The most beautiful night.
Quiet
Peaceful
No noise
No sound
Just the sound of the stars and the children in their beds
The magic that is born from being an adolescent
The hope
The whimisicality
It is all so gorgeous
Our savior came this night
He is perfect
Pure
Lovely
Marvelous
Bright
Luminescent
Forgiving
Kind
So so beautiful
I am thankful
I try to be thankful
I find this hard at times
I adore this evening though
It is the feeling I reach for every day to keep alive in this childlike heart of mine.
This is the most peaceful night of the year.
Not because of santa or presents
It is the magic that the air holds and miracle that was born into the world on this night.
I love it
I crave it
I need it
This sweet empty night sky that is unvacated by the stars and the moon.
The noise that ceases to exist allowing our minds to dream so seamlessly.
Dec 24, 2017
Dec 24, 2017 at 11:11 PM UTC
Remember how I said there were dreamer people and the idealists?
We're the dreamer people darling.
Growing up is stupid, preposterous.
What's even the point?
To go to school for the first 22 years of your life and do nothing but work for a "nice" paycheck that will never satisfy your wants.
Maybe needs.
I look around at the things I see and they're so **** beautiful.
No wonder adults are always so tired.
Were all burnt out from the last 20 or 30 years of a youth.
The most common misunderstanding is that we actually have a youth.
Youth is fun, youth is doing anything you wish whenever you wish.
Instead were thrown into a society where everything has order, everything has a plan.
The only thing they can't control are the dreams my intellect holds.
My bones ache for the great beyond.
I want to see God.
I want to listen to God whisper to me in the winds.
I want no means of communication or outside people.
I would be honored to meet the beautiful people of this world on my endeavors but not the cookie cutter bunch I found myself constantly surrounded by.
I need new.
I need now.
I need to get out of here.
For a very long time with him.
I want no plans.
Only the ones for the day I imagine with him.
I want to marry him tomorrow and begin to lives.
Be spontaneous because there isn't enough of it in my life.
Marry him and tell the whole world.
Be madly in love and do nothing but what makes us happy.
Mar 20, 2017
Mar 20, 2017 at 5:47 PM UTC
What is my place in this life currently.
What am I supposed to be doing.
I feel so strongly that this is a time where I'm supposed to find things, search for things, see new things, be something new.
Things are slowly slipping away to make this possible.
I have such a craving to focus on God, him, and these soulful experiences awaiting me.
Looking at me like a rabbit with a stopwatch begging me to follow them to Wonderland.
I am so suddenly willing to follow.
Willing to drop it all and see everything that has been missing down the hole.
I have passions and commodities of thing I love, yes, but that does not feel like right now.
Right now feels like camping on the beach, driving five hours to see the love of my life, sleeping in the car on a mountain with him by my side, eating those delicious pastries and drinking the most bitter of coffee; so unlike the spark I see in him.
I'm so inevitably, undeniably, irrevocably in love with the most old, gorgeous, kind soul I have ever encountered.
The taste of coffee, something I have known as a friend for so long, has come to remind me of the taste of him on my lips, the smoke dancing around his breath.
Curiously my mind always wanders to his old soul, the one that loves Billy Joel, the voice we listened to on that music box the time he crowned my finger in a wooden promise.
He is as handsome as the sun when it sets and as sweet as the syrup you taste in the morning.
Nothing is more enticing and satisfying than waking up to the natural scent of his sweet demeanor and kissing that ever so charming smile every single chance I can grasp.
My heart is compelled to explode as it cannot understand that this person has finally found their way to me, as if I dreamt up this soul and he came to me in the last membrance of the nights previous endeavor.
When I think of the future, I see only him, being my partner in crime.
Being there with me, holding my hand as we both accomplish our so closely reachable dreams.
I see myself having the honor of marrying my prince in the most whimsical, fairytale, forest you've ever laid your eyes upon.
I see those pink, fluffy flowers, I see that crown of peonies laying atop her head, his face looking at her as if he's seen angel and cannot stand the beauty she has longed to give to him for so long.
The face of a man so in love with his princess and so happy that they finally get to be forever wed in the way that most pleases God.
These two will have the most refreshing and kind love story anyone has ever seen.
One so full of kindness, love, bravery, honor, strength, honest, patience, and passion.
They will be so happy with all that they will be blessed with and be the happiest little fairy family that ever lived within the bungalow they made a home together in.
They will laugh and play and smile and cry together.
They will be so full of love for each other that people could tell noticing only an insignificant exchange between their eyes.
