ThedominiqueofregressioN

There is a vast open space somewhere out there and there is one in me. It is not sadness, it is not emptiness, anger— **** I can't seem to define it. The harder I try to describe the shape of this mold I am holding, nobody's asking. Therefore, everything accumulated, everything I've learned and come to know has been totally obsolete. Hope is scarce. Daydreaming is dangerous. Carelessness is expensive and God knows he couldn't care less about what has become of everybody. At 31 to this present day I know for a fact that there's nothing more I can add or contribute to the world but to consume. I got so depressed, so fed up with everything one time at work that I let that ******** client know that I wanted to **** myself because I was so sick of everything; not that it had something to do with what he was complaining about but I couldn't process it anymore at the time. The next day, my manager received a lengthy email and the police (Dubai) went to our office to investigate the incident. I got called to step outside with them and was told that I am now considered as a criminal and a threat because it is illegal to want to "unalive" yourself, yes that's the new term. They were doing good cop, bad cop. One says, "in this country it is not allowed this, not allowed that.." The other went ,"go do it back in your country." I wasn't sure which one was good and bad, I didn't bother but they were useful as they helped **** time at work especially it was the busy hours when they came. Then they let me go back to work after filling up some forms and having me sign some papers.

0

Mar 25, 2024

Mar 25, 2024 at 3:28 PM UTC

the perks of wanting to **** yourself

There is a vast open space somewhere out there and there is one in me. It is not sadness, it is not emptiness, anger— **** I can't seem to define it. The harder I try to describe the shape of this mold I am holding, nobody's asking. Therefore, everything accumulated, everything I've learned and come to know has been totally obsolete. Hope is scarce. Daydreaming is dangerous. Carelessness is expensive and God knows he couldn't care less about what has become of everybody. At 31 to this present day I know for a fact that there's nothing more I can add or contribute to the world but to consume. I got so depressed, so fed up with everything one time at work that I let that ******** client know that I wanted to **** myself because I was so sick of everything; not that it had something to do with what he was complaining about but I couldn't process it anymore at the time. The next day, my manager received a lengthy email and the police (Dubai) went to our office to investigate the incident. I got called to step outside with them and was told that I am now considered as a criminal and a threat because it is illegal to want to "unalive" yourself, yes that's the new term. They were doing good cop, bad cop. One says, "in this country it is not allowed this, not allowed that.." The other went ,"go do it back in your country." I wasn't sure which one was good and bad, I didn't bother but they were useful as they helped **** time at work especially it was the busy hours when they came. Then they let me go back to work after filling up some forms and having me sign some papers.

38

When the old got new and the new got old I was judging myself prepared in the mirror and always end up lowering my arms, decide that it's too much to participate I have never once made it on top and I just know it is going to be lame and disappointing don't believe me? Try to remember the few times you worked hard in the dark Try to imagine if everyone are born winners Try to imagine if everyone was neither edgy or oblivious to even raise a finger whether it's red or pink Try to imagine yourself constantly rebutting every reasoning you can come up with before you even execute them and you can't help it It took a lot of tries and hits careful or careless I still drag my fort without describing its current state, shape or form to everyone

0

Sep 30, 2022

Sep 30, 2022 at 3:46 PM UTC

contemplating healthy living

When the old got new and the new got old I was judging myself prepared in the mirror and always end up lowering my arms, decide that it's too much to participate I have never once made it on top and I just know it is going to be lame and disappointing don't believe me? Try to remember the few times you worked hard in the dark Try to imagine if everyone are born winners Try to imagine if everyone was neither edgy or oblivious to even raise a finger whether it's red or pink Try to imagine yourself constantly rebutting every reasoning you can come up with before you even execute them and you can't help it It took a lot of tries and hits careful or careless I still drag my fort without describing its current state, shape or form to everyone

