My doctor says that I'm too fat
He never stops his barking
He may be right at the end of the day
But despite it all I'm starving
I have a hole inside me
I used to quell with spirits
I stopped but they still haunt me
They'll **** me, so I fear it
******* used to cure this all
but no one could keep up
then one day I felt all yucky
abandoned all pursuits of "love"
I had a year way back when
Where all I did was party
I stuck weird things up my nose
But I ran out of money
When I was a teenager
my dad called me a *****
I got upset and cut myself
but quickly I grew bored
I drove fast around tight corners
to feel the breeze on warm damp nights
but today behind a wheel
I feel paralyzed
My doctor says to stab myself
so I don't eat too much
maybe if I'm smaller
I won't cringe when I am touched
But even as I sit here
and to food I feel averse
I know deep down inside myself
I'll always have this curse
I wonder what I'll crave now
these meds they make me sick
maybe just attention
will be how I get my kicks
I was once the right shape
it wasn't long ago
and even then I noticed
how people come and go
Will I ever feel full
to the wind I'm *******
I take up all this space
and still there's something missing
Aug 9, 2023
Aug 9, 2023 at 12:50 AM UTC
There's too much of me
So I slice into parts
Don't know who I am
Who I was
Where to start
My fingertips stained
a raspberry color
Let's cut off another
Another
Another
My softness dismantled
Set the mood
light some candles
This hole inside grows
So I must learn to handle
Those times where my head was held under water
Men dont give a **** if "that's somebodys daughter"
When all that you've taught me is I should be better
I think of my past self and send em a letter
The version of me that was put under ground
Carving into myself cause I cant speak out loud
Skipping breakfast and dinner or stuffing our faces
For some sense of control
To hope it erases
The feeling inside
that all that you can be
Is how flesh meat and bone
Hangs off of your body
When your own heart could stop
From barely a flutter
Flesh of the womb
Laying wet in the gutter
Taking what's ours
They go on with their lives
Resorted to tonics and herbs
Backyards and midwives
He said it's not that bad
you ******* faker
Beat in her face
Just to text her phone later
All my exes are crazy
I just wanted to bang her
Cut her down from the rafters
when you know what hanged her
It's funny it's sad
at the end of the day
We're in hell together
Across hot coals we lay
Dress your own wounds
Don't bend over for them
Instead let's
Redacted
Redacted
Redacted
Aug 9, 2023
Aug 9, 2023 at 12:00 AM UTC
Thank you to everyone who was receptive to my poetry.
I was going through a rough time and it was therapeutic, and your kindness meant a lot
I thought I'd update. I have turned a few of my writings into song form.
Copy the link below into your browser to go to my band page, if you'd like to listen :)
https://open.spotify.com/artist/5OYmH9C2DrXmnCtIu50B2Y?si=dCpOZkcLR5C2g229ELlNsA
Aug 8, 2023
Aug 8, 2023 at 11:36 PM UTC
I am woman
But I am not
Where there should be flower
there's **** and rot
I should be girl
So that you can nut
I should serve you ***** but never ****
I should be smaller
I shouldn't be louder
I should nibble and never devour
I should be young
I should do that forever
I should be stupid so you can be clever
I should **** you
But I should be pure
I shouldn't **** him though
that makes me a *****
I should be bald from the neck down
I shouldn't call you when I break down
I should be nice
I should be meek
I shouldn't cry and I shouldn't leak
I shouldn't scream
I shouldn't hiss
I should not explain why I still flinch
I should whisper
I shouldn't joke
Like every girl I should like being choked
I should be by design
I should be like a doll
I should know how to curl up in a ball
Aug 8, 2023
Aug 8, 2023 at 11:34 PM UTC
Some days it's going to hurt
Its going to feel like my body is a stiff, unforgiving cocoon
And my vibrant colors are trapped deep inside and aching
Some days my bed feels like a cage of comfort
Self soothing but at the cost of others
I **** on a pacifier at night sometimes
Dipped in honey
So I can just barely connect with my cousins
Maybe tomorrow I'll fly with them
Sometimes I get real sad
That I don't have hard edges, and defining lines
I have dimples and ripples
Covered in marks and scars and hair
Take refuge in a branch that appreciates me
Enveloped from the sun
Barely audible whispers through growing tangling veins
Saying I'm enough
But others think I haven't hatched yet
That I have work to do
A droplet catches
I'm sensitive
Sometimes I understand it deeply
as deep as I'm inside myself
Other days I fantasize about breaking out
Vibrantly, with elegance
But at the end of the day
Beauty, and what that means
Isn't exclusively me
or you
There's no right way
Or wrong
I'm not a project
Or an unfinished song
At the end of the day
Its every single piece
And when it comes to yours, someone sees
Nov 8, 2019
Nov 8, 2019 at 7:06 PM UTC
Maybe we were drawn together
at fragile time
We saw too much
and accepted this as a paradigm
It makes me sick
what made you tick
was justifying lies
Standing proud
your tiny shroud
your pedestal of grime
And then I broke
you made me choke
on all our little pieces
I spit and sputtered everywhere
watched them float into the creases
Meanwhile my masterpiece was
