Clear like muddy water,
fluid, but opaque,
is my mind.
With each capsule that I swallow,
I get more and more,
foggy.
Prescriptions as if I need them.
Needing them as though I'm broken.
Maybe I am,
broken.
Maybe I am,
shattered.
Shattered as glass cracks.
In other words,
it doesn't.
Instead, it breaks into countless pieces,
never to be fixed again.
Oh, I'd give anything to be fixed again.
I'd give anything,
to feel clear again.
May 5, 2020
May 5, 2020 at 10:40 PM UTC
I'm running at full speed.
At first, my feet just slide as if on ice,
but eventually,
I gain traction for the run of my life.
The cold when causes my hairs to raise,
and my eyes start to water.
I feel a stream of cold water run down my left cheek,
unknowing that this is the true path to my destiny.
I start to slow down and come to a stop.
I listen for a sound, and feel the drop.
My body goes numb as I flail in the air.
I'm thinking to myself,
"How is this fair?"
All I wanted was to feel again,
all I wanted was to be okay again.
Finally,
I stop flailing,
and take a look around.
I see a man across the void of black that is my mindscape.
I attempt to call to him,
as my thoughts grow dim.
I think to myself,
"This is my fate."
My eyes shut with a slam,
as a man calls out,
"No! Not again!"
I hear his shout and fight to open my eyes.
Now, he's standing before me - wise.
He says,
"Get up. Your fight is far from over.
Get up. If not for me, then for her."
I will my body into motion.
Suddenly, there is no wind,
there is no fight.
Suddenly, I have the power of flight.
I awake in a hospital,
with my wife before me.
I feel a wave of shock come over - and epiphany.
I was running from the sorrow in my mind.
I was running, in an attempt,
to get back to my wife.
With this epiphany I lunge forward,
embracing my wife, whom I missed.
Then, I notice the marks on my wrist.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 8:01 PM UTC
Enough is enough.
I'm done sitting in a room of darkness.
I'm done shouting into the void of black.
I want the world to see me for who I am.
For without the controversy of a feeling man,
I would not be what I am.
Enough is enough.
I want the world to see,
what I was meant to be.
I want my creativity,
to pour and pour out of me.
For without the controversy of a creative man,
I would not be what I am.
Enough is enough.
I need the world to relinquish me,
from this undying epiphany.
This epiphany which tells me,
that I am nothing without my pen.
I am this pen,
and this pen is I.
Bleeding ink to page,
while I figure out what next to write.
As though there is nothing to do,
but write.
For without the controversy of a passionate man,
I would not be what I am.
When enough is enough,
you suddenly become,
good enough.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 4:43 AM UTC
I understand what it means to hurt.
I understand the feeling of blood dripping,
until you don't feel the pain of life.
Yet, I don't understand what I should do.
What am I to do,
when I see scars on my friend's arm?
What am I to do,
when I see someone else swerve the car?
What am I to do,
when I feel like I'm the only person,
still trying to love?
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 4:06 AM UTC
Life is at my fingertips.
I have ever decision to make on my own.
I can do anything and everything,
yet I've never felt so alone.
I want the control taken from me,
but I want to feel in control.
It sounds bipolar, and vague,
but truthfully,
I want nothing but to lay in bed.
I want to ponder on hours on end,
without thinking of what might've been.
My life lies at the edge of the world,
where no one dares to approach.
Still, I must venture on,
and somehow,
make my legacy be told.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 3:48 AM UTC
I'm trying to write,
but it's not coming out...
right.
I'm trying to deal,
but nothing seem...
real.
I'm trying all of these things,
yet all I seem to keep doing,
is dream.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 3:43 AM UTC
It's that moment,
at 2:00 AM that I fear.
It's that precise moment,
when I haven't eaten for what feels like years.
I feel myself growing weary,
but I don't sleep.
Instead,
I drown.
I drown myself in the tears of my own sorrow.
I drown myself thinking,
"Was there anything else I could have done?"
After hours of this one person pity party,
I think,
"They were right all along."
I fear this moment the most,
not for myself,
but others.
I fear that one day,
this precise moment,
will eventually make my pain go away.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 3:29 AM UTC
I'm sitting, slouched over,
on the edge of the world.
It's like a dam, except there's no bottom.
Around me the water flows off of the edge.
And above me, a storm wall between me and the rest of the universe forms.
This is the wall of which I despise.
I am cut off,
without hope,
and without love.
I am cut off from a world which I also despise,
but I think I despise being alone more,
rather than being around people I hate.
Is that an awful thing to say?
I don't know.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 2:30 AM UTC
I haven't written in a while
Not sure why
I've always felt the need to write everything down,
until now.
I'm unsure if I've gotten better,
or if I'm slowly getting worse.
All I know is that I feel weathered,
and lacking the words.
I think I'll try to write more,
maybe that'll help.
Maybe one day,
I'll be able to just be myself.
I've been lost in this ocean of people.
I've made friends,
but they don't know who I truly am.
I've put on a face to impress,
hoping that some day I'll be able to rest.
Still, I still wake up each morning,
hating this thing I've made myself to be,
hating this thing that people know me to be.
How do I change?
How do I say, "enough is enough"?
How do I challenge the world to see me for me,
and still be enough?
I'm not sure how,
but for the time being,
I'll just write everything down.
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 2:27 AM UTC
“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
― Rob Siltanen
Apr 23, 2019
Apr 23, 2019 at 5:46 PM UTC