Sitting, smoking a sheet to a 90s playlist
Cooking a shot for the road
A fix for the fever I'll have 3 hours later
A thread to mend my torn soul.
And this hole's been ripped open
As a means to match the broken
But this beating, endless bleeding
Bruised the backbone of that notion
leaving only one thing left to test
The drop from out that ocean
Dripping quickly into glistening
Pretty glitter ****** of poison.
Corrosive rot and dull decay
Haunt the walls of every room
Prisoner to the ball and chain
That stains my veins dark blue.
Reminiscence is a ghost,
A life I never knew-
Sipping from a silver spoon,
That father's day in June.
My blood, my bones, my family
All just memories in the air
That kick up with the gusts of wind
And tickle through my hair.
A reminder that I still can't feel,
And they were never there-
My body left me long ago
And no one ever cared.
Aug 7, 2015
Aug 7, 2015 at 8:31 PM UTC
My scars don't look like
Anyone else's-
They're more careful,
Organized, precise and
Exact.
Not light, but
Never deep enough
Never deep enough
Never deep enough
Never deep enough.
People always ask why
I do such pretty patterns:
Because this is the only thing in life
That I can really control
Control
Control,
And I find it so beautiful-
Though, not so much tragic.
My scars are not chaotic like a
Car-wreck,
They are consistent like a
Coma-
Proof that I was awake
The whole time I was sleeping,
And I could feel everything
Even though I could tell no one.
No one.
That this
Unconscious obsessive compulsion
Demands order
**Order
Order,** it
Insists by instinct,
An intricate simplicity.
Still, I will 'ever envy
Those stitched gashes, once
Gushing
Gushing
Gushing with surrender and
Serenity...
Each raised and rough coarse collagen fiber
To form a white flag
Forever etched in flesh;
To tell the world
They, were a slave to freedom-
I am only a slave
To myself.
Dec 9, 2014
Dec 9, 2014 at 2:52 AM UTC
All I need is a needle
And a spoon
I've got the balloons
The cotton ball, lighter
Drive higher up the mountains
Where no one will find me
And get really high
For the
Last
Time
Dec 1, 2014
Dec 1, 2014 at 6:12 PM UTC
On the day that David died, I was
Sitting sober, wishing I was high
And it was always like that during those
Couple clean months.
The first person I told didn't care-
What's another dead ******
As if the trash took itself out.
I didn't go to his funeral,
Didn't really know him that well.
I didn't cry when I found out,
Wasn't all that surprised-
He had been talking about it for a while now.
And we questioned, of course
But answers aren't always enough.
I wonder what was enough
To lead him there, lying on those cold tracks,
Waiting.
You said,
"He put his earphones in and closed his eyes."
My first thought was,
"I wonder what he was listening to
For the last time..."
You said you hadn't thought of that.
And I also wondered what he must've saw
Behind shut eyelids in an all dark mind
As the weight of the train
And the weight of the world
Trembled the tracks and trudged closer.
He told his little sister,
"Make sure they know,
I am happy now."
Maybe everything began to feel warm
Like the sensation of coming home
After years of being
Lost.
And I have to admit:
I've since thought to myself, many times-
"That lucky *******
He got out.
Certainly couldn't blame him.
Cause on the day that David died,
I was wishing I could join him.
On the day that David died
I was sitting sober,
Planning my own suicide.
Nov 18, 2014
Nov 18, 2014 at 10:03 PM UTC
You never told me your
Plans for thanksgiving.
Maybe you knew
By then I
Wouldn't be part of
Your family
Anymore.
Nov 16, 2014
Nov 16, 2014 at 2:45 PM UTC
Driving through these city streets,
And it feels just like floating on a
Machine cloud.
Like I'm high above the
Rusted, automated mechanical world, and
Somehow softer, warmer than metal.
These heavy gears, turning
Twisted up and breaking down.
Only to be built back into order
By bustling, stoic robotics.
