Here I am again,
drowned in pools of fire,
I can smell the heat from here
inside the corners of my room,
under daylight’s gleam, midnight’s
solar flare
blinded by the star’s glare,
they say goodnight
i come undone, flying under her radar
flying under the stars gaze,
have I disappeared completely?
or have I been clinging to the poles of the earth too long?
do I freeze or do I burn
how long must I yearn for decay
for anything better than this,
I think of life when I think of death
I think of how I will always be more pure than her
and it puts a smirk on my face,
as I sit in agony of my dungeon
I have cursed myself
I did this on purpose years ago
i did it to save a girl i knew
and saved her, I did
she went on to do greater things
so as i realize this, the sun reaches higher into the sky
pulling muscles in my leg
getting headaches and finally I begin
how great it is to be pure
do they lie in bed together
is she chained to him forever
as I am chained to my loneliness
and my resilience of forgiveness
I don’t understand,
I will never understand
I can smell the heat from here
come back to me, one day
any day
I’ll always be here.
Nov 1, 2015
Nov 1, 2015 at 1:17 AM UTC
world's a hot place,
doing 90 on the road to Broadway,
what did I say?
where did she go
What do I know?
how do you feel?
do you know what's here,
and what's real?
you have questions about
questions for questions asked
to prophets and leaders,
he's blacked out in the gutter,
through the sewer
how'd one get to be so political?
one like me can't be so hypocritical,
you're skeptical like me,
anxious,
asking who do I want to be?
Where do I want to go?
I thought two years, hell,
no one year that this is what I would do
but the longer I go,
the higher I climb,
the farther and faster I fall,
(did I hear you call?)
I wake up every day late and
sweating, saying
I'm betting today will be exactly
the same as yesterday
I bet you're angry,
but today I was happy,
even if the farther I go,
without someone to touch,
makes me think I can do so much
but it's pathetic
(who's worthless now?)
2.
I went to bed wet and tired,
fired up and worthy,
watching videos til three in the
morning,
waking up at eleven to squeeze some hours of worthlessness
into my life
this is the second part,
I have words left,
you took my keys and never came back,
well I just go home and sit and pack
up all my things into corners of my room
while people yell at me in my mind
because there's no better way to pass the time than
wondering about the future
I wonder so much I've lost all my wonder,
I dream so much but I can't even remember,
I don't even cry anymore,
the sad thing there's nothing to cry about
so I guess in the future when I do finally cave in,
when the waterfalls flow,
then that'll be a real sight,
they'll turn around and say,
"Hey, did you hear that so and so made Sayer cry?"
What a pity,
where did my inspiration go?
the longer you go without someone's touch,
the more you love them so much,
you forget lunch,
you're the most depraved of the bunch
I hope you have a good life,
I still have words left,
but I wake up hitting my pillow
after remembering to release every once in a while
I have lost the ability to think and love,
that the only thing to love is myself,
I hope one day I am as unlucky as you
to scream in my head is a pleasure,
your affection wasn't a treasure
you are worthless and pitiful,
and I'm sure you can **** all night,
all right,
you can **** all night
and I can laugh at the thought,
who would have thought,
that you could **** all night,
all the way
until the moon sails over,
who's worthless now,
huh?
