Olivebird
22/F/American
My name is Cailey Weaver. I am a writer, musician, figure skater, and neuroscience PhD student. My writing has gotten me through many tough times in my life. I took a break for a while, and now I hope to continue spreading words that make people feel.
You're literally a psychopath
For making me feel like that
And thinking that it's ok
And that I'm gonna forgive you
I'm amazed at the audacity
For thinking you'd do that to me
And not feeling bad at all
And thinking I'd still give you
The time of day
And not send you on your way
Like you deserve
Because consequences don't exist
And in your head I know you're sick
And maybe I feel bad for you
And everything that we've been through
But I'm telling you this is it
You're gone, deleted, with one click
Jul 5, 2022
Jul 5, 2022 at 12:04 AM UTC
That's all I want.
It's all I f*cking want.
I just want to be happy.
That's it.
That's all I pray for at night.
That people will be nice and people will be kind and everything will be ok.
The rest of the world just hurts so much, that I'll take any bit of happiness I can get.
Any bit of joy.
Anything.
Feb 25, 2022
Feb 25, 2022 at 10:57 PM UTC
Today is my first day without you, like really without you.
Before, there was always a chance, always a hope that things would be okay and that we would work out.
But today is the start of a new chapter, where you and me don't exist, and there is no us, maybe, or one day.
I am free of the lies you told, the mistreatment, and the disdain.
I'm free of the inconsistency, callousness, and pain.
There are no more chances, no forgiveness, or apologies to accept.
There or no more talks, or possibilities, or "just want to catch up"s.
Your power is gone, the one you held over me like a grim reaper, waiting for me to falter.
The worst kind of monster... Welcoming me with open arms, only to lead me down the spiral of insanity.
I'm done, and I'm ready, but I'm not yet okay.
But I know that now I can work towards feeling that again one day.
And it hurts, but maybe that's the pain that I need.
Perhaps it's just that which will finally break the cycle of awful, maddening repetition.
I know some days I will move forward and some days I'll fall back, but at least you won't be there to remind me just how much.
I will never again hate myself for letting you in.
This is not the end, and I'm so ready to begin.
So today I will celebrate your absence, as a never-ending holiday.
I am so thankful that I chose not to let you stay.
Because none of this was worth it, and if I could I would change so many things, and wish all of it away.
So goodbye, my love, the one haunting my past.
The one who appears in my nightmares, including the one I live every day.
Who's there to remind me that I'm weak, and I'm broken, and that no truer words have ever been spoken, except...
I'm more whole than you'll ever be, especially now you have to live without me.
Jan 31, 2022
Jan 31, 2022 at 8:16 AM UTC
It's my second Christmas without you. Well, ironically, I've never actually had a Christmas with you. Even when we were together, we spent this day apart. But still, I think of you today, and I feel your absence just as any other day.
Does it make me sad? Sure. You did radiate light once upon a time. But that was before you stopped caring, and before we both said and did things that we regretted.
In truth, we died out years ago. It doesn't mean I don't love you from afar, and it doesn't mean I don't remember the good moments that we had. I miss sparkle in your eyes and your gentle smile when you were happy. I miss your laugh, and your jokes. Your silliness, and even your arrogance sometimes. I miss your grumpy days, and how you'd shrink into your shell when you wanted to be left alone.
Because that's what love is... It's loving the good along with the bad. I miss it all, but deep down I know that it's not you anymore.
We aren't the same people that we used to be, so those arms that I miss today, aren't really yours at all, that smile that remains in my memory, isn't yours either, and the laugh that lit up my world, belongs to someone else. The memories are of you, yes, but that which makes my heart ache belongs to you no more, because you have not that to offer. You have nothing to offer me, just as I have nothing to offer you.
So I hope that today, you smile, and laugh, and that you have warmth in your heart, and that maybe you miss me just that tiny bit, just as I miss you. But maybe the things you miss about me aren't mine at all. Maybe they're just shadows left behind by memories of once upon a time.
