I don’t know why people think I’m upset
My ex is gonna get married and I am going to school
Financial support is just for fools who don’t understand that our days are numbered in this checkered landscape
Sometimes you might jump over a pond and fall into a lake, but that’s just life learn to swim for another day
Sure I was upset, but was is a pas-tense word
Just like the love I once had. It’s in the past.
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 8:44 PM UTC
At odd ends it’s crazy, seeing how we used to be
I must be the lazy one, always looking out at sea
You see I never ignore the shore, I love to explore the floor call it a tour
I’m not even full of glee, the magic is never as bright as it seems
You’re supposed to be my best friend, yet you’re gone cause of some salt water in your mouth
I want to stop the doubt but I recognize that someone has been influencing lies; Saying we’ve done worse things at one time, that She’ll be fine, and I should let Her go this is a sign
I sigh constantly stressing, I don’t know if this is a trial, a testing, cause right now I have nothing
This is harder than I ever thought it would be, this is the pain in my train of thought
I think about You in more ways than I ought
This isn’t about You though I am just letting off steam but You’re a main factor in this head full of dreams
Broken and bashed in my spirit is trampled, I’m left confused for this was a harmless joke
Am I just a muse for your little gag, at least I came to talk to you after the fact
But the thing that hurts the most is you lied, and I gave the chance yet you denied said you were gonna apologize together despite you’re suppose to be my ride or die?
I don’t know anymore telling the truth, I’m more alone now seeing the route I’m not being used these are my honest computes
In my mind the only solution is quitting this contribution .. it doesn’t feel like you’re the same like you’re not trying
And this is punishment or maybe you’re showing your true fangs, this is just lame and I don’t know why I feel forced to apologize constantly for that security without a gain
My circle is small, and I’m gonna close it, I’ll see your outside with the same face I froze with
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 8:41 PM UTC
There’s no way that my being is defined by clockworks, sure we see time fly by and things come and go
But my being isn’t defined by that amount I know, I refuse to let my time be dictated by the endless tick-tocks
I can decide when to face anything and everything when I want to, and that is not destiny casting a choice at me
Credit is given where credit is due, I have more things I need to do, and so little...
Time? No, I have so much time and so little freedom to get it done, I would love to sit and play, and laugh the day away
Although there is a balance that creates an income, of questions and I don’t have answers until I am presented
self-control: guilt, ignorance: awareness, doubt: confidence,
[I am going to make a lot of changes, sorry if you get left behind in the storm. The ocean is a provider, and I realized I haven’t been left out to drown...but to learn to swim on my own. I forgive everyone who has recently done things to me and made me feel a certain way. I forgive you but won’t forget.]
I am here on this earth, created by God.
I am here to live a life that isn’t just guided by Jesus, but to enjoy the gift given to all
I am here to make mistakes, sometimes I’ll fall,
I am a man and will provide and stand up, and be tall,
I am fighting so much because what I want isn’t mine,
I am going to get it soon, I image it daily
I am visualizing the day you might find me
Nowhere close to the past behind me
I am a being with so much potential
And will always be riding the flow of the ocean as far as she’ll take me.
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 8:38 PM UTC
I don’t think anyone takes me seriously when I say I’ve try to commit suicide.
I don’t think anyone would truly be affected if I did.
Sure a lot of sad people and only body dead, gone from the earth, yet spirit rose again.
Noise canceled in my own box, sly sleep now sneaky fox.
Two tails no heads, always at odds lengths.
Drowning in sorrow walked off the ledge.
I’m okay, don’t worry about me.
This is me just venting, I never get sentimental.
I want to get outside my own head, but what’s the point when you’re dead.
Is that too morbid, did I say something horrid?
Then I’m sorry you feel that way,
And here I lay.
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 8:32 PM UTC
The darkness clouded my head thoughts of sad misery casting a forecast of despair and mercy
I saw her, that night with a pack of many, she explained to me she wanted nothing to do with me
I chose this path and plenty of time escaped the gasp of breathes within me
The reality I sought out for was right beneath me, I refused to see it
I refused to know the feelings of the one I called home
I turned my back on her on my own,
Now I have nothing a black sunken hole, I did that to myself
I chose to take a path by sipping the poison-filled glass
How long will this feeling last? He said eternity
I would rather die, but she takes away the ability
I would rather really die, no lie; Is the fine line with no strings attached?
The pain is buried in my chest...the anxiety layered note shoved inside a bottle
I bottle my feelings every day. No one knows how I really feel...I lie, I cheat, I steal, I envy, I regret so much that I let it take me to the edge
I drowned at the beach and the sea spit me back out, to endure the hot sands, sinking on land is the defeat?
