I remember nothing of my childhood.
I just remember red. I
remember mum crying in my arms when i was 8.
I remember you- not a lot.
I only remember those last moments.
The ***** running down your legs. I remember the knot on the bed but not your face.
I remember becoming the family therapist after that. I remember all the times I had to grow up before I was 10.
I remember what was suppose to be my childhood.
But I never got to have one.
Once our sister was old enough to remember I wanted to save her but now when i look at her and what she does I'm sure I failed her too. But someone who is 10 should not be raising her sister.
She grew up never knowing you.
I grew up even faster after losing you.
It's selfish i know to want you here to take some of the responsibility away from me. So that I don't have to deal with mums stress seizures alone. Or raising our sister. Because if you were here we would have a childhood.
And i could lean on you, just like you could have always leaned on me. I wish you were still alive.
you are the only other person has has gone through loosing her too. But you instead saw what she did as a lesson to learn not something to avoid, I hate you for killing yourself when I needed you the most. I hate you for not ******* talking to me and leaning on me. but we were kids. you never got to grow up. So I did it for both of us and started early.
I can't really remember my childhood.
And could really use the memory of ours right about now.
Even if it never happened.
Dec 22, 2021
Dec 22, 2021 at 3:46 PM UTC
I am the mentally ill daughter of a mentally ill daughter.
This is my birth right.
Along with skin that begs to be picked, bags that drag, and attitude given the name
problem.
Gifted eyes that stay red even after it's been hours.
We have been doomed from the start.
I think we've known this from the start.
Maybe thats why we are so angry.
Dec 22, 2021
Dec 22, 2021 at 3:30 PM UTC
Let me tell you a bedtime story. It goes
Once upon a time there was a girl born for void filling purposes, She cried till they told her to stop and she never cried again.
She learned everything perfectly and extremely well.
Then her best friend died.
Then her brother killed himself.
She decided to get high. and lost her drive but she didn't care and said all the swears. She ***** and lies but she always listened and never cried.
Her womanly emotions would not get the best of her. Instead she stuffed them into a shoe box that she hid behind all the skeletons and needles she keeps in the closets.
The Girl was born to fill a void.
Used as a vault for all the faults of those around her.
She was meant to fill a void.
But then
her best friend shot herself in the head while she watched.
then she found her brother dead.
And she lost her drive.
The girl is older now.
She still has no drive, but she has this void that needs to be filled. and tears in her eyes.
Dec 22, 2021
Dec 22, 2021 at 3:25 PM UTC
Thank you for calling me beautiful even when I know I look like a mess
Thank you for dealing with my mood swings
Thank you for listening when I tell you my gossip
Thank you for holding me so tightly
For not letting me slip away
Thank you for being there even when you don’t want to be
Thank you
Just for being you
May 25, 2020
May 25, 2020 at 2:26 AM UTC
Sometimes I worry about the things
That are out of my control
But I most worry about the thing that are and I choose not to
I always make stupid decisions
And I’m not stupid so I don’t know why I do it
Sometimes I feel like I’m such an idiot
But I never try to change
I feel like I can’t try, like the idea
to try, to do, to not **** it all up,
Doing okay is in my control
But I decided to worry about things that aren’t in my control
Instead of doing okay
Jul 20, 2019
Jul 20, 2019 at 3:15 AM UTC
I wanna be kissed in the rain
And wear a wedding ring
I wanna love you
Just cause
It’s you
May 9, 2019
May 9, 2019 at 11:52 PM UTC
It’s three am and I’m currently debating talking to ghosts about my problems
Because I stayed up till three am thinking about said problems without actually trying to **** myself, I’ll give myself a pat on the back make myself a tea in the mug you left at my place and call it self care,
I talk to the ghosts about my problems and they don’t answer back,
The same way you won’t answer my calls
The same way I know you won’t answer my calls because like the ghosts you are dead.
Because you decided to **** yourself.
And I hate you for it
I hate you because I know you stayed up till three am thinking about your problems
I hate you because sometimes I wish you talked to ghosts about your problems
Talked to me
I hate that I didn’t notice
I hate myself for hating you at first
I still use your stupid mug
It’s just like every other ******* mug
Just drank by a ghost
Dec 27, 2018
Dec 27, 2018 at 5:12 AM UTC
I'm scared because of how much I want things.
I want to be selfish.
I want to be loved and love
I want to care for and be cared for,
I want people to look at me and just know that something is off.
and I'm scared because of how much
I want you.
Nov 25, 2018
Nov 25, 2018 at 3:07 PM UTC
I was born on January tenth 2002. That makes my Chinese zodiac horse.
I don’t really know what that means but I don’t really know what a lot of things mean. Like why people believe in love at first sight.
Like why my dad is an emotionless ******* but I love him forever.
Like Why i still wanna **** myself even though I know it won’t solve anything.
I don’t know a lot. But I do this.
I know that yellow candy is always the best.
I know that writing a poem isn’t easy.
That my grandma hums to herself everyday when doing the dishes cause she can’t always sing.
That my shadow follows me everywhere but only when something bright is ahead of me
Because I’m always alone in the dark.
But never alone in my head
I know that somewhere somehow love is waiting for me to find it.
And I know that somehow.
I will.
Nov 15, 2018
Nov 15, 2018 at 8:55 AM UTC
I’ve always been scared of thunderstorms
It might be the sound or the flashing lights of lighting that make my soul wanna leap out my throat —
But you love them,
So I wanted to see a thunderstorm through your eyes, I wanted to see what you loved,
So I opened my curtains and stopped blasting my headphones and I watched and listened —
The first time lighting stuck,
I slam my eyes closed
The first thunder,
My heartbeat almost drowns it out my thoughts
But I remembered you and kept going
I sat though a storm for you
And I almost didn’t hate it
Nov 15, 2018
Nov 15, 2018 at 8:52 AM UTC