Sometimes the emotions just flow and how I feel becomes a river.
That river tumbles and splashes along and meets the ocean head on.
It becomes a tsunami that cashes over everything.
Then when it's over, I'm left standing in the destruction wondering how I got there.
When all I did was allow myself to feel.
Sometimes I'm wrong even when I do what's asked of me.
Maybe because it's not done the way they want?
Sometimes expectations taint what is given.
Sometimes when someone tells you how they feel, they want you to hear them not fix them.
And sometimes being there for someone means doing nothing more than listening and understanding.
Sometimes we feel as if we aren't doing enough when we're actually doing exactly what's needed of us.
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 5:15 AM UTC
People love in one of two ways.
They either love selfishly -
Where they love the parts of you that are easy to love, the light.
They use their love like a weapon to try and force you to change, to conform, to fit in the box that they deem appropriate.
Or... They love unconditionally -
Where they love all of you including the parts of you that are hard to love, the dark.
Their love is given freely even when it isn't returned and never do they ask you to conform.
They allow you to be free, to be you.
The second, sadly, is a dying concept. People have forgotten that we all have pasts, all hold darkness.
That darkness, those burdens are what mold us and create the foundation of who we are and will become.
It is a rare person who can see another, with their darkness behind them, spread out like majestic wings and accept and embrace all of who they are.
For years I have allowed myself to be molded, forced and made to fit into boxes too small to hold me for fear of loosing those I loved.
It is only now, recently, that I have learned that my wings, my strength and my foundation are always the things that others wish to change about me.
No more.
No more will I allow my greatest strengths to be deemed unworthy by those who are afraid to love unconditionally.
No longer will I allow those who love selfishly to dictate what parts of me are lovable.
I have always loved with all of me, accepted all of others (even the parts that hurt me) because I thought that by doing so, it would be returned.
I will continue to love in this way, whole heartedly and unconditionally.
I will just no longer stay when I am pressured to conform to another's standard of acceptable.
I have learned to walk away from those I love so I may be true to myself. One day, maybe I will find another who has learned to love and accept all that someone has to offer.
If that day comes, I'll be ready to receive what I have always given and grant another what they have always craved.
Untill then, I'll love truly for all of those who cannot, in hopes that they will see what it means to love unconditionally...
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 5:14 AM UTC
Today I gave of myself so you could be okay.
I gave you the one thing that has made me worse and broken me more.
I hold no resentment, hurt or anger for this.
I will always give so you may be happy even if it destroys me.
The thing I need to be okay, to recharge and to find my strength isn't something that you are capable or willing to give.
I understand this.
I understand holding onto your last reserves so you can survive.
Today I gave you mine.
I have used the last of my strength to give you what you need because your happiness means more to me than my own.
But now I'm sitting here,
Trying my hardest to find and pick up the pieces of my shattered self,
So I can put it back together.
I can't though.
I can't find them because I don't have the strength or the tools that I need.
I am terrified,
Because for the first time in my life,
I don't know how to fix me...
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 5:09 AM UTC
I can hear the rain as it patters and pours,
To my battered soul it sings and calls.
With the promise to wash away,
To cleanse in the hope of a new day.
I hear the wind and it howles and roars,
To my demons it shouts and lures.
With the temptation to allow them out to play,
To give them the freedom they so crave.
I see the lightning as it flashes and crashes,
To the furthest reaches my broke pieces it scatters.
With but hints of bright beacons,
Quick flashes to find them.
My world is not the same as the one that you live in,
I think at this point, that's a given.
For I am a creature not born but made,
To stay in this world, its the price that I paid.
But there is a vail between my world and yours,
A shroud of darkness that I don't push away.
After what I've lived,
It has the right to stay.
My darkness has taught me so many precious things,
Far more than the light or joy that sings.
Your world is light with mottled shadows few and far between.
My world is dark with pinpoints of light that glitter and gleam.
Your darkness you avoid while I live in mine.
It's why I can truly appreciate the light when it shines.
I never take a single glimpse for granted,
Because it's more than what I had when I first started.
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 5:04 AM UTC
The world rejects the darkness I hold.
Always I am told it's wrong.
I'm told to hide it, get rid of it.
Don't let it fester,
Destroy it to be better.
My darkness is only labeled so because of the world.
It's just another part of who I am to me.
What if the world is wrong about what's okay for me to be?
Should I hate half of me because they said to?
Well, skrew that!
The side of me they hate, I love.
Where they say it's a flaw,
I say its my fight.
That darkness that they so despise is why I'm still alive.
It's made me strong, been my comfort and taught me what I'm worth.
The dark is my friend, it's held me through my tears and coached me through my fears.
For my darkness isn't something for you to rid me of.
It's my home,
My kingdom,
Where the weak go to die;
And so they fear it.
