I’ve told you the stories. The nightmares come real. You’ve met some of the people who hurt me. You have stood next to me when my whole body was shaking.
You have held me in the night when my anxiety arises and I begin to question you, me, us.
You have held me in the night when I wake up from the nightmares.
You let me cry, share excitement, and yell.
After everything I’ve been through you look at me and still manage to make me believe what you tell me.
Despite your knowledge of my depression and anxiety you make me feel weightless around you.
You have always accepted me as I am. No push for me to change. You tell me I’m beautiful, smart, talented. For the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my own skin.
Mar 30, 2020
Mar 30, 2020 at 3:29 AM UTC
Sometimes
We realize that despite our best intentions,
We are not made for some things.
More often than we'd like to admit,
We realize this to late.
Mar 6, 2019
Mar 6, 2019 at 1:04 AM UTC
The neighbors and family flow into our mediocre house and you greet them all smileing and joking. Voices saying congratulations fill the air with the intended target of me but before they even finish leaving the lips of gusts, you accept them and move on to the next group. Once everyone has settled down and is meandering to see people they "haven't seen in ages" you begin bragging about how proud you are of my accomplishments. Everybody awes as you take your time showing baby pictures and explaining how it is all your doing that I've made it this far and done so much. You begin pushing for everyone to leave the house, grab food from the porch area, and go outside into the hot sticky air to conversate. As soon as they are gone you close the door and I am snapped back into reality. You start gritting your teeth and yelling at me as quiet as possible so no one hears. First going off about how I was to quiet, so I was a stupid ***** Then what I said made me sound stupid, so I was dumb. And after a few other things came out you grabbed at my shirt and yanked down, finishing my yelling at with a comment of how im to fat and I need lose weight.
*
"But mommy, don't you love me?"
"Of course sweetheart. You'll always be my little baby girl."
*
As soon as the guests leave you have a hold of my arm, tight, white knuckles, instant bruising. You scream and spit into my face that I am worthless without you. I realize you're right. You control everything in my life.
*
"Mommy?
Mommy?
Where are you?
Mommy why won't you help me?
Mom?"
*
That was the night I realized that I didn't want to live anymore.
I walked up to you and asked you if you loved me yesturday. You turned to me without hesitation and said, "No, maybe if you acted right I would, but not today."
So mom, when you find this, if you ever do, please understand that I don't love you either, but I love myself just enoughenough to know that I can't keep fighting for your love.
Sincerely,
Your worthless, dumb, fat, stupid ***** daughter.
Jun 25, 2018
Jun 25, 2018 at 2:18 AM UTC
You asked me what made me like you and I lied by telling you I wasn't sure. I remember exactly when I realized it. I remember what I was doing, I remember what you were doing. I remember the small details like the girl sitting between us had brown hair, and wouldn't talk despite our best efforts to make conversation. I remember how the conductor got impatient with us because I kept turning around to talk to you and our other friend. I remember the exact second I realized that I liked you. After 2 years of not letting myself feel, you made me start to feel, so for months leading up to it I made myself tell me that I didn't have feeling. But darling, I remember the moment I realized I had fallen to hard for you. The way your hair had fallen without your hat. I remember the weird smile you had made at me to make me laugh when I got mad at the other girl in my section. I remember the way other people had told me on the side they were jealous of the love we had because they thought we were already together. They said you looked at me like I was secretly special. Eventually I opened up, layed everything out infront of you and you told me it was mutual. But we only lasted a little over a month because you weren't happy. I knew it and when I asked you told me everything was fine and not to worry. I believed you too. That was my mistake. I should have stopped you and told you that I knew somwthing was wrong. As soon as I found out you weren't happy I left you. You asked for my advice about why I would end it so quickly so I sat you down and explained it to you. How every detail was a memory I had, and that if you aren't happy, you should never draw things out longer than they need to be. So here I am, drunk, lost, lonely, and thinking about how im shutting my emotions down again. But you're happy, and all I've wanted is for you to be happy.
Jun 2, 2018
Jun 2, 2018 at 3:43 AM UTC
Please, understand I did not mean for this to happen
I did not want to leave you
I did not want to lose you
But I was mad
I was crying
I had the music as loud as it would go
I was driving as fast as I could
I was screaming his name
I was holding my stomach
I was remembering that night
The force of him pushing me down
His voice echoing in my head
His voice growing louder as he got mad at me
The pain
Forcing myself to go numb from the inside out
Forcing myself to ignore his request
I remembered the bruises on my body
The way everything changed me
And how you didn't believe me
When I told you
And now I flash to the moment
The rain coming down hard
The sound of the music conflicting with the tires on the pavement
And then, no sound of the tires on the pavement
Wind rushing past me
The impact like a wall
And then nothing.
The tests after the autopsy showed it was his
And it's funny how now, and only now, you believe me
But it's to late
Please, understand I didn't mean for this to happen
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 10:50 AM UTC
You tried to help
Took my broken pieces,
My bleeding wounds,
Heart strings,
And tried to glue them together.
I knew you would leave one day, but
Never thought it would be like this. Our
Want uncovers our honesty, and
It breaks my heart to see you go
Back. Back to the place under the tree where we hid,
Until the sun came up and exposed us in the graveyard.
Now, I visit your eternal bed under that tree.
I ask what you think of the new woman to hold my heart, and
Hope that you see her as I do, I hope
You'll know that she is the only one to take your place, please
Understand.
May 9, 2018
May 9, 2018 at 10:01 AM UTC
You told me you admired me for my ability to ready poetry with such emotion, but you didn't know I was using it to tell my story. You told me cancer was a ***** and for me to read about it to hundreds so I could win a medal was inspirational. I accepted your commentary as though it were coming from god himself. But the truth is, I didn't and don't have the heart to tell you the truth. I don't want your pity stare. I don't want you to know you're losing me. I want to spend the last of my days with you as you are and I promise not to say I love you because I don't want you to say it back, only to be forced to let me go. All I can say now, is that i'm sorry. When you find this, please forgive me.
Love,
Marie
May 4, 2018
May 4, 2018 at 3:33 PM UTC
But darling, it's not about me. It's about every day dream you've ever had in which you kissed the curves of her spine, and her fingertips, her nose. You loved her before you loved me. So when you seem worried about my heart breaking, understand that I only want what makes you happy. I can pick up my pieces and hide them from you. Just please, be happy.
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 11:26 AM UTC
Honey, I am not a book you can pick up and read at your convenience. I am not like a bookmark in the way that I will not keep you where you wanna be. I am not in control of anything you do, but when faced with the choice of me or her, I know you will choose her. She is your adventure story, and I am part of your past. Please be careful on your trips. I will always be in your hindsight cheering you on.
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 11:02 AM UTC
I am the kind of broken you cant fix with super glue. I am not held together with a hot glue gun. I am just unsaveable. Unable to be salvaged, you must toss me away in the trash. I am like a old lamp you hit when secretly playing ball in the house. You never told your mom about me despite how often I was there or missing. You took a broom and dust pan and swept the big pieces into the trash, but as you found the little pieces, you kept them. You kept the small broken bits if me hoping they would aid you in the healing you were doing but honey, all it did was break me down more. You were the erosion that ruined me. The stream that carved out so much of my center I collapsed in on myself. I became a sink hole within myself. It wasn't by choice. I wanted to stand strong. I wanted to prove that I was what you wanted, that I could shelter you. I wanted you. I wanted you whether it was under me on a Saturday night or next to me in the lords house on a Sunday morning, I wanted you. All of you. But you only wanted little pieces of me. And that's okay. I'll just be here with my chips and bruises, smiling at you in your entirety.
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 10:24 AM UTC