“i want to cry. i want to throw up. i want you to leave me alone. i don’t want you gone. i am just so torn apart by everything it hurts so bad. why do you get to haunt me like this.”
“i started sleeping with the lights off again. i thought i was over that but i guess i’m not. i’m still here, sitting in the dark. alone.”
“you didn’t even give it time or come to me like a real person, you just KEPT saying it was fine when it wasn’t. you led to your own downfall”
“i don’t want that. i don’t want to die with a what if. and i really don’t want to live with one.”
“i think that’s why i’m obsessing so hard. i don’t want to lose what i’ve already lost“
May 3, 2022
May 3, 2022 at 7:02 AM UTC
I have held the same beliefs about love
since I was 16:
one may be able to choose who to love
but once you fall,
you cannot choose to stop.
Someone asked me to stop loving them
I told them i couldn’t, but then i did
you asked me to stop loving you
i tried
but i cant
May 3, 2022
May 3, 2022 at 6:47 AM UTC
He is new
He is kind
He is caring
He makes sense
In a way that you never did
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 11, 2020 at 3:51 PM UTC
Life as I know it
has changed
ripped away from me like a child's toy
for one reason or another
they want to find out how we live
how we breathe
what our land holds
they simply want a new place to sleep
a new spot to lay their heads
one more dot on the map
They want to know how our god judges our actions and
oh
do we have a god and who are they
ar they the same as theirs because only their god matters
they are white so they are right
they want a say in who leads
they want us
They took a queen from Hawaii
Staked a claim in Canada
and oh
thirteen colonies
on the North American continent
we've been pushed down and bruised
given nothing to lose because
it's all being taken from us
Apr 10, 2020
Apr 10, 2020 at 10:02 PM UTC
This world disgusts me
This world disgusts me because
when I see my best guy friend cry
I get weirded out
Not because guys crying is weird
but because I've always been told
they don't
this world disgusts me because
when I mention to my brother
that girls liking girls
is okay
he lists all the reasons
Jesus says it isn't
This world disgusts me because
I have to text one of my best friends
and make sure she ate today
because she wants to lose
ten pounds
and she'd give anything to do that
This world disgusts me because
when I sit in my
French class
and the teacher makes eye contact with me
and sees that I am crying
he keeps teaching, parce que c'est la vie
This world disgusts me because
when my chemistry teacher
looked at me and my friend goofing around
he assumes we don't feel the "academic stress"
when I cry over my grades three times a week
but he didn't ask me about that
This world disgusts me because
my brother, the same one as before,
refuses to call someone
we know
by their chosen name and pronouns
because "it's a free country"
This world disgusts me because
when I switch effortlessly between
sobbing and looking fine
my teacher calls me
"The finest actress he's ever seen" but
doesn't ask why I hide my emotions so easily
Disgusting
Apr 5, 2020
Apr 5, 2020 at 2:46 AM UTC
I finally got
My drops of blood
They didn't prove anything to me
I wanted to know that I was alive
To know that I was here
But they mean nothing
Besides that I am weak.
I am weak when you called me strong.
I am broken when you loved me whole.
Apology after apology
I regretted it, but I continued
One line right after the other
Red dash marks appearing on my skin
I wanted them to prove my existence
But they really just proved my fragility
Mar 19, 2020
Mar 19, 2020 at 5:44 AM UTC
You made me love you
So now face the consequences
You made me love you
so face the storm that rages when you make me stop
Mar 10, 2020
Mar 10, 2020 at 2:24 AM UTC
I don't have the energy to hurt over you anymore
It's only been three days
And I'm more exhausted than I ever knew I could be
More exhausted than completely exhausted
My heart hurts
I don't know if that's the
160 mg of caffeine I drank this morning
To help me get through the day because I only slept two hours last night
Because I was crying for five over you
Or if that's the
the way you made me hold your hand this morning
so that I wouldn't hurt myself
Just because I was talking to you face to face
Or maybe its because
You called me "Love" again over text
right after the last class of the day ended
and spun me into yet another
anxiety attack, just by existing and calling me a term of endearment
I don't have the energy to hurt over you anymore
but I'm letting myself
I'm texting you, and I don't know why
But it's only been three days and I am so SO exhausted
Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 7:30 PM UTC
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a new one.
A nail file
against my knuckles
sawing back and forth at the skin
hoping for even a drop of blood
To show that
I AM REAL
I am alive...
Because I need a sign, something besides the tears...
I can't find the pencil sharpener
So
Tonight's method
Of self-inflicted pain
is a nail file
Against my knuckles. Backandforthbackandforth
No blood yet...
keep going
Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 2:52 AM UTC
Four days before you broke up with me
you emailed me
"I love you a lot I love you so so so so so so so so much"
No, that's not an exaggeration
That is exactly what you said
I fell so hard for you
Three days before you broke up with me
you told me
"I only want you"
and I said that I only wanted you
And god, I did
I do.
Two days before you broke up with me
You said I wasn't your second choice
and that you "never wanted" me "to feel that way"
And I apologized
for feeling
and telling you exactly what I was feeling
One day before you broke up with me
you kissed me
and smiled
And I smiled right back at you
But I sobbed that night because
she posted about you
The day you broke up with me
We sat next to each other
And we smiled
while my friend recorded us
being simply happy
and in love
Four hours before you broke up with me
You made out with me
I wore your hat
and you gave me three
Blue Raspberry Jolly Ranchers
and laughed at my blue tongue
When you broke up with me
You cried
Looked me in the eyes
and said
"I can't say I see a future with you"
So I stood up, walked away, eyes dry
And sobbed when I got home.
And sobbed the next day.
And sobbed two days later.
And wrote this poem
while sobbing
Because I needed to tell someone
Eight hours after you broke up with me
You told me you still loved me
But you hadn't seen a future with me
recently
How long has it been? Since you love her more
I think I'm going to hurt myself
Are you reading this?
Fevaeaiky?
Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 2:08 AM UTC