27

I am sitting on my throne, the toilet seat renders me thousands of favorable imaginations where I am the leader of the world. Rich ***** answers to me, top class models lining up to get a taste of my ***** you get the idea. Then a roommate comes knocking in, breaking the free thread. I threw the cigarette on the ground. What can I say? Anything free has its own limitation. I forgot that I've a job to get to. My colleague there isn't as evil as that evil ***** from my previous work. Ahhh.. god and his mysterious ways. I am reminded that by the end of the month that we have to move again because the rent went up like the whole place turned into gold my *** Mom's not happy about my decision to go separate ways. She is either depended in my share of the cut or hopingly she just wants my company since we didn't really have that golden mother and son relationship. I don't even want to know now. Anyhow, there's this thing I've always wanted to open up like a newly purchased book and it's the fact that there are certainly girls I've met in my life who still listens to the songs I've recommended to them. Well, it just stuns me every now and then. Not kidding. I think to myself that I must've made a connection or something that barely exists, something that you rarely witness in a lifetime. I don't know about you but I still think about them whenever they cross my mind during this troubled times. Man.., I really let go of myself, measuring what of me back then and now. It's funny because I think if I was someone I am now back then, then nobody would even waste their time but what do I know about it and the randomness of it all?

0

Jun 14, 2022

Jun 14, 2022 at 3:09 PM UTC

just 1 litre to loosen up. Hope you're doing fine over there. anyway, here's me:

I am sitting on my throne, the toilet seat renders me thousands of favorable imaginations where I am the leader of the world. Rich ***** answers to me, top class models lining up to get a taste of my ***** you get the idea. Then a roommate comes knocking in, breaking the free thread. I threw the cigarette on the ground. What can I say? Anything free has its own limitation. I forgot that I've a job to get to. My colleague there isn't as evil as that evil ***** from my previous work. Ahhh.. god and his mysterious ways. I am reminded that by the end of the month that we have to move again because the rent went up like the whole place turned into gold my *** Mom's not happy about my decision to go separate ways. She is either depended in my share of the cut or hopingly she just wants my company since we didn't really have that golden mother and son relationship. I don't even want to know now. Anyhow, there's this thing I've always wanted to open up like a newly purchased book and it's the fact that there are certainly girls I've met in my life who still listens to the songs I've recommended to them. Well, it just stuns me every now and then. Not kidding. I think to myself that I must've made a connection or something that barely exists, something that you rarely witness in a lifetime. I don't know about you but I still think about them whenever they cross my mind during this troubled times. Man.., I really let go of myself, measuring what of me back then and now. It's funny because I think if I was someone I am now back then, then nobody would even waste their time but what do I know about it and the randomness of it all?

18

I was young. I could walk for miles without getting tired. My thoughts could send me flying elsewhere. I can put holes through a wall with a single punch. I can control others' minds and make them act silly. There were no clocks in my head! I can compete with fast gods or go toe to toe with stronger enemies. All those possibilities. . . and none of these. It's not a mystery to me that I keep having this fantasy to be young again, rewind, nothing in mind; not a single thing to be reminded of. of any specific steps to take in order to make it; all nothing but pure grandiose on the spot. no ******* critics to tell you their boring bigotry because for fuck's sake, all the sake's for our innocent poetry. rhyming is allowed, spacing and misspelling, no viewers, awkward, anxious...cringey. you name it! these things basically, if not, partly make our youth meaningful. deprived of all the terrors of the world and what people say. If given a chance to relive them all I'd do better but maybe, I am just helplessly drifting away again in this coping mechanism. god if this is a theatre, splash an epic ending for me before you close the curtains. I am drunk and I have work tomorrow just like everybody else. Don't feel sorry. I did this to myself. I was careless. Now, I am going to sleep.

0

May 12, 2022

May 12, 2022 at 3:23 PM UTC

wobbling waltz

I was young. I could walk for miles without getting tired. My thoughts could send me flying elsewhere. I can put holes through a wall with a single punch. I can control others' minds and make them act silly. There were no clocks in my head! I can compete with fast gods or go toe to toe with stronger enemies. All those possibilities. . . and none of these. It's not a mystery to me that I keep having this fantasy to be young again, rewind, nothing in mind; not a single thing to be reminded of. of any specific steps to take in order to make it; all nothing but pure grandiose on the spot. no ******* critics to tell you their boring bigotry because for fuck's sake, all the sake's for our innocent poetry. rhyming is allowed, spacing and misspelling, no viewers, awkward, anxious...cringey. you name it! these things basically, if not, partly make our youth meaningful. deprived of all the terrors of the world and what people say. If given a chance to relive them all I'd do better but maybe, I am just helplessly drifting away again in this coping mechanism. god if this is a theatre, splash an epic ending for me before you close the curtains. I am drunk and I have work tomorrow just like everybody else. Don't feel sorry. I did this to myself. I was careless. Now, I am going to sleep.

