It's familiar
Old and familiar
So old I forgot how close we used to be
This feeling
In my chest
Heavy, and expansive
And deeply overwhelming
I feel
If I think about it too much
Or look too deeply
I'll drown in it
My chest feels
Pulled open
Ripped out
Hollow
I have no dreams
No aspirations
Nothing to cling to
I feel completely Empty
If I was not held up by these strings
of Sentiment and Love
My earthly attachments
I worry I would drift away
Desperate to rest forever
And I'm afraid I wouldn't regret it
May 20, 2025
May 20, 2025 at 6:12 PM UTC
I'm tired
I don't feel well
I hurt
I want to give up
I know
We can't
We have to keep pushing
I'm sorry
You can do this
We've done it before
Why should I?
What good is it to keep going
And going?
Pushing and pushing?
Getting knocked down
Getting hurt
For what?
To keep doing it?
To never stop?
That is sort of the idea, yeah
I know, it *****
I know how bad you want to quit
I want to give up too
But we can't
Why not?
I don't want to do this anymore
Why do you insist
on making me?
Because of peace
Of the feeling we get
When the sky is blue
And the flowers are bright
And the birds sing
When we breathe
And feel okay for just a second
When we are listening
To our family
Talking indistinctly in the other room
And the music hits just right
And we think for a moment
" This is where I want to be
Maybe not washing dishes,
Or this rough patch of life
But who I am,
My values
My family being right there "
The feeling fades
It always does
I know we keep pushing for them
But I'm tired
I'm really
Really tired
I know
Please
Please just hang on a little longer
I think this time
Is different
This time really will get better
There will be days of sunlight
Just hang on a little more
Give me more of a chance
Okay
I will
I have to
But I'm so tired
And I want to quit
I know
May 20, 2025
May 20, 2025 at 6:08 PM UTC
An even push and pull
As if timed to the minute
Accepting it won't happen
Letting the feelings pull back
Revealing the pools
Of who I am underneath it
Then those feelings rush back over
Covering up the parts
I'm not fond of
Making me smile
Laugh
Feeling eager
Excited
Then it starts all over again
Just like a Tide
Nov 26, 2024
Nov 26, 2024 at 1:44 PM UTC
A place within my mind
Where I store a number of things
Memories that shape me
Feelings that carved their place
I put you in there
Right next to my mother's lullaby
Far from the bottles of different fights
I fold my feelings for you gently
As I tuck them away
Into the box
With everything else I can't bear
To ever let go of
Even if it hurts me
Nov 22, 2024
Nov 22, 2024 at 12:41 PM UTC
I don't know a great many things
I can't string a bow
Nor can I fly a plane
I don't know how to play Chess
Or how to bake a good cake
I don't know how to express
How I feel
Or why I feel the things I do
I don't know how to love myself
Or give myself the grace
I so readily hand out like candy
I never had good examples
For taking care of yourself
For finding the limits
Of how much you can give
Before you have only pieces of yourself left
And still I give it away
Desperate for someone to turn
And see me
Hold me
Love me
But I don't know how to do that, either
Love someone
Without imploding on myself
Ruining it all
I don't know how to treat
Another person so tenderly
I can always learn
But how?
With no one to teach me
I simply don't know
Nov 21, 2024
Nov 21, 2024 at 6:36 PM UTC
I almost forgot
What it was like
To feel this way again
Excited for the next day
For the days beyond even that
To be able to visualize
And see it like it's right within my grasp
Not a fleeting ghost of an idea
Tangible
Almost real
The sparks through my veins
The ache of longing in my chest
A reason to wake up bright and warm
To laugh and smile
To make an attempt
Nov 18, 2024
Nov 18, 2024 at 12:45 PM UTC
There's something inside of me
That is deeply broken
And I don't know what it is
Or how to fix it
I'm not sure when it broke
Or if it ever worked
But I hate it
My words and actions
Come out all wrong
I act thoughtlessly
Hurting those around me
Without ever meaning to
How they do not hate me
As I hate myself
Is a mystery
That I will never be able to grasp
I want to be good
Desperately want to be good
I want to treat the people I love
Tenderly, gently
Yet I never can seem to
When they tell me I've hurt them
I feel shocked
Trying to retrace what I did or said
To find the source
Of what about me is inherently wrong
Perhaps it would be better
If I was never around at all
I could never hurt anyone that way
But oh
If I vanished
It would hurt them nonetheless
How cruel of me
Nov 15, 2024
Nov 15, 2024 at 12:01 PM UTC
"It will fade"
She assures me
Gently, lovingly
For she went through
The same feelings as I
"Probably,"
I answer
Quietly, reluctantly
I do not want it to fade
These feelings
This warmth
It is precious to me
Even if this seed does not grow
Even if the tree bears no fruit
The process of planting
Of watering
Of tending
Is precious to me
He is precious to me
I want to keep these feelings
I want to keep my tree
Nov 14, 2024
Nov 14, 2024 at 12:29 PM UTC
I tripped for a moment
And suddenly
The garden in my chest is blooming
Though I am a terrible gardener
Purposefully ignoring it
Hoping the flowers and vines
Would die off in tough twisting shapes
That the brambles and branches
Might protect me
But suddenly
Every love song is about you
The lines I found no meaning in before
Seem to paint a play
That I would love nothing more
Than to star in with you
Suddenly
I feel electric
Like every strand that makes me up
Is squirming to escape my body
Just seeing your name
Fighting myself not to flirt
I've never understood these things
So why did it happen so suddenly?
Why with you?
Why now?
I surely must not understand
I surely must be confused
Suddenly
My mind, once again
Knows no peace
Nov 13, 2024
Nov 13, 2024 at 2:58 PM UTC
I'll break it myself
Before you have no other choice
Because the feelings won't stop
Flooding my mind
Soothing my thoughts
Like a cool calm creek
That I adore sitting with
And playing in
Yet a voice cries out from within
My voice
Reminding me
That these feelings
This warmth I created
Is pointless
That there is no world
Where another person
Could both know me
And still want me
So I'll break it myself
With my own two hands
I'll raise my heart high above me
And smash it on the rocks below
I'll sit
And watch the waves of my feelings
Take the shards away
And deposit my heart
Once more whole
At my feet
So I may stand up
And break it myself all over again
To spare myself the ache
Of you doing it for me
Nov 13, 2024
Nov 13, 2024 at 1:57 PM UTC