I write for me, don't care what you believe.
Don't care if you read this or not, I've achieved
a level of thought you can not imagine.
The raven expresses what I am dispatching.
I don't do this for fame, don't care about cash.
I write what I feel, I don't want to hold back.
For this kind of work we all know the returns.
No money in hand, just food for the worms.
The pain in my soul remains my dictator.
He lashes me daily, it's my motivator.
He keeps me on edge while I work every day.
Looking over my shoulder, expecting the hate.
I put pain to the page to teach him a lesson.
But he's got a habit of leaving me stressing.
He beats me on days when I wanna give in.
And he laughs in my face whenever he wins.
I sit in my car and I listen to beats,
no I'm not a showoff, just trying to be me.
It's my therapy, please, I don't need your attention.
My issues are mine, not for your entertainment.
I live on the edge of a sharp ****** knife.
One side spirals low, the other flies high.
The blade in the middle keeps me normalized.
And pain, he reminds me that I'm still alive.
Alive but not living, but that's gonna change.
Cause I'm searching my soul for the name of this pain.
He hides his name well behind my disorders.
I'm forced to confront them, reach over the borders.
I'm borderline crazy and I'm ready to steal
back the dictatorship, put pain under my heel.
I'll beat him someday til he wants to give in.
And I'll laugh in his face when I finally win.
Feb 23, 2021
Feb 23, 2021 at 8:02 AM UTC
My mind's on a roll, just want you to know.
I'm high on this high feeling burning my soul.
My head in the clouds, you seeing me now?
I'm up on this pedestal looking around.
Burning my cash, driving too fast.
Watching you struggle with me makes me laugh.
I'm feeling ok, no I don't want you to stay.
I'm seeing you ghost me so I walk away.
Rain in my skies telling me lies.
Telling me I need to sit here and cry.
Feeling defeated, my words were conceited.
I wish the things that I said could be deleted.
I am in pain. I'm feeling insane.
Only the scars of my actions remain.
I'm spiraling low, just want you to know
I drown in the depths of the well of my soul.
I'm high then I'm low, just a vicious cycle.
I chase it each day as I try to feel normal.
I feel ripped in two, both sides have been cut loose.
Up then back down, this cycle's my noose.
I'm back up again, wasn't part of my plan.
I'm trying to cope with it the best that I can.
It's the end of the light, I'll be restless tonight,
til tomorrow returns to bring back the same fight.
Feb 22, 2021
Feb 22, 2021 at 11:10 PM UTC
Naked and curled, I lay there dejected.
Steam in my face, all thought is infected
with rivers of blood down the drain, I'm affected.
Suicide thoughts in my head are infective.
Head on my knees, lost in my own perspective.
Hot water beats down on my back, I've neglected
these thoughts for too long, they rise up and object. It
takes no time at all to feel disconnected.
Walking the halls, I feel too connected
to beats in my ears, my tears, I reject them.
I look down the stairwell, I just want to end it.
The things that I feel most days go undected.
I just want to let go, I feel too rejected
by anything good and I'm overprotective
of my broken pieces that create my perspective.
Takes no time at all to feel disconected...
Feb 22, 2021
Feb 22, 2021 at 10:47 PM UTC
I choke on the words tht fill up my head.
Panic it rises to step on my neck,
to hold back the things that need to be said.
Things I should speak, but end up writing instead.
Questions I know that I must vocalize.
Like bile inside, determined to rise.
Choking them down, I internalize,
convincing myself of my own stupid lies.
Delusional, dysfuctional, sick in the soul.
Unstable, unable to ever be whole.
Broken and beaten, my minds on a roll,
to bury any light in a dank empty hole.
Lost to an endless beautiful ache,
distressed by the shattered void left in my wake.
Pieces of hope that are blackened by pain.
Never again shall I truly be sane.
There's beauty in darkness, or so I've been told.
But the darkness in me that has taken it's hold
is ugly and toxic, burns down to the bone.
It creeps up the veins, a disease ridden mold.
These pitiful lies serve in a special way.
They keep hidden everything that I should say.
Hide and seek is their favorite game.
Hiding me is the ultimate play.
This is my choice to make up these things.
To excuse myself from chasing my dreams,
or proving my truth by facing the seams
that make up the corpse of all that is me.
Stitches to show that I'm not at all perfect.
Facing that truth for you should be worth it.
Choosing to speak, to face you in person,
might just be salvation for the me that I torment.
Feb 22, 2021
Feb 22, 2021 at 10:18 PM UTC
Under the witching moon, she chants the ancient song.
