I would have defended you till my last breath.
But you drowned me in your sorrow and your fighting words.
-t.s.
Oct 2, 2024
Oct 2, 2024 at 12:07 AM UTC
When you promised me forever, I was silly to think you'd keep your word
Because I was taught that those things should be felt louder than they're heard
Promises by their definition are strength and willingness
To hold your word up higher than your own satiated bliss.
I could never be enough for you or anything you hoped we'd be
Thought I was exploring the sand ***** but was really drowning in your sea.
I've lived in the shadow of your former lover which we both knew could never last
And still I stayed with shallow hope that you'd bring me back after each cast
The rhythm in which I write now is filled with chaos and urgency
To get out every feeling quick enough, grasping at who I'm trying to be.
The promises I made to you through letters, painting, and home baked cookies
Are the ones that echo in my mind when I wipe the quiet and slow tears from my cheeks
Healing, growing, moving on feel a little stranger now
Deep breaths, a slight grin and even a softened brow
Silly little me promised to always love you.
And though that may look different now,
I forever still do.
-t.s.
Feb 29, 2024
Feb 29, 2024 at 12:06 AM UTC
Being talked down to -
That never happened.
Being taken advantage of -
That isn't true.
Being stood up -
That's dramatic.
Being violated -
That's just plain wrong.
Being broken -
That's pathetic.
You put finger quotes around my word. The word I used to open up to you.
But oh... I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that you majored in my trauma enough to tell me my own history.
-t.s.
Feb 22, 2024
Feb 22, 2024 at 10:06 PM UTC
Trust is a tricky thing.
One person in your life can shake the ground you walk on forever without a second thought.
Your own anxieties bring insecurities that make you lose trust in people. It's not always their fault, but when those sneaking feelings end up being true, ******* it takes so much to come back from that.
Distrust and uncertainty seep into everything moving forward. You can't help but compare and see similarities. ***** the glaring and incredible differences, you will still find ways to not trust him. It's not fair to him, but you feel jaded like it doesn't matter anyway. Continue building those walls and slamming more bricks up there each and every time you have a concern, warranted or not.
You'll push everyone away because you will never be able to let go of those parts of yourself.
-t.s.
Feb 22, 2024
Feb 22, 2024 at 10:05 PM UTC
11.29.23 I'll start the story and then never finish it because there will always be more to write. There will always be more to our story. Or so I hope.
2.2.24 I started the story and never finished because missing you cuts too deep to write of our missed adventures. There are no more words left to our story.
Because it's not our story anymore.
-t.s.
Feb 22, 2024
Feb 22, 2024 at 9:59 PM UTC
You told me you loved me amongst the crowd of a Steelers game while we were searching for a hot dog and soda. Not the most enchanting, but perhaps I watch too many rom-coms for my own good. I think I've always just romanticized each aspect of a relationship and all the major moments based on what media told me meant the most.
Opening my eyes now, those special moments aren't always at a candlelit dinner or by a fireplace, many times they are at a cookout with your friends or the zoo with my nieces and nephews. The beauty of feeling something so deeply that you just have to say it, even if it's in front of a porta ***** at a church festival or the stoplight on your way home, that's the real love that people feel.
So when I tell you I love you while sitting on my couch on a random Monday night, know that I mean it. Know that every muscle in my body wanted to tell you because I didn't wait for candlelight or an array of stars, instead I told you in the most real way, our way.
We will still have those romantic moments on a boat under the moonlight or the fireplace of an old house, but we will also have those passionate moments where we couldn't keep our feelings in anymore and the most appropriate place just happens to be a crowded train on the way downtown and an airport bar. I love you and I'll say it anywhere.
-t.s.
Feb 22, 2024
Feb 22, 2024 at 9:55 PM UTC
He's gone.
And that kinda *****
He wasn't who I thought he was. He was more capable of anger and ruthlessness than I imagined. Saying things that tear out the most vulnerable parts and stab them to bits.
He was more childish than I thought he'd be for his age. He spends recklessly, doesn't have handsoap in his bathroom, and watches TV from a desk chair.
He was flaky and shady. Giving little information and being dodgy about his phone and whereabouts. He consistently cancelled plans and left me in the lurch.
He was never going to think about someone else for a change or be truly and deeply mindful of his significant other.
He had a sharp tongue and a hard head. If I didn't select every word carefully, he would snap and say horrible things.
He didn't let her go. As much as he would deny it, Priya still has a hold on him. He can't let her go. He would say terrible things about her and then also say I was like her. He would delete her messages and lie about her texting him. He carried through the trauma and treated me like her. He wanted a relationship to just pick up where that one left off and not put the effort into 'dating'. I was a continuation of his previous relationship - all the history but only the good person.
He was boastful and also self-deprecating.
He drank too much and smoked too much.
He didn't follow through on things he said he would do.
He love bombed me and then pulled away to where I felt empty.
He's gone.
And that kinda *****
And I'm sad that I still miss him.
-t.s.
Feb 22, 2024
Feb 22, 2024 at 9:51 PM UTC
My friends tell me it was only a couple of months.
I should feel better by now.
I should feel lighter and happier.
Some days I am and some days my heart hurts deeply.
I realized that even though it was only a couple of months, you were the reason I came back to this part of the world.
The part of the world when I felt comfortable in love.
The place where I realized that I could do this again.
The moment where I let love feel safe again.
After 7 years of self discovery and healing, I brought myself back to the world of falling in love....
and I picked you.
What a stupid thing to do.
- t.s.
Feb 22, 2024
Feb 22, 2024 at 9:47 PM UTC
Who decided that the top of the mountain was the goal in climbing? I mean, I guess I understand the concept of why but thinking more abstractly, who decided what the rules were?
People.
Just people.