They will fight yes, but only with their hearts flooded with the love they feel for each other and will inevitably end in the most passionate of encounters.
They are the story that has yet to be told in this era.
Mar 7, 2017
Mar 7, 2017 at 8:11 PM UTC
Sometimes it helps just to know that life is bigger than your own head.
That the jail cell you've locked yourself in isn't going to be forever.
Theres something bigger than the hold on your life.
I feel so trapped in this mental prison.
Ive never longed for an escape to something bigger than this tight suffocating space that I've locked myself in.
Oh how to be free when you have such a hold on yourself, how do I get out of this place when Im the one doing it to myself.
How do I escape the labyrinth of anxiety and fear that I have shoved myself into.
I long to see the bigger things I know are out there.
The ones that are bigger than me.
I know this is what I need because as soon as I step outside and see all the trees and all the sky and feel a breath seeping into my tired mind.
Get out of my head you.
Me.
They say all the best people are mad, bonkers, off their rocker, and yes they're the most creative and talented, but my God they're also in the most pain.
They need an escape and their creativity is their attempt at breaking out.
Dec 26, 2016
Dec 26, 2016 at 12:25 PM UTC
Its Christmas day today.
I feel so thankful and happy that today was the day my savior came into the world.
He is the only thing that I need and tends to keep me sane.
I also hate this time of year though.
When it becomes so painfully obvious just how alone you actually are and that you are no where closer to having a family of your own.
He's leaving and going into the navy.
My love.
The one who I thought would never leave me, inevitably is just like all the others.
They all leave, but maybe they aren't leaving maybe someone is taking them away to make room for my actual destiny.
I struggle so much to even want that real love in the end.
Nothing is forever, so why subject myself to that kind of possible future misery.
My parents barely make it and all they've done is make it a mission to see who can hurt the other more until they actually fall in love again.
I want real, honest, true, gracious, patient, passionate, silly, childish, love. The love that will last forever, the love that only God can bring or make possible.
He must love God more than he could ever love me, because then he will filter Gods love into me.
He will be there whenever I need him, just a phone call away and at my side as a real partner.
We will have the love of a new generation, where it is real, so true, and so pleasing to God and the both of us.
I long for that day and I am willing to wait as long as possible for that dream.
The dream of being with someone worthy of my love, affection, honesty, mind, body, and soul.
It is times like these when I know the only way this can happen is if I get myself in check.
If I take the time to better myself and become the person I need to be.
Travel a lot, smile a lot laugh a lot, cry a lot, create a lot, befriend a lot, and never stop driving.
Never ever stop driving what carries me so far to the destination I will reach in the end.
The drive that makes me feel so passionate about what I do.
About my art and my creations.
I believe that God will give me a brilliant idea one day.
He will fill my mind with his purpose of for my life.
I am so excited to see what is about to happen as I document it here.
I can always feel when God is about to do big things in me and my life.
Things get quiet, they get difficult, they get serious, and most of all they get hopeful.
Dec 25, 2016
Dec 25, 2016 at 10:02 AM UTC
Get ready for me again friend,
I feel myself falling again.
Not in the way people fall in love,
in the way they slip away from themselves into the labyrinth.
Its such a scary feeling to feel yourself going away, you so desperately want to stay calm but its so easy to panic as you get closer to the feeling of loneliness.
Dear God keep me above the waters please.
Protect my heart.
Above all else give me peace and keep me calm and sound like the night sky feels.
Nov 19, 2016
Nov 19, 2016 at 11:06 PM UTC
In spring of youth it was my lot
To haunt of the wide world a spot
The which I could not love the less----
So lovely was the loneliness
Of a wild lake, with black rock bound,
And the tall pines that towered around.
But when the Night has thrown her pall
Upon that spot, as upon all,
And the mystic wind went by
Murmuring in melody---
Then---ah then I would awake
To the terror of the lone lake.
Yet that terror was not fright,
But a tremendous delight---
A feeling not jeweled but mine
Could teach or bribe me to define---
Nor love--- although the love were thine.
Death was in that poisonous wave,
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his lone imagining----
Whose solitary soul could make
An Eden of that dim lake.