Dec 24, 2021
Dec 24, 2021 at 1:41 PM UTC
They'll tell you that you're selfish when you finally let them go
They'll guilt you and they'll shame you for not caring
When you take control of all the things that you already know
And let go of all the pain that you've been bearing
They will tremble in the shockwave that you leave them in your wake
As you put the days you wasted far behind you
They will tread above the water in a panic of self-hate
As they realize that there's nobody to run to
They didn't want you, but they did, when they thought you'd walk away
But reality had never crossed their mind
That maybe you are stronger than who you were yesterday
So you had to leave some clues for them to find
They'll scream at you and say that you are wrong to block them out
But the peace is almost deafening to hear
As they realize all the love that now they'll have to live without
They will try and stuff you full of all their fear
So now smile. Walk away until you can't hear anything
What they say is now no longer yours to hold
So go off, enjoy the light that only happiness can bring
And let all the things that you deserve unfold
Sep 16, 2021
Sep 16, 2021 at 10:19 PM UTC
Why can't I let you go
Even as it's killing me
I just want you to know
You're everything I'll ever need
Your voice is in my head
When it tells me I'm enough
It fights my battles for me
Even when I feel unloved
There's something in my brain
That I never will forget
I wish I could refrain
From feeling all of this regret
And you're the only one
I can't get out of my head
Your laughter and your smile
Are what get me out of bed
And every time you leave
My heart breaks and falls apart
And though I try and keep you out
It's really really hard
I know that you're not good for me
This sick and twisted game
But then my heart it skips a beat
Each time I hear your name
You leave and then you call me up
After I feel ok
And then you leave and save me for
Another rainy day
Sep 2, 2021
Sep 2, 2021 at 11:11 PM UTC
Maybe I cry too much, love too much, and feel too much
I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable to talk to me
I can be too sensitive, I try, but I can never win
So sorry if my heart’s too big to fill the box you put me in
And I wish you could see all the love I have to give
Inside a brain that thinks so fast that it forgets that I am breathing…
And I know I shine the brightest when I haven’t got a clue
Of how whatever hell is wrong with me takes all the fun away from you
I know that I shine brighter when I cannot understand
How I can never fill the shoes you try to fit onto my hands
And I wish that you would take all the care I have to give
Inside someone who loves so much she forgets she should be eating…
Maybe I hurt too much, talk too much, and think too much
Perhaps that makes me less than worthy of the friendship that I need
I could call you up again, but maybe I’ll just let them in
The ones who treat me like I’m not a burden ladled onto them
The ones who hold me while I cry and think I deserve better
And ones who drive out to my house no matter what the weather
The day I let you go was when I knew that I was free
I knew I shined the brightest when I let you walk away from me
Oct 4, 2020
Oct 4, 2020 at 10:07 PM UTC
Your worth is not in other people.
It is not when you look most beautiful, or in the thank yous disguised as apologies.
Your worth is in the days you pick up the pieces even as they slice your fingers.
It is tucked away in poems you'll never share because they are too painful, and smuggled past the battles you win benownst to none.
It's in the tiny victories, and the small moments that mean ever so much.
Your worth is in the size of your heart whether or not others can expand enough to contain it.
It exists in the tears you choose to give the world, for they are gifts of the care you hold within you.
Your worth is in the sparkle your eyes hold when nothing can stop you.
It shines in your shamelessness and in your effervescence.
For nothing can take away your worth when you are priceless.
Aug 18, 2020
Aug 18, 2020 at 10:38 AM UTC
Learn to move on without an apology or an explanation.
Learn to let go without the closure that you deserve.
Keep your head high through the blows dealt by people who don't try to understand you.
Learn to be okay with people thinking badly of you.
Learn not to care what people say behind your back.
Understand your worth, regardless of those who take advantage of your kindness.
Learn to smile even when the tears are welling up.
Learn to respond with Grace, even if battles are raging around you.
Know who you really are, and be true to that no matter what.
Learn to be proud of your intentions, your values, and your feelings.
Learn that the future will always hold better things.
Know that good things will come if you put love out into the world.
Jul 11, 2020
Jul 11, 2020 at 10:53 AM UTC
If you live your life feeling like you're walking on eggshells and constantly questioning who really cares about you, there's a simple solution:
Instead of walking on eggshells, move them somewhere else.
Remove them from your life completely.
Stop caring about what people think, and start being who you are without being ashamed of that person.
Then, the people who accept you for that are the ones that you keep around.
I feel like life kind of got better when I stopped begging people to be there for me.
I had to start just letting the people who want to come as they please rather than constantly having to chase after them.
You should never have to fight to change someone's mind about you or have to give so much of yourself that you lose who you are in order to get people to like you or care.
That's just not how it's supposed to work.
Jul 5, 2020
Jul 5, 2020 at 10:53 AM UTC