Thingsillneversay
27/F/Ontario, Canada
Some days I will post WAY too much. / Sometimes I wont post for weeks. / I only write when I'm feeling things strongly. / I feel everything all at once, / Or I feeling nothing at all. / / I hope there's not a rule for that on here...
I am not a mother
And for that reason,
It wouldn't be fair for me to speak to the frustration you must feel having a child who just couldn't ever get it all together.
I cannot remember the times as a baby where you consoled me without anger.
I cannot fathom that there was a moment in my life where you held me and rocked me to sleep without feeling like I somehow owed you something.
I cannot speak to how many nights you spent awake crying because I kept you awake and all you needed was just a few hours of sleep to keep going.
I cannot recall these things, but I think, I hope, that you were the kind of mother back then, who did it all.
I am not a mother
I do not know the kind of disappointment that having a 29 year old child living at home must bring.
I do not always get things right
I do not always pull my weight and I don't pay your bills and I see the way you clench your fists and sigh everytime I have anything to say back about your demands.
I am far from perfect
I have caused so much pain over the years and believe me I know,
I haven't made loving me very easy.
But I am not YOUR mother.
It is not my job to regulate your emotions.
I am not obligated to take your side in every argument even when I know you are wrong.
Because sometimes, you ARE wrong.
I am your daughter
I have tried my whole life to make you proud, to prove to you I am worthy of your love, even though I am no longer a "child".
Sometimes it works
You give me your love when it's easy.
When I do something you can brag about to your friends.
You love me when it's convenient, for YOU.
Then again, a mother's love isn't supposed to be conditional
The silent treatment only makes me fold further into my own skin.
Your back handed comments about everything I don't do, and how I should be so grateful to have a roof over my head, only breeds more resentment and hurt inside of me.
I know I am lucky
I know that so many other families have it worse and that from the outside looking in, we are this perfect family.
The thing is, no one is perfect, not even you
I never expected you to be a perfect mother, a perfect mother does not exist.
I expected you try.
I expected you to teach me how to love myself before anyone else because I am deserving of it.
I expected you to be there for me when things were falling apart, without judgement, or anger, or guilt.
You never loved yourself either
And my heart hurts to think about the stories of your childhood.
Your own mother could never give you the love you deserved.
But I NEEDED you to break the cycle
I needed you to ask for help.
I needed you to recognize that you have caused a lot of hurt for me too.
I needed you to want to change.
To this day, you've never gotten the treatment you so desperately needed
I'm not saying this to be mean
I'm saying this because none of us are immune to trauma and if it's not dealt with, the cycle continues.
Unfortunately, I am now part of this cycle too
I cannot help but think that if you had only gotten the help you needed when I was younger, I wouldn't need to be the one in treatment for trauma.
I cannot help but wonder what our relationship could have been like today, had you faced your own demons and fought them, like the warrior I know you can be.
But I know,
I am not a mother.
I am under your control.
It is how you like it.
How you need it to be.
I am not a mother.
I am silenced.
Jun 23, 2023
Jun 23, 2023 at 9:27 PM UTC
They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.
So how come it only took me 1 date to fall for you,
3 weeks to love you,
4 words to to shatter my heart
And 21 months to stop wanting you back...
I thought you were my world,
My addiction,
My favourite habit
But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to break the habit of missing you.
-c.m.
Aug 15, 2022
Aug 15, 2022 at 11:45 AM UTC
It's almost been one year now...
Since I last saw your bright eyes and perfect smile, I still smile when I think of you.
It's almost been one year,
Since I felt your warm embrace around me, sometimes when I'm huddled in a cozy blanket, I can almost feel you again.
It's almost been one year,
Since you broke my heart,
I was so sure I'd have forgotten about you by now.
But its almost been one year,
And if I'm being honest, I still miss you like you left me yesterday.
-c.m.
Sep 24, 2021
Sep 24, 2021 at 1:16 PM UTC
Find someone who goes out of their way to make you smile, because seeing you happy, makes them happy too.
Someone who traces your scars as if they are a story, and they aren't afraid to stop reading it.
Someone who knows you're sad when you start posting quotes on your story again, and shows up at your door to give you a hug, because they know that's what you need.
Someone who listens to you like your words are their favourite song and they don't ever want stop listening.
Find someone,
Who treats your precious heart like their favourite treasure, because that's what it is.
Don't you ever settle, because I promise you, someone out there has been waiting to give you the world, don't settle until you find them.
-c.m.
