I found my problem.
I want to wait for love
because I've been traumatized.
The one time I came close
I was blind sided.
All the little things in life add up as I keep them inside.
I realize why I was mad at him.
He gave my number to another guy.
But that's how the first round began.
I start talking to them everyday,
innocent enough.
But having someone to talk to is enough.
i grow dependent on that listening ear,
on the one that is there when no one seems to be.
When he gave out my number it provided an opportunity to fall again.
But this one is worse
and he isn't afraid to hide it.
Help me save me from myself
before I fall again
before I break again.
Oct 18, 2015
Oct 18, 2015 at 6:13 PM UTC
Little did I know what waited beneath the surface,
The molten lava that boiled underneath my skin.
At the first threatening move I burst.
I lashed out,
burning,
causing irreversible damage.
I was full of rage,
What caused me to erupt shouldn't have,
there were just so many things
all little but none big enough,
until the scale was tipped.
I can never take back what I said
and I can never repair the damage done.
Maybe if he forgives me,
I can eventually learn to forgive myself.
Oct 18, 2015
Oct 18, 2015 at 5:44 PM UTC
There is a dagger
in my side
I don't know who put it there
but everyday it gets knocked in a little deeper
I think i might have placed the dagger
with my want to be accepted
But i am not the one forcing it farther
I know people don't mean to
but they are the ones driving it in
Many of them I do not know
but some how it all hurts me
I want to feel wanted
like i am needed
I know that people care
but i am blind enough to not see
I have convinced myself into thinking things
I do not believe
I placed the dagger in a spot, subconsciously
But it will slowly **** me
I just want people to see me
to want me
to treasure me
to not be able to continue without me
Even things as simple as the number of people who read my poems
when people listen to my words
Because of this dagger the little things hurt
every comment or silent stare
every look and every whisper
I want people to need me
just as simple as that
But the problem is I have caused too much damage
but i don't let people see
so no one thinks i need it
but i am human and i need help
The things that hurt the most
are the people that i let close
because they hurt the worst
Unknowing they blunder about throwing comments
not knowing the final destination of their words
the impact it creates
the distance it drives the dagger
One of these days
It will be in so far
It is irremovable
hopefully someone will see the pain behind this mask
the mask i don't want to wear
Feb 21, 2015
Feb 21, 2015 at 12:05 AM UTC
On the outside i am cool and collected
I am secure and self-confident
I am mature and encouraging
But what people do not see
the inside of me
The colder parts
the crumbling parts
I am insecure, explosive
I don't let people see
The hurt inside of me
I search daily for acceptance
even though i know none will be found
I want people to see
the inside of me
But no one cares to look
yet i am an open book
but only to those willing to look
willing to pry my pages loose
No one has made it far
they gain my trust
by opening the cover
But by the second line
I am left open
exposed to the cold air
that they had once accompanied
Now i shiver and scream
From even the lightest touch
I have so much to tell
But who ever cared anyways
Feb 10, 2015
Feb 10, 2015 at 8:30 PM UTC
I am so used to reading about love,
You know both sides,
How they both learned to love the other,
I am so used to knowing both thoughts,
but now i am tortured
only knowing one
It scares me
I suddenly went from two sides
down to one
My thoughts run around
not letting me forget,
I have fallen,
fallen hard
I can't get up
It holds me down
The why's
the unknowns
I feel like i am only looking at half the puzzle
with no way to see the other side
Books can tell you
But my life isn't a story
at least not one written down
Feb 10, 2015
Feb 10, 2015 at 8:08 PM UTC
They feel Betrayed
Their Queen,
Their Leader,
left
She complained that the people were rude.
It wasn't her old friends
but the new ones she brought in.
Two girls,
My friend and I,
Joined one other girl
as we entered her domain
She welcomed us with open arms
but then she chose the best
Somehow I slowly slipped out of her equation
I was being dismissed
As I clung on for dear life
I saw it
All her friends,
guys,
were under her control
But she forgot about their free will
As I tried to get back up
She saw them acknowledge me.
When she left on two days of business they turned
They reached down and pulled me up,
They let me stay,
But why?
I didn't see it
I was quiet,
reserved
Never said much
She was cold to me
Why was I still here?
but they embraced me
Her pets wandered away
farther then she wanted them.
On Her return,
She left.
Her kingdom perfect,
She left for something bigger.
She had them all wrapped around her fingers
they were Hers to control.
No one dared to go against her.
The questions she left behind
The "Why's"
went unanswered
A kingdom Queenless
We trudged on
trying to survive
They felt Betrayed.
I felt their accusations
But I swear
I didn't try
A Queen belongs on her throne
Not chasing fame.
She may not have liked me
but is that a reason to knock her down?
I claim innocence
I didn't drive her away!
Is it really my fault?
What did I do?
No I didn't try to decrown
your Queen!
Someone will eventually rise to take her place,
no one will fully fill the hole,
only she could truly fill it.
No I do not want Her throne,
It was never my intention.
Truly we need her back,
What we need is,
Only Ava
Aug 29, 2014
Aug 29, 2014 at 8:47 PM UTC
Lonely, Wandering, Watching,
Yearning for the warmth of a smile,
isolated from dreams,
they wander aimlessly among nothing,
searching for an unseen light,
going the only direction possible,
Forward,
Cloaked in the black of sorrow,
an unforgiving glance freezes the soul,
they yearn for friendship
but are scared of the light,
drifting through time,
they go,
wanting
wishing for more,
like a bee
they follow the wind
like tears of tomorrow
they shift unseen
moving without motion
they scatter at a flicker,
they twitch at a spark,
they move
but are motionless,
they see
but yet are blind,
they hear
but never learn,
they smell
but never recognize,
they taste
but never satisfy.
They wander aimlessly among nothing,
darkness swallows its prey whole.
Aug 29, 2014
Aug 29, 2014 at 7:58 PM UTC
They boil up inside
unable to escape
I want to scream
I want to run
run from my emotions
my feelings
I feel as if I am suppressing them
but the problem is
I have no problems
Everyone writes about
loss
love
death
mourning
That is my problem
I have never
lost
loved
no one has died
or mourned of my own
That is it
I am surrounded
by those screaming for help
those suffering heart ache
but I sit here
thinking thoughts that are not my own
I want to scream
I have this bubble
ready to burst,
I need to tell someone
but what is there to tell...
I have nothing to say,
no confession to make,
no promise to break...
Just an overwhelming hole,
a hole that gets bigger
with every passing moment...
I feel depressed but about what?
There is nothing wrong,
no lover or broken heart,
no loss, death or mourning...
But if so why is there a hole...
Why can I write poems that speak of things beyond me....
I want to scream...
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 4:38 PM UTC
I feel the line
an unseen connection
it pulls me closer
into the unknown
There is an emptiness
in which the line gets wound
the closer I get
the fuller I become
If I step back
away from you
I unravel
the hole grows
Someday I will find you
and you will never leave my side
the longing hole in me
will be gone
all wound up
May 8, 2014
May 8, 2014 at 1:08 PM UTC
Darling Dear,
are the words I want to hear
Come my love,
Are the words I yearn to notice
Hold me, Hug me, Kiss me,
Laught with me, Join Me
these are the words my heart longs to be called
Something Sweet
Something Hidden
Something Free
Something Love
May 6, 2014
May 6, 2014 at 12:05 PM UTC