forest. Looks like my magic calibration is a bit off today.”, Addison remarked. “That is enough! You two young ladies are to apologize to Xia and then report to detention after school!”, Principal Tallora ordered. Leah was too afraid to defend herself, so she just put her head down in defeat. “Wait! Don’t punish her! I was the one who hexed Xia. Leah didn’t do anything.”, Addison said. “And why should I listen to you?”, Tallora asked. “I’ll go in for detention tomorrow and today.”, Addison said. “And, you’ll help with repairs to the training course.”, Tallora said. “Ok. Deal.”, Addison agreed.
When they walked out of her office, Xia rushed in the other direction. “Guess she won’t be bothering you for while”, Addison chuckled. “You know, You didn’t have to do that for me.”, Leah said in a quiet voice. “I didn’t have to. I wanted to.”, Addison replied. “But now you have to help repair the training course. There’s a lot of repairs to do.”, Leah said, concerned. “Oh, I'm not worried about that. I have to get to class. See ya later!”, Addison said as she walked to class.
After school, Addison was told to report to the training course. She walked onto
grass and heard a crunch. She looked down to see patches of singed grass and the trees were burnt. One of the janitors walked up to her. His face was covered in ash. “Animal keeping had a mishap with one of the dragons. Cut any burnt plants'', he said as he handed her hedge clippers. “They’re all burnt”, Addison said. “Wow, we have ourselves a genius here.”, he said sarcastically. Addison looked at all the work she had to do. She set down the hedge clippers. She pulled out her wand and said, “Revivaline Restoris”. The ash blew off the plants and the grass turned a bright green. The tree’s branches grew lush green foliage. The janitors just stood there in shock. Addison dusted herself off. “Are we done here? Ok, bye then.”, she said as she walked away.
Mar 2, 2021
Mar 2, 2021 at 11:14 AM UTC