painting pretty pictures of us
Displaying them
relaying them
in all 4 different seasons
I showed them off to others
exhausted to the core
While I scoured
for our precious tiny pieces on the floor
You stood above me smirking
taller than the sky
You knew I'd never find them
you knew that I'd just cry
One day I just stopped looking
and now I know thats good
Now I draw the line
between I can
and when I should
No longer am I hunched and crunched
on my knees and on my hands
Searching through the carpet fibers
through the dirt
and through the sand
But there's something that I never knew
When I finally said enough
When I held my head up high
And decided to be tough
They said that you would lie to me
And promise to be better
They said that you would write to me
apologies and letters
They said all sorts of tiring things
That I one day saw as true
I didn't want to see it
That the monster was just you
They said that I'd be better off
Once I finally leave
But they never told me years from now
I'd still be missing parts of me
Nov 8, 2019
Nov 8, 2019 at 6:16 PM UTC
I've lived my life in stages
Searched the spaces between stars
Ripped out pages that I hated
I haven't gotten very far
But when I feel ages have passed me on
When I lay my head down to cry
I think of how you came to me
Straight down from the sky
This is for you
I stand front and center
Cherish words that you learned
by phrase and by letter
And I promise my baby it all will get better
If we only try
I am only trying to get by
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do
But just know in the end, I do it for you
You saved me, ornately, a tiny cherub
The weight on your wings I was unaware of
Nov 8, 2019
Nov 8, 2019 at 6:08 PM UTC
Admittedly,
I thought commitment
would be nothing but a figment
but instead of growing distant
I analyzed each pigment
holding onto hips
as well as every instance
biting lips at the thought of fingertips
heart eclipses
juxtapose
wrapped under the blanket from nose to toes
apposing clothes
disrobing
no need for them here I suppose
Crowned Bell of the ball
without a dress or even lingerie
Found a menagerie of reasons
that I'm at last able to feel this way
it's faultless
these pictures that my mind take are defaulted
on my mind most of the time
every freeze-frame simply flawless
I swear I never saw this coming
whether inches away or miles apart
distance plays no role
when it comes to matters of the heart
At last
demolition of walls constructed from my past
recognition of it all
wrapped and bandaged up my callused hands
Created by delusions
no tools of the trade
Put up an illusion
mercury in retrograde
I was afraid of moving backwards
but it’s simply not the truth
standing still upon my axis
time just stops when I’m with you
Never felt so blessed in deliquesce
I’m melting where I stand
watch chaotic messes decompress
each time I take your hand
locks tangled
curls are mangled
climbing
intertwined
can’t make out where yours begin
or which are even mine
I’m lost in it
the thought of it is nothing short of bliss
not even scorpius’ bright collection
could shine as bright as this
Lull to sleep in seconds
breathless
before it took me hours
I tried every single method
excepting magic powers
magician you must be
tricks that mesmerize
I’ll be your assistant
if it means I’m by your side
Nov 8, 2019
Nov 8, 2019 at 3:51 PM UTC
Shiver cold, where has my home gone
structure isn’t made of brick or boulder
its collar bone, bathed in blue light from your phone
tip of the roof, your neck and shoulder
I shouldn’t dare, without a care is where I tend to do the most of my damage
You learn to share, and separate the pair, they send you off hoping that you can manage
Flesh and bone and heart and ache
in it in the end for what we take
optic tract symmetry
all we really want is everything
We learn what we see and we don’t say what we mean
What a world full of confusion
squeaky clean, you’ve never done a thing
Until it all comes down to the conclusion
So take it in, be sure you learn to swim
majority of us are drowning
so come inside, I’ll let you run and hide
And teach you all there is to know about me
Flesh and bone and heart and ache
in it in the end for what we take
optic tract symmetry
all we really want is everything
Nov 8, 2019
Nov 8, 2019 at 3:43 PM UTC
I couldn't resist her
Her eyes reminded me of our past
she was soft and plush
but different and it was fast
You are everything
I want no more of that
It's not you
just a part of me that's bad
Why're you still upset?
you know you're heaven sent
But then again
what did you expect?
I could have folded
this entire deck
Things were difficult
things were bad and wrecked
after all is said and done, its fine
love is, after all, simply a frame of mind
love is at its best, out of sight out of mind
I couldn't resist him
his eyes were like a dream
words you said
bursting at the seams
You are everything and some
Yes, you are everything and more to come
And I know, that nothing could get between
my baggage so touch and go
maybe I don't wanna know
But then again
maybe it's for the best
better than I could ever guess
I treasure, my best and closest friend
I put my misery behind
although it hurts from time to time
after all is said and done its fine
love above all else, is kind
and I heard sometime long ago, that love is blind
May 31, 2019
May 31, 2019 at 11:34 PM UTC