I am so very extremely depressed
I want to sleep but I'm way too stressed
I try to talk with friends and with fam
But they seem to think that I don't give a ****
They call me lazy, heartless and dull
I've stopped eating food; they just think that I'm full
My arms are restless, I kick in the night
Can't someone tell me what I'm supposed to fight?
I wait for the next day, and the next, and the next
Waiting for when I finally breathe my last
And then it occurs to me; why hadn't I seen it?
I have the power to **** and destroy it
Tell me one reason that suicide is bad
Besides the fact that it'd drive others mad
I should be concerned with the rest, but I can't
Just let me be selfish and let me rant
I want to die and I want to die now
The only question left to consider is: how?
May 14, 2020
May 14, 2020 at 2:22 AM UTC
I’v started speaking like you. I’m using terms that only could have originated from you. I talk and I hear your voice. You never left me. You speak through my lips. You come at the world with a cutting sarcasm that people only find cute because they hear it from an innocent, naive young lady. A child.
No one took me seriously except for you. Everyone thought I was golden, but you saw me for how I really was. Gray, sprinkled in the ashes of my mistakes and dusted with the pieces of regret and cowardice that I foolishly hoped would just blow away in the wind. Instead they clung to me as easily as I clung onto your affections.
You changed me in ways that I didn’t want to admit. I thought of myself as my own person, and you agreed with me, but you knew you were changing me. You were selfish that way, no matter how much you tried to convince yourself that you weren’t. You’d lie to yourself in saying that you cared about me, and my future, and my well being. You wanted me; you wanted all of me, no matter how you got it.
I’ve known this since the beginning, however. I knew you’d ruin me, but I went along with it anyway.
Because despite the hurt and the loss I’ve experienced in our relationship, it was a relationship.
I felt. I felt so much when I was with you. I hurt, I cried, yes, but I also laughed, and I smiled, and I gasped and I sighed and I keened.
I wish I could forget everything that happened between us, but I also really don’t.
And isn’t that just so unfair.
Mar 8, 2020
Mar 8, 2020 at 10:41 PM UTC
Sacrifice and solitude
Her brush and her spray
She pulls her flock with soft fingers
And smiles as she plays
And she loves them
And they come
And they shatter the barriers
Only to build their own
And they hold her down
And she let's them
And it's her fault
It's her responsibility
It's her curse
It's her duty
It's her blessing
It's her privilege
It's her job
And her pay is a memory
And her pay is a passion play
And her pay should be enough for her
Oct 4, 2018
Oct 4, 2018 at 12:45 AM UTC
If nda feel lonely, kinda feel sad, kinda feel alone and briken and empty and tueres a blacj hole. And itd be interesring if it wasnt so imposing . Its nit the wine talking. The wine is there to enhance what was alreadt present. Theres just. Nothing.
Dec 31, 2017
Dec 31, 2017 at 9:34 PM UTC
I'm scared.
This whole time, I've been denying
Holding in my emotions
If I lie to myself, it'd become real,
No?
**** me.
Is it obvious to everyone else?
To you?
Should I be taking any more precautions?
Like I could hide anything from you.
Our bond is too strong now, too synced
Vicious emotion rips through me
Everything is ruined.
Dec 4, 2017
Dec 4, 2017 at 1:49 AM UTC
I scalded my tongue on the dish that was set in front of me with concern
The next bite was heading quick towards my mouth before I even considered the burn
With thoughtless movement I continued to swallow and tried thinking of nothing at all
But even the mindless act couldn't distract from the hate and the pain of it all
What else could I do? I wouldn't just stop living life even though I felt sick
And the funny thing was you were the one who told me my existence was worth it
You held my hand when my heart was broken and all of me shattered to pieces
Told me that I would one day find the one who would treat me as I should be treated
You gave me comfort when I was the lowest and distracted me from the pain
So excuse me if I've a hard time understanding how you could have done me the same
Would you give me a reason? At least a small clue? An explanation for all that you've done?
This is my life that we're talking about, not another game of yours to be won
I guess I should have seen this coming, you were never one to commit
So tell me this, since you've done what you've intended and left me behind:
Was it worth it?
Nov 26, 2017
Nov 26, 2017 at 4:01 AM UTC
Strange to sleep with the closet open.
Nothing significant to anyone else; just a lazy side effect of wanting to sleep too soon, perhaps. But to me, it holds plenty significance. Much more than I'd be comfortable admitting.
It's a testament to how much you have changed me. From wanting to please everyone and keep the peace, to exploring what it means to contribute my humanity, as opposed to my roboticism. The simple act of leaving my door open - a door I had closed for so many years, at first for fear of attack, and later for the illusion of perfection and organization - reminds me that if you had never shared the symbolism of your own door, I would have never changed. I would, likewise, always be closed. And it hurts that now the one person that I always opened my door to has shut me out.
Nov 22, 2017
Nov 22, 2017 at 4:24 PM UTC
When I say I'll fix it, I don't mean for you.
Everything about me burns, but not with passion. It's a slow burn, like one would expect from a lit stove, or car engine. Not all consuming, but enough to make you uncomfortably warm.
It cooks my speech. Flays my sight. Promises blankets of solace, and instead delivers smothering tendrils of smoke. Touch my cheek. Rest your observations on the pink that seemingly speaks in demure humility. I am not willing.
I am heated.
Nov 21, 2017
Nov 21, 2017 at 2:09 AM UTC
Of course I remember yesterday
It's not as if it was so far away
It's just that nothing I know now seems to matter
Because I won't believe it
I can't live like how I lived before you
Everything else is dust in the wind
The things I planned for
Things I longed for
I don't even care if none of it's true
You took my will and twisted it
You stole my motivation
There is no purpose, no more goals
No more cause for celebrations
I want to live again or die
But coasting here is torture
There's nothing here
Will never be
And if someone will ask of me
To give of me
To take from me
I couldn't say no because there is no reason to be or not to be
Nov 18, 2017
Nov 18, 2017 at 1:29 PM UTC
I want to lie in my bed
And never wake up again
These voices in my head
Talk but never listen
I feel my body shiver
From all the screams I hold inside
There’s no more motivation
But I want to live, not just survive
I can sense the tears he cries
And feel the pain he tries biting down
I’m powerless to help him
So I cry too and watch him drown
He’s everything I am inside
And as he suffers from the pain
I’m too cowardly to tell him
That I am just the same
Does he feel the same electric pulse?
Does he also want to die?
Does he close his door at night
So that no one sees him cry?
He won’t admit to anyone
He thinks he hides it well
Maybe I am just like him
Maybe everyone can tell
Nov 17, 2017
Nov 17, 2017 at 1:57 AM UTC