42

You know, as much as I wanted to be versatile in writing my own poems, there's just no cheating my way on becoming a good poet. I wouldn't be able to artistically write something if I try to think too much on a certain subject but when I try it obviously comes out as some pretentious piece of untrue events and I think I could blame aging for this but I just can't get away with it. Nowadays, there's really nothing much going on, just dull sunlight, lazy afternoons and somber evenings. Tonight I drank a couple of can of beers just to check if something's going to come so whatever's going to be written here could either be just something as random as intentional I intend it to be or as often as it gets; dull. Mentioning it only makes me feel the humidity of the weather and the uncomfortable embrace of insecurity. I always find myself deep choked by this fantasy that keeps lingering in my mind: I let go of myself long ago and I am always afraid to admit that I am going nowhere, heading nowhere, a nobody who wants the spotlight but without really wanting to do anything to achieve any of it. It's a pity pit mud show down here and it stinks, it stinks quietly on my own and the stench of the sorry sobs I don't walk on anymore. I had so many plans in life, one of them was to start some indie band but the people I meet were all rockstars in their own imaginary world like I do. There was no progress at all. One time during college, some of my colleagues read my poems and called them all cliché; a motivation to lay low. It didn't bother me that much because I didn't knew the meaning of the word back then so **** me. Fast forward to today, I am hunted by everything. I can't escape any of this today but it's not a problem, really.

0

Apr 2, 2022

Apr 2, 2022 at 4:16 PM UTC

slouch down nice and lowly

You know, as much as I wanted to be versatile in writing my own poems, there's just no cheating my way on becoming a good poet. I wouldn't be able to artistically write something if I try to think too much on a certain subject but when I try it obviously comes out as some pretentious piece of untrue events and I think I could blame aging for this but I just can't get away with it. Nowadays, there's really nothing much going on, just dull sunlight, lazy afternoons and somber evenings. Tonight I drank a couple of can of beers just to check if something's going to come so whatever's going to be written here could either be just something as random as intentional I intend it to be or as often as it gets; dull. Mentioning it only makes me feel the humidity of the weather and the uncomfortable embrace of insecurity. I always find myself deep choked by this fantasy that keeps lingering in my mind: I let go of myself long ago and I am always afraid to admit that I am going nowhere, heading nowhere, a nobody who wants the spotlight but without really wanting to do anything to achieve any of it. It's a pity pit mud show down here and it stinks, it stinks quietly on my own and the stench of the sorry sobs I don't walk on anymore. I had so many plans in life, one of them was to start some indie band but the people I meet were all rockstars in their own imaginary world like I do. There was no progress at all. One time during college, some of my colleagues read my poems and called them all cliché; a motivation to lay low. It didn't bother me that much because I didn't knew the meaning of the word back then so **** me. Fast forward to today, I am hunted by everything. I can't escape any of this today but it's not a problem, really.

37

I was running out of ideas, not about the ones that could work but the ones that would surely let me live a little in the midst of it all. I am caught between my crazy thoughts and the standard procedures they keep on prescribing to everyone while none of theirs really worked out. Whenever I smoke inside the bathroom, there's this big mirror on the wall with the size of the modern flat TV screens like the one you have in your living room. I see myself in it, deformed, defeated, clueless and occasionally mad about how I couldn't live at any moment; always crawling like a bug while carefully avoiding being stomped by the bigger fellows from the who-knows heavens above. If I was a bird, I'd be aware that my wings are clipped and if I was God, I'll know how to keep my subjects subjugated-fairly. Oh how I destroyed myself with lots of **** in the internet. Other than the self-inflicted pleasure, I confess that it did get me through being completely insane with how fast the world moves, how it forgets that a person can only bear a couple of things all at once though on the other hand it destroys more than it mends. Don't get the wrong idea, I am not alone, physically. I have tried countless approach, methods, ways for whatever the day wants me to shapeshift myself into, just to reach the most fitting, the most becoming form in order to get on the next day while surviving the traps laid by the worries imbued in me by my upbringing. My mouth as well as my mind is all dried up to blame even an innocent rock for all the things I keep running into, therefore I just embrace the spikes, rush to the fall, crash to the wall and intentionally drown while knowing there is no other way to escape any of this but to run mindlessly towards my problems that has different shapes and sizes.

