SadLittleClown - Hello Poetry

It's not black, like everyone tells you It's a very odd kind of gray With a touch of light even Some parts clean Some parts stained They all make it seem like a romanticised hell To me it doesn't even look like that To me it looks like home Familiar and yet so alone I see the sunlight and the floor The soft sheets on the bed The lines of lights that come through the door All the tears made the pillow wet That didn't matter though Once in a while I drive past that house I try to see my bedroom window But my brain just shuts it out It wasn't even the worst room of all But this one, was where I howled Memories are like a story A book that lost some pages Through the garden, through the hallway You go through all the different places Nostalgia and fear Are a combination with some monstrous faces During the nights I was afraid But the days Those were the ones that really should be feared Maybe that's why I now love the night During the day I always bleed

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Oct 27, 2020

Oct 27, 2020 at 5:43 PM UTC

What my trauma feels like

It's not black, like everyone tells you It's a very odd kind of gray With a touch of light even Some parts clean Some parts stained They all make it seem like a romanticised hell To me it doesn't even look like that To me it looks like home Familiar and yet so alone I see the sunlight and the floor The soft sheets on the bed The lines of lights that come through the door All the tears made the pillow wet That didn't matter though Once in a while I drive past that house I try to see my bedroom window But my brain just shuts it out It wasn't even the worst room of all But this one, was where I howled Memories are like a story A book that lost some pages Through the garden, through the hallway You go through all the different places Nostalgia and fear Are a combination with some monstrous faces During the nights I was afraid But the days Those were the ones that really should be feared Maybe that's why I now love the night During the day I always bleed

31

A never ending maze. An unsolvable case. Cries in the night. Cyanide should work out fine. Such a long time But I still can't see the light. So alone in this world I actually need the hurt. Suicidal as hell Ever since I fell. And maybe I will cry tonight Or maybe I will die tonight.

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Jul 1, 2016

Jul 1, 2016 at 8:02 AM UTC

Maze

A never ending maze. An unsolvable case. Cries in the night. Cyanide should work out fine. Such a long time But I still can't see the light. So alone in this world I actually need the hurt. Suicidal as hell Ever since I fell. And maybe I will cry tonight Or maybe I will die tonight.

12

I can't get up The struggle is too real Should go take a shower Wash my hair And it'll be fine. But the thoughts in my head Do not agree Stay here, inside you're dead. Stay in the couch It's safer here. But I wanna get up And do something useful 'cause I already am so cruel to myself. Haven't showered in days But why should I care about that anyways? Thinking about Sliding the knife across my skin Would it then be better within? No, yes, I don't know The thoughts in my head make me feel like I'll explode Help me, help me I want control. I wanna take a shower get out of this hole. I can't do this Not alone But waiting for you to get back makes me feel bad even more. I wanna do it for you So we can go to the store Go shopping together I want even more I want to lay here with you, actually smelling nice Because I feel so useless. Couldn't even do the dishes Couldn't even clean the house It's so hard for me Don't have the energy But I know that I should I just have to get up, but see, there's that problem again..

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Jun 29, 2016

Jun 29, 2016 at 7:20 AM UTC

Depression

I can't get up The struggle is too real Should go take a shower Wash my hair And it'll be fine. But the thoughts in my head Do not agree Stay here, inside you're dead. Stay in the couch It's safer here. But I wanna get up And do something useful 'cause I already am so cruel to myself. Haven't showered in days But why should I care about that anyways? Thinking about Sliding the knife across my skin Would it then be better within? No, yes, I don't know The thoughts in my head make me feel like I'll explode Help me, help me I want control. I wanna take a shower get out of this hole. I can't do this Not alone But waiting for you to get back makes me feel bad even more. I wanna do it for you So we can go to the store Go shopping together I want even more I want to lay here with you, actually smelling nice Because I feel so useless. Couldn't even do the dishes Couldn't even clean the house It's so hard for me Don't have the energy But I know that I should I just have to get up, but see, there's that problem again..

49

Sometimes I go back to the deepest part of my mind. Where everything is black and self hate is all I can find. It scares me to know that sometimes I can't control how my mind can blow into one big black hole. Don't start thinking, don't start thinking. Oh, wait. I'm already doing that. I can get so sad Not like other people do It's really really bad I can only share it with you. Always at the borderline testing out to see if you're still mine While I don't want this at all If I lose you, I can tell you, I will fall. Again, not like other people. With me, it's different and it will always be that way. And god, I can get so happy To the point where everything I say is sappy but that doesn't matter 'cause I will always be, at the borderline.

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Jun 29, 2016

Jun 29, 2016 at 7:09 AM UTC

Always at the borderline

Sometimes I go back to the deepest part of my mind. Where everything is black and self hate is all I can find. It scares me to know that sometimes I can't control how my mind can blow into one big black hole. Don't start thinking, don't start thinking. Oh, wait. I'm already doing that. I can get so sad Not like other people do It's really really bad I can only share it with you. Always at the borderline testing out to see if you're still mine While I don't want this at all If I lose you, I can tell you, I will fall. Again, not like other people. With me, it's different and it will always be that way. And god, I can get so happy To the point where everything I say is sappy but that doesn't matter 'cause I will always be, at the borderline.