Nov 10, 2016
Nov 10, 2016 at 7:06 PM UTC
It was a neutral, fair weathered, mid October Friday night in downtown Raleigh, the sky painted with stars, but barely visible as lights are strewn out everywhere, glittering as they are draped across buildings to create a corner hidden from the rest of the world. There are also lights from the many expensive cars lining the already tight streets; Chrysler, Infinity, Volvo, BMW, but also there’s an array of Hondas and the Chevy I am currently riding in to get there myself. The lights continue to follow my evening as the holidays are approaching, accompanied by Christmas lights hanging from local breweries. The skyline is made up of buildings mimicking an array of Christmas trees on a Christmas tree farm in December; one my favorite times of year.
The spirit of the air is carefree as people gather to unwind from the week before and have a good time with whomever they are with or alone. The variety of people is similar to that of Candy in a candy store; all there for the same purpose, but different in minor ways. Groups of friends occupying the sidewalks outside of restaurants, breweries, dessert bars, coffee bars, boutiques, and galleries. Hipsters walking proudly and dancing in the streets owning who they are in their hometown or possibly visiting to experience the uniqueness the beautiful city has to offer. Most people dressed their best to welcome the night before them and enjoy the company of their friends, walking around to whatever comes their way.
The atmosphere is quiet, peaceful, and chill but the night is nothing short of alive just like the people I experience. Young couples and individuals line the streets exuberating their young lively spirits into the air as they exhale smoke from their cigarettes. The streets are also lined with a couple individuals that seem a little sketchy, but that’s just because they keep to themselves and walk alone, not effecting the safe atmosphere Raleigh exuberates. Everyone seems to be focused on only who they came with, concentrating on what they will do that evening. My plans included dinner at The Pit, one of the greatest BBQ places I have ever been in my life.
The first place I went to this evening was a Chocolate Shop called Videri Chocolate Factory with the most intriguing vibe I have possibly received upon coming into a store. There are lights strung from the ceiling and a glass case containing expensive, gourmet chocolates made in house. As I continue to walk around the store there is a whimsical feeling I get when I notice the coffee bar and more Christmas lights hanging around and intricate glass cups behind the counter. Continuing down the corridor there is a large glass window displaying where the chocolate is made, making the experience even more real. As I continue to look around the store I notice most of the people are middle aged to older; the people with money. The chocolate in the store is not cheap, but I think most of the people who come to downtown Raleigh are also paying for the experience.
Upon leaving the shop I notice the outside of the store and this is one prime example I think of when I think that people physically impact the place in which they live. The picture shown above of the chocolate shop mimics so much of the personality of Raleigh that I have noticed. The store is made of bricks on the outside that you can tell have been there for a really long time, but displays a modern, exciting font and the final touch of bright white lights adds a perfect finish to the display of the store. The people of Raleigh (or the ones I have noticed the three years out of living here myself) tend to migrate towards vintage, old things and appreciate the beauty of unique sights that make you feel special and unique yourself upon going there.
Another key factor in the imagery of this shop that reminds me of the people of Raleigh is the artsy aesthetic that the door holds with the lights. There are so many art students who consistently go to downtown Raleigh and they are a part of what makes the atmosphere so bright and exciting. While the people who visit downtown Raleigh are looking for those vintage vibes and artsy aesthetics they are also incredibly modern much like the font the door holds. They are caught up on what is currently in style and trend setters themselves, but interpret it in a way that fits them personally. This to me is the only thing that people of downtown Raleigh have in common; they are old fashioned, vintage, modern, and unique all at the same time, perfectly mirroring the city in which they live.
Nov 7, 2016
Nov 7, 2016 at 12:04 AM UTC
I wonder what guys would do if we acted the way they did half the time.
Had pictures of naked men on our phones.
Watched **** a couple times a week and they never even suspect it.
Disrespect them behind their backs by saying things about other men.
Basically cheated on them in every way possible that doesn't involve touching another woman.
I wonder what they would do.
I wonder if they would handle it better than us.
Or I wonder if they would finally get just disgusting they all are.
Nov 2, 2016
Nov 2, 2016 at 10:00 PM UTC
What does it mean when you're surrounded by the people who supposedly love you the most but you still aren't happy.
When they're are so many things happening amongst you, but still you're mind wanders to him for some unknown reason.
When you can sense that you need to talk to them and they need you because something tragic has happened.
What is that moment?
Where you can feel their pain from afar without even knowing anything for sure.
It's a feeling.
It's a connection that still feels so true and right that you cannot let their beautiful soul go.
That moment where you hurt for someone, feeling their own pain.
What is that?
You're not together but you still love, you still ache for them.
That has to be love or maybe it's just a gift that we were given to love the people around us to it's infinite.
Nov 1, 2016
Nov 1, 2016 at 12:40 PM UTC