Do the demons that hide behide my eyes
sell out my soul before I open my mouth
Do the way my arms fall around my body
Indicate I am lonely
I am sad?
At what point in my pathetic life did I just become this bag of lopsided dough?
When do I become so vuenrable
Willing to let anyone become a friend
Instead of protecting whats left of my fragile heart
Coffee stirers for bones
wine for blood
nothing for me
Why can't I just feel love
Why does love make me feel so guilty
Why is it everytime I think of love
You're the 1st person to come to mind
Why is it everytime I try to fill this void you left in my soul
It is so unfillable
I know you say you did this out of love
But if this is love, then I dont want to know the other words meanings
hate,
abandonment
Youre not good enough
youre not special
Why do you ask about my brothers and my parents
while i am the person talking to you
Do i not exist?
Do the demons that hide behind my eyes
Tell you secrets behind my back?
Do you know I stay awake wondering
what life would have been like if we would have stayed together
When did I become so vulnerable
ready to attch myself to the first thing with a heart beat
Why do I let myself feel such strong connections with temporary people
Or maybe its because I hope theyre permeant
I guess more importantly why do I still blame you
I mean its been 23 years 23
I have gotten over some pretty rough breakups faster
I just can't wrap my head around this
Was I not special?
Did I not matter?
Or did I matter to much
You never ask about me mom
Maybe its because I dont have any deformities or disabilities
Because maybe if I did you would care about me too
I feel like you didnt care at all
I felt like your life's mistake
Maybe i dont have to tell you this
I dont know who I am
Wynona, Ashley, Sapphire or WAS
I was someone
Somone who was burned for love
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 1:38 PM UTC
Its been like this for so long
I don't remember when it first happened
maybe it was the first time I saw you smile
Then again, maybe it was a coincidence
I could barely breathe
I could barely see the glimmer in your eyes
Maybe it was gone
like the innocence in my soul would soon be
Like my glimmer was too
I felt nothing, empty and yet present
Frozen as I felt every limb in my body paralyed
I could hear your footsteps each time
Step, creaking, step, A deep sigh
I know you're there
I can smell the rotten breath you breathe
I squeeze my eyes closed
Late at night after the beer
After your wife said no
You sat on my bedside stroking my hair
Calling me baby girl
To you I was anything but a girl
You used to read me bed time stories
Now I replay stories in my head
I watch from above
While you whisper in my ear
Wake up darling
You will miss the stars
I'm to old to fall for the stars line
Yet he says it anyway. I do not move
Staying as still as possible
Hoping this is the night he will give up
But we both know he won't
Limp i stay
Dreaming of a place far from here and daylight
I miss the light that comes in nights place
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 1:32 PM UTC
There's sadness in my bones
Rotting away at my soul
Tears fall like acid rain
Burning my face
with ashened skin frail and flaky
The idea crosses my mind
a thin line won't make that much of a deal
I don't typically cross lines
Especially those I set myself
I miss the feeling of the cold blade
The sharpness of the edge
Rest against my damp skin
The urge to feel gripes at my weaknesses
I have desires unmet with guilt
Drink after drink
Lie after lie
Nov 22, 2020
Nov 22, 2020 at 1:23 PM UTC
Today I lit a match and set myself on fire
I watched as my imperfections were singed
I don’t remember the heat of the flames
I remember the smell of my own vulnerabilities
Set ablaze by the societal demands on a young woman
A life begins in striving
Ends in catching that final breath
As fire engulfs me
Stealing the oxygen from my lungs
As I drown without water
The gates open
Wounds I thought closed
Ripped open and debrided with the fire burning me alive
Today I found myself underwater while on land
Drowning on my own thoughts
As I choke back the words willing their way out
I swallow hard trying to force the words down
Instead all of the words I have been dying to say fall out
Today I lit a match and set my words on fire
Nurturing the fire in my soul
Healing the torn apart wounds
Sep 4, 2019
Sep 4, 2019 at 10:41 PM UTC