a month of crying felt endless
2 weeks of finally
being able to look at photos of memories
gathered
no longer bother and faze her
she finally felt safe
she finally could smile
she finally no longer thought of him
how is it that
on this day it hits her like a thousand pound weight
crushed on to her chest?
she can't seem to catch her breath
her cries are Lauder then ever
10 times more painful than before?
how can this be
to the point she pulls out her device
that can end all of it
she'll never feel anything
ever again
and at this moment
that's all she wants
relief from the torture
that her hope, love and heart has put her through
she opens he laptop
writes frantically
knowing it may relieve her
constant addiction of ending everything.
the writing only gives her relief temporarily
it's in her peripheral
it sits right beside her
the thought of her thoughts
and emotions
finally at peace
sounds so **** beautiful
Jul 13, 2023
Jul 13, 2023 at 12:49 AM UTC
So Strong
Behind closed doors
So fragile
Her heart made of crystal
coeur déchiré every night
She uncontrollably cries
Unable to repair her broken mind
And spirit
Heart in disrepair
She cries out loud
Wanting to be spared
Between breaths of air
She gasps
Secretly, wishing the next will be her last
She’s followed by many
She’s a lover of one
Lover of one
That knows not of this despair
Begs of an endless darkness
A peaceful darkness
To which never again
Be penetrate
Impossible to get to her
No longer here
Safe from love, tears, fear
Disappointment and anguish
Were love exists no more
Touches too far
Restlessness no longer exists
And tears will no longer shed
Strong and fragile she stands
Jul 1, 2023
Jul 1, 2023 at 7:59 AM UTC
She writes this in hopes that it’ll help her.
She’s tired
Tired of crying almost every single day and night
At the thoughts of him
The thought of his smile
The thought of his rambunctious energy
The thought of his quiet side
The way she was held so tight and close
all night long
That she actually thought she was finally safe
Even with sweat pouring
over the 2 over body heat
for some reason he never letting go
The thought of oh god what’s going to come out of his mouth today such as
“Time to @@@@ todays @@@@“
After realizing it was just infatuation for him
but the complete opposite of her
She cried ever more.
She couldn’t stop the tiers from running down my face
no matter how incredibly hard she tried.
What’s worse is she never hurd/known anyone with a similar name personally till he
Now daily
everywhere she goes and turn someone introduces themselves with his name
passing through their lips
She thinks It finally got easier as of today
She didn’t want to run
Cower away to the closest privet place and burst into tiers at the sound of his name
It only took her a few weeks
She haven’t cried that hard since her daughter was kidnapped so long ago
The feeling of endless downing
Like her heart was ripped out of her chest
Left bleeding without a care in the world
She’s thankful for the final lesson
The experimental joke since meeting on April fools
Yes that’s the day they met
The day the longest joke was played on her
What is the joke you may ask?
That you were just an infatuation
And love is only an illusion
She’s now putting those walls back up
With the determination like never before
that she will no longer allow anyone to pass through it again.
She will distract herself
Maybe travel the world
And keep love at bay
Take what she wants
When she wants
Without remorse, regret
And never apologize for it.
Tonight she grabs the bucket and mop
Picks up the pieces of her heart
Leaves disheveled as a constant reminder
Mops clean THE LAST OF HER BLEEDING HEART
And thank him for her last and final lesson
Jun 25, 2023
Jun 25, 2023 at 6:30 AM UTC
A lovers morning start with a good morning mon amour
from a distance
The only absence missing are her lovers
morning kiss
days so far
between tears and missing him
Thoughts of gazing upon his eyes
Are all is needed
Warmth of his touch
Fills her heart with loneliness
Do you miss me as I do you?
She questions her lover
Your daily words of comfort is all I have to grasp each day so desperately
The word I love you fall from her lips
But no ear to voice it to
Endless nights such as this
constantly pass them by
With out him to hold
without a place to rest her head onto
Without his chest putting her to sleep
as the beating of his heart sings her a lullaby
Holding her pillow tight as if he can hear her whispers “ je t’adore chéri. Je t’adore"
A tear runs down her cheek
As she longs for slumber
and the longing of him near at bay.
Long nights repeating
A lovers goodnight from a distance
Wide awake she lays awaiting on “good morning beautiful “ Once more
She’s left to fight repetitive thoughts of
Rose peddle she mentally pulls one by one.
Does he love me…does he not….
Does he?
