So much
So much time
That I spend coming here
And just reading what you write
I read about the hardships you endure
The anxiety of the future.
The arguments you have with him
The gas lighting you unknowingly suffer
How you miss the friend you hold so dear
That he made you drop
Because that friend openly criticized
What he knew was wrong
How you saw me walk down the street
with someone else
And it made you sad
for reasons I don't know
How you didn't know why I seemed so off when we finally spoke after months
How it felt
Finally seeing how much has changed.
Face to face.
I come here everyday just to see you
Because this is all I have left of new memories with you
A little site in the corner of the internet
And you don't even know
how much time I spend
just coming to see
if you have something new.
To finally hear from you.
So much time.
So much...
Feb 28, 2018
Feb 28, 2018 at 5:44 AM UTC
My heart was pounding
Why was I so nervous?
Why was I so scared?
It's just you.
The friend I held so close,
loved so dear.
The one I miss the most
I can't even tell why my heart was pounding
Excitement?
Paranoia?
.... longing?....
I don't even know
Part of me doesn't even want to
But maybe its because...
We just aren't as close as we were
When you.... did what you did
Made that choice...
Everything changed..
Everything from you...
Felt so... different
More distant
Even before that you were becoming more distant.
When everything had to go through him...
You stopped being close
At least... it felt like it
I felt like I was put second to everything...
And I still do sometimes
You go behind his back for me
But.. for how long?
I was so happy when we talked.. i was
Because I miss you so much
But I had so much in my head...
I couldn't think of what to say.
Because I don't know how to say it anymore...
I'm still that same boy you held so dear
I'm just....
Very closed off now
Feb 27, 2018
Feb 27, 2018 at 12:28 AM UTC
What am I?
I know the obvious answer is "human",
But I mean it in a more focused way.
What am I to you?
Am I the one whose heart you wish you never broke?
Or the one you wish would fade away for his own good?
Am I the one you kissed so much out of appreciation and maybe unspoken affection?
Or a sullen reminder of the things you may have thrown away?
Am I the sweet sullen soul with a constant smile on his face, who always saw the good in you, and was never angry when you didn't speak, for I was fluent in silence?
Or am I the angry and bitter soul with fire in his eyes, who voices his grave concern and disappointment with the roads you have taken?
Am I the friend you hold so dear, and swore to never let go?
Or am I just a secret now, and nothing more?
The answer is simple
As clear as day
I am not one or the other
I'm both
I'm the one you wish you never hurt, and wish would let you fade, but I'm still here.
I am the one you showed such grand affection to, but you try to downplay like it was nothing, because from here it seems you still feel pain for it all, but I'm still here.
I am happy and bright soul who knows the good you are and can do, but also the angry and sad one who looks on you and asks "What the hell are you doing to yourself?", but I'm still here.
I am still the friend you hold so dear, but also a secret you don't wish to have, because even though you hate lying to him you still do, but I'm still here.
And that shall always remain the same.
The yin and yang.
But one constant will always remain:
I'm still here.
Because to me, you were always worth it.
Feb 13, 2018
Feb 13, 2018 at 5:36 AM UTC
Love
The ultimate emotion
One that is over complicated by the populous
"It's the hardest thing you'll ever do"
"You're never sure if you do somedays"
"It hurts"
Neither of those are true
Love is not the hardest thing
Its as easy as breathing
When you feel it, its finite and you don't question it
Even if emotions can be a mystery to you
Love is always a constant
Love is not painful
Its the most beautiful thing
It does not harm
Harmful things are sometimes claimed to be done in the name love
But if they hurt, then its not love.
Love is unquestionable
If you feel it, you won't question it.
You'll know in your gut its true.
If someone says "Loving you is hard sometimes"
Then odds are they don't love you as much as they claim
If the love you feel only garners nothing but pain
Then it may not be love after all
If you are unsure you love a person, if you say "I think I do"
Then you don't.
Because loving someone is as easy as can be.
Pretending to is hard.
Jan 29, 2018
Jan 29, 2018 at 2:51 PM UTC
Something feels like its missing
Something feels like its gone
Something I wish was still here
Something I miss
It hurts knowing that you have the reason wrong
That you think it was all for love
When it wasn't and still isn't
Its because you are my friend
First and always
And I don't leave friends behind
Jan 29, 2018
Jan 29, 2018 at 12:48 AM UTC