We are people, right? Does that mean we decide the rules? Not always. Most of the time the rules and goals are set by the mindset of the masses. Whoever is loudest or has the most connections sets the trends, makes those rules, and decides the goal.
Why?
Why are people so looked down on for going against the grain of the popular mindset?
You go to high school.
Okay - that's the law.
You go to college.
I mean, I guess.
You borrow tens of thousands of dollars from the government and even private banks to go to college.
Well, I don't really want to do that.
Well, you have to or you won't get a good job.
Well, why?
Because education shows you how things are done and how to do them right.
Okay, I mean, I get that. But what if that isn't for me? What if I don't thrive from that and instead of learning and growing, you are just creating bad habits, watching your confidence tank, and thousands of dollars go in the toilet.
Well then go work a minimum wage job.
Okay.
You get a job. Or not.
Okay, I guess.
You work to save up money to buy a house but you still have to pay rent which is very expensive.
Well, I guess that's okay but won't it take me forever to save?
Yes, with the job you have from a lack of university education, yes.
You spend years saving.
Cool.
You buy a house.
Awesome! My first house! But I spent all this money that I spent years saving and now I am locked into this and if anything ever goes wrong, I'm *******
This looks like it will happen sooner rather than later with how cheap this house was.
Well, that's all I could afford.
Well, maybe you should get a better job.
Well, I can't because I don't have a degree.
You work until you are 70.
Oh yeah, I've had to give 10% of my salary to my 401k in order to pay for my future without working. But, inflation is a thing and now all that planning puts me back at the amount I needed 40 years ago, not what things cost now.
You move out of your house and into a cheaper apartment.
Well, I guess this is all I can afford at this point.
You live out the rest of your days there and pass away.
What a life right? Sounds like a book I would read - NOT.
Give or take a few privileges and/or road blocks some people may have, this is pretty much it. Even if you pay for the college education, you still don't have much of an advantage. You pay off years and years of college debt - so unless you make 6 figures, that will take you until you're 70. This means you will likely get your house much later and also just be stuck in the same ending.
Why?
Why is this the path we are 'supposed' to take? Who decided this?
We do.
Every day that we get up, WE decide our actions that day. WE determine our own future - not the societal mindset.
Sure there is more friction going against the grain. It's hard. But is it harder than living a life that doesn't bring you fulfillment?
Think of mountain climbing. The goal is to get to the top right? Wrong. The goal is decided by each climber. If you want to go to the top, great. If you don't, also great. Each climber has a different way of getting where you want to go - some take an incline (upper class, money, prestige), some people pay a guide (university education), some people drive (start your own business), some depend on others to carry them (disabled, poor), some are the ones who carry others (volunteers, charity, servants). No specific way is wrong and no specific goal is wrong. If your goal is the top, then to the top you shall go. Your path may have different pitfalls, you might go a different speed, you might die before you make it to the top; but some people don't even go to the top. Some people take their time.
My goal isn't the top. I want to live for the views as I climb, whether clouded by blankets of green or the most crystal clear blue sky meets the horizon. I want to find beauty in the little things around me, not just rush to the top because its the option chosen by many. I want every hammock tree spot, every waterfall creek pool, every season change from a soft layer of snow to the sloshy mud underfoot, every critter discovery, every art-inspired shot. I want to settle in a place that other might just rush by but only settle for a little while - until I want a new view.
People say that the best view is the one from the top where you can see it all - but I disagree. The best view is the many you will see along the way - the little details on each tree, each rock, or on the ground. From the very top, you don't see the detail - you see the bigger picture. I'm sure the picture is great, but rather than buy the print, I would prefer to do the puzzle - that would be far more fulfilling for me.
Jul 15, 2022
Jul 15, 2022 at 4:10 PM UTC
An unexpected trigger arose today. I won a brass mirror in a raffle that I was able to take home to use in my house. The staff helped me load it into my car, but now I have to get it into the house.
I helped my friend, who won a shelf from that same raffle, load it into her car. She took it home and her husband helped unload it and put it into place.
All of a sudden, a wave of sadness washed over me.
I don't have that.
I don't have someone to help me carry in the groceries, someone to sit next too while I talk about my day, someone to offer me a hand with the dishes, or someone to help with the heavy things.
There's some sort of double meaning there that one could uncover. How I not only have to carry the truly heavy things alone, but also how I have to carry the emotionally heavy things alone.
So much of my life I have been independent - practically taught to be that way from a young age. It was expected that if something needed carried, washed, or felt, I had to handle it alone. Typically I would consider independence a good things, but this one wrecked me. It reminded me of how truly alone I am in this life.
Of course I have friends to talk to, people who can help me move if planned far enough in advance, and friends who I can have dinner with - but every one of those things is circumstantial and temporary.
I consistently try to be comfortable with who I am enough that I don't NEED anyone but honestly, sometimes that isn't enough.
I may appear fiercely independent and self sufficient, but inside, I am still that little girl who feels forced to do the hard things alone. The little girl who was taught that help and companionship is a luxury only some people find. You can't buy it, you can't manufacture it, you can negotiate it. There are just some things in this life that alone-people will never have.
It reminds me of this movie I saw where the main character is so used to being alone that she invents things to make her life easier as an alone-person. Specifically she makes a device that helps her zipper her dress without the help of another person. Its so sad to me that the world and the way it works is created for community, its created for people who have people. True self-sufficiency doesn't exist.
Now I'm forced to sit here with this mirror in the backseat, reminded by it's presence that I am alone, at the core, in this world.
So I'll walk out of here, go home, and sit alone on my couch, eat dinner alone, and cry alone, while the mirror stays, unmovable, alone in the car. Like me, forced to understand that without help, you can never truly be powerful enough to be completely independent.
-t.s.
Jul 15, 2022
Jul 15, 2022 at 4:09 PM UTC