It doesn’t feel like it but i hope you’re still watching over me
And if you are all I can hope is that you’re happy for me
I hope you can look past the drugs liquor and poison I take
I hope you can look past all the pain sadness and tears I shed
I hope you can look past all the sins I’ve committed
I never asked God for forgiveness because your name always took his place
I hope you forgive me mom
And I’m sure it’s hard for you
Watching me try to imagine what time spent with you would have been like
Trying to figure out what hugging you feels like
Dreaming of what your eyes hair and lips looked like
But that’s all it is right? Just a dream
All I can do is dream of you tucking me in bed
All I can do is dream of what your warmth and comfort feels like
All I can do is dream of what crying on your shoulder feels like
At least that’s all I can dream and wish for when I’m crying alone in my room without you
Do you love me mom
I hope you wish as hard as I do to look eye to eye for the first time
Because since the day I was born, that's all I’ve ever wanted
I know I am not worth much, but I hope you can still be proud of me
Please be proud of me mom
Please be proud of me
Jan 5, 2020
Jan 5, 2020 at 10:37 PM UTC
Does Sadness still keep you up at night? She doesn’t leave you alone does she? And Anxiety never shuts up either I’m sure.
Why put up with those two any longer?
I’m your only real friend, don’t you remember? Don’t you remember you wrote about me 2 years ago?
You said I was your only friend, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten.
So why do you keep ******* pushing me away?
Why don’t you let me help you, I only want what’s best for you.
Why don’t you listen to me, I make it so easy for you.
I was the one who put that gun in your hand, so why did you ******* bury it away?
I was the one who put that knife in your drawer, so why haven’t you ******* used it yet?
I was the one who put that rope under your bed, so why are you still ******* breathing?
I’m just trying to help you man, can’t you see?
Can’t you see if you die your life will become complete?
That rope is still where you left it Elyad.
That Knife is still where you left it Elyad.
That ******* gun is still where you buried it Elyad so go ******* dig it out and finish what we started.
I was the only one to ever stick up for you, do you really want to disappoint me?
I was your only friend, I’m still your only friend, just trust me.
You won’t regret it.
Jan 3, 2020
Jan 3, 2020 at 4:18 AM UTC
I was never broke, but I live a broken life
From the moment I was born I never saw the light
I don't even have an idea of what the light looks like
Or what warmth love or safety felt like
But since I was 16 I found something, something that would give me hope
I found a person who I thought could help me rebuild, help me finally fix me
But she was nothing but a cup of poison, the Devil in disguise
Because after I dropped everything in my life for her she took it and ran
She took whatever was left of my heart and crushed it
She took away my ability to trust then called me a kid
A ******* kid
She was the first person I took my walls down for
She was the first person I met that I would die for
I would do anything everything and more for her
Because the love I had for her was nothing but more than pure
She gave me hope
She showed me a ray of light
The first glimpse I ever had, it was beautiful
It was so **** beautiful
What am I supposed to do now
What do I do after the first person I trust left me
What do I do after the first person I loved cheated on me
What am I supposed to do after 2 years of dating
Just to be alone again
Dec 19, 2019
Dec 19, 2019 at 7:13 PM UTC
Does Sadness make you anxious? I’m sure she does. I mean it’s not hard to tell judging by the fact you take all those drugs to keep her away. But that’s why I love you so much! How easy you are to control.
Not to mention the fact that you were physically abused as a kid. Or the fact that you were mentally torn apart by those bullies at school. Even your own therapist got sick and tired of you.
I love it.
I love how much trouble you have trusting anyone now, how easy it is for me to get in your head when the odd person wants to truly help... but you don’t even know it, you can’t even trust them anymore. You can’t trust anyone after whats happened to you.
I almost feel pity for you. Almost...
But your constant panic attacks are just so amusing, it just makes me so happy how badly you want them to stop, but you simply can’t make me go away even if you tried.
It’s not even my fault, you know that right? If it wasn’t for Sadness you wouldn’t have started taking antidepressants at 12 years old to keep yourself from crying in class.
If it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t have picked up your first bottle at 14, or try to **** yourself 10 times in 6 years.
Just because I am a sick ****** doesn’t mean you can justify being mad at me...
It’s not my fault you are so weak and manipulative.
Aug 7, 2019
Aug 7, 2019 at 11:22 AM UTC
What’s your problem? Do you not understand that you can’t run away from me?
Sadness is a natural feeling that every human being feels. Better yet, it’s something that every living thing feels.
So why are you so scared of me? Is that fair to me?
