I've excused the abuse,
because by now I'm so used to
being refused
the option to choose
what I gain, what I lose,
or the ways that I'm used.
My body is bruised.
I've pumped myself full of *****
my hearts beginning to ooze...
I'm so ******* confused.
I'm only ever accused
of the things I cant do,
and I try to defuse
the bomb that you use
but I always run out of time.
This life's a game made to lose.
I really just need to transfuse
all these feelings of feeling used,
and abused, and confused, and targeted as a muse.
But it's like they're all fused
to my ******* broken soul.
my body's constantly shaking,
I'm unable to hold
onto anything worth taking.
"You're unloved because you're cold.".
I'm not trying to push you away...
I swear my heart's made of gold...
And yet, here I am
unmoved, unimproved
still not doing what I was told.
Mar 19, 2018
Mar 19, 2018 at 1:41 PM UTC
I've got this real good friend at home,
I call her Mary Jane
I spend a lot of time with her,
at least an hour everyday.
She sets fire to my anger,
We watch my doubts all dance away.
When she raises my head into the clouds
I feel like everything's okay.
Some of my friends don't like her,
and that I understand,
Sometimes it's overwhelming
When Mary Jane takes your hand.
Some days she takes you far away from you
and says she wants to play a game,
and then, next thing you know
she tries to climb inside your brain.
But I'm at peace with her you see,
We're roommates now. Ya know,
Id rather hang with Mary Jane
than her crazy brother Blow.
Mar 7, 2018
Mar 7, 2018 at 1:41 PM UTC
Some people say that love
is the only thing you need to be happy.
But is that really true?
If someone actually loved me,
like, REALLY loved me,
would that make me happy?
Maybe I want to be happy on my own..
Am I capable of making myself happy?
My depression says " you know you can't".
I mean, I guess it's true,
I'm not happy. I haven't been in a while..
And I'm all alone...
So I need someone?
Do I really need someone?
Someone who thinks they need me too?
Is that the key to this lock
that I've been trying to pick for years,
with broken nails and shaky hands?
Another person?
A boy who sees something in my eyes
besides a dim light, desperately trying to shine
over a raging sea of tears?
Maybe he is the key.
Or maybe he holds it.
But where is the lock?
Where? Here?
Buried inside my chest?
The lock is... my heart..?
But what will happen to me
if this boy unlocks me with his key?
What if my chest explodes
giving him the perfect opportunity
to steal my soul from my body?
To take my life away?
Is this life without love?
Do you need to love
and be loved
to finally feel alive?
What is "Love"?
Mar 7, 2018
Mar 7, 2018 at 1:34 PM UTC
I was sitting in a seat
on what used to be your school bus.
The only thought running through my head
was "What the ****
You messaged me while I was in class
and you asked me
to come see you after school.
As I read your messages
and for some reason agreed,
I just kept thinking
"What the ****
Why did you want to see me?
Why did I want to see you?
Did I even want to?
I don't think I really did.
I still don't know how I felt
aside from nervous and afraid.
Friends asked me where I was going
and I didn't tell them.
I was ashamed.
But was I ashamed of myself? for GOING to see you?
Or was it because I was going to see YOU?
As I walked up your driveway
I remembered all the times
we had sat beneath the stars,
filling our lungs with nicotine, dope and lust.
And as I walked into the house
you were nowhere to be seen,
"What the ****
I crept downstairs and uncertainty crept into my chest.
I knocked softly on your broken door
as I had a million times before,
but this time, when I heard "come in"
I wanted to run away.
What the **** was I doing?
Why was I there?
What the ****
What the ****
WHAT THE ****
I took a deep breath
and tried to stop the shaking of my hands
as I slowly pushed your door open
to see you sitting on your bed.
You looked so different
after 4 months of invisibility,
but still all the same.
Your hair was cut short
no longer long and wavy,
but still greasy.
Your smile was slightly dulled,
but you glowed as you walked towards me
and pulled me in for a hug.
Feeling your body against mine,
Your arms around my waist,
Your warmth,
Your heartbeat.
All I could think as I breathed in
your scent that I had secretly missed,
was "What the ****
What the **** am I doing here?
What the **** is going to happen while I'm here with him?
What the **** do I expect?
How do I feel?
How do I want to feel?
