I think it’s happening again
I really hope that I’m wrong that I’m making it up that it’s all in my, head.
I know where this road leads and it’s called depression
From there, it’s my restriction with Ana
I’m already freaking out. I don’t want to
Go back down this road but it looks to be my only path
I just feel like I’m f
a
l
l
i
n
g apart.
Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 8:37 AM UTC
When you came into my life I didn’t want you. I was so young and I thought I didn’t need you.
I said I couldn’t tell a difference, my mother begs to differ she could see the difference.
I was
Calmer
I could focus
I stopped bouncing my leg up and down, up and down, up and down all of the time.
I no longer tapped my pencil like a little drummer boy
I ate like a little girl, not a hollow creature attempting to fill a hollow leg.
It’s been 6 years. 365 days every day, each morning with you on my tongue so that I can focus.
You have given my the power to act normal...
But we need to take a break it might not be you but I just need to see so I have to find out who I am without you and I’m scared because I don’t know who I’ll be but
I’ll still be me, right?
I’m sorry but it’s prbably just temporary trust me
Jun 9, 2018
Jun 9, 2018 at 2:17 AM UTC
Rules are meant to be followed.
Work is meant to be done.
With work and rules and P R O P E R discipline there
W I L L be results.
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:37 PM UTC
Food is the enemy and it always has been.
The binge wasn't worth it.
It set you back,now look what you've done.
You've created more work for yourself.
Good luck you fat ****
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:34 PM UTC
Walking away meant
I was letting go.
It meant I was submitting to her will.
Her words curled up to fill my stomach because
food wasn't allowed.
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:33 PM UTC
I don't know who I am without her.
Before Ana I was a child and in the in be tweens been fighting to get away.
But who does that make me?
First child.
Then starving hatred.
With dashes, small sprinkles of wanting recovery.
Wanting Salvation, but knowing nothing other than how to hate and how to punish because I've forgotten what it is to be a child.
Now I know how to starve better, to be hungry longer.
I know How to please her, which is how I please myself.
But does that really make me happy?
Is this what I was meant to do?
Was I meant to live inside the cage of my mind, doomed to this suffering?
For what?
To reach my ideal of bones?
What does this make me?
Who would I be without her?
How would I live without these guidelines?
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:31 PM UTC
I could feel my decline.
I could hear the call.
I could feel my grip loosen and hers tighten.
So I did something I should have done a while ago.
I left...
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:11 PM UTC
I was honest with you when things were still good and your answer was a threat.
If I couldn't fix myself you’d walk away…
Nobody wants a broken toy
especially not you.
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:09 PM UTC
Biological colossal mistake, it was an exciting chase
Pursue. Follow. Beg.
Whatever, you gave me the run around.
You went through my things and acted like I had something to hide.
My first real go and I couldn't wait to end it.
In the end it was you who finally followed, and begged, but it was I who walked away, for a good reason too...
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 2:00 PM UTC
Why?
Why what?
Why do you hate the attention?
The truth is, i don't hate the attention. I love it.
But i was told if i even so much as showed that love,
i was a brazen *****
Scratch that either way i would be framed as a ****
Jun 6, 2018
Jun 6, 2018 at 1:56 PM UTC