Today, I learned that when you touched me
My brain was still developing
In its ability to think long-term.
Today, I learned that I have persistent post-traumatic stress,
And that I cannot ever freely speak of what occurred
Without blue and red lights flashing
And slashing
Through your life
And mine.
So today, I felt your fingers again
I heard your breath replace my own
My body is, at most,
an autonomy forgotten
In the violent aftermath of your love.
Today, I hurt a perfect lover,
Who cannot taste the blood you made
Still wasting away, wrought between my hips
I was a young girl but, for you, I cursed the world
Cast myself into exile from those you said
Didn’t love me
Like you did
On that day
On that day
The sun blushed itself away into dusk
And I watched as I washed away
down the drain
The dripping dregs
Of what you’d craved, captured
And completely consumed
From me
Today, I know you willed my worship unto you
Because secrets from God
are worth dying for
when the suffering feels religious
and the pains feel like prayers
and the truth hurts so bad that I can’t
even think about it
alone
at home
with my eyes closed.
When 90 pounds wasn’t enough
And 90 days went by in a blur
And 90% out of the time
My heartrate was 190 beats per minute
What there may be left to say
Is lost to my ebbing hedon’s memory
I let all the shades of you crash away
Evaporate the ocean of
a badly bruised mind
now left with little more
than terrified questions
When my back was pressed against
The paneling,
My soma was reified into
woman
And I threw my arms around your neck
and lost my sobbing to the friction
it burned so hot and sharp
and it smelled like bleach
as you ****** me
as we dangled
in that ****** metal box
You licked away my tears then
When you consumated this pain
for your **********
and I only wanted your embrace when
You licked my tears away
But its
Cold water on an old burn now
Your fingers, drenched in me then
Pried into my porcelain
Your love tasted like pennies and
It’s never left my tongue
Maybe it was your
Reddened thoughts that made you
Beat the color into me
Beat this sadness into me
But that was a long time ago.
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 6:56 PM UTC
The volume **** in your car is broken
but I think you like it that way.
You have your own dial on the wheel so hat
Only you control the severity of your environment,
Being on your own terms.
So I float here, in your vivarium
It'd be best to breathe your air
and bleed your blood
like my own.
Anglerfish love,
If only the fates were reversed
For I love you and also long to be you
How free to be you,
I ensure.
But could I love myself so dearly,
Embody my mother so clearly,
if my soul was not set
in its role-finding ways?
If I could not claim to be as I am,
Healer of the World for the Fascinating.
Oh, you,
my love.
My all-at-once art,
could you adore my vast emptiness
of who I could have been
if not dedicated to this practice of romance in earnest?
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 6:55 PM UTC
I've been saying that a lot recently,
not sure how to stop,
Anyway.
I'm okay
Just a little misplaced
Starting to think its really a
Personal Problem
Who the hell am I,
anymore,
Anyway?
I'm back home and being sober
For a while
Trying my best to figure myself out
Before it's too late and that's all I have left to do.
These thoughts arent shocking
and aren't new
when I cry in the middle of the night
in the middle of my new bathroom
These thoughts are piled up like my ***** laundry that drives you
Away.
Like you, I miss who I was
But how can I give up
again,
anyway?
How much letting go can I do
In my Youth
before all of who I am to the world
is lost
to painful, past potentials?
I am afraid
what's happening
was always inevitable,
anyway.
Because between the situational and unconditional
I don't know where we lie
so now I lie to myself
To feel a whisper of the warmth
to thaw this unrest of loneliness
and melt into my purpose, defined.
Anyway;
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 6:48 PM UTC
The least you could have done
Was show me the sunset
You promised.
Or hug me back
when I wrapped my arms around your neck.
I wished to be held, so badly to be hugged
There was no love against the steel paneling.
There was no tenderness in your hands.
How to speak escaped me
And how to break, how to break, how to break
All at once in the elevator.
Oh, flower! Young thing! Flimsy girl!
Growing pains in November,
I felt them in that grown-up moment.
Life takes what it takes and gives what it gives
And you were a giver
You gave me so much shame.
The least you could have done
Was known better.
You promised
To care for me.
But when your hands melted into me,
I wished to be gone, so badly to be done
There was no love in the air, only bleach
There was no tenderness in your voice.
Only want.
I would have given you my world,
But why did it have to be so scary?
How to heal, how to heal, how to heal.
Torn and bleeding, leaking pains
It hurt.
Will I ever forget?
You were a giver,
You gave me so much pain.
Nov 19, 2019
Nov 19, 2019 at 1:37 PM UTC
Who am I now,
If not the apple of your
sharpest, most erudite eye?
Release from a love isn't easy
when without its life,
you know only to die.
Did I ever make you
feel loved?
Because I swear I did try.
Fire's still fire
No matter how hard I might cry.
Nov 8, 2018
Nov 8, 2018 at 9:44 PM UTC
A harp of a rib cage,
Every second, thrummed
By you.
And my muffled melody plays,
Each note faintly hummed
For you.
Nov 3, 2018
Nov 3, 2018 at 7:19 PM UTC
Soon, I know
you’ll want to go.
I cross my fingers
For time to slow.
But when you’re done
With your goodbyes,
I hope you think of me:
the mayfly flower who was
destined to die.
Nov 3, 2018
Nov 3, 2018 at 7:13 PM UTC
I dreamt of you the other day
I woke up with your scent lingering in the linens, where I laid
And my chest broke all over again, as it does
You could never love me again, love.
My weary heart has since used my body weary too,
And I am briars of what used to be a garden, owned only by you
Aug 12, 2018
Aug 12, 2018 at 1:18 AM UTC
Before,
I did not know what it was to be weary.
I felt the distress of a flower in bloom.
And somehow,
I was flower that knew
I was doomed to die.
And stricken with such a weight,
I compressed myself behind a pane of glass,
And became brittle as I prolonged the death of my purity.
Flat, dry, and faded, but I still hold my shape,
Under the pressure of the glass pane.
Feb 28, 2018
Feb 28, 2018 at 1:14 PM UTC
Shaky hands.
Heart tumbling down to my stomach,
Stop, please, stop
Look at my bleeding gaze,
painfully saturated eyes
my burning tears should burn you now,
Your hands melted and gripped my hair
like concrete wax
you were the wick and I,
I am the charred, melted remains
It shouldn't have hurt so much to love,
but it did,
Oh
It did.
Feb 21, 2018
Feb 21, 2018 at 5:49 PM UTC