As someone who values words and expression above all else,
The most horrifying and harmful thing I can experience is my loved one’s silence.
Silence was a weapon growing up.
Evenings were spent walking through mine fields of suspicious glances and accusatory assumptions.
The silent treatment the only way my parents could stand each other for years before they finally raised the white flag.
I knew that there were violent wars raging behind closed mouths.
I knew expressing my emotions was not allowed because they could not handle what resided within me.
I learned to avoid the fight.
As I grew I realized how little I expressed love to my partners.
How little I was able to ask for what I needed.
How little I could share without fear of the silence.
You see, silence and rejection are one and the same to me.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and write all the deep things so that maybe even when my tongue wont participate I can still express what needs released.
So many times even my written words have been met with silence.
Every time it happens I can feel part of my heart scream and fall into it’s own silence.
I’ll get my voice back, though it hurts differently each time.
By now my heart may look like some frankenstein patchwork.
Needled together by sheer stubbornness and the love of a handful of equally traumatized people.
So please, even if you dont like what I have to say, dont remain silent.
Your voice needs an outlet too.
Say what you mean and mean what you say is a skill to develop.
It is worth it.
It takes time and bravery. And trusting the right people.
Or releasing the wrong people from your expectations.
Oct 9, 2024
Oct 9, 2024 at 7:04 PM UTC
Once again, I return to my first love,
Falling back into the arms of words and expression.
It infuriates me that it takes major loss to come back to my core.
Instead of praising the joyful times, I end up expressing the pain of loss and tumble back into my own voice as if discovered for the first time all over again.
I know the words will comfort me, caress me, and carry me.
I’ll try to define me for your convenience but I’m sorry I can never speak an absolute truth.
Here, within the lines that make up letters that make up words that make up sentences and paragraphs and entire novels, is where you’ll find me.
Me. Whoever that may be.
I am as much the space between each word and the actual ink.
Selah. Pause and appreciate the silence and reprieve.
When the words begin again you’ll find me complete.
The yin and yang of emptiness and wholeness.
I am the fight in struggle and the calm of peace.
I am the audacity of words and the gentleness of silence.
I am the unbridled joy and the bone deep suffering.
I am so much more than the words can say.
But sometimes I think that if I try hard enough I can get so close to really showing you who I am.
Regardless, here I stand at the beginning of a new chapter.
To hell with the previous ones.
I’ll hop out of this book and begin again.
And again
And again
And again.
Until the cover, the ink, and the very language are unrecognizable to the previous versions of myself that failed to be immortalized in a way that feels aligned.
Until I create a home of my story.
The lost little girl that wrote of longing for death would be so proud to know that this adult me will fill my life with poetry and be happy for the chance to write reality into existence.
Words are power.
Words are channeled intention.
Words are direction and momentum.
Words are community celebration and vulnerable individualization.
I am the ****** last period at the end of a novel
And I am the gold leaf on the special edition prized only by a few romantic hearts.
You dont have to like my voice.
But its all I’ve got and I like to share.
Words bridge the gaps between people and ideas. Or at least try.
I write my heart on my sleeve and pray for someone like me to appreciate the misplaced flourishes and inconsistencies.
My heart is made of so many words that my tongue refuses to taste and release for fear of overload.
All this to say, I’ve gained back a part of me I love; I am the author and the reader, simultaneously.
This time, I intend to keep this core piece of me. I’ll write of beauty and rest.
Of road trips and ***** hiking boots.
I’ll spell out all the good things I’ve taken for granted.
But I’ll honor the selfish younger me who survived. And I’ll honor the older me who will now thrive.
Oct 9, 2024
Oct 9, 2024 at 6:59 PM UTC
A Prayer
Breathe in
Please, God, let this night never end.
Breathe out
I swear I’ll love him forever.
Breathe in
Bargaining is a step in grief processing, right?
Breathe out
His fingers tips are magic wands.
Breathe in
Maybe your freckles are a map.
Breathe out
I want to bite his nose.
Breathe in
No, dont think about tomorrow.
Breathe out
I can taste the tears on my lips.
Breathe in
Can he hear how loud my heart is pounding?
Breathe out
On his back I silently, repeatedly write “I love you.”
Breathe in
Theres too much space between us.
Breathe out
God please, dont let this end.
Breathe in
Is he trying to fall asleep?
Breathe out
I dont want to sleep.
Breathe in
Goosebumps and sweat, contradictions.
Breathe out
Nothing exists outside this bed.
Breathe in
He smells like heaven and cinnamon.
Breathe out
If tonight must end please god dont let me wake.
Breathe in
The panic starts to set in.
Breathe out
I can see his heart beat pulsing on his neck.
Breathe in
His heart is beating as fast as mine.
Breathe out
My hand cups his beautiful face.
Breathe in
Yet I cant look, not yet, he’ll see the fear.
Breathe out
Dont fear.
Breathe in
Be brave.
Breathe out
Matching his urgency in our finger tips.
Breathe in
Finally look into those golden eyes.
Breathe out
Time stops, breath catches, pure bliss is mine for the moment.
Breathe in, breathe out.
May 24, 2024
May 24, 2024 at 12:26 AM UTC
Down my hands fall
Away from your familiar face.
