I don't want to go to sleep
for I am afraid that you will be there
You will be right beside me
and everything will be like it was
That isn't even the nightmare
No the nightmare begins when I open my eyes
You are no longer there
and that is when the true pain begins
I can't go back to sleep
so Night again becomes the Enemy
My old familiar Friend
The late night sounds and music
that fills my room is starting to feel like home
Who needs sleep anyway?
Oct 23, 2015
Oct 23, 2015 at 3:17 AM UTC
You came over last night
Put your arm around me like you used to
I wanted to cuddle in
I wanted to pretend that we were us again
But then starts that deep nagging feeling knowing this is a mistake
You shouldn’t hold me
I shouldn’t cuddle
We aren’t us anymore
We will never be there again
And my heart cannot continue to take this push and pull
I want you so badly sometimes that I don’t know why I chose to walk away but I know it was for the best
Just need to be reminded as to why..
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 5:16 PM UTC
I think I understand now why I keep my room so messy
When I declutter the physical, I have to acknowledge all of the emotional
the idea of not feeling good enough, responsible enough, bold enough
As long as there is **** everywhere, I don't have to focus on the unseen and the stuff no one is able to see
The constant depression
The having to convince myself I am okay. The self-doubt I feel about maybe not being able to afford to live my dreams and to have the lifestyle that I so desperately want to have.
I know that none of this is real and it is all my perception so I clean out the trash, do the laundry and put the physical together so that I can truly begin to handle, no surviving NO thriving in the emotional aspects of my Life.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 8:15 PM UTC
You think I am okay
You think I am handling everything so well.. almost heartlessly
Do you know that I cry everyday?
That I have cried everyday for the past six months
That is
26 weeks
183 days
4,380 hours
262, 801 minutes
Six months of waking up and no knowing if I am okay, if I will survive
Six months of coping, dealing, drugging, ******** and leaving. Six months of brokenness. Six months of hollow.
So when you look at me or get drunk and say those words, I wish I could scream in your face.. 26 weeks of tear stained mascara running moments all so we could stay friends.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 8:10 PM UTC
Sometimes I feel like a *****
like my number should be on a bathroom stall
"For a temporary good time call.."
and there would be my number big and bold for the world to see.
That must be where they find it or where I find them because they are all so ******
What am I doing wrong? Is it me? Is this truly the way that I see myself? No hello beautiful or I want to see you
No, just a 20 minute ***** without even a how are you?
It is funny because now that you don't have any time for me and I know I can't be with him all I want to do is call him and ask if we can have a "Sleepover" and I know he knows what that entails
really no point in staying the night, just turn off the lights
I take off my clothes, we **** no cuddling or true connection just physical and leaving. You'll *** into the ****** use the restroom, wash your hands, then lay down and pass out and I will be left crying and wondering why I am not good enough to take to dinner, meet your friends really do ANYTHING but be in this bedroom.
But I will slip on my clothes, hold my head high and walk out your front door.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 8:03 PM UTC
Can you ask someone questions of an untold future? How can you ask me so emotionally? Is a future with me the logical thing to do for you.
What about passion? Will we have this? Friendship? Love? FREEDOM? Respect? Will these be included? Is that on your list too?
I need someone I know will be there through thick and thin. Someone who wants a lover as well as my best friend. Love respect freedom and support should be number one. If not I don't think the two of us will last.
Can you give this to me? Can you actually promise me a future? How do I answer? What do I say?
Someone would say that they thought they would always wait for this day.. Not so sure about me as I stare at you blankly.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 11:44 AM UTC
If I told you every time I thought about you would you think I was weird? Would you think it was strange?
I don't know what it is about you that makes me go insane but I think about you constantly spinning me around smiling gazing all while the rest of the world isn't invited into our secret conversations.
I could Love you. I could get used to this but you are a fleeing moment that will soon be a memory.
Feb 12, 2015
Feb 12, 2015 at 2:37 AM UTC
You know why I drink this beer?
I drink this beer to drive away my tears
I drink this beer because you could no longer stand to be here.
I drink this beer to all of our wonderful memories.
I drink this beer to all the **** you have put me through.
I drink this beer because it was bought by some random dude I am now wishing were you.
I drink this beer because it is my old familiar friend brought here by the end
Of all that was me and you. I drink this beer because my darling we are through.
I drink this beer to get drunk hoping it will numb the pain I feel inside. I drink this beer because honestly I would rather die
than sleep one more restless night because frankly I am too weak to fight.
I drink this beer because drunkiness cures sobriety and that seems to be the way to get you from inside me.
Sobriety ******* ***** I drink this beer finally because I know now that there really is no longer an "us".
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 10:09 PM UTC
He is Capricorn
I am Aquarius
He is Mars
I am Venus
He is analytical and practical
I am intuitive whimsy emotional
He is structure and rules
I am freedom and going with the flow
He is kids house ring white picket fences
I am spur of the moment camp outs and never settling
He wants to be on a white horse
I climbed down from that tower a long time ago
Or so I thought...
Because when his hand brushes mine, a chance meeting, all that I thought I knew melted for a second and I could see a Life doing it the Capricorn way
He is Capricorn
I am Aquarius
One chance meeting made me aware we could be something serious
What will happen to our two zodiac signs?
One chance meeting
I leave it all behind
Feb 11, 2015
Feb 11, 2015 at 3:14 PM UTC