0

Feb 3, 2022

Feb 3, 2022 at 4:17 PM UTC

patch boy

I was running out of ideas, not about the ones that could work but the ones that would surely let me live a little in the midst of it all. I am caught between my crazy thoughts and the standard procedures they keep on prescribing to everyone while none of theirs really worked out. Whenever I smoke inside the bathroom, there's this big mirror on the wall with the size of the modern flat TV screens like the one you have in your living room. I see myself in it, deformed, defeated, clueless and occasionally mad about how I couldn't live at any moment; always crawling like a bug while carefully avoiding being stomped by the bigger fellows from the who-knows heavens above. If I was a bird, I'd be aware that my wings are clipped and if I was God, I'll know how to keep my subjects subjugated-fairly. Oh how I destroyed myself with lots of **** in the internet. Other than the self-inflicted pleasure, I confess that it did get me through being completely insane with how fast the world moves, how it forgets that a person can only bear a couple of things all at once though on the other hand it destroys more than it mends. Don't get the wrong idea, I am not alone, physically. I have tried countless approach, methods, ways for whatever the day wants me to shapeshift myself into, just to reach the most fitting, the most becoming form in order to get on the next day while surviving the traps laid by the worries imbued in me by my upbringing. My mouth as well as my mind is all dried up to blame even an innocent rock for all the things I keep running into, therefore I just embrace the spikes, rush to the fall, crash to the wall and intentionally drown while knowing there is no other way to escape any of this but to run mindlessly towards my problems that has different shapes and sizes.

43

I wanted to become one with the endless roads. A neverending travel filled with great mornings—rain or shine, up in the dangerous but fulfilling mountains, away from the city. I'll bring with me a girl named Sharlyn, an innocent soul with purity so bright, the stars come down with their own time and greet her, lowering their hats and whatnot. The nights will please us with its aurora light show as we lay on the friendly tundras and as cold the night gets, it will freeze nothing but our trouble thoughts, our worries and bad memories about our dangerous encounters with these religous businessmen and their massive paycuts. Oh take me away from the reality and let me select my own. I am tired, my shoulders, my back, my mind are tired from working. No amount of money would bring me into thinking that better days is just around the corner. See, I almost lost my way to everything, even directions in life.. I still have some sanity, grasp on sensibility and meaning but I lost more than half of creativity due to excessive productivity. I need help. I used to think I can do more than what I am supposed to, expected to. Now, whenever they bite more than they can chew, they take a small portion just for show and shove the rest, big chunks in our mouths. Allah, are you aware how your children are misbehaving?

0

Jan 10, 2022

Jan 10, 2022 at 5:16 PM UTC

some chromatic reaction to self-inflicted expulsion from one of moloch's club

I wanted to become one with the endless roads. A neverending travel filled with great mornings—rain or shine, up in the dangerous but fulfilling mountains, away from the city. I'll bring with me a girl named Sharlyn, an innocent soul with purity so bright, the stars come down with their own time and greet her, lowering their hats and whatnot. The nights will please us with its aurora light show as we lay on the friendly tundras and as cold the night gets, it will freeze nothing but our trouble thoughts, our worries and bad memories about our dangerous encounters with these religous businessmen and their massive paycuts. Oh take me away from the reality and let me select my own. I am tired, my shoulders, my back, my mind are tired from working. No amount of money would bring me into thinking that better days is just around the corner. See, I almost lost my way to everything, even directions in life.. I still have some sanity, grasp on sensibility and meaning but I lost more than half of creativity due to excessive productivity. I need help. I used to think I can do more than what I am supposed to, expected to. Now, whenever they bite more than they can chew, they take a small portion just for show and shove the rest, big chunks in our mouths. Allah, are you aware how your children are misbehaving?

7

Of all the things I could promise myself; I can only say half-ass things about the good things that are about to come along the way then light a cigarette with a clouded mind and zero visions of an escape plan. Yeah, it's as typical as I could be when I am left with not much of a choice but to function in harmony with the "best laid plans" of my life. I am somehow glad that I got through almost everything that has been weighing me down. Through with the sadness and the depression but hollowed out through the process, worn out by everyone who have me by the shoulder. I don't mind at all, but if there's something that bothers me is that the longer I spend my time staying here the more bland my life seems to present itself which is why I keep on finding ways not to get separated from the line that leads me back into thinking: "I don't mind at all."