There is a golden glow to this
Streetlight night scene-
I can feel it buzzing, a bioluminescence
Of evanescent enchantment.
It could be magical
A never-ending fairytale, but that's
Too light, for this reality.
Which is that I'm really just
**Strung out as ****
And society seems too much like one
Of my bad dreams.
Nightmares will always haunt me, and
This doesn't have a happy ending.
This world is too real,
I long to be removed-
D I S T A N C E D .
Take me to dreamland
So I can stay high forever,
And never
Come
Down.
Nov 14, 2014
Nov 14, 2014 at 10:12 PM UTC
I don't need to list the reasons,
What I need is a reason not to.
You've heard me talk like this before.
And somehow my silence seems like a bandaid-
Like maybe if I just don't talk about it
Everything will get better.
Maybe if enough time passes,
It will all, eventually, heal.
But that is ********
I don't need your permission,
**** forgiveness.*
My intentions have their own agenda
But it's never hidden.
Quite the opposite- I'm plain sight.
Don't have to wait for night
To let the darkness take me.
I'm honest, open,
And honestly I'd rather be sleeping
In a closed casket; no one
Wants to see my blown off brain bits
And some teeth meshed with leftover tendonis threads
Dangling from my severed neck.
But those tooth shards are smiling-
The bandaid has been ripped off
The time has ran out,
Sand in my mouth.
Dirt where my eye sockets used to be.
This isn't me,
This whole "life" thing...
I don't need to list the reasons.
I never signed up for this ****
Where do I check out.
Nov 3, 2014
Nov 3, 2014 at 1:46 PM UTC
I wanted to watch a movie.
Knew you would appreciate horror.
Figured you could use some company
And I could use a nice entertainment system.
So I drove out to your house
Where no one ever goes
Cause you're always all alone
And I felt bad for you.
We smoked a bowl and that was fine.
I was already strung out and we
Went into your kitchen
You gave me candy and a coke.
Downstairs you let me pick the horror flick
I sat at a comfortable distance
Across the couch.
You said, " Sit closer."
I could feel your loneliness
Burning through my skin with
The way you looked at me.
So I moved a little closer but kept my
Torso as far away as possible,
Kept my eyes focused on the movie
Even when your hand crept across
My belly, I was
Extremely uncomfortable, and it
Was not because I am self conscious.
I was nervous,
But not because I liked you, I just
Felt bad for you, and so I didn't push you away.
I should have.
Credits rolled and I almost ******* ran
For the door.
I knew you wanted more, you
Stood behind me and grabbed my
Waist, pushed me into your room and said,
"Stay with me."
I half stumbled and sat on your bed.
It was comfortable, but I got
Up and grabbed my stuff.
Making excuses as you picked out my
Pajamas, you said,
"It's a long drive, don't use anymore drugs tonight,
*We don't have to have *** if that's what you were thinking.*"
I should have left. I should have left. I should have left.
But I put the pajamas on, even after several sayings of,
"I don't want to."
I laid on the opposite side of the bed.
Said, "Let's go to sleep."
You pulled me close to you
With a force that was much more frightening
Than that horror movie,
And I froze.
Just like when I was a kid. I laid there
Let you touch me and pretended it was
Just another flashback.
I rolled onto my stomach so there was
Less of me for you to have, but you
Pulled down my pants and took me.
Just like when I was 7,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16
I told myself, "If you pretend to be numb
You might not feel so much pain."
Thank god you got off quick.
But I should've known you weren't quite finished,
And it happened again, at least I had
Practice giving in and
Blacking out-
Separating mind from body
And they all wonder why I'm so
D i s s c o n e c t e d .
You said, "That's the best I've ever had." They
All
Say
That.
I got up, got dressed in darkness with shaking hands
Searching for something to
Cover my shame.
Angry, you said, "You're just gonna **** me and leave?"
I just wanted to watch that movie.
But all I could feel for you was pity.
