how do I tell my mother that I am a lot happier than I used to be
The tall man that comes to see me weekly
His long fingers , moving around the guitar strings
He tells me that I’m too pretty and I always wonder if he has told this to other women
He calls me daily
He says I’m his priority
I was afraid at first as I was trying to establish bigger boundaries
The boundaries are still there
But I’ve never been happier
I can listen to his voice and his guitar all day as long as I don’t push myself further
For the very first time I don’t feel the pain that I used to feel from any men
And I really think that’s what matters the most in this different city
Oct 4, 2020
Oct 4, 2020 at 10:14 AM UTC
I saw you
You saw me
You’re a lot different than you used to look
Still pretty as ever
Still cold as ever
I sat & wonder
If things will ever be good
I genuinely still care as I despise you sometimes
That’s all
Oct 4, 2020
Oct 4, 2020 at 10:04 AM UTC
being dysfunctional was like a friend
It sticks to you
Pushes you to bed even when the sun rises and sets
Being dysfunctional was a disease
I saw my friend being pulled to the bed
Weeks later I saw the death stains in the bed wondering how much she was bleeding inside
Being dysfunctional was a prison
My thoughts swam around me with my blurred visions
My head feels heavy
My legs ache
Being dysfunctional was simply scary
How long was I going to be pulled into bed
Only for me to be discovered without a soul
Feb 26, 2020
Feb 26, 2020 at 2:07 PM UTC
I saw my late grandmother at the corner
She smiled at me and I waved back at her
I swam towards her and gave her a hug
And then she disappeared in my arms
I looked at my hands and wonder
What was I doing in the sea
Only for me to drown into the dysfunctional despair as I woke up from the hug
Feb 26, 2020
Feb 26, 2020 at 2:01 PM UTC
sometimes I think about all the things I told people about
I spent my years revealing myself to the girls who I thought will be my closest
To the men who I thought will stay by me
To the family members who I thought will support me
All that guilt and shame that swims around me
Made me think of death so much until it scares me
If I ever die by my choice
I want to say that you’ve shamed me so much and pushed me so hard to the wall
That I decided to use my grudges towards you and push it right through my soul
It still kills me when I think about my dead relationships and friendships
No argument was even needed to cut many of them off
Feb 20, 2020
Feb 20, 2020 at 10:30 AM UTC
I will like to apologise to that boy
I went into a delusional state of my idealism and faith
I wish you could see
How crazy I’ve gotten for you
How crazy I was becoming
But I know that this will all be over
The moment you decided how done you were
And it broke me so hard
But I know it’s what I’ve always wanted
I hate you for approaching me
I hate you for all those desperate texts
I only could wish that those messages were never sent in the first place
and sometimes
Just sometimes
I wish that things could work healthily between us
If only you saw me the way I saw you
If only you try to love me just the way I was subconsciously doing
I still think of you
Which is stupid
And sad
And I’ve become a mess
It’s hard
Why
Won’t
You
Ever
Like
Me
The
Way
I *******
Like
You
Feb 18, 2020
Feb 18, 2020 at 1:47 PM UTC
To my dear Faira,
You’ve made your decision
I pushed all the guilt inside me
And let the sadness drown me for a little while
I will never forget the vast amount of orange in your closet
I will never forget the touch of your hair when I helped to give you a haircut
I will never forget the chats we had at the bar as we sipped our favourite cocktails
“FOCUS ON THE PATTERNS HE GAVE YOU, NOT THE POTENTIAL “
I remember saying that and you agreed to it wholeheartedly
I should have given you a tighter hug
I should have stayed longer with you
I should have been with you more often
You were consumed by the darkness you felt
I wish I could stop you and pull you from it
I wasn’t an amazing friend to you and I would love to apologise for that.
Know that you’re always in my heart, faira
Feb 18, 2020
Feb 18, 2020 at 1:39 PM UTC
Here’s to me for growing the **** up
I’ve realized that I was stuck in a fake friendship for years
From all the lies you told me and all the crap you’ve given me
I assumed you rarely told me your mistakes either because you thought I would be like you
The usual narcissist who pretends her life has always been perfect
Or you needed the power to control me and demean me if I ever burst
Here’s to cutting you off for good
You only needed me because you wanted me and you never tried to be the best for me
Here’s to your narcissism and the things I’ve done for you during my teenage and adult years as I gave more than what I got
Here’s to cutting you off for good.
Our relationship was merely full of love and of course, full of hate
Call me a fake yeah I knew that
I’m better off without you
Because I know that I can live without your support
Cause that’s exactly how I’ve been living
Feb 4, 2020
Feb 4, 2020 at 1:44 AM UTC
i understand if you want to cut me off
you hated my toxic habits
and I knew I had to change
and I’ve kept grudges
I never liked your narcissism
but we had a bond
we rarely see each other but the least I could hope for
was your support to help me emotionally.
I needed a friend.
I wish I could cut you off
I really do
Jan 23, 2020
Jan 23, 2020 at 10:22 PM UTC
When that song comes
I think of you
I think of those green eyes staring right back at me
I know you don’t like it when I talk about your eyes cause I know you want to be known as you and not with those eyes
I know that when you stared at the wall behind me
You think of her
The song was playing and you were thinking of her
And you told me you were sad
I asked why and you didn’t respond
Why did I even ask you that when I know the answer
Maybe this whole thing is an assumption so that I can get you out my mind
This isn’t poetry!
I keep thinking about how distant you got
I don’t want these feelings
I don’t want to care
I hate how much I randomly think of you cause texting you before we slept together was already a habit
A routine that you made me do
But I’m always reminded about what a genuine person you truly are
As the time goes by I’ve been diving into my responsibilities just to get
You
Out
Of
My
System.
This is why I press skip when the song starts playing on my Spotify
Jun 19, 2019
Jun 19, 2019 at 5:14 AM UTC