0

Jul 25, 2021

Jul 25, 2021 at 2:46 AM UTC

Determination.

Of all the things I could promise myself; I can only say half-ass things about the good things that are about to come along the way then light a cigarette with a clouded mind and zero visions of an escape plan. Yeah, it's as typical as I could be when I am left with not much of a choice but to function in harmony with the "best laid plans" of my life. I am somehow glad that I got through almost everything that has been weighing me down. Through with the sadness and the depression but hollowed out through the process, worn out by everyone who have me by the shoulder. I don't mind at all, but if there's something that bothers me is that the longer I spend my time staying here the more bland my life seems to present itself which is why I keep on finding ways not to get separated from the line that leads me back into thinking: "I don't mind at all."

19

This is to all of my unfinished books, someday I'll be able read all of you when reading's all that's left to be done. This is to all of those ******** who keeps on pushing me over; I know you have your own problems too so I stopped bothering at getting back at all of you. Here's to those moments I surely need most of the time, a silent morning with a seemingly dark sky with no trace of rain and nothing else is heavier than my body lying on a bed and my mind up in the ceiling. I don't think I'll be needing another hangover for now; the six days in a week, twelve to fouteen hours a day is merciless. I am a witness of "productivity kills creativity" and God knows I am having a rough time managing stress so bad that I started counting how many days left before I finish my contract. It's a fight alright. What's a wounded dog got to do after he finishes licking all his wounds? Nothing. But it doesn't mean he'll retire after his wounds mend. It doesn't work that way and I am yet to find out the ending to think of what's next right after.

0

Nov 27, 2020

Nov 27, 2020 at 3:24 PM UTC

a fully charged brain on a once a week off

This is to all of my unfinished books, someday I'll be able read all of you when reading's all that's left to be done. This is to all of those ******** who keeps on pushing me over; I know you have your own problems too so I stopped bothering at getting back at all of you. Here's to those moments I surely need most of the time, a silent morning with a seemingly dark sky with no trace of rain and nothing else is heavier than my body lying on a bed and my mind up in the ceiling. I don't think I'll be needing another hangover for now; the six days in a week, twelve to fouteen hours a day is merciless. I am a witness of "productivity kills creativity" and God knows I am having a rough time managing stress so bad that I started counting how many days left before I finish my contract. It's a fight alright. What's a wounded dog got to do after he finishes licking all his wounds? Nothing. But it doesn't mean he'll retire after his wounds mend. It doesn't work that way and I am yet to find out the ending to think of what's next right after.

10

born named after a three, a brainstormed term or the same old family name celebrated bred thrown out in the open eyes widened by the true visions of the world self confessions, both harmless and self deprecating the only answer to be given back are tears out of the lack of reason make a stand against the machine with trembling limbs, having courage is absurd but to live it out is a choice leave a flower for a few days without water and it will perish at peace at ease easier to let go harder to leave you just don't gather these, your dissatisfactions in life, distractions, warning signs, long durations of time, probably months without someone to do, you keep them until they hurt why do you keep them all to yourself? do you know these people? they're always right huh? they're never wrong. that's why you're there. I'm here. we don't resist. we just want to live in our own way of how the world could attain peace, then we die silently soon after.

0

Aug 2, 2019

Aug 2, 2019 at 5:07 PM UTC

older brothers to younger heirs

born named after a three, a brainstormed term or the same old family name celebrated bred thrown out in the open eyes widened by the true visions of the world self confessions, both harmless and self deprecating the only answer to be given back are tears out of the lack of reason make a stand against the machine with trembling limbs, having courage is absurd but to live it out is a choice leave a flower for a few days without water and it will perish at peace at ease easier to let go harder to leave you just don't gather these, your dissatisfactions in life, distractions, warning signs, long durations of time, probably months without someone to do, you keep them until they hurt why do you keep them all to yourself? do you know these people? they're always right huh? they're never wrong. that's why you're there. I'm here. we don't resist. we just want to live in our own way of how the world could attain peace, then we die silently soon after.

42