Who made the mistake
Who's head is in a basket
i won't be in a casket
and you can make a racket while
i swim in summer's breeze
(all by my lonesome self)
I'm the ***** now
Jun 27, 2015
Jun 27, 2015 at 2:10 AM UTC
there's not quite a feeling
like feeling
touching and bluffing your way through life
time is of the essence, but you have none of it
eight of work, eight of work, eight (if lucky) to sleep
repeat
life is a faulty alarm clock
it is against you and the rock
you've built your house on
I've sat in caves and wondered aimlessly
thinking of the rain and the wolves outside
they said to go up north,
**** your phone and **** your internet
drive until the road gives out and you come to a lake
so that you can bask in the glory of the Lord
The eyes of the doctor to the dying patient are beautiful
my life has been slow but fruitful
I don't need *** but I need money,
and hell, perhaps it's kind of funny
that I've been doing the same thing over and over
and over and over and over again
I don't have a car but I have a job,
I don't have a girlfriend or someone to love, but I have a job
and I can go a long time thanking someone
I don't believe in for my blessings,
the messages are gone when I sit upon my foundation
I listen to loons and the rain at five in the morning
that was a feeling I miss,
not the fishing line in the weeds,
but the time it takes to slowly lower myself
in a cage in the cool, misty
floating water
and perhaps the greatest things I've told myself
was that it is okay to die a ******
and it is okay to let people down,
and it is okay to let yourself down,
and it is okay apologize
and it is okay to sit down and give up
maybe someone to come pick me up isn't what I need,
but I can't break my heart anymore
it has become shielded but fragile
and I'm screaming at trivial things,
wondering where I've gone all my life
and I hate being so scattered,
as if nothing has ever mattered
(and it is okay to sleep too much,
it is okay to sometimes think of you
my heart, my heart
my god, my god
where have you been)
the words are soft,
they travel far and long
to every song for every boy
and every girl in this old world,
make music for the music players,
let me burst into the scene like an
exciting extra in a ****** film,
let me die in a vain way,
sometimes I wish someone would just say
the words and I could go
I could go because I always need
people to tell me what to do
Where are you? I am so sorry
and sometimes I just wish I'd get an accident
because I can't bring myself to do it myself
so I'll try to fall asleep to a film,
dim the lights and bring on the night
remember the nightmares, remember the childhood,
remember the prayers, remember the songs
remember the radio, remember the stars,
remember the hospital, remember everything-
that doesn't matter anymore
and it is okay to die
May 11, 2015
May 11, 2015 at 1:17 AM UTC
If I'm the first one out the door,
will someone stand up and say they love me?
I have been here many times before
I beat my self, emotionally, sometimes physically
what have I done to myself?
I scratch my hair and sigh a little
If I'm the first one out the door,
can I look at you, and smile?
"Stay a while," I'd hope you ask
if I could only bask in your water
but instead I float inside my own tears
(holywater/bornagain)
I will be the last one out,
because I'm too afraid there are people who
truly want me in their life
and through all the pain, and all the grief,
maybe it's ok, maybe it's alright
to go out on a walk at night
search for headlights in the distance,
since stars are covered up by clouds
and I am no longer illuminated by the moon
and maybe soon I can go home
where all the dogs and humans roam
just in case I'm the last one out,
and no one will cry in their sleep
I'll step up where I don't believe,
and no one will remember me
because they told themselves that this is not real
and I want to believe them
oh
I want to believe them
but this is all too real.
Mar 31, 2015
Mar 31, 2015 at 11:08 PM UTC
I would love myself
if I didn't find myself so inadequate
I would teach myself
teach myself to be more casual
the diamond in the rough
is the youth who had to tough it up
mixed with the blood
of drinks on explorations
explorations done twice,
the diamond is the horse,
the horse that runs fast and far
the man-child passed out on the bar
time is a *****
time is my boring ***
filled fantasies,
the diamond in the rough
give me grace,
or give em death
hold it to me,
or let me take my last breath
I would love myself,
if I was so casual
I would love myself,
if I didn't breathe dirt
I miss words
I miss words that
I miss words that were
I miss words that were censored
I miss words that were censored by myself
You're a stone,
I'm alone
what's the difference,
the circumference,
of my pride
(in a life like this,
nothing is worth a ****
I would love myself
if I didn't find myself so inadequate
I would teach myself
teach myself to be more like her
Mar 29, 2015
Mar 29, 2015 at 2:16 PM UTC
walls or no walls,
(take out cash)
walls or no walls
(break out, then dance)
remember childhood
(delete, and **** you)
remember teenage years
(you're still 18)
walls or no walls
kick me to the side of the curb,
let me bleed out while you laugh
laugh because it's hilarious
spit on my face because
it probably gets you hot
probably because it's funny
two times on the ruined field
frustration and ************ (both of us)
**** me with silence
while I search for serenity
walls or no walls,
deep inside is my soul
I want to try again, but I can't
and I can't make this any better
walls or no walls,
walls or no walls
walls or no walls
walls or no walls
when you skim down to the good part,
there is no good part,
there is no time where it is good
when everything isn't some
cry for attention or
****** pseudo-intellectual ********
you like to push on people
or at least I imagine you pushing on people
and I sit and try to remember that
this is not a venting machine
that poetry should be imagery
and metaphors and beauty or even anger
with imagery of the sun (walls or no walls)
and stars and how stars are
like the souls of people when they die
and we're all a ******* star
haha-haha-haha-haha
but that's not true (nothing is true)
I bet you didn't even notice
that I want to become what I never
wanted to become and I bet you don't
care when you hear on the news
that I was not successful and I
was not good and I had no more
imagery left no more imagery left from a few
years ago where I thought I liked
to write this stuff and I stuff my mouth
full to make myself shut up because holy Jesus
I don't want to be an *******
I don't want to be a horrible person
But I've already messed it up
In a month, on the same day, it will be our 19th birthdays
I remember I thought that was so cool,
and I wished on 11/11/2011 that we would be together forever
haha-haha-haha-haha
we will both be 19,
but I will not wish you happy birthday because
I was afraid you wouldn't either,
and you probably wouldn't care,
just like how I don't care about this anymore
hey, it's great that no one knows what they want to do, except you
except you
except your happy
hypothetical
********
marriage. (good)bye
Mar 26, 2015
Mar 26, 2015 at 2:33 AM UTC
hit me in the face with your shovel
your words burn
(I'd rather have the oven explode)
I'll choke myself on a whole pack of gum
while I think of her hands,
dripping like rain,
the rain that I have forgotten
the rain that has been abandoned
by God himself
every drip was one that believed it was important
or at least someone did
but it hit the ground like my tears late
at night so I browse whatever
I can to find people more upset than me
whether it's some sort of catharsis
some sort of coma,
I sit down and contemplate,
breathe in, and breathe in, and breathe in
don't sit back,
acknowledge me the way I wanted to be ignored
there's no shame in giving up,
everyone does one time or another
are you worried?