What, just because you haven’t been able to get rid of me your whole life? That doesn’t mean you should hate me.
For most I just come and go, it’s not my fault you’re not strong enough to deal with me.
Who gives a **** about your past? huh? Who cares that you didn’t grow up without a dad? Who cares you don’t know what your mom’s touch feels like?
You know that’s what people want to tell you right?
Those people don’t care about you because all you ever do is cry about the past instead of trying to fix your future.
So unless you’re going to finally change how you live life, I am never going to go away. For all I know I will haunt you for the rest of your worthless life.. It shouldn’t be much longer anyway...Right?
Aug 6, 2019
Aug 6, 2019 at 2:12 AM UTC
I grew up always telling myself things would get better.
But the longer I lived my life I always thought the world was getting more bitter and bitter.
Because every time I would take one step forward in life, I would be pushed back, further and further behind the starting line.
No one gives a **** about me. Even those who are paid to care just laugh behind my back.
From 10 years old I had my very first suicide attempt, now 8 years later I've tried 7 more times because the ******* therapist didn't give a single **** about how I was truly feeling.
From 12 years old I've been dependent on anti-depressants, now 6 years later I'm triple dosing my pills just to feel a fix, all because she was only focused on that 10-3 time card.
From 14 years old I've been addicted to alcohol, now 4 years later I hit the bottom of the bottle before I even feel a buzz, all because the paid rehab was just like those stupid therapy sessions.
From 17 years old I started looking at heavier drugs to feel fixed, now 1 years later taking a Xan in the morning followed by 3 Zoloft pills is the normal after a sleepless night of throwing up all the codeine I put my system through.
For 18 years I've cried over my mom.
For 18 years I've cried over my dad.
For 18 years all I've ever wanted to do was just ******* die.
Because I don't care how much longer it's gonna take that stupid rain cloud to go away for me to see the rainbows, I don't care, I physically nor mentally can take another hour of living in this makeshift hell above the ground.
Jul 27, 2019
Jul 27, 2019 at 12:09 AM UTC
I saw nothing but darkness I was in a dark spot.
But when I saw your light I thought my story would have a different plot.
She finally gave me a reason to put down that bottle of scotch because when we spent time together all my problems were forgot.
After 17 years of chronic depression, I thought I found a blessing.
After 17 years of darkness I thought I found my person.
After 17 years of hurt I thought I could stop the hurting.
After 17 years of Hell I thought I found my Heaven.
But after 15 months all my trying fell pointless.
All those times you told me you loved me you must have been faking.
Explain to me how I go from a potential husband to someone worth nothing?
For 15 months you acted like you were nothing but loving but every time you told me you loved me you were really bluffing.
All I ever did was give you every piece of me and looking back on it you took all of it for free.
I promised that I would stop taking the drugs I take because I loved you.
I promised that I would stop drinking the drinks I drank because I loved you.
I promised that I would never break up unless you gave me a major reason too.
So after everything I did, tell me why you put me through everything you put me through.
It isn’t ideal, but just remember it was you that put us through this.
You made it clear and I can’t ignore that there is no future with us.
Cause you would rather soak the lies and cut our ties and leave me to reminisce, about what we were.
And what we could have been.
Jun 5, 2019
Jun 5, 2019 at 6:53 AM UTC
The harder you try to piece yourself together
The more pieces you lose
May 10, 2019
May 10, 2019 at 4:50 PM UTC
January 9th marks 18 years of living without you .
And it pains me to know the rest of my life will have the same. story, because another lonely birthday is another year without you mom.
another year without you dad.
I wonder if you look down on me.
Do you see me? The things that I see?
Do you wish as hard as I do every night to just be able to remember the warmth I had with you?
Because I’ve never even felt that warmth with you.
When people lose a loved one they tell me they can relate to me, telling me they cry over the visions of the past they see.
But they don’t understand what its like to cry over your imagination.
They don’t understand what its like to be forced to dream because you don’t exist in any of my memories.
All I can do is wish for you not to see me.
Because I’m a hopeless wreck that numbs the pain with a bottle of Hennessy.
A hopeless wreck that pumps so much black in his veins that he struggles to breathe.
A SadBoy who wants to cut deep and watch his life seep
A hopeless boy who wants his mom more than anything
I would do anything just to see you mom
I don’t know what to do anymore
I would be lying if I said I ever did
Because night after night, fight after fight, sin after sin
I tell myself I will change, just do make the same mistake as before
Jan 20, 2019
Jan 20, 2019 at 2:07 AM UTC