And I walked myself out.
Didn't cry in the car,
I never do.
At home I smoked
So
Much
******
That I really hoped it would **** me.
I cut 12 gushing blood gashes
On my arm, the first time in 5 weeks.
I deserved it, needed to be punished
So ******* disgusted by myself for
Letting that happen, again.
All my fault.
Just like when I was 7, and it all started.
Every single time, it was all my fault.
In the shower I desperately tried to
Scrub my sins away
'Til my skin was raw and red,
Wished I could blow my ******* head off of my
Broken body.
Couldn't talk about it for days.
Today I confessed
To a friend who said,
"*He ***** you*."
But those words make it too real
I cannot deal with that again
Not now, I am not a kid.
Adding 20 to my list.
Adding scars to my wrists.
How to tell my therapist that
Our year of weekly outpatient progress
Has been destroyed in one night.
Wish I'd died when I was 5
The first time I tried on suicide
It was the perfect size that I never could outgrow.
I can't believe I've made it this old.
A shattered spirit, hollow soul.
I wouldn't **** you if I could, because
You'll probably **** yourself
And I feel bad for you.
Cause you probably believed, somehow
That I actually wanted you.
It is only pity that you filled me with
A filthiness that will forever stain my memories.
Scrubbing in showers, but never feeling clean.
It's all my fault, after all.
Maybe I
Deserved it.
Sep 2, 2014
Sep 2, 2014 at 3:29 AM UTC
I'm shopping for a gun
Online, cause everything's that
Easy, nowadays.
Everything but
Life, itself.
See, cause I've searched for solutions
For so long, and this
Is where it all leads.
To this website that buys, trades and
Sells guns.
A shotgun,
Is what I'm looking for.
It doesn't really matter what kind-
Not that I know what to look for anyway.
It only needs to fire one shot.
Doesn't really matter how expensive-
I won't be needing money after this.
My final purchase, you could say.
So I'm shopping for a gun-
A shotgun, of any kind
Just to get the job done.
Cause it's the only solution.
I know, I've searched.
It lead me here. It all lead me here.
And it will lead me home.
I'll end up in the mountains-
Far away from my mother,
So she never has to find me.
It's not her fault.
I'll give my body back to the earth,
The animals, the plantlife consuming me-
And my soul will, finally,
Know peace.
Aug 17, 2014
Aug 17, 2014 at 4:43 PM UTC
*If God was real
He'd let me die-
Too much suffering
In this tiresome life.
He'd know the thrill
Is not worth the strife,
And all the heavy
Outweighs the light.
If I could feel,
Then I could try.
All the emptiness and sorrow
Would simply all subside.
If I could crawl out from the darkness
And beg for acceptance in light-
Maybe if I weren't so numb I might.
Hollow is this whole wide world,
Filled with greed and hate-
Crumbling around me
And they blame it on the plates.
Power and destruction-
I can't come to appreciate
What we have done...
To this place.
I am born of burdens,
I was born too late.
Missed my chance
So the devil danced me
To my fallen fate.
Held captive to damnation,
I will waste my life away.
Wondering- is this a dream?
And when will I
When will I, when will I
Wake??
Hollow is this heavy heart
That beats for needless, just to bleed.
All this screaming on the inside
Raised the monster, raised the beast.
How can I strike it down without
Destroying me?
I was doomed to rule the darkness
Etched in stars- the destiny.
If there is a God out there, then tell me,
Where is his mercy?
So alone, and I'll die alone like this.
So alone, and I'll wear it on my wrists.
So alone, everyone leaves eventually.
All things must end, except the
Great infinity.
So numb! And I'll keep myself this way.
So numb! And I'll **** myself some day.
So numb! And I've nothin more to say.
Yes, this will end,
Make no mistake-
You too will ache.
Yes, it all ends,
Not hard to break-
You too will ache.*
Aug 5, 2014
Aug 5, 2014 at 1:50 AM UTC