How would it be when you visited me to bring food? I thought on the plane as I landed home. To pass time, I put my bedsheets in the washing machine. Taking out the trash, I started feeling empty. The empty hallway of my apartment waited for you, I waited for you too. You appearing under the golden light front my door with a cheesy smile, holding white plastic bags. Our eyes scanning each other for the smallest changes, things that we wouldn’t speak about during our calls. I notice the longing in your eyes. To be honest, I was scared of staring back into your eyes. A bit of awkwardness, maybe a bit of embarrassment. It's funny how we know each other so well but seeing each other across from the room
our eyes crossing but feeling too embarrassed to stare
not being able to touch each other
we suddenly feel so different. so separate, strangers.
in my head, I thought: what if I look at him and his eyes don’t look back?
Jul 17, 2023
Jul 17, 2023 at 6:12 PM UTC
When I told them, blank stares
But I heard behind my back
"He knows" - they pointed at my only friend
But no one cared to ask
Me - It seemed like he had friends to tell
That would go with him through hell
Those that never cared to help
me, or even listen.
When I was weak, no one reached an arm
but did I extend mine?
I must have forgotten. I wish I had.
Today, they apologize
Don't you think it's too late?
Jul 17, 2023
Jul 17, 2023 at 6:08 PM UTC
i step into the shower
picking shards of glass off my palms
delicately undress the wounds on my legs
cold water pours
i rest my purple, ****** fingers against the shower stall
and douse myself in rose-scented soap
scrubbing what skin remained
see my black eyes in the broken mirror
as i wipe my face off.
an arsenal to fix the mess.
loving arms wait outside the door
but my cold hands tremble on the ****
bruises wrapped in a tight dress
i’d lie gorgeous in a casket
and finally rest.
Jul 17, 2023
Jul 17, 2023 at 6:06 PM UTC
all i think about is him
the way he looks into my eyes
sees my pain and passions
he, who is directive
but softens his eyes looking into my soul
despite never having held something so delicate, so fragile,
he isn’t afraid of holding me tight
he sits with me as i cry
and tells me i’m beautiful.
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 2:58 PM UTC
am i enough now?
am i pretty enough?
am i cuter?
drop-dead gorgeous?
did i change enough?
am i to your liking?
enough to erase those words,
to rewind time?
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make everything better
make me feel again
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 2:52 PM UTC
i see the way she looks at me
i wish i knew before
the praise was too sweet,
too humble.
the guilt was decadent
and so she tattled.
to brag, to show,
to relate;
to wear my skin.
she crawled under us,
wrapped around you,
and you followed,
craving venom.
it stings: the bite, the envy,
and the way you looked at her.
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 7:23 AM UTC
i thought you could never break my heart
but with your head in the sky
and my heart in hand
you lost your way
you lost my hand
and again,
the tears pour.
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 7:22 AM UTC
i’m unable to unpack
the damage those words did to me
at an age
where i was so vulnerable,
so open, so naïve.
i still cry,
i still cut,
i still look at myself in the mirror
and tear my skin off
i still torture myself to their photos.
a printed copy of her face glued to my mirror.
and my heart burns every time she appears on my feed.
i disagree with what you said.
through shameless stares on the street, praise, and adoration.
my confidence grew
where i can finally love myself
and admire me
more than you could that time.
but i think about her every day
the way i lied on your balcony
and cried
the way i chopped my hair
did my nails
and changed my face
all because of one text
“she’s cute, but not like her”
Jul 16, 2023
Jul 16, 2023 at 7:20 AM UTC
i’m no less of a ***** than she is,
except she gets paid.
i settle for male validation,
filling the void our father left
one way or another.
Jul 6, 2023
Jul 6, 2023 at 1:34 AM UTC
once again i’ve been betrayed.
i’ve gotten used to quickly give away
but when it’s her, it hurts.
we are opposites, i thought.
but looked, i saw a mirror.
we are so alike.
down to the black MK bag, though mine classier.
i try to think i’m superior; more refined
then how come she gets what i want?
she invited me to a party,
dress code was black & gold.
i looked down at my black bag, i can wear that at the party.
but the details are silver.
then, i looked at hers:
gold.
that is the difference between us,
i give away and act as the better person.
but she comes out on top.
i wear silver but she wears gold.
Jul 6, 2023
Jul 6, 2023 at 1:32 AM UTC