Feb 25, 2023
Feb 25, 2023 at 8:40 AM UTC
At first sight
Breathless I sat as you walked across the court yard towards where I sat
Awaiting upon your arrival
I was in my confidence to your dismissal
In shock, breathless
Time slows
For all surrounding crowds
Seeming to disappear
As time went on
My heart never seemed
So alive until I looked into your eyes
Attentiveness captivating me
Smile so sweet and forgiving
My nervousness that which I could not keep hidden
Sitting across from each other
Even
Walking side-by-side
You were still pulling me in without a touch
Breathless still
When we parted
No kiss goodbye
But a comforting warm long hug to part
Months has passed
Still with a glips of your eyes
Accompanied with long kisses of hello and goodbye‘s
Happily I stay breathless
Jun 9, 2022
Jun 9, 2022 at 2:42 AM UTC
Sitting in my boudoir
I sit in silence
And still
I can feel your touch
I can still feel your fingertips gently moving pressed against my Silhouette
As if they have mind of their own
Still I see your eyes
Looking down upon me
With such tranquility
I’ve never experienced before
Till now I never realized we were sitting in silence
Nothing said from our lips
But through the comfort of each others solace
So much was said
Not noticing
the music we played came to an end
We sat in silence
Still without you near
I can feel your chest rise and fall
Still I hear you breath
Alone now
Lying in stillness
And silence
deep in thought
Still
I count every day
Still
I account every hour
Still
I count every minute of every second
Till next
The moment we may share
More time
More stillness
To be wrapped in each other
Silent and still
Apr 13, 2022
Apr 13, 2022 at 2:57 AM UTC
He held her
While sitting on the couch
She went to hold him
If only for a moment as she pulled away
Trying not to be overbearing
By her own definition
For she’s always self-conscious in that aspect
As she prepared to sit upright
And give him some space he pulled her back to him
cradling her
She was left speechless
Confused to his exchange
As he looked into her eyes
Making her sink even deeper into his arms
Gently kissing her leaving her breathless
She laid ear to chest
And all the wile
Her heart skips with he breathe
leaving her unmasked
to his surrender
Sigh
****** he help me
Apr 13, 2022
Apr 13, 2022 at 2:38 AM UTC
Solemnly sitting there in silence wonder why she’s hurting
Never crossing his mind of the paths she has been forced to take as a young one
In this unjust world
He has heard the stories
But never being through the trauma he can’t recall nor recite her tales
Leaving her lips to his ears
Defiled by people who were sworn to protect her
She has been beaten in relationships
With meaningless words
Countless actions
She has been cheated, lied,
Betrayed by her betroth, partner…her person
Still knowing all he knew of her story past
With all that knowledge
She has entrusted him with.
He carelessly let tears stream down her cheek
That he once made smile.
Alone in pitch darkness
As quietly as she possibly could keep the sound
Of her heart breaking.
She wonders and excepts.
Was it for good measure? Does her pain feel good enough for him yet?
Sadly, it must.
He once gazed into her eyes passionately.
Filled with hope and promise.
Some time ago, in her eyes
He was love, kindness.
Her impossible dream come true.
Finally able to breathe
He was her trust in its entirety
His kisses where falsely forever more
Where once he made her finally
See beauty in her own self
Only to turn
Seeing but fault through the same eyes
Actions
Words that she’ll never be left unsaid
Nor forgotten
An endless cycle showing her
her place in the world.
Nowhere
Feb 19, 2022
Feb 19, 2022 at 1:58 AM UTC
I run around
My day full of distraction
Just to forget
I get home
Reach my bedroom chamber
Please just forget
Felling a bit triggered
“Come on try harder”
I tell myself
To forget
Finish my rituals
Shower, brush teeth, clean face…
Hoping that my body has forgotten
I lye in bed
Close my eye
Tight with intent
To forget
As I squeeze my pillow tighter
I can’t Forget
The wanting
To be engulfed by an embrace
Please forget
The need to be held
Let it be faint
Away from my memory
My body won’t let me forget
Like a ghost that Haunts I can feel
The hair texture
On your body
Can’t equate the number zero
The empty space beside me
Breath in
Out
Repeat to one self
Forget
Nov 30, 2021
Nov 30, 2021 at 3:32 AM UTC
We parted ways
And said our goodbyes
Seven months ago
On the 39th celebration of my birth
Of all days
I now see
It was actually a gift
And I thank you
Only in less the a month
You had..have
Another in your bed
Yet on what was supposed to be
Our 3rd year anniversary
After our depart
You persecute me
I waited six whole months
To finally let someone touch me
To finally let someone kiss me
To let somebody so kind and gentle
Show the desire within me
Of wanting to feel alive again
You persecute me
You expressed your pain
In my decision to feel desired once more
You persecute me
And refuse to see the pain you’ve ones cost me
Over and over again
You persecute me
And refuse to acknowledge your own wrongdoings
You persecute me
refuse to see
the times that I have forgiven you
And still do so
Never once showing remorse
Never once asking for forgiveness
Never once giving forgiveness
I overlooked all the ugly in you
Always reflecting light in the beauty
You persecute me
But don’t know how to truly love
Love isn’t Boastful
Love is kind
Love is forgiveness
Love is pure
Love is messy
Love is unconditional
Yet you persecute me
For being wanted
The way a woman needs to be wanted
Persecution
is the only sentence you desire to give
Nov 20, 2021
Nov 20, 2021 at 10:42 PM UTC