29

No one hates me more than I hate myself. I wanna get up, get razors from a shelve. Depression hits me again sadness, is my new friend. Everything scares the hell out of me can’t do anything right voices screaming I can’t stand up and fight. I should’ve died the first time I tried. But they locked me up in a place so dark I could not breathe. Scars never stay, they always fade away. It ***** because I was getting better but I think I’ll stay in darkness forever. Voices come in, don’t leave me alone. I’m dead inside. Nothing but bones. Don’t know how to talk can’t communicate at all only through writing but who wants to read this ****

0

Apr 30, 2016

Apr 30, 2016 at 2:09 PM UTC

New friend

No one hates me more than I hate myself. I wanna get up, get razors from a shelve. Depression hits me again sadness, is my new friend. Everything scares the hell out of me can’t do anything right voices screaming I can’t stand up and fight. I should’ve died the first time I tried. But they locked me up in a place so dark I could not breathe. Scars never stay, they always fade away. It ***** because I was getting better but I think I’ll stay in darkness forever. Voices come in, don’t leave me alone. I’m dead inside. Nothing but bones. Don’t know how to talk can’t communicate at all only through writing but who wants to read this ****

25

Enjoying it For as long as it takes. Trying to believe you When you say this isnt fake. You mean so much to me. You're my hero, best friend. You have a piece of me. I just dont want this to end. I'm so afraid Paralysed with fear That you will leave me That you won't always be near. Because you make me so happy. Like I can fight the whole world. This poem though, is getting sappy. So I will leave it with these last words.

0

Apr 11, 2016

Apr 11, 2016 at 12:19 PM UTC

Paralysed

Enjoying it For as long as it takes. Trying to believe you When you say this isnt fake. You mean so much to me. You're my hero, best friend. You have a piece of me. I just dont want this to end. I'm so afraid Paralysed with fear That you will leave me That you won't always be near. Because you make me so happy. Like I can fight the whole world. This poem though, is getting sappy. So I will leave it with these last words.

16

I wish I could stay I didnt wanna go But I need to be home Far, far away. Missing you is so hard right now And the week hasn't even started yet. I'm so afraid that the distance will make you forget. Make you forget me somehow. I dont know how to do this without you. Seeking distriction Gives no satisfaction Because it's not you and what you do. Tears falling down Since I stepped on this train The pain will remain Until I'm with you friday night.

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Mar 21, 2016

Mar 21, 2016 at 5:35 AM UTC

Far, far away

I wish I could stay I didnt wanna go But I need to be home Far, far away. Missing you is so hard right now And the week hasn't even started yet. I'm so afraid that the distance will make you forget. Make you forget me somehow. I dont know how to do this without you. Seeking distriction Gives no satisfaction Because it's not you and what you do. Tears falling down Since I stepped on this train The pain will remain Until I'm with you friday night.

16

I tried to keep strong all day Had some tears in my eyes Pretended I was okay Although I knew you could see past it. Smiled when I came home To see my pets again .But first thing I did was get my phone To know if you are fine. I'm always afraid something might happen. One kiss instead of two Might bring death to you. Always thinking Nothing helps, not even drinking. And I miss you. I miss you. I kept strong all day. But now I'm in my bed. Without your soft touch And your warm breath. I'm so cold Yet I feel like burning Because panic is inside And I can't stop crying like a ******* child

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Mar 21, 2016

Mar 21, 2016 at 5:34 AM UTC

Staying strong

I tried to keep strong all day Had some tears in my eyes Pretended I was okay Although I knew you could see past it. Smiled when I came home To see my pets again .But first thing I did was get my phone To know if you are fine. I'm always afraid something might happen. One kiss instead of two Might bring death to you. Always thinking Nothing helps, not even drinking. And I miss you. I miss you. I kept strong all day. But now I'm in my bed. Without your soft touch And your warm breath. I'm so cold Yet I feel like burning Because panic is inside And I can't stop crying like a ******* child

22

Looking for a bottle Nothing here to find Feeling the need to get totally wasted Inside my head it's already a dark night I'm on my knees With a knife in my head Waiting for the voice To say I should be dead Please dont say goodbye Remember when you said hi? It was the best day of my life. Now it's me, myself and my ****** knife.

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Mar 16, 2016

Mar 16, 2016 at 1:31 PM UTC

Goodbye

Looking for a bottle Nothing here to find Feeling the need to get totally wasted Inside my head it's already a dark night I'm on my knees With a knife in my head Waiting for the voice To say I should be dead Please dont say goodbye Remember when you said hi? It was the best day of my life. Now it's me, myself and my ****** knife.

12

Living on the edge right now I miss you and feel bad somehow. Wanna to slice in Cave in, **** the demon within. And it's only two more days Before I get to see your beautiful face But it's too long And I dont know if I can hold on. But I know blood won't solve It won't solve how I feel right now. And death won't evolve It won't evolve my life anyhow. But I still wish for the knife inside Slitting my wrist, nothing to hide. Me in a box, carried away On my own funeral. I'll be dead soon anyway.

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Mar 15, 2016

Mar 15, 2016 at 3:25 PM UTC

On the edge

Living on the edge right now I miss you and feel bad somehow. Wanna to slice in Cave in, **** the demon within. And it's only two more days Before I get to see your beautiful face But it's too long And I dont know if I can hold on. But I know blood won't solve It won't solve how I feel right now. And death won't evolve It won't evolve my life anyhow. But I still wish for the knife inside Slitting my wrist, nothing to hide. Me in a box, carried away On my own funeral. I'll be dead soon anyway.

17