The words couldn’t escape
A last kiss stole away my breath.
Every emotion known to man
Sinking down my core into the grassy floor.
How heavy those emotions must have been
For suddenly I could turn.
Away I strode
Returning to a place that cannot be home.
Down through the window
Into a cold empty bed.
Each heart beat crashed
Reverberating through my head.
A loved one lost
Another on the edge.
It is near impossible to text
When your eyes are swollen and red.
“Pull yourself together,
Two do not need to be dead.”
Down to the floor
An alternative plan instead.
Hidden behind old shoes
A tool neither friend nor foe.
Cold metal kissing my skin
The feeling never as sweet as his.
One last message sent
Finally giving in to what I told her she cant.
My thighs crossed with red droplets
Mimicking the droplets on my cheeks.
Down my legs
I watched the tiny rivers.
Each heart beat pumping
More blood out the seams.
Maybe someday I’d learn what it meant
To bend instead of break.
For now however
I’d enjoy the design of porcelain cracks.
Two mistakes made
In a single night.
Jun 8, 2019
Jun 8, 2019 at 10:08 PM UTC
When you speak I see cascades of life.
Life and light tend to look the same.
Your light is turquoise and the color of jade sitting just beneath the surface of choppy water.
When you speak I feel heat.
You have yet to burn me.
You are the steady warmth of new born embers of a fire yet to blaze.
When you speak I smell salt water.
Even with a sting, you’re the most refreshing thing.
The ocean is not as paradoxical as your passionately calm surface.
When you speak I taste loneliness.
Bitter sweet like underripe tangerines.
I cannot know this beautiful mind of yours without encountering a cold, rusty, metal wall.
When you speak I hear midnight.
You know how to play the silences.
I hold my breath waiting for the next sentence you’re carefully, mysteriously orchestrating.
Whisper or shout; continue to speak to me.
Jun 9, 2018
Jun 9, 2018 at 9:17 PM UTC
Stare out the window.
He gently squeezes my knee.
Just keep staring.
He changes into 3rd gear.
Pretend not to hear him ask if I'm okay.
He squeezes my thigh instead.
Cant pretend now.
His eyes are gentle, searching.
Small smile, shrug.
He leans in for a kiss.
Turn back away.
His hand slowly lifts away.
This is everyday.
He patiently waits for the mood to change.
This is going to be everyday.
He cant see the fresh cuts under denim.
This is his everyday.
He wonders where he went wrong.
This is not his fault.
His love will run out.
So maybe it wont be everyday.
He will get sick of caring for the sick.
Pained effort in reaching out.
His smile is audible.
Lace fingers between his.
One, two, three, his secret signal.
Theres a lump growing.
He is oblivious to the tears.
Turn back to the window.
His lips warm against white knuckles.
Resist the urge to scream.
He cannot hear the restless soul cry.
Find too much interest in trees zooming by.
I think I must sleep alone tonight.
May 18, 2018
May 18, 2018 at 6:54 PM UTC
Scream o my soul
Howl at the atrocities
Pound your fists on the walls of inner prisons
Hack away the chains that bind the wounded
Scream o my soul
Awaken from slumber
Make hell quiver with fear at the coming storm
Burst fourth with Christ's light burning bright
Scream o my soul
Feel the depths of sorrow
Free the ****** with your passion and love
Scream o my soul
Arm yourself with truth
Sing praise in the darkest of nights
Scream o my soul, scream loud, scream out
Stop holding your breath lest you suffocate
Scream with all your might
O my soul Blaze with Heavens holy light
O my soul you've been called, summoned, trained, and sent
Scream o my soul, scream your battle cry.
May 17, 2018
May 17, 2018 at 11:42 PM UTC
My body somehow knows
The grief tomorrow holds.
I ache and throb
But I cannot sob;
The urge to cry
Stings my eyes.
My feet drag heavily
In the depths of this valley.
Every year without fail
I remind myself I am too frail.
"You're strong without the numbers,"
Yet I was too weak to pull you from your slumber.
Each March 22nd
Feels just like the 1st end,
When your heart stopped beating
And mine started bleeding.
I'd skip this whole day
But I'd miss the chance to say:
I miss you, lovely little hurricane.
It's all I can do to keep sane.
The smell of mint
Hurts just a hint.
The skinny jeans and hair bows
I could never disown.
I wear your effect
On my forearm *****
The pain of loss is akin
To etching you into my skin.
My hands shake with cold,
Though not as cold as a headstone.
Oh, how my body knows
The grief tomorrow holds.
May 14, 2018
May 14, 2018 at 11:58 PM UTC
The sensation of falling while silently standing alone in a crowd.
Cold icy chill running along my spine, confusing the nerves in my skin.
Hunger gnawing at the fringes of my curiosity, eating away my insides.
Ancient giants pounding their weight against my fragile skull.
A magnifying glass focused in on my minuscule existence, observing.
A vacuum, void, opaque blackness pressing my fibers into dust.
Breathless gasping, desperate pleading on deaf ears again.
Don't turn away.
Don't you dare turn away.
Listen to me scream.
Come back.
Look at me.
See nothing.
May 14, 2018
May 14, 2018 at 11:53 PM UTC