I asked how she was and they said it's a blessing she's feeling the best she can right now
Moved on in a months time why didn't I see her in my right mind
I refused to even budge only relied on resources outside of me
Listening to the voices of others as I lost my main focus
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 8:29 PM UTC
I’ve thought about you all day today,
This day is significant, it’s a special day
I made macaroni and cheese..it was my first time
To think I would have gained something more impactful than pasta
To think I’ve lost more than myself these last days
To think I could heal wounds with words and sincerity
I think I think too much.
With shaky hands I adjust the instrument of my addiction
Was it fact or fiction,
I breath in, in, in..
Eyes flutter as the waves of pleasure hits
This feeling probably is a better option than to slit my wrists
To twist my lips and take a sip
To sip my dreams and blow it into life,
You speak what you want into the universe and it’ll provide
You were my drug of choice, I know you’re no good for me
And thought I swear my lips will never touch you again
Here we are, I listen to voicemails hearing your sweet words caress my smoke
I am nothing more, honestly a joke. I claim I helped you when you were in darkness murk
Yet I am the one sloshing away, **** pathetic how I miss what this day means
Regretting everything, I hate this reality I chose for me
Your chemical abandons my brain and I hold my head in my hands
I cry, like a bottle of water splashing onto the floor
The bottle is empty and I am the same
It’s incredible how stupid I am, how I lost so much, and gave so little to the one I loved
I stare up from the bottom of the bottle occasionally, but lately I’m just drifting
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 8:25 PM UTC
I am too nice,
My strongest point makes me the weakest,
Regardless of my height, being too kind is where the peak ends
I don't mean by being respectful is where I've lost the fight
The scraps and bruises come from those beneath my mighty branches, those who keep taking chances
The one I constantly provide for, the one that see my bark as supplies, my shade as protection, my time as what I only provide
And I'm way too nice,
She knows all my secrets, how to pick at my wounds
How to get me to leak information, how to deepen past feuds
With more ammunition that I never planed for because I am not the type to protrude and push someone down when their lost or confused
See there's a big difference between helping someone who actually needs it,
And someone taking advantage of the help you give
It's hard to see the difference,
Like a misspelled word in the dictionary
Is that truth or fiction?
Is is reality or a depiction of what is being preconceived..
Those are thoughts I now think about as the text is being received
Her words and phone calls I can't tell why I feel so relieved
When I speak to her, even if I am being deceived.
Mar 12, 2019
Mar 12, 2019 at 2:08 PM UTC
Black dirt lays on my hands
The soil that lays there is where I advance
It smells, its manure
I’m the farmer, the one, the grower
I pick a plot
Think of thoughts
Things go by in and out of my mind
I’m stuck to choose where to plant the roots of time
My time cannot be wasted
Like the soil, the dirt, I taste it
I can taste it in my feet
The ground I stand on
Perhaps I’m the plant that my life has cared for
To water, to bring sunlight, that constant care
To talk, to be there, my life to cheer on
I’m but one farmer in this world of carefree
To be or not to be, I cannot please all, so do I become the enemy?
The land of the free, from which I stand all
Planted my roots, and that I’ve prayed on
I was born here, a seed like others that were planted
I grow out of the help of others, I shouldn’t take the help for granted
Though like others I may fall on the granite…pavement, blacktop, and sidewalk
I make my own way;
Things I may say,
The things I may do
I’m not a bad person
You can tell by the view
Well maybe if you trust me
I’m no stranger than you
Overall no matter by my color
A flower is a flower
At least smell it first
Judge after…
No, why judge at all
Get to know instead of pushing away
That’s really all I’ve got to say
Jan 28, 2019
Jan 28, 2019 at 1:55 PM UTC
Butterflies
This is something I'm going to have to get use to
Our memories fill up the shot glass so fast
I have to take two hits to clear the zone
Just to feel normal like I use to be
I don't want the taste to make a fool of me
But I'll still swallow the pain fluently
the bartender blended the drink "This is life when you're alone"
What's left to give when I gave you my all?
Why did I feel the need to crawl? To get on my hands and knees
When my best friend is the wall. I beg and plead
Cradling me from behind. As I reassure myself from the inside
I want to wander off to sea and drown in my sorrow. I want to die
Mix emotions come to me and collide on the side of
Why did I choose to hide...
Always running away from my problems is this the same guilt
I'm swinging carelessly in the ring, can't even strike or hold the hilt
I'm the pinball machine, motioning the tilt
Can I get an edge around this anxiety
Is there no other variety
I'm just sitting there silently sorting out my sanity
What even is reality?
Dec 27, 2018
Dec 27, 2018 at 7:57 PM UTC