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Sarahh
19/M/Cape Town I don't really share a lot. I like this platform. It reminds me to be calm and use words instead of anger. but anger is good sometimes. for your body. crying is always nice and relieving. it sometimes makes my skin glow which is a bonus.
I see everything. All of a sudden I see it all I look from my balcony down and I see him swimming with me I look the right side of my bed which he once occupied I clear out my cupboard and see his old shorts that always showed his hairy legs and his speedo that he only wore once when he thought swimming would replace his sadness I lie on the floor and I see him telling me he’s not the type of person to be in a relationship I see him telling me that he likes me. More than a friend. I see myself smiling. I don’t feel it I lie awake and see him waiting for myself to fall asleep because he promised that he would never ever let me sleep before him, in case I get scared and have bad thoughts. I see the pain, I see the day we parted, I see the crying I see the loneliness I see the screaming I see the heartbreak I see the ******* anger in my eyes and in my heart when I find out that we can’t be friends I blame myself I blame myself I blame myself I blame him I blame him I blame him I see the tiny threads falling apart in those three months after the first time. I see them now and they hurt It all hurts It’s been a year And it may even hurt a little more than before I see him crying and then I don’t see him at all I can’t even see his face, I can’t see how he is, I can’t see who he is. I can’t see.
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May 3, 2020
May 3, 2020 at 4:09 PM UTC
I am not sure what to call this one
walls doors dogs firemen dogs *** fire blankets people singing
0
May 3, 2020
May 3, 2020 at 4:05 PM UTC
things
Depression hides itself in blankets It hides in cups of coffee that are seen as “pick me ups” It hides in between our sweatpants and in between our clothing that gives us a kick of confidence It hides in our cigarettes that we deem a social act It hides in between our smiles and our happy voices over the phone. Or a big enthusiastic wave to someone you haven’t spoken to in while but you can’t chat too long, you’re late for class It hides in the “how are you” It hides in our Instagram stories It hides when they ask “really how are you” and all you can think of telling them is that you’ve progressed and grown and you’re in a much better place because it looks and seems like it and surely you couldn’t be going through the same thing for so long because its been years or months or weeks or days.   It hides when you tell them you’re finally happy, you finally know yourself Depression comes out in early hours of the morning. When you’ve gone through every app on your phone and realized you’ve seen it all already It comes out when you are trying to fall asleep It comes out when you have thoughts you feel you shouldn’t have It comes out when you miss them It comes out when you don’t know why you’re sitting on your bed and you would actually prefer silence and not to move. But that confirms it. It comes out when there is no one left to call. When I say it hides, it really hides away from us and its euphoric and feels like growth when it hides. But when it finds you it finds the softest and most vulnerable parts and it steals you back. Till it puts itself back on the shelf. For another late night, for another early morning, where no one can say, catch you when I can.
0
May 3, 2020
May 3, 2020 at 3:49 PM UTC
It eventually finds you
Depression hides itself in blankets It hides in cups of coffee that are seen as “pick me ups” It hides in between our sweatpants and in between our clothing that gives us a kick of confidence It hides in our cigarettes that we deem a social act It hides in between our smiles and our happy voices over the phone. Or a big enthusiastic wave to someone you haven’t spoken to in while but you can’t chat too long, you’re late for class It hides in the “how are you” It hides in our Instagram stories It hides when they ask “really how are you” and all you can think of telling them is that you’ve progressed and grown and you’re in a much better place because it looks and seems like it and surely you couldn’t be going through the same thing for so long because its been years or months or weeks or days.   It hides when you tell them you’re finally happy, you finally know yourself Depression comes out in early hours of the morning. When you’ve gone through every app on your phone and realized you’ve seen it all already It comes out when you are trying to fall asleep It comes out when you have thoughts you feel you shouldn’t have It comes out when you miss them It comes out when you don’t know why you’re sitting on your bed and you would actually prefer silence and not to move. But that confirms it. It comes out when there is no one left to call. When I say it hides, it really hides away from us and its euphoric and feels like growth when it hides. But when it finds you it finds the softest and most vulnerable parts and it steals you back. Till it puts itself back on the shelf. For another late night, for another early morning, where no one can say, catch you when I can.
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