Jul 7, 2021
Jul 7, 2021 at 10:41 AM UTC
It hurts because it matters.
It matters because you care.
You care because you still love them.
You love them but they left you.
They left you because it hurt.
It hurt because they cared.
They cared because they still loved you.
They loved you but then they left you.
And it all hurts. And it all hurts, because it matters.
Jun 27, 2021
Jun 27, 2021 at 11:32 PM UTC
I always thought that I would be broken forever. I couldn't imagine a version of myself that wasn't sad, or lonely or constantly running... from something.
Today, I realized that I've made it.
It's a Friday night,
And I'm spending it alone.
But for once, I don't feel lonely.
I feel at peace.
I feel proud.
I made it out of that darkness.
And now,
I'm here,
Beautifully, unbroken.
-C.M.
Jun 11, 2021
Jun 11, 2021 at 7:56 PM UTC
My mom says,
"You look beautiful today"
She asks "have you lost any weight honey? Here's a salad before you go to work.
You dont want to get fat"
Mom says, life is always easier for skinny girls and that I haven't had it easy so maybe my weight is the problem.
I tell her I'm comfortable.
But as I walk away, I find myself gazing into my bedroom mirror pinching at the fat on my stomach
Wishing it was nothing but paper, because then I could cut it off and maybe then I would be happy and maybe then my mom would think I was good enough.
Mom says, "those leggings aren't flattering on you. And don't you know what people will say about you if you walk around dressed like that? Hide your body. Hide your curves, the world doesn't need to see your fat seeping through those nylon pants. "
I yell back " I don't care what you think! I LIKE THEM"
Mom says "yes you do, I know you do. Now go change and come eat your salad."
I force feed myself a salad for the 5th time this week and change into a baggy sweatshirt and some sweatpants.
I want to believe that I don't care what she thinks but her words feel like bee stings prickling my entire body and no matter how many times they attack, I don't grow numb to them.
I weighed myself today, I lost 5 pounds this week but im starting to feel sick from hunger, I'm light headed.
I head downstairs, the thought of inhaling every carb we have in the kitchen because it's been 2 weeks since ive had one and the cravings are too strong.
Just as I'm about to make some pasta mom comes into the kitchen.
"You look amazing," she says.
"You're so beautiful hunny I'm so proud of you. Wait... is that pasta? What are you doing? If you eat that you'll get fat again. If you're fat you won't be happy. You can't be happy. Put that down. Here's a pill for you hunny"
Take it when you're hungry, it'll take away the cravings and surpress your appetite.
I take the stupid pills that mom seems to think work like magic and I go back up to my room, staring at this body of mine that doesn't feel like mine anymore.
I hate myself.
I hate that I want to eat carbs and I hate that I dream of sugar every night.
I hate that my mom thinks I need a pill to fix who I am, as if I am unlovable when i am not losing weight.
Even as her daughter.
Growing up, we're always taught that our mothers are our protectors...
But I realize now my mother is the reason I never feel like I'm good enough.
I never feel like I'm loveable.
Mother's are suppose to make their daughters feel beautiful and empowered.
I spent my entire childhood on a diet.
To this day, I still hear her voice in my head.
Have a salad honey.
It will be easier if you're skinny.
Change into something else.
I wonder, if this will follow me forever.
If I will always be haunted, by my mother's shame.
I promise though,
If I ever have a daughter,
I will empower her to love herself no matter what.
I will teach her that love isn't based on your waist size and neither is acceptance you can find love at 400 pounds the same way you can at 130 pounds.
I will teach her she is beautiful.
I will make sure that when she grows up, she's not afraid to touch pasta, or have a sweet.
I will teach her, no matter what, SHE IS LOVEABLE. And so are you.. And so am I... I think...
Apr 9, 2021
Apr 9, 2021 at 5:29 PM UTC
You better keep your head up my dear
Do not let them steal that crown,
You've worked so hard and come so far.
Don't let them make you feel like you deserve to be treated unfair.
You were not born in this world,
For others to make you feel small.
You are bright, your energy is so big
And the world needs you to share more of it.
Don't listen to them when they try to dull your sparkle.
Don't believe them when they try to convince you that you will never get better.
Don't let them make you feel like you aren't good enough.
Because my God,
I promise you,
You are so much more than just good.
You are strong,
And wonderful,
And resilient,
You are kind,
And courageous,
You have a beautiful soul.
Anyone who tries to get in your way as you begin to heal and to progress, isn't worth investing a single thought into.