are you crying yet?
I keep telling myself I did nothing wrong
move away
I have a pair,
I promise
I won't give up this time
I've tried as hard as I could
(you have nothing to complain about)
one day you'll throw me out, like how
they always throw me out
and I will fall from the sky
even if you want to take me back in
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 12:26 AM UTC
"I want to travel,"
She said , perhaps a little tipsy, under the weather
and cold
*Yes, I'd love to travel too. Climb the mountains,
swim the seas, just like you'd do*
"Promise me you'll always have my back.
I have yours,"
she said, sitting on the bench
eating lunch while I saw and stared
at the grey sky
I'll always have your back
"The cold weather always makes me depressed,"
she said, caring for her mother, thinking about
her brother, lying on her bed
The Winter isolates all of us
(but perhaps the four seasons traps me
all the time.
"I can't believe it's almost over,"
she said, in dress, sitting atop
the bar, on top of the world
couldn't tell if she was happy,
or if she was sad,
but it was spring, and spring was
Good
Don't worry
There is no cause for alarm,
there is no cause for alarm
there is no cause
no cause
"I think I love him,"
she said, head on his shoulder
my face in my pillow
glass shatters,
I always had your back
There is no cause for alarm
no cause for thoughtless thoughts
I can't stand here longer
than I had before
"How are you?"
She never said
lying on her bed
"I want a car crash,"
I thought, for the millionth time
"I hope you're happy.
I'm not"
Feb 7, 2015
Feb 7, 2015 at 9:50 PM UTC
scorched snake on scorched earth,
why do my thoughts decide my worth?
time flies and time dies
when she cries tress fall
in August after
remembrances of summer days
that burned away on cold spells
bleeding roses on a thorny bush
why must she forget to push?
there's no other scream to cry
or alibi for sad men in the gutter
(she was what I wanted not,
she was what I never got)
and with some soup on a Friday night,
that I forgot, cold, waiting- -
just like me
so come and see, my empty heart
on display as the kids play in the cold playground
with snow all around them,
laughing, without thought, without a made up mind
just innocence, and I try to crack a smile
for I always hate what I never had, and never will have,
and I maybe I'll give up this time
('away,' she mocks me, 'away'
and I always go, for you, always)
Feb 2, 2015
Feb 2, 2015 at 12:11 AM UTC
the idea is so foreign to me
so unaware, so pure
so ***** so clean
under the starlight which she praised
on sunny days of nostalgia and honey
she came to me the next day to say hello
but she never said good-bye
and partially it was my fault
but partially it was her's
everyone had their beautiful intimate moments
everyone I knew
they all complained and cried
and some of them said they would even die
but who am I to judge
the closest thing I ever had was far away
and now she's even farther.
when I think about going back in time
to change so many little things
I think of the sad times
the crippling times
since they've been so abundant
and maybe the idea is so foreign to me
that it's a dream I cannot remember
that it's in a place unrecorded
not written down
a town in the middle of nowhere
somewhere I need to disappear completely
somewhere I finally need to see
a few years ago I'd breathe in the sea
and the sea would breathe in me
when I believe the time has come
I will think of her and colors
caused by oil on the pavement
explode in my head
and I dream forever, and ever
Dec 26, 2014
Dec 26, 2014 at 1:19 AM UTC