Last night
I dreamt of you again.
In hindsight, it wasn’t a nightmare
but that makes me wonder why I awoke gasping for air and shaking.
Why I cried for almost a full hour
before once again drifting off in to a dreamscape that was all about you,
and my pain,
and my anger.
All you did
in the first scenario was enter my home.
I knew you were coming as I watched your
vehicle pull in to my driveway.
But this time
instead of crimson it was royal blue.
The last time
I saw you in this world
your head was shaved and you were well kept,
but in that world, your hair was long
and your face was *****
Still tall as ever,
absolutely towering over me.
A presence so easily seen as intimidating,
yet I felt no threat.
As you stood in front of me
in the kitchen of my dreamworld,
I tried so hard to form any cohesive sentence
but all I did was stammer.
And just like that,
I was awake and you were gone.
I sat straight up,
feeling like I was punched in the chest,
gasping, with the wind knocked out of me,
desperate tears falling from my eyes
before I once again fell in to
a sleepscape where
you were present.
I have seen and heard
so many things that remind me of you lately,
and I keep trying to decipher if it’s The Universe
trying to tell me something,
or if it is perhaps
a message from
you yourself.
And I keep thinking
that if it is you, and you are bold enough
to contact me in my precious world of dreams
why you can’t just grow a pair
and face me
in real life.
Mar 3, 2022
Mar 3, 2022 at 9:43 AM UTC
Six years ago,
We were hellbent on watching the show Dexter during almost every second of our free time.
So many late nights that transitioned in to early morning,
We rode waves of exhaustion, with chocolate cake and coffee as our vehicles, illuminated by the glow of a TV screen.
During such a chaotic, dark, and painful time in my life,
Those nights we moved between mouthfuls of cocoa-spongy-goodness at my kitchen table and laughing on my bedroom floor until dawn were my solace.
My best friend.
The innocent warmth that grew in my heart when you offered me genuine smiles and hugs in a time where I felt very little safety or happiness.
Even before you were anything more than my best friend.
We always wondered what a continuation of the original series would be like,
And we were so sure that if there ever was one, we would enjoy it together, similarly to those nights in my room all those years ago.
Well, the new series is out, and I’m five episodes in; all of which have been watched in complete solitude.
Our original binge was six years ago, but as of six days ago, it’s officially been six months since I’ve heard from you last. I’m sure you would at least smirk at the six-six-six coincidence of that.
Sometimes I close my eyes at night and try to pretend that I’m back in that bed, in that room, in that farmhouse, laying next to my best friend, both of us pretending to be asleep because we just got yelled at for laughing too loud.
That’s all.
Jan 27, 2022
Jan 27, 2022 at 11:57 PM UTC
Much like the girl in the red hood,
I would set off to my grandmother’s,
On a voyage for solace,
And didn’t realize how many wolves were after me in the process.
Dec 5, 2021
Dec 5, 2021 at 1:26 PM UTC
It’s interesting
how many men will obey a street sign,
but ignore a verbal plea
from a woman.
Dec 5, 2021
Dec 5, 2021 at 1:08 PM UTC
Panic attack creeping up on me,
I can feel it curling it’s long, icy fingers around my shoulders,
It’s not as bad as it could be,
It’s not gripping me as tightly as it has before,
But I’m in a hotel room,
Somewhere down south,
Flipping through traumatic memories in my head,
Like pages in a photo album,
From my life and generations before me,
And even though this one isn’t as bad as many before it have been,
In a way it feels worse,
Because this time you’re not here,
And you always knew what to do.
Dec 4, 2021
Dec 4, 2021 at 11:36 PM UTC
Over the span of a decade, we’ve gone everywhere and done almost everything that two people could do together.
We’ve traveled across twelve states-
Buying matching earrings in South Dakota,
Being educated by indigenous elders in Montana,
Balancing on risqué edges in Washington for beautiful views and photos.
In Florida, I watched you step in to the ocean for the first time, only two days after you had first utilized air travel.
And I could never forget the way that UV index and saltwater air made your spirit lighter than I had ever seen.
Snowy, winding roads in Idaho,
Unnerving stops for gas in so many middles of nowhere,
All of the places that caused you to say out loud “Now THIS is where I would be happy,”,
And all of the time we spent imaging our lives sprinkled across I-90 and I-94,
Laughing with our hands held high out of the windows,
Blasting music,
Or eating pizza in the trunk while parked at a random CVS.
For the longest time, you were my main and favorite travel buddy,
going all over and back,
And it’s crazy that I can’t even tell you about the adventures I’ve had of my own lately.
All the places we’ve gone together and now I don’t even know where in the world you are.
Nov 30, 2021
Nov 30, 2021 at 6:31 PM UTC
Traveling through Arkansas tonight,
Against the most incredible ombré of blood orange to royal blue,
I came upon a row of large pylons.
I thought about how they were standing there,
Above all other things below,
Shaped like dresses and aprons,
Against an every-color majesty,
Affirming that God is a woman.
Nov 28, 2021
Nov 28, 2021 at 6:33 PM UTC
If your entire life
you’ve been enveloped by
chaos,
finally finding peace will feel
dull.
Nov 23, 2021
Nov 23, 2021 at 11:36 PM UTC
I wish people would more often discuss the period of mourning that comes along with missing someone who is still on this earth.
When you are practically inseparable from someone for ten years of your life,
only to have them disappear one day with no explanation,
It feels the same as them leaving this world forever.
Because when someone leaves this world permanently,
The waves of pain,
and sorrow,
and anger,
and tears,
and begging and pleading and negotiating and bargaining that you go through,
Are a result of knowing that you will NEVER be able to see or speak to,
or touch them
Again.
So why isn’t there the same level of understanding for the grief that comes with someone leaving your personal world,
when you know the sudden, permanent lack of communication and physicality,
are the same?
Nov 23, 2021
Nov 23, 2021 at 7:13 PM UTC
I just really hope that you’re okay.
That’s all.
Nov 23, 2021
Nov 23, 2021 at 6:54 PM UTC