Singing to the twilight sky to bring a lover home.
A maiden fair had come to her desparate in her plea.
Longing for her gentle lad, who seeks his fortune out at sea.
"Bring him home!", she said, "To fill my heart and warm my bed."
With eyes glowing, a firebright, the witch woman spoke into the night.
"Caution, dear." In somber tone, echoing in the deeping wood.
"Pure, the love you have must be for this magick to do any good.
Should any other kind prevail, obsession will give way to greed.
Selfish desire turns passion to madness that will forever control the head."
"You have my word, this love is true." tears in the maid's sapphire eyes.
With one last word the spell was done and cast off into distant skies.
She watched as the maiden fair disappeared into the mist,
and looked down at a familiar face that arched and gave a reproachful hiss.
"I tried my best." The witch woman shrugged winking at her lover moon.
For she knew full well the lover's fate would begin with the rising sun.
A watery bed awaited the maid, her blood on the hands of the gentle lad.
For pure a love must always be if using magic to force fate's hand.
Into the darken woods the witching woman wandered on.
Shedding robes she tipped her hat, to dance bare under the witching moon.
Oct 9, 2020
Oct 9, 2020 at 7:22 PM UTC
I talked and you listened....
leaving your fingerprint smudges
on the pages of my soul.
Those pages erased as you
pushed me out of the door.
Choosing instead the lonliness
of your darkess and fear of what could be.
You left me blank, unwritten.
With only a title remaining.
I must now pick up the pen
and rewrite myself.
I must brave the ink stains that
will bleed into me....
I will be the author of a new
version of my soul.
How will I know the right words?
They will come as all do for this
wordsmith of emotion.
Through pain and heartache,
my tears black as night.
But I will not succumb to the
darkness like you did.
Though my words stained in
inky black, my story will be life.
You made me want to feel for the
first time... in that single breath.
But I'll make myself want to feel for a lifetime.
Oct 8, 2020
Oct 8, 2020 at 9:51 PM UTC
Everytime I'd say I'm odd,
you'd say I'm not.
When I'd say I'm weird,
you'd tell me otherwise.
I'd tell you I'm crazy,
you'd always contradict.
You said you liked listening,
but you never really heard me.
Those were not insults
borne of self doubt.
They were praises of the highest order.
Born of a desire to live free
from the small minded.
To fill my heart with all of the
things normal fears.
I know you chose normal,
it's a safe place to hide.
That false claim...
it will trip you in the end.
Oct 8, 2020
Oct 8, 2020 at 9:38 PM UTC
I don't need to protect this heart I am.
Courage instead is my shield.
The courage to be vulnerable.
No matter how many times I am beat down.
No matter how many times friendships die,
or I cry in my car at a certain song.
To love and lose, and still be able to love again.
To laugh at nothing and cry at everything.
To rage at the sun for shining sometimes.
To be unabashedly me in every way.
It's about time I became that heart on the outside...
Don't ya think?
Oct 8, 2020
Oct 8, 2020 at 9:21 PM UTC
Reprimanded.
Unable to contain the mess.
Of life. Of space. Of mind.
Mentally worn from consternation.
A parent's words harsh in truth.
Harsher still in lack of perceptivity.
Stunted in youth.
Emotionally... creatively.
A broken daughter.
Insufficient.
Too much of this and that.
Not enough of what's wanted.
Still incompetant.
A broken mother, lover, friend.....
Not enough of what's desired.
Too much in personality.
In emotion.
In sensitivity.
Too much of oneself.
Is change necessary to be mended?
Or is this mind irreparable...
this heart unlovable....
this self undesirable?
Is it too late.....
or am I just finally beginning?
Jul 16, 2020
Jul 16, 2020 at 11:54 AM UTC
Little hands reaching out.
Wanting what? A cuddle?
A mindset bent on keeping busy.
Sweet hands, pushed away.
Another time.
Boisterous voices.
Questioning, always questioning.
Bright eyes, excited smile.
Too much. Too loud. Too many questions.
Beautiful voices silenced.
Another time.
Defective? Unworthy? Unable?
Love is so deep, but the mindset locks it in.
Chained by what?
Turning away. Another is desired. Wanted.
Little hands reach for the spare.
Sweet voices cry when taken away.
The unworthy desires to be more.
To be better.
But emotions locked, shut down.
Trauma from the past?
An insufficient upbringing?
Defective?
Thoughts for another time......
Jul 14, 2020
Jul 14, 2020 at 6:24 PM UTC