How am I supposed to feel?
What are feelings?
What do they mean?
What the ****
And then you were holding my hand
and telling me how much you had missed me
and how sorry you were for disappearing for so long.
I told you it was all okay.
What the **** Why?
It wasn't okay.
I had spent the last 4 months
Writing
Missing
Wanting
Craving
Hating
Loathing
Screaming
and Crying
about the fire that raged
inside my heart and inside my brain
because of the damage that you had caused.
But all the hate randomly vanished
as you pressed your lips against mine.
As you pulled me closer.
As your hands began to explore my shaking body.
And then, just like that,
I was yours
just the same as before.
What the ****
We spent 3 hours
wrapped up in each other,
and afterwards you told me that you loved me,
and when it was time for me to go,
you kissed me before helping me climb into the car.
As you drove me home
all I could think was
"I hope I can see you again soon"
What the ****
Feb 27, 2018
Feb 27, 2018 at 10:37 AM UTC
You messaged me tonight
To tell me that you were sorry.
You apologized for all the pain
you caused.
You didn't expect me to want to talk,
You said you understood that I "hate" you for what you'd done.
You mentioned that you had read
Some of the words I've written
About you.
You congratulated me for
finally putting myself
"Out there".
You told me you missed me.
You told me you loved me.
You told me you'd like to see me again
sometime really soon.
Sirens started going off in my head.
My thought scattered.
I felt my heart sinking
into the depths of my chest
as my thumbs danced over my keyboard
While I tried to come up with a way to respond to you.
As the storm inside my stomach raged
and the ocean in my brain
dripped from my eyes
I typed out a final goodbye.
Feb 26, 2018
Feb 26, 2018 at 12:09 AM UTC
sometimes I think I miss you
but then I think again
and realize that I don't need you
as a "buddy" or a "friend"
You hurt my heart
you hurt my soul
but without you here
I am still whole.
You can take yourself away from me
and try to make me mad
but it isn't gonna work, ya know
Because I'm all done being sad
I'm happier without you
and I dont care what you believe,
my life's only gotten better
since I stopped stopping your leave
Feb 24, 2018
Feb 24, 2018 at 7:21 AM UTC
your lies
they wow and terrify
your lies
bring tears to my blue eyes
your lies
I've learned to recognize
your lies
April's, May's, June's, then July's
your lies
boy, they immobilize
your lies
are no longer a surprise
I'm done trying to compromise
Just leave me, now.
And take your lies.
Feb 23, 2018
Feb 23, 2018 at 12:46 PM UTC
My days lately
have been sad, and dark and grey
I hope to find better, brighter days
maybe in the month of May
April hasn't come yet
but I'm prepared for oncoming showers
maybe all the clouds I see over my head
are just trying to water my flowers
The flowers that were frozen over
in the harsh month of December
the ones I've buried deep, deep down
the ones I can't remember
I know that the day will come
when all my flowers can finally bloom
I hope that time comes to me soon
but if not in May, then maybe June
Feb 23, 2018
Feb 23, 2018 at 12:31 PM UTC
18 years
I'm almost there
18 years
and I am still so scared
18 years
on April 14th
18 years
and I still can't define "me"
18 years
my Dad thanked me for making 16
18 years
I must apologize for being so mean
18 years
full of fits of rage
This 18th year
will release me from the cage
over 18 years
I've learned to try and cope
so, here's to 18 more
I guess I've still got hope
Feb 22, 2018
Feb 22, 2018 at 12:25 PM UTC
staring at the stars,
I've never felt so small.
I realize that the universe is so incredibly huge,
that nothing in it matters at all.
anything that I will ever do
will eventually be forgotten,
so it doesn't really matter
what sort of trouble I get caught in.
I know it matters to my parents
that I graduate this year,
but I'm starting what I want to do
by posting my amature poems here.
I'm sharing my thoughts with strangers,
and trying to make them rhyme,
but like I mentioned earlier,
my words will all be forgotten with time.
but that's not going to stop me
from trying to become a "writer",
I can do this from my bedroom,
it makes my heart feel a little lighter.
I'm just trying to find my place,
I'm trying to be happy.
I'm feeling a bit of grace
even if these poems are ****** :P
Feb 21, 2018
Feb 21, 2018 at 1:29 PM UTC