Dec 6, 2024
Dec 6, 2024 at 4:59 AM UTC
If you say "I'm falling in love", people assume two things:
One, that it's romantic love.
Two, that it's new, tentative, small.
I have been falling in love every day for the past 11 years.
It started when the stick turned blue,
The two lines,
The plus sign in the window of a little plastic test.
I fell in love more with every flutter,
Every kick,
Every morning of being sick.
I fell in love more with each contraction,
Again with every suture used to close me up.
I fell in love with every spit up,
Every sleepless night,
Every laugh
And every scream.
I am still falling in love.
I fall in love every day all over again.
I fall in love every time I hear them say mom,
Every time I look at them.
I fall in love every time they learn something new
Or whine about what I've asked them to do.
Everyday I am falling in love with who they are
And who they're growing into.
No one can fall in love the way a mothers do.
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 5:23 PM UTC
He uses songs and lyrics others have written to voice how he feels;
to make it real.
I write my own in verse and poem, lyrics and rhymes.
They aren't always pretty and rarely shine;
but they are mine.
I thought that I was fine, that I was alright.
After all, I've been here before.
Been there,
Done that,
Got the t-shirt,
So I should be okay, right?
Anger, grief, shame and fear are never that easy though;
I should have known...
Yet what happened isn't what's on repeat in my mind.
No, what's on a loop inside my brain is a name;
Always the same.
A name that carries with it so much joy, pain and peace.
I know...
I know that if I talked to him that I would stop reeling.
Yet I can't.
Can't call or message, besides, what would I say?
"I'm sorry, I'm broken again?"
Maybe I would tell him the truth, the whole horrid truth about that day;
I know he'd agree to listen and keep the fear and pain at bay,
that was his way.
I know.
I know that he would make it easier despite not being his burden to bare.
I can't call or message the dead,
So I guess I'll just keep repeating his name inside my head.
Repeat it until I'm no longer broken,
Or until I join the life that was stolen - Dead.
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 5:10 PM UTC
Do you even know it hurt?
Or how it broke my heart?
That I gave you my everything while you pushed us apart?
That for a month I said my thank you's
And with distain you did it once.
Like you couldn't stomach showing gratitude to the one you supposedly loved.
Do you even know it stung?
Or how it ripped at my spirit?
That you said you wanted my story yet at the end of it it grimaced?
With your face turned away in disgust
For cards delt different from your own;
Disgust born from intolerance of anything not 'status quo'.
Do you even know it hurt?
Or how it shredded my soul?
To know that you didn't love ME only the woman your mind could hold?
The woman who stood before you didn't match the picture in your head.
So you let disappointment and then disinterest guide you,
Until that's all I felt in the end.
So, did you know it hurt me?
Or how you made me feel unworthy?
Were you so caught up in you,
That I was someone you looked right though?
I suppose now it doesn't matter because I am a galaxy away.
Floating in the light of stars that I myself have made.
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 4:55 PM UTC
Girl
Daughter
Sister
Cousin
Have you noticed how from the moment we are born we are given names.
Descriptions that bare the weight of expectations placed onto tiny shoulders that cannot yet hold up the weight of the body they have?
As we grow those name, those descriptions they grow in number and become heavier too.
Girl
Daughter
Sister
Cousin
Woman
Friend
Partner
Wife
Mother
Caregiver
Provider
Placed upon our shoulders is the weight of every person we care about.
We, as females, are charged with caring for them all.
This is what the world expects from us.
Perfection is what we try to force from ourselves on behalf of everyone else.
Often we loose ourselves in the fray,
always expected to make it work,
sort it out,
fix it,
listen,
empathize,
understand
and so much more.
Yet for all of this, when we have little left to give;
when the weight becomes to much and our hardened shells crack,
letting out a little of what we ourselves feel, we are told we're
over emotional,
dramatic,
To just calm down,
it's not such a huge deal.
Except that it is...
While we are everything for everyone, more often than not we are alone in our burdens.
So while we give others what they need to be okay;
we do not get the same in return.
See, being a good woman is the
thankless job
that society has given us...
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 4:32 PM UTC
I used to be the girl who wrote to the one she loved.
Painstakingly worded letters overflowing with my love.
Letters handed off in perfectly folded hearts,
By hands soaked in tender care to hands that dripped with hurt.
I used to be that girl,
That girl that is no more.
No more because of letters gathering dust in the bottom of someone's draw.
Letters that were thrown away
And letters never read.
Due to people who've shown me time and time again,
How little my love has meant.
Now I keep it all inside,
Planted in the soil of my soul.
Waiting for the one who will water it
And allow my letters of love
To grow.
Dec 5, 2024
Dec 5, 2024 at 4:16 PM UTC