Be proud of yourself,
You've grown
You've endured
And you're still growing.
Be proud of yourself.
You're healing,
and not everyone is going to clap for you,
some people are just bitter.
Clap for yourself and carry on.
Be your own cheerleader!
Keep that head up, adjust your crown and keep walking.
-This is resilience
Feb 24, 2021
Feb 24, 2021 at 9:01 AM UTC
Its not always easy to be patient,
I know
They tell you it gets better
But they don't tell you when
Its not always easy to wake up,
I know
You keep doing it anyways, but sometimes your bed feels like quicksand and you just barely make it out.
Some days, you don't make it out,
I know.
Some days you sink so deep into your sorrows that suddenly you're drowning in an ocean of hopelessness and your bed is the only place safe enough to land.
It's exhausting some days,
I know.
You go to work and you put on a smile even though everything inside you is falling apart, and they don't see,
I know.
You wonder how much longer you can keep pretending things are fine
But they keep saying that things get better
And you want to believe them,
I know
You want to find your way back to the surface, that is a life you're not just surviving, but actually living
I know
I know you want to get better. And I know right now you are struggling and I know that on the days where the only thing you accomplished was simply breathing, you feel like a failure, but hunny you are the exact opposite of that.
You are a fighter.
You are a survivor.
You are braver than anyone will ever know, surviving constant battles clawing at your mind every second of every day.
This does not make you weak my love.
This makes you strong.
I know people keep saying that things get better,
But they never tell you when.
You just have to take it one step at a time.
Pride yourself on accomplishing the little things that don't seem important in the grand scheme of things, but they are the things that are keeping you alive.
One step at a time my love,
One breath, one hour, one morning, one shopping trip, one shower, one day.
Some day, I promise you
All of these little things will eventually lead you back to the light.
Back to being hopeful for tomorrow's.
I know,
Dec 11, 2020
Dec 11, 2020 at 4:15 PM UTC
My final goodbye
Dear ex-boyfriend,
I would say I hope this letter finds you well,
but I know you'll probably never get the chance to read this,
and
even if you did,
at this point, I know you wouldn't care.
I just had some questions for you that play through my mind, especially as the sun sets and my thoughts turn to darkness as the moon comes out to shine its pale light.
I wanted to know why this happened so fast?
We had one conversation and you told me you weren't ready, the next thing I knew it was over and you were gone. Like a ghost you literally vanished from my life without so much as a goodbye.
It destroyed me.
I was so confused,
how can you look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them every day,
and then bolt at the slightest mention of a future together.
Was I just a fool?
Were you only saying those words because you knew it was what I needed to hear to stay and you weren't ready to be alone yet?
Did you ever really love me?
Or was it just that you enjoyed the companionship.
Was it just that you enjoyed the way I loved you?
The way no matter what you did you knew I could never leave and I would still look at you as if you were my king while I later found out I wasn't so much as a peasant to you.
You knew how important close relationships were in my life.
You knew my biggest trigger was losing people I love.
You knew it could be dangerous for my mental health if you walked away, and you did it anyways.
I'm NOT saying I wanted you to stay with me
just so I didn't have to hurt.
The part that is tearing me up inside the most is just that
with knowing all of those things about me,
you still never said a word.
You never asked me if I was okay. You never provided me with closure.
One day I was the person you loved and the next day I was a complete stranger you'd already erased from your life.
It's taken every ounce of strength I have to pull through this heartbreak.
And I really wasn't sure I would survive it this time
because the truth is,
I really never have felt a love like that with anyone else, and so when you walked away
it really did feel like my world
and my life
was over.
But here I am writing you this letter you will never see.
I'm writing this letter,
and then I am letting you go.
You have come back into my life and torn it to pieces 3 times now and I've had enough of the heartache and heartbreak.
The only good thing that has come out of this is
I have learned just how strong
I really am.
I learned that even when I think my life is not worth living
and even if you think
I wasn't good enough,
I just need to keep waking up, and keep going.
Your heart was never big enough to handle the weight of my love
But I know someday,
I will find someone who sees me for all that I am
and loves me more for it.
So thank you,
I guess,
for giving me the chance
to find someone else
who can love me the way I deserve.
This is my final goodbye,
I will not bother you anymore.
I will not call or text your phone desperately awaiting an explanation I will never receive.
I'm writing this letter
and
I'm letting you go.
Once and for all.
Sincerely, your ex
-C.M.
Nov 17, 2020
Nov 